impressing the repairman

This is not my kitchen. My kitchen is used several times a day and I have better things to do than clean it several times a day.

There’s a repairman coming to my house this week to fix my oven, so he’s going to see my kitchen, living room, and dining room, and I really want to impress him with how clean and organized my house is. Well, except I don’t. But apparently I should. Supposedly. I don’t know. I mean, the house isn’t trashed or filthy — it just looks like a couple of young kids live here with parents who are too busy with life to keep the house spotless. Ironically, that’s true because it’s true. Well, I reckon that’s unironically, since the situation and explanation should be normal and okay. (What is it called when irony is ironic? Or if a lack of irony is actually irony? Are there terms for such confusion? But that’s a rabbit trail for another day… or not.)

Where was I? Oh, yeah, making a good impression with the repairman. I don’t know him. I’ve seen him once before, when he diagnosed the problem with my oven and had to order parts. I think I’d still classify him as a visitor, since I don’t even know his name. Maybe I should get to know him. After all, his opinion of my house is apparently really important and valuable, such that it causes stress and we need to clean a lot. So should I invite him over for dinner sometime? Although, on second thought, that might be awkward. Actually, this whole idea is awkward.

So what’s going on here? Basically, the post is satire but is based on actual events. The confusion is real. The awkwardness is unfortunately real. But here is the dramatic twist in the narrative — you can be the hero! Yes, you! Wait, before you click away, I’m not dragging you into this quagmire. There’s no further need to judge my house or repair my oven. Where you can help is by explaining what’s going on here. Why should I care what the repairman thinks of how clean and organized my house is? Are there legitimate reasons, or is this a load of malarkey? I report, you decide. If you understand, please leave a comment.

invisible sculpture for sale

From the department of “you are not going to believe this”, there’s an Italian artist named Salvatore Garau who recently auctioned a sculpture that does not actually exist and someone paid $18,300 for it! Literally, there is nothing but a certificate of authenticity and some instructions for how to display it. He calls it an “immaterial sculpture”. And this isn’t even the first time he’s “created” an invisible statue / sculpture — he’s made one that’s supposedly inside some white tape on the ground (see video image at the link above).

The “artist” explains it this way (from Snopes.com):

Rather than invisible sculptures, I would define them as immaterial sculptures. My fantasy, trained for a lifetime to feel differently the existing around me, allows me to “see” what apparently does not exist. The intangible sculptures are works that I feel as physical. Into the void there is a container of positive and negative possibilities that are constantly equivalent, in short, there is a density of events. Furthermore, the void is nothing more than a space full of energy, even if we empty it of electromagnetic fields, neutrinos, dark matter – in a way that nothing remains – it stands out that according to the Heisenberg uncertainty principle (which I recently read with enthusiasm) nothing has a weight! Therefore, it has an energy that condenses and turns into particles, in short, in us!

Now, if you aren’t experienced in the finer nuances of modern art, you might think this is all just jibber-jabber nonsense with a few scientific words included to confuse ignorant folk. But apparently he’s onto something, if multiple people are willing to bid tens of thousands of dollars to buy this art. And I completely understand what he’s talking about.

However, this is way too “high society” for most people. Honestly, middle class people just can’t afford $18,300 to buy any art piece, no matter how good it may or may not appear. Plus his requirements of five feet by five feet is a lot of spare room that most people just don’t have in their house. I get that. That’s where Buffet o’ Blog comes in.

We have for sale similar sculptures, made affordably for you. Each piece is unique, yet immaterial. It’s random, yet profound. Amusing, yet contemplative. Each order includes a certificate of authenticity. And it requires only about one foot by one foot, so you can put it on a coffee table or your bathroom counter or for your dining table centerpiece (it’s a great conversation starter!). It can be enjoyed anytime, but for optimum experience, we recommend you contemplate the depth of it while consuming your favorite beverage (like sweet tea). We also made them easier to understand — no need to ponder the uncertainty of neutrinos or any such scientific stuff. Anyone can comprehend what ours is all about.

See how much better this looks?

How much would you pay for something like this? $5,000? $10,000? It could be worth that. These are hand-crafted here in the USA — no imported ingredients ever. We pay attention to detail, and they all pass multiple stages of quality control. But because we want everyone to be able to enjoy these in the comfort of your own home, we are offering them for the low, low introductory sale price of $120 each. That’s over 95% off the MSRP!

Order now! Supplies are limited! If you pass on this offer, you might have regret for a long time (which might feel like indigestion… or bad gas).

Seriously, we priced it low so you can enjoy it. This is for your benefit. These are super premium quality — pictures don’t do it justice, you need to see it in your home. It’s not every day you can get world-famous-style art in your home for such an affordable price!

Super Bowl randomness

It’s a few weeks after the big game, but that doesn’t matter.  Either you’ll like this or you won’t.  (That could probably apply to any post, although more so for this one, since it’s about football.)  Anyway, I came across a blog where someone wrote a live update of the pregame and game, and it’s not your usual summary.  In addition to being funny, it’s a glimpse into how the game and commentary might look to someone who isn’t accustomed to American culture.  So much of this perspective we normally miss, just because it’s normal to us or we don’t bother to think about it.  Anyway, here’s some excerpts from the Super Bowl XLVII summary: The Superest Bowl Ever.

2:39: Bombshell! President Barack Obama DOESN’T KNOW WHO HE IS ROOTING FOR! We should impeach him! This somehow segues into a story about concussions. I assume they’re implying that Obama has a concussion, but I may be reading too much into it.

3:05: Chuck Pagano, the Indianapolis Colts head coach was hired, then was diagnosed with leukemia, then it went into remission. There is a lot of crying. Most of it is not from me, though, so kudos to me for being manly. Inspirational/depressing story #3.

3:20: CBS asked their Facebook fans which quarterback was the best. That is a great idea for deciding levels of talent. No one on Facebook will vote based on their biases.

3:36: Apparently Obama isn’t concerned about his son playing football since he only has two daughters. Bombshell! OBAMA IS SEXIST AND SAYS HIS DAUGHTERS WON’T BE INTERESTED IN PLAYING FOOTBALL BECAUSE THEY’RE GIRLS! No wonder the right hates him so much.

4:00: Football players explain that they are trying hard to win the Super Bowl while the “Saving Private Ryan” soundtrack plays in the background. I figured they were planning on phoning it in, so now I’m really looking forward to the game.

5:00: “The Kickoff Show” starts. What the crap have I been watching for the past 3 hours?

5:01: A bunch of retired NFL players start stories about their turn in the Super Bowl. They never finish the stories though before someone else starts talking. Either those players are all very bad at interrupting or the CBS editors have serious ADD.

6:05: The first quarter ends with the score 7-3. More importantly, I am eating wings. Therefore, I do not care about the stupid football game for the next half hour.

6:09: The Harbaughs’ parents are at the game. I was wondering if they were watching the game, but thank goodness someone had the answer for me.

6:13: The 49ers fumble and the Ravens recover. They really should have made a game-plan that involved not dropping the ball. I bet they do that next time.

6:28: Baltimore Ravens interception by Ed Reed leads to an awesome brawl. I am starting to sense that these two teams don’t get along. Maybe we should take a quick break, talk things out, then get back to the game after everyone has apologized to each other.

6:42: Subway uses a commercial spot to honor Jared for not being fat for 15 years. He appreciates it, I’m sure, but would probably prefer that they gave him something besides Subway to eat.

7:31: Kickoff for the second half is returned 109 yards for a Ravens’ touchdown. I now will spend the next 15 minutes wondering if I could even run 109 yards. 28-6 Ravens.

7:37: Extended silence from the announcers while they show that lights have gone out in the ceiling. One player is shown yelling at the lights. I’m surprised, but it didn’t seem to work.

7:41: A sideline reporter is telling us that the power is out. It was a very in-depth investigative report.

7:44: CBS sends it to the studio. They confirm that the lights are out. So, to summarized, the lights are out.

7:49: The lights are, according to the studio, still out. According to them, this makes it darker inside and will make the game more difficult. When I was a kid, I knew people who had glow in the dark Nerf footballs. The NFL should look into getting those.

7:52: The sideline reporter spoke to the players. It turns out that they aren’t afraid of the dark, so that’s a relief.

7:59: When the lights come back on, the studio analysts say the game will start again. That is the decision I would make if I were in charge of the game.

9:04: Kaepernick runs for a San Francisco touchdown. They go for a two-point conversion. If you get points for throwing the ball way over someone’s head, they succeeded. Since they don’t get points for that, It’s 31-29 Baltimore.

9:51: Toyota postgame show begins. Sponsored by Toyota.

Lessons learned from commercials tonight:

If you hire Century 21, the realtor will save your life or provide medical care, but only if you are looking for a house.

M&M’s would prefer that you do not eat them.

Parents don’t care about parties as long as you are drinking a delicious low calorie soda.

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson cannot save the world from aliens, get cats out of a tree, or stop lions from mauling people without having a glass of milk first.

The Volkswagen makes people speak like Jamaicans. Weird product feature there.

Taco Bell makes old people do things like stupid youths.

Trucks are great for farmers.

Try applying original thinking the next time you’re watching a TV show or commercials.  Just how much is going on that is silly or absurd or random?

breathing to get healthier

As is typical when the new year rolls around, people are making resolutions to be healthy and to lose weight.  This is a good thing, although continuing to follow through with them is a good thing, too.  (Good intentions don’t make you lose weight.  I wish it were that easy, but let’s not fool ourselves.)

take a deep breath, enjoy natureAlong those lines, Mango-Man sent me an article called “Healthful Resolutions: Breathing”, with the summary saying breathing exercises are portable, free, and help you manage unhealthy stress.  I couldn’t be bothered to read the article, because I’m already pretty good at breathing, if I may say so.  I’ve been breathing successfully for, um, a number of years now.  The actual number isn’t so important.  It’s been a lot of years, with the caveat that it’s not a LOT.

I’m not saying certain breathing techniques can’t help you feel better, especially if you’re exercising — there are techniques that can help.  But there are better ways of removing stress than just breathing.  For starters, laughing does the heart good, like a medicine.  That’s the primary purpose of this blog: to enjoy life more.  So if you want to feel better, deal with your problems as best you can, and find ways to laugh more.  I was going to say “and don’t forget about the breathing part”, but you don’t have to think about it, because it happens naturally already.

Feel free to subscribe to this blog (via the sidebar) if you’d like to receive new posts via e-mail.  We’re also on Facebook, if that’s more convenient for you.

BTW, while searching for this image, I came across an article that says:

Deep breathing exercises are a great way to lose tummy fat around your waist and get slim without strenuous workouts that seem to do more harm than good that or portable, which mean you can do them anywhere you go.

long breath dietThat’s the actual text to start the article.  Then on the same page was this image, explaining that you can get ripped abs in only minutes a day, that some 50-year-old Japanese guy lost 28 pounds and 5 inches from his waist in only 50 days with this diet.  And supposedly it’s “similar to Bruce Lee’s dragon breathing technique”. So that’s how he was so fit!  I never knew it was so easy!  So if I just do this 1 minute long breath diet, I’ll have ripped abs like Bruce Lee.  Amazing!  I always figured he had to do hours of weightlifting and fitness training to be so buff.  There’s no telling what you’ll learn just from surfing the Internet a few minutes a day…  That same page also had a Karaoke Diet.  Maybe we need to invent our own diets!