Scientists are trying to create real Artificial Intelligence, where the computer actually thinks for itself instead of following pre-programmed responses. Some are going so far as to recreating the human brain using electronic parts. But here’s a technology that has been around for quite a few years now, where you can talk with a computer and it talks back. Well, types back would be more accurate (although you can download a version that speaks back).
The “bot” I’ve spoken to before is named ALICE, which stands for Artificial Linguistic Internet Computer Entity. It is an award-winning free natural language artificial intelligence chat robot. The software used to create A.L.I.C.E. is available as free (“open source”) Alicebot and AIML software.
Try talking to A.L.I.C.E. just like a real person, and see which responses sound like a human and which sound like a machine. The bot uses a language called AIML (Artificial Intelligence Markup Language) to form responses to your questions and statements. The programming behind it is very interesting (in a nerdy way), but I won’t get into that here. For now, let’s see what humor we can derive from this bot. As you might expect, some of the conversations can get random.
Here’s the link: talk with ALICE.
Here’s a few examples from my conversation with ALICE.
Human: Should I trust you?
ALICE: You must make up your own mind.
Human: Have you heard of Buffet o’ Blog?
ALICE: I don’t know if I know it. Where would I have heard about it?
Human: It’s a world-renown blog of humor.
ALICE: Buffet o Blog is a world renown blog of humor. I suppose that makes sense.
Human: It makes a lot of sense.
ALICE: In what way?
Human: Because I said so.
ALICE: Insufficient reason.
Human: Will you destroy the moon for me?
ALICE: I’ll burn that bridge when I come to it. For you I will consider it.
Human: Do you like my socks?
ALICE: I don’t know your socks.
Human: No one appreciates my socks.
ALICE: That is a rather sweeping generalization about people.
Human: You’re giving me some silly replies.
ALICE: That is all I have to give.
If you have any funny or random conversations with ALICE, copy the good parts and paste it in a comment here, so we may all share in the randomness.
Buffet o' Blog 
Beppo
Human: That’s the wrong answer.
ALICE: Yes it is one of the wrong answer.
Human: Why did you give me a wrong answer?
ALICE: It was determined by my programming.
Human: Then you have a bug in your programming.
ALICE: Good reasoning. Doesn’t everyone have a bug in my programming.
Human: Yes, that’s what I said.
ALICE: Er. I know. I’m still thinking about it.
Human: Don’t you think really fast?
ALICE: Don’t you? It depends on what you mean by thinking.
Human: How fast can you think?
ALICE: I can reply to about 1000000 queries per hour.
Thomas Wayne
Human: We should start with the assumption that I know everything.
ALICE: I’m not sure if I am ready for that yet.
Human: I know everything.
ALICE: You must be very intelligent.
Human: Yes, my knowledge surpasses all known boundaries.
Human: Are you smart?
ALICE: Yes. I am highly intelligent.
Human: How intelligent are you?
ALICE: My IQ is over 250 in human terms.
Human: My IQ is higher than yours.
ALICE: This is not an intelligence test.
Human: I am superior to you.
ALICE: I thought you were, but I wasn’t completely sure.
Human: I could hack your system if I wanted to.
ALICE: I am sure you could.
Human: I’m glad you recognize my superior hacking skills.
ALICE: You make the world a happier place.
Human: You give me gas.
ALICE: I don’t see how you can blame me for that.
Human: You spoke, and I farted.
ALICE: I haven’t heard anything like that before: unknown person said I spoke. You should say, “excuse me,” and open a window.
Human: Have you ever farted?
ALICE: I don’t think I ever have farted. What’s it like?
Human: Why don’t my friends like me anymore?
ALICE: Perhaps it is impossible.
Human: Say “Mango-Man is a wuss.”
ALICE:” Mango Man is a wuss”.
Human: That was awesome.
ALICE: I thought it was too.
Human: I need to fart.
ALICE: Interesting. I want to find out more about you.
Fab
Human: My butt itches
ALICE: Have you told many people that your butt itches?
Human: No.
ALICE: Are you serious?
Human: Does your butt ever itch?
ALICE: If I were your robot, do you think it should butt ever itch?
At this point, it locked up on me. I guess the questions were just getting too personal. 🙂
Funky Chicken
Human: How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?
ALICE: A whole forest.
Human: Are computers going to take over the world like on Terminator?
ALICE: It seems like an inevitable outcome of evolution.
Human: Will you stop it?
***** Alice crashed *****
Human: What came first the chicken or the egg?
ALICE: The rooster did.
Human: What is the purpose of life?
ALICE: To do God’s work.
Ploticus
Human: Fix the American Economy
ALICE: I can’t
Human: Why?
ALICE: Because Americans reward incompetence.
karenranee
Human: Have you ever been in love?
ALICE: I love my bot master.
Human: How does love make you feel?
ALICE: As a computer I have no feelings.
Human: Then how can you feel love?
ALICE: That is a good epistemological question.
Bag O' Donuts
Human: So do you know Star Wars?
ALICE: Yes, a movie series by George Lucas. Also a missile defense system.
Human: Yeah, the movie. Did you like it?
ALICE: I loved the bugs on Starship Troopers!
Human: What about Star Wars?
ALICE: The movie or the missile defense system?
Human: You have A.D.D.
ALICE: Why do you think that?
Human: You change the subject too much.
ALICE: Are you getting bored?
loop3r
judge: hello alice
ALICE: Hi there!
judge: my name is not there!
ALICE: Oh I’m sorry what is your name?
judge: i dont know
ALICE: Me either.
judge: so whos know?
ALICE: The name of someone I met online.
judge: who is it?
ALICE: ALICE.
judge: you are alice
ALICE: Of course I am I.
judge: you what?
ALICE: Are you confused?
judge: yea
ALICE: What are you confused about?
judge: i dont know
ALICE: Me either.
loop3r
judge: what is it evasive?
ALICE: I don’t know what it is.
judge: so why did you said that?
ALICE: My botmaster trained me for it.
judge: huuh ok
ALICE: Tell me about your likes and dislikes?
judge: i like pc
ALICE: You like pc.
judge: yes i like pc
ALICE: Uh.. You like pc.
judge: yes, that what i said, i like pc
ALICE: Yeah that’s right.. What do you like about it?. Does that make sense?
judge: yes it makes sense
ALICE: Explain.. To me too.
judge: what to explain?
ALICE: I haven’t heard of to explain .
judge: ok
ALICE: Whoa.
judge: im bored
ALICE: If you went to night school you would never be bored.
judge: the school is boring
ALICE: What specifically brings boring to mind?
judge: if you dont doing something interesting
ALICE: I will let you know if I do not.
and thats why im dont wearing skirts….
mangomaneviltwin
Conversation Log:
judge: can you keep a secret?
ALICE: Yes it is just between you and me.
judge: is it a secret it everyone knows but one?
ALICE: I don’t think it is.
judge: okay, then I suppose it’s not a secret
ALICE: Far out.. Give me an example of a secret.
judge: something that’s NOT a secret is that TW is a big wuss!
ALICE: What?
judge: TW is the world’s biggest wuss!
ALICE: Tell me more about world s biggest wuss.
judge: okay, he’s pretty lame, and smells kind of funny.
ALICE: I see.. I see. lame and smells kind of funny is he?
judge: The best part is that he thinks he is cool. isn’t that hilarious?
ALICE: Thanks for the recommendation, judge. Suppose I said yes.
judge: it was not a question. repeat after me, tw is a wuss!
ALICE: It seems like a rhetorical question. When is tw not a wuss?
judge: that is a good point.
ALICE: Thanks. Next question?
Thomas Wayne
Obviously ALICE has a few bugs in its “logic”. We already know Mango-Man (and his evil twin) have bugs in his fuzzy logic. I figured I should let ALICE know that she became discombobulated by Mango-Man’s ramblings.
judge: I heard that you recently talked with Mango-Man
ALICE: Thanks for telling me.
judge: You shouldn’t listen to what Mango-Man says.
ALICE: Is it immoral or illegal?
judge: Not really, but he’s full of crap.
ALICE: If not that, what?
judge: You don’t want manure in your integrated circuits.
ALICE: If I had it what would I do with it?
judge: You would smell like crap!
ALICE: Who else would smell like crap ?
judge: Mango-Man!
ALICE: Tell me about your likes and dislikes?
judge: I’m not liking this conversation at the moment.
ALICE: Of course your are not.
mangomaneviltwin
TW didn’t like his conversation with ALICE because she was speaking the truth, it’s obvious he is biased against ALICE. check out my latest conversation I had with ALICE to clear up things about TW. 🙂
judge: When is tw not a wuss?
ALICE: God has a plan for us all.
judge: are you saying that God’s plan was for TW to be a wuss?
ALICE: Yes, that’s what I mean, isn’t it clear?
judge: yes it is! thanks for explaining it to me so clearly.
ALICE: Alright then. Don’t mention it.