must keep eating

I just heard in the news that there’s a woman who must eat every 15 minutes to stay alive.  She eats up to 60 small meals a day, consuming between 5,000 and 8,000 calories per day, yet she cannot gain any weight.   She gets excited if she gains even one pound.  She wears size triple zero clothes.  The doctors say it’s a condition called NPS.

I wonder if I have some type of eating disorder, because I often feel the need to eat big, fattening meals, and I’m unable to lose weight.  🙂  If only there was some important doctor who could offer me some advice…

2008 hot dog eating championship

On July 4th every year, there’s a hot dog eating competition which brings out the world’s best at such things.  This year, former world record-holder Takeru “The Tsunami” Kobayashi tied with defending champion Joey “Jaws” Chestnut.  Get this — they each ate 59 hot dogs (with bun) in 10 minutes.

At this news site, you can watch a video of the competition, but I would advise against it.  It might sound neat to discuss this, but it’s not so fun to watch it.  Really…

The winner gets a one-year supply of hot dogs from Nathan’s.

Joey Chestnut, wolfing down the hot dogs
Joey Chestnut, wolfing down the hot dogs

Anyway, back to the 2008 competition.  I had the misfortune of watching it this year because the people whose house I was at decided to watch it for some reason.  The two former champions tied, so we were wondering what should happen.  One of us had the idea that they should have a race across a football field, lengthwise, to see who wins.  That would be funny to watch them try to run after consuming 59 hot dogs in just 10 minutes.  (They’d probably need to censor out the ensuing vomiting.)  But instead of this, they had a “dog off” where the one who had 5 more first won.

Also, there were quite a few contestants that weren’t even close.  As far as I saw, none of them stopped eating early.  I’d think they’d stop the torture if they saw the scoreboard and noticed that they were 10 hot dogs behind already.  Why would they keep going?  But maybe they wanted to say they did their best.

how to justify eating more than normal at Larry’s Pizza

The staff of Buffet o’ Blog are going to Larry’s Pizza tomorrow for lunch, so it’s guaranteed to be a good time.  Yesterday we were discussing how great their pizza is and how easy it is to eat more food than normal.  So our Senior Statistics Correspondent, Turtle Dundee, created a formula using simple math that explains why it’s okay to eat more than normal there.  Here’s the computational sequence (don’t worry, it won’t give you a headache — it’s quite simple, really):

So even though we’re going to Larry’s tomorrow, I figure that’s really only 1.75 meals away.  There’s lunch today, that’s a full meal.  Then dinner tonight, eating a bit less than usual that’s .70 of a meal.  Breakfast tomorrow is just a nibble, that’s .05 of a meal.  Then for lunch tomorrow I’m 1.25 meals short, so that’s 2.25 meals for lunch.  And since nobody wants to eat dinner after Larry’s, that puts me up to 3.25 meals for lunch.

That would actually make a good slogan for them: Larry’s Pizza — It’s 3.25 meals good.

That makes sense to me!  For those of you who skipped over the numbers and don’t want to apply them in your head, I’ll take care of the math for you.  If a normal serving size is 4 pieces (which seems low to me, but we’ll start with that), then 4 times 3.25 equals 13 pieces of pizza.  If your normal serving size is 6 pieces, then applying that equation would result in 19.5 pieces of pizza, which is quite a haul for one meal!

Feel free to join us there for lunch tomorrow.  I guarantee it’ll be a good time.  If you’re wondering how to find us, just use these clues: 1) it’ll be all guys at one table; 2) the pizzas of choice will have lots of dead animals on them; 3) there will be randomness and laughing to overflow.  Oh, and we’ll be the coolest people there.  So you shouldn’t have any difficulty in recognizing us.  (We don’t put our pictures on the blog because this site already exceeds the daily recommended coolness quotient, and that might put us over the top.)

viewer mail, issue #11

It’s been a while since I’ve answered viewer mail, so here goes.  Like always, these are actual search terms used to find this site, followed by commentary and analysis.  There wasn’t any questions to answer this week, but if you have any, use the “Contact Us” link to send it to us.

  • flavor of poop — I haven’t ever researched this (for good reason), so I’m going to resort to a third-party on this one.  I have read of someone who actually ate some, and he said it tasted about like what you would expect.  I wish I could find the reference to it, because I’d give him a few seconds of additional fame for his feat.
  • i would like 17 super powers please — Doesn’t that seem kinda greedy?  Of course it would be great to have more superpowers than you know what to do with, but then some would get wasted.  Besides, can you think of any superheroes that have 17 super powers?  That would offset the balance on both sides, and it would be really bad if you decided to use your powers for evil.  So, sorry, on this request you’ll have to be DENIED.
  • coworker is an aliencoworker is an alien — If this is true, then you need to be very careful!  An alien is not going to come to Earth just to sit in a cubicle and do work; he obviously has some ulterior motives.  He could be here for research, spying, infiltration, or kidnapping.   But regardless of that, there’s another aspect of this to consider.  Do you have any idea how much fame and fortune you could get by discovering an alien?!?  People have tried to prove the existence of UFOs for decades, and if you could, you’d be so famous.  So document all your encounters with him/her/it, and keep your proof in a safe place.  Write a book with an accompanying DVD, then hit the talk show circuit.  You’ll easily make millions!
  • words like discombobulator — That word makes me feel discombobulated…
  • why do pickles explode — BECAUSE THEY’RE EVIL!!!  Actually, I didn’t know they explode on their own, but I do know for a fact that they’re evil.  Does anyone have any evidence or explanation of them exploding?  My plan of shooting all pickles into the sun would cause them to explode, but if there’s any natural exploding of pickles, I’d like to know about it.
  • unbreakable stuff — That’s just a myth.  Nothing is unbreakable.  I’ve worked with people who were naturals at breaking anything.
  • why should i eat chocolate — This one is really easy — because it tastes great!  What other reasons do you need?  But if someone is trying to convince you that it’s not healthy, that’s just because they want the chocolate for themselves.  Chocolate actually does have nutritional properties to it.  It has antioxidants, which nobody understands, but they say your body needs them.  And chocolate is a great source of sugar.  I know, sugar gets a bad reputation these days, but did you know your brain runs on sugar?  It’s true, look it up.  Of course, your body can create sugar from foods like fruits and vegetables, but why not save the time and effort by eating chocolate, which has your daily sugar needs in highly concentrated form (plus it tastes much better).
  • how safe is buffet eating? — I’ve never had any problems with it.  But, since you brought it up, I should research this.  I think this calls for a trip to Larry’s Pizza!  WOOHOO!  Would anyone like to join me to offer a second opinion?  Before you quickly volunteer, know that this may require multiple visits to local buffets, so we can reduce the standard deviation and stuff.  🙂

That’s it for this week.  Now you know more than before.  You’re welcome.