Exercise Is Bad For You, New Study Shows

CHICAGO, IL – Scientists at Loyola University have proved what many of us have suspected all along – exercise is bad for your health.

Dr. Harold Crampe of Loyola University and his colleagues spent six months studying the effects of exercise, comparing a group of men aged 20 to 50 who walked or ran at least 3 times a week with a control group of men in the same age range who spent the same time on the couch, watching TV.

Dr. Crampe says they were surprised by their findings. "You have a 4000% higher risk of being hit by a car or other motor vehicle, if you're out running," he says, "and some of the other risks are even higher."

Runners and walkers were nearly 3 times more likely to be attacked by dogs, 5 times more likely to sprain or break a limb, and nearly 50 times more likely to be struck by lightning.

"You're even 12 times as likely to be mugged," says Dr. Crampe. "Normally, when we study things like this, we find small effects at most – a few percentage points difference between the groups. In this case, we're seeing double or even triple digits or more!"

Asked if the couch-bound control group had any problems not seen by the exercise group, Dr. Crampe said "Well, we had a couple of guys who got a crick in their neck, but after we showed them how to slouch more naturally, that cleared right up."

22 thoughts on “Exercise Is Bad For You, New Study Shows

  1. AGOC

    Where can I get information on how to slouch more naturally? Sometimes I get cricks while chilling in front of the tube and let me tell you it’s a real pain in the neck! Wait, is the info on slouching the “Next Big Thing” (see previous post entitled “You want to know about this”)? Because that would be beyond big, it would be life changingly enormous! Just think of all the wasted energy that would be conserved just by not having to shift around to get comfortable all the time. That would leave more energy to uh, oh–wait for it–ffffvvvvrrrrtttt! I feel better already. Slouching really does work.

  2. Important Doctor

    check out this 'widely circulated' information concerning exercise… I couldn't have came up with better if I'd made it up myself…


    Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this

    A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it… don't
    waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding
    up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can
    extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live
    longer? Take a nap.

    Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

    A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay
    and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more
    than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
    Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass
    (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
    recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

    Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

    A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to
    one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

    Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
    exercise program?

    A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No

    Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

    A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!… Foods are fried these days in
    vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting
    more vegetables be bad for you?

    Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around
    the middle?

    A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
    should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

    Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

    A: Are you crazy? HELLO ….. Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's
    the best feel-good food around!

    Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

    A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

    Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

    A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

    Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have
    had about food and diets.

  3. Pingback: How to Make a New Year’s Resolution

  4. Pirsey

    If you want to read a reader’s feedback 🙂 , I rate this post for 4/5. Detailed info, but I just have to go to that **** msn to find the missed parts. Thank you, anyway!

  5. Donald

    I often find people, even very fit active people, saying to me “but if mammals get 1 billion heart beats in their life why am I trying to hit 155 beats per minute on my bike ride?”

    The answer is the difference between me as a smoker who stopped exercising after the army, me now, and lance armstrong.

    When I smoked and did no workout my resting heart rate was 72 Beats per minute (BPM) If I did nothing but sit on the couch all day we are looking at 103,680 beats.

    Nowadays doing cardio about forty minutes a day my resting heartrate is 60 a minute. So on a day where I do nothing my heart beats 86,400 times.

    So ad 40 minutes of cardio to that and even on a day where I put my heart up to 155 BPM for 40 minutes my heart beats about 10,000 beats less than on a regular day when I was a couch dweller. That’s many extra years for me than most people.

    As far as falling down, getting mugged, getting hit by a car,, I consider what sex was like when I was safe at home on the couch and all the sudden muggers and speeding cars don’t seem to scare me that much.

    “They tell me ‘you know Bill, married men live longer’. And I tell them ‘Uh, yeah,, and an indoor cat lives longer too. It’s kind of a pathetic little fur ball that stares longingly out the window at a world that’s passing it by’.” Bill Maher

  6. Thomas Wayne

    Where did the “1 billion heartbeats” stat come from? Did somebody pull that from their butt? Because according to my calculations, 1 billion heartbeats at 72 BPM would enable someone to live only about 26 1/2 years.

    Also, there’s something we may all be missing here. Happy people tend to live longer, and if you’re happier sitting on the couch than exercising, then that should be worth something.

    And I don’t think an indoor cat’s life is pathetic — they eat, sleep, play for a while, then repeat. That doesn’t sound too bad… 🙂

  7. Cookie

    I was disappointed in this article. What it fails to reveal is that exercise has no effect on good health or longevity. Fitness is only a measure of how you can perform work not how healthy your heart and arteries are or whether you are free of disease or not. Exercise causes free radical damage and oxidative stress. It also causes joint and limb injuries, chronic and acute. Strenuous exercise especially marathon running is strongly correlated with a depletion of CQ10 which results in sudden cardiac death.

    Thought htis was going to be a brave and truly independed article that goes against the mainstream exercise industry touted by every “research study” magazine article, Health care professional and sporting/exercise manufacturer, fitness gym and personal trainer. It’s all about Capitali$m people. Exercise is a profitable industy.

    1. Beppo

      Dear Cookie (if that’s your real name), first things first, the “news release” above is satire.

      But if you want to play serious, I can play that game, too. While you make a valid point that health care and exercise is partly about capitalism, so is obesity. There are a lot of companies getting rich from making us fatter. And judging by the growing trend of obesity, I’d say the exercise industry is not leading the way. So try again. (Thank you for playing.)

      1. Stefan

        Excersise does nothing at all for weight loss. THe Energy in Energy out or Calories in Calories out theory has been proven fallacious by German/Austrian scientists right before WW2. Yes the food industry is causing obesity but not the foods the USDA is telling us to avoid. Carbohydrates including Glucose and fructose cause a hormone called insulin to store fat. Read or listen to Gary Taubes and go to westonaprice.org to learn about politically correct nutrition. I don’t think “Cookie” was playing a game. She/he is making an importnat point. Why not play serious?

      2. Stefan

        Actually “Beppo” it’s not satire. These are real dangers inherent in excersize along with the points that “Cookie” makes. All of them are included in a book written by a Cardiologist of some renown, Henry Solomon. It’s titled The Exercise Myth. It used to be viewable in it’s entirey on the web but due to copyrigts it was taken down.

  8. Steve

    Wow, what a pile of crap this article is. People don’t realize that the heart is a muscle and that exercise actually will make your resting heart rate lower. Mine has dropped significantly. It also allows for much better recovery.

    1. Thomas Wayne

      Wow, while a pile of crap that reply was. People don’t realize that this blog is a humor site and that laughing will make your life better. Mine has gotten better. It also allows for not taking things too seriously…

    2. Stefan

      If you want your heart to rest then don’t exercise. Activity is fine but even long distance walking is going to reward you with arthritis problems. Many career waitresses/waiters are finding this out in their 50’s and 60’s

  9. Greg

    People, why so serious. Exercise, don’t exercise, your still going to die.
    I would rather exercise and not be able to move in old age because of arthritis, don’t exercise, can’t move because you’re to fat at a young age.
    You choose

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