dealing with too much gas

I just received an e-mail from the indiscriminate Thomas Wayne, who would like some advice on a situation he is facing.

I had pizza last night, and it was excellent, but today I have lots of gas.  Excessive amounts, even.  But I work in a cubicle / cube farm, and some of my coworkers don’t appreciate the novelty of a rank fart.  And it’s not convenient to go to the bathroom every time I need to rip one — that would take way too much time (plus I’m lazy).  Also, I’ve heard that repressing your farts is bad for your health.  So what are my options?

Does anyone have any suggestions for Thomas Wayne in dealing with his exorbitant levels of flatulence?

2 thoughts on “dealing with too much gas

  1. Important Doctor

    TW it’s true! holding in your flatulance can be dangerous to your heath!
    do this too much and you risk injuring your flatiforous muscle (the muscle the controls how ‘quick’ the release of gas is when you break wind.

    here’s your options:
    1) break wind using the cushion in your seat to silence the noise and then continue as if nothing has happened… if someone compains and says…”hey who farted? respond with the age old agage of “he who smelt it delt it” You may also wish to make use of a fan to ‘whisk away’ any odors”
    2) if loudness is a problem begin to play humous clips containing flatulance over your computer speakers laughing about how funny it is. Initially people may look into your cube to see whats going on then they will go away. After playing these clips for a while feel free to break wind at will… as often and as loud as you wish.
    * authors note: option 2 is not (i repeat NOT) effective if you play the clips and listen to them on your headphones, if you do this your gaseous exploits will be found out.

  2. Thomas Wayne

    What would be really cool is if I could become one of those butt-ventriloquists… Does anyone know how to do that?

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