The other night I went outside to put a bag of garbage in the trash can. It was already dark outside, and there’s not much light behind my house, because I’m on the edge of the city, so it’s country-esque behind my house (meaning no street lights back there). This is one of those times that the moon should’ve provided a small amount of light to illuminate my path, but it failed me. The moon was nowhere to be found. It was a clear night, yet there was no moon shining.
We’ve discussed this before, how the moon is broken. I’ve encouraged my readers to petition their state representatives to get NASA to fix the situation, but obviously it’s not working. In fact, I have heard nothing about the government’s plans to fix the moon. (Why isn’t this ever asked in the Presidential debates? This should be an election issue!) Since my first attempts have not accomplished much, I’m forced to take more drastic measures. I’m going to sue the moon, or at least whoever claims ownership of it. This will get their attention (and put some money in my pocket, to add more motion-sensing floodlights on my house, and perhaps to upgrade my home theater, and other important stuff).
I know, some may say the moon is owned by nobody, but didn’t the U.S. claim it when we landed on it in 1969? Or perhaps someone else claims ownership, like has happened with Mars. (If you don’t know, three Yemeni men sued NASA for trespassing on Mars in 1997, claiming they inherited the planet from their ancestors 3,000 years ago.) I researched this, and found that a man named Dennis Hope claimed ownership of the entire moon in 1980 and has sold plots of land on the moon to some 300,000 people. (He started selling it for about a penny an acre, but now it’s $27.15 an acre; and he’s made $1.6 million from it.)
Either way, I’m offended at the moon. It was unsafe for me to walk outside that night, due to the surrounding darkness. What if I would’ve stepped on a pitchfork and injured myself, or what if there had been a disgruntled woodland creature about to attack me? I was in potential danger — peril, even — because the moon is broken. This is an outrage! It has been broken for years now, and none of our politicians seem to care!
Some of you may wonder what right I have to be offended at the moon. I’m glad you asked — I will enlighten you. NASA, which is funded by our government, landed on the moon and planted an American flag on it, claiming ownership (as has been done by explorers for thousands of years). My taxes help fund these NASA expeditions. Part of my paycheck goes towards space exploration and such, and they need to be responsible with how they spend it! So I’m calling them on it. I am an American citizen, thus I have inalienable rights by the Constitution. So somebody better get to fixing the moon before the lawsuits start flying. If I can’t get someone to fix the moon, then I’ll at least get a payout large enough that I can buy robots to take out the trash for me while I live in luxury, safely inside my newly-remodeled home theater with a wall-sized high-definition projection screen, M&K surround-sound speakers, and of course, an industrial-sized popcorn popper and an ice-cream dispenser. (Hey, it’s the American way…)