giant evil road cones in New York City

What I am about to show you may scare you.  If you are prone to losing control of your bowels, you should close your browser before you scroll down the page and learn about this horrific mutation of pure incarnate evil that I happened across in New York City on a recent vacation there.

(Don’t say I didn’t warn you…)

giant road cone in New York

This reduced-size picture doesn’t really do it justice.  Click on it for a larger version (if you dare).  Notice the sheer size of this thing!  It’s easily at least 12 feet tall, if not more.  It’s obviously releasing some toxic fumes into the atmosphere, and it’s leaking some dangerous chemicals onto the ground.  Notice the smoke has already started peeling the bark off the tree nearby, starting the tree’s torturous journey to death.  One of the people in the background is starting to cover his face, before he dies.  Note that I blurred out their faces, to protect the stupid.  They should know better than to get that close to such an evil force.  But just trust me that once they realized their folly they had extreme shock and horror on their faces.  Only crime-fighting superheroes with authentic super powers should attempt to get this close to these evil alien invaders, and it’s still recommended that they use a camera with high-powered zoom to take these kind of surveillance photos.  (Don’t even ask me how I acquired this — it’s top secret and stuff.)

Now, some of you might not’ve known that road cones are evil.  That’s understandable, because the mass media has its biases, and they control much of what you see and hear in the world of news.  (And trust me, most of them are not fair and balanced.)  Here at Buffet o’ Blog, we are not afraid of the aliens’ threats, because we are protected by real superheroes, so we’re reporting this breaking story.  These cones are part of a plot by aliens to take over the world.  Sure, they sometimes look innocent, but think about how they are invading cities and blocking escape routes on interstates.   They are showing up all over the place!  Many of you live in cities that are surrounded by these evil cones and you didn’t even realize it.  Well, now you know, but in this case knowing might not be half the battle.  We have to do something.

Think hard on this the next time you see a traffic cone sitting around, seemingly doing nothing, looking abandoned.  What is it really there for?

Bacon Salt

I just heard about a new product called .  You add it to your food to make it taste like bacon.  I glanced at their website, and their motto is : “Everything should taste like bacon.”  Well, that’s an interesting premise.  They’ve also said, “We’ve on a quest to make everything taste like bacon.”  Hmm…  I really like bacon, and there should be more dishes that include bacon, but everything?  That might be a little extreme.

However, there is a catch to this innovative new product.  Check out one of their product descriptions, which at first sounds good, but there’s obviously a flaw in the slaw : “Bacon Salt is a zero calorie, vegetarian, kosher certified seasoning salt that makes everything taste like real bacon.”  How is bacon vegetarian?  And how is it zero calorie?  The concept of bacon taste with zero calories sounds great, no doubt, but this goes against conventional wisdom.  Typically, what makes foods good is that they are unhealthy.  If there are no calories and there is no meat to this product, how is it good?

But I will not pass judgment at this time, for I have not tried this product.  I would like to, though.  I looked for it in the spices section of Walmart the other day, but didn’t find any.  (To the makers of Bacon Salt, if you donate me a package, I’ll gladly write a review of it.)

making mutant animals

What happens when you mix animals with radioactive ooze?  If you’ve done any kind of research on such things like I have*, you will realize this is dangerous.  You tend to end up with mutants.  And these mutants might be evil, difficult to stop, and causing widespread destruction.  Apparently some scientists have not realized this, because there is a nuclear power plant near Miami, Florida, called , which maintains a wildlife preserve around its twin reactors.  And this is not just some casual “I’m saving an acre of the land I’m building on to make us look enviro-friendly” wildlife preserve — no, it’s twenty thousand acres.  They maintain seventeen endangered species (which doesn’t seem to me like the best place to keep them, but what do I know?), but the scary part is that they are particularly interested in breeding crocodiles.  They’ve released over three thousand into the wild so far.  The crocodile is quite a dangerous animal naturally, with its armor and incredible strength, but mixing it with radiation seems like a bad idea.

GoziraHow did the scientists not put this together?  This just goes to show that you need to take a break from studying to watch TV and movies.  If they had kept up with what’s being documented in some of the popular movies of the past few years, they would’ve realized this is a bad idea.  I just hope we can stop this before it’s too late…

* I’ve watched X-Men and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, as well as some B-movies along these lines.

I need a recess at work

These corporate jobs tend to make too many people fat.  Sitting in front of a computer all day doesn’t burn many calories.  These people need more exercise, and I have a plan!  The workday needs to include a recess like in school, where we go play basketball, kickball, volleyball, etc.  We could also fill some old car tires with dirt and roll them around the playground, creating a dust storm.  (Did anyone else ever do that when you were a kid?  It was a good time!)  I think this would boost morale.  Of course, this would be separate from the already existing lunch hour.

Dance Dance RevolutionI realize in some places it gets too hot and humid in the summer to be outside in “business casual” attire, so they should let us wear shorts (at all times), and they should serve us ice cream after recess.  This too would boost morale.  If it’s just crazy-mad hot, or if there’s inclement weather outside, there could be a recreation area set up with video games like , as well as various pinball machines and other classic arcade games.

I’m thinking I should become a corporate exec…  I’ve got all these .  And I realize that happy employees are more productive employees.  Some companies take away benefits and don’t give raises, and my personal research into this strategy has clearly shown that it lowers morale throughout the company.  I would definitely run things differently if I was in charge…