What I am about to show you may scare you. If you are prone to losing control of your bowels, you should close your browser before you scroll down the page and learn about this horrific mutation of pure incarnate evil that I happened across in New York City on a recent vacation there.
(Don’t say I didn’t warn you…)
This reduced-size picture doesn’t really do it justice. Click on it for a larger version (if you dare). Notice the sheer size of this thing! It’s easily at least 12 feet tall, if not more. It’s obviously releasing some toxic fumes into the atmosphere, and it’s leaking some dangerous chemicals onto the ground. Notice the smoke has already started peeling the bark off the tree nearby, starting the tree’s torturous journey to death. One of the people in the background is starting to cover his face, before he dies. Note that I blurred out their faces, to protect the stupid. They should know better than to get that close to such an evil force. But just trust me that once they realized their folly they had extreme shock and horror on their faces. Only crime-fighting superheroes with authentic super powers should attempt to get this close to these evil alien invaders, and it’s still recommended that they use a camera with high-powered zoom to take these kind of surveillance photos. (Don’t even ask me how I acquired this — it’s top secret and stuff.)
Now, some of you might not’ve known that road cones are evil. That’s understandable, because the mass media has its biases, and they control much of what you see and hear in the world of news. (And trust me, most of them are not fair and balanced.) Here at Buffet o’ Blog, we are not afraid of the aliens’ threats, because we are protected by real superheroes, so we’re reporting this breaking story. These cones are part of a plot by aliens to take over the world. Sure, they sometimes look innocent, but think about how they are invading cities and blocking escape routes on interstates. They are showing up all over the place! Many of you live in cities that are surrounded by these evil cones and you didn’t even realize it. Well, now you know, but in this case knowing might not be half the battle. We have to do something.
Think hard on this the next time you see a traffic cone sitting around, seemingly doing nothing, looking abandoned. What is it really there for?
Buffet o' Blog 
Mango-Man
You are so right! road cones are evil! The other day I when I left for work I saw one supposedly innocently sitting by the road… that after noon when I went back home there were at least half a dozen of them encircling a big destroyed section of pavement in the road… our world is being systematically destroyed by these horrific beings. Whats scarier is that no one seems to realize this! Think about all the times you’ve seen destruction and carnage around a city… these ‘cones’ are ALWAYS there! coincidence? I don’t think so! I’m just glad I havn’t came across one as depicted in the picture… whenever I see a cone I just go back the way I can and take another route to my destination.
Say what?!
“”whenever I see a cone I just go back the way I came and take another route to my destination.””
That’s what the evil cone wants you to do!
Thomas Wayne
Yep… it’s obvious that Mango-Man is scared of the evil road cones! I’m not, though. If I’m on foot, I kick ’em, and then use some of my cat-like ninja skills to beat them down. If I’m in my trusty El Camino, I run them over many times and peel out on their flattened carcasses.
Mango-Man, I’ll show you some of my moves sometime, so you too can help defeat the evil cones. Maybe this will also help you be less of a wuss… 🙂
Famous Psychologist From a Far Away Land
If we could ever get Mango-Man away from those flowers, maybe he wouldn’t be such a wuss. I bet he forces his wife to watched the View on TIVO!! We need to devise a de-wussification strategy to bring him back to the man-side.
I will read up on it in my Psychology textbooks (b/c they are soooo very useful) and I will give it some thought (b/c my vast intelligence is mind-bottling!) to see if he can possibly be saved.
Thomas Wayne
I’m all intelligent and stuff, but fortunately mine isn’t “mind-bottling“. I don’t really know what that is, but I’m a’gin it.
Famous Artist
Is this hatred and destructiveness still going on? Shame on you all for beating up on poor Flower-boy! He can’t help it that he’s afraid of the big, bad orange cones! Maybe when he was a child he asked his mom for a bouquet of flowers and she gave him a road cone instead. Or maybe his dad would come home after a long day at work and hit him over the head with one of the evil cones. All I’m saying is, he needs therapy, not judgment!
Thomas Wayne
I agree with Famous Artist on the last part — Flower-Boy needs help! 🙂
But by us exposing his wussiness, we are provoking him to change. He has hidden his weakness for too long, so now it has become known and he has to deal with it, one way or another. Let’s hope he can overcome his wussful tendencies…
Mango-Man
um… sorry I hate to interupt you ‘ladies’ here… but you are misinformed! obviously the last bit of my post was truncated. What it was meant to say was “whenever I see a cone I just go back the way I can and take another route to my destination and get my shotgun and go blow those cones to smithereens!!!” I know I know… I can sense your embarrasment for shortsighted comments…
cones… pshh!
Famous Psychologist From a Far Away Land
Soooo Mango-Man, not only is there some underlying fear of road cones, but you’re also lashing out violently against them. This is worse than I first thought. It seems that your exteme wussiness is forcing you to run away like a scared little girl, but then the shame caused by this extreme wussiness is causing uncontrollable anger and violence.
I am still working on a strategy to help alleviate the wussiness, but I am afraid that I did not realize the extent of it. Extreme measures may be needed.
Even though I am working on this strategy myself, suggestions are always welcomed! 🙂
Mango-Man
OH… so YOU’RE working through wussiness yourself! (to quote you “I am working on this strategy myself”) and for the record my anger and violence is not uncontrollable. I’m totally in control when I run one throught a wood-chipper or toss one in an incinerator 🙂 I have no shame or wussiness needing alleviated… quite inflecting YOUR problems on me. (If you’re unsure what I mean ask Thomas Wayne… he knows all about that!)
Famous Psychologist From a Far Away Land
Mango-man….there is no reason to try to deflect this onto me, as I am only trying to help you escape your extreme wussification. If you accept the problem, only then can we address it. Again there is no need to strike out against me, as you have been the one to demonstrate and even admit your own wussiness.
I know that your wussification is extreme and it will be a long hard road, but trust me it will be worth it when you no longer have flowers on your desktop, watch the View, or get lost on you way to work.
There will come a day when you will fart at will, watch football, and scratch yourself in public. Manliness is possible….even for you!!!
Famous Artist
Hey, you know what I heard on (insert reputable news station) today? Orange road cones are the newest terrorist tool used by Al-Queda! It’s a plot to destroy our interstates and highways, preventing us from going to work and thus rendering us broke and homeless. Flower-boy is right to be scared, but we should plan an attack as soon as possible. From now on, every time you come across “construction” on the road, try to run over as many cones as you possibly can. Remember, every cone you destroy is a kick below the belt to Osama Bin-Laden!
David
That thing is huge! Do you know where I can purchase one?