pickles are evil

Pickles are of the devil.  We should burn the world’s pickle supply.  Although that may create a horrendous smell.  Perhaps a better plan would be to shoot them into the sun.  Yeah, that would be about the only cool use of pickles — watching them explode.  🙂

51 thoughts on “pickles are evil

  1. PETP representative

    I am writing to you today on behalf of the PETP (People for the Ethical Treatment of Pickles). I am shocked and outraged by your ‘hate speech’ and ‘intolerance’ of our Pickle Population. It is Prejudice and bigotry such as yours that has our country’s reputation sliding slowly down the ‘toilet of moral decline’. I have a dream… that someday, PL (Pickle Lovers) & PH (Pickle Haters) can work side by side in harmonious peaceful unity. your proclivity toward pickles is both narrow-minded and wrong! I truly hope you will repent of your fascist mentality. If not you will be hearing from our lawyer… once we get one…
    Thanks for you’re understanding,

  2. Thomas Wayne

    Listen here, PETP rep! Do you think you can just come bargin’ in here with yo’ politically-correct diarrhea at the mouth about the “Ethical Treatment of Pickles”?

    Oh, I guess there is some legal precedent about freedom of speech… but regardless, I won’t stand for this nonsense!

    Pickles don’t get ethical treatment because they are not ethical! Let me repeat the main idea here to help you get it : pickles are evil. Do you understand me? PICKLES ARE EVIL! And they’re not even alive! There’s nothing for you to defend. And why do you even care about pickles? First off, they stank… bad. And in their uncut form they look like green turds submerged in a vat of some hideous liquid. Can you picture how horrible that is? There is no other way around this issue — pickles must be destroyed!

    You’d better eat all your precious pickles you can now, because after I make my rounds, they will all be cast into the sun, into utter oblivion. And don’t stand in my way… you don’t want to start somethin’…

  3. PETP representative

    Thomas Wayne, I am insulted by such scathing remarks. If I thought you had the mental capacity to understand I would return such insults in like kind, but I digress. I challenge you to offer proof of even one ‘un-ethical pickle’. Pickles are a resource to be cherished and preserved (that’s why we pack them in vinegar… which is DUH a preservative) In amongst your inane ramblings you mention ‘evil pickles’… pray tell HOW a pickle can be evil or even un-ethical? pickles don’t have ethics… so they can be neither ethical NOR un-ethical. Are you trying to say just because you find the aroma of pickles unpleasant and because (in your words) “they are shaped like a ‘turd'” that they are evil? In that case I could say the same of YOU… you evil smelly person… The cucumbers that our precious pickles are made from are grown from the earth… thus making the pickle a ‘natural resource’. ANY person that is environmentally concious knows how important it is for us to preserve our natural resources. what are you some kind of commie? an EVIL STINKING commie? trying to destoy all of earths natural resources. SHAME on you…

  4. Responsible Adult

    Settle down, children! Let’s handle this in a civilized manner. Calling names only makes the debate ugly.

    As an unbiased party, I will consider both sides and help decide the situation…

    After careful study and conducting my own scientific-accurate experiments, I have concluded that pickles are indeed evil and should be destroyed at all costs.

    You’re welcome.

  5. Important Scientist

    If you do shoot all the pickles at the sun, be sure and cover them with sunblock, while you’re at it. This way, as a comment suggested on another post, the harmful UV rays will be blocked at the source and pickles will prove their worth once and for all by transporting this important chemical to a place where it is badly needed. Basically and fundamentally, this should work, according to all the computer models that I have seen.

  6. Important Evil Genius E.D (evil Doctor)

    All this arguing has finally persuaded me to do something I’ve long pondered on doing. As a result of THIS post… (and a soft spot in my heart for pickles) I shall put into action my Plan for world Domination. My Evil Genius is unmatched (& yes… I already HAVE my Doctorate, unlike some other ‘wannabees’). So do your BEST today to rid the earth of Pickles… once my plan is complete, I will control the World, at that time I will hunt you down and lock you up to soak in a vat of vinegar and miscellaneous spices…(safe to say you’d be in a pickle?) so do what you can… WHILE YOU CAN!!! Your days are numbered…just remember… you provoked this… as I stated earlier… before this post I was merely ‘passive’ evil genius… but NO MORE! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! (though the idea about the sun block is intriguing… as my skin is rather delicate) ~Evil Genius E.D. & PETP member

  7. Thomas Wayne

    I don’t know where PETP gets these goofballs… now we hear from some wanna-be evil genius (who probably has one of those “non-accredited” degrees, if that much; since he’s evil, he might be lying about being a doctor). He wants to take over the world so he can lock me in a pickle vat. You’d think his ambitions would be set a little higher… If he actually had a plan for world domination, he would’ve explained it all in way too much detail (because his type do such things).

    Anyway, I’m not scared, and I stand by what was said earlier (by several people, I might add) : pickles are evil. It really is that simple. You’d think everyone would know this, because most everyone has been exposed to them, but I reckon this is just how it goes. You see this type of blind loyalty based on ignorance in other areas, too — like in politics. Some politicians are clearly evil, yet some people vote for them anyway. You have to wonder what’s going on in their heads… perhaps just blindly following their party. Perhaps their reasoning is like, “My dad ate pickles and my grandpa ate pickles, so they must be good.” Well, their time will come, and all the world will soon know that pickles are evil-incarnate. I only hope most people can see the light before it’s too late…

  8. dis-interested public defense attorney

    I was told by my local judge that I had to handle this since I was appointed the this case… so here I go… something about a disagreement about pickles? I honestly dont care one way or the other… (since the PETP apparently is too broke to hire a ‘real’ lawyer… ) anyway, after perusing the e-mail I was sent concerning this… my ‘official’ take on the matter is for everyone to “cease & desist” … there… now i’ve done my duty… un-officially & off the record… ya’ll can yammer about this as much as you want… I really dont care if you single handedly eat the words pickle supply or grind it into relish… now ya know… this is the dis-interested public-defense-attorney signing off…

  9. Thomas Wayne

    So let’s analyze what just happened here… the official “PETP representative” obviously couldn’t get the job done, so PETP recruited some local attorney who isn’t even a “real” lawyer. He made his “official” announcement, telling us to stop. But he said even more by what he didn’t say — there was no statement about us getting in trouble for our statements. So apparently PETP doesn’t even have the basis for a real case. It’s like your little brother saying “SHUT UP!” but you know he can’t do anything to you.

    And so one can obviously conclude that pickles are indeed evil.

  10. PETP representative

    we’ll obviously we need a new lawyer… the fact the remains (and I re-iterate & restate as I repeat myself) pickles are a ‘natural resource’ & deserves to be treated with respect… not with libel & slander. Say what you want… the Pickle and the ‘People for the Ethical Treatment of Pickles’ will pre-vail… if you feel differently… then stuff a pickle in it… HA!

  11. Important Environmentalist

    A ‘Natural Resource’? That’s your defense for the non-destruction of pickles? This is America, do you have any idea what we DO to natural resources? If pickles were a natural resource (and they aren’t) they would have been used up years ago, probably to… well, I don’t know what we would use pickles for, which proves they aren’t a natural resource.

  12. Thomas Wayne

    I have to agree with this Important Environmentalist dude — pickles are NOT a natural resource. In all my travels around the world, I’ve never walked upon pickles in the wild. (If I had, I would’ve blasted ’em with my shotgun!) Obviously these PETP folks are making stuff up to try and confuse innocent people. Well, we’ve got the facts here, based upon loads of empirical evidence, and it’s conclusive that pickles are evil.

  13. Crappo the Clown

    I will take the opportunity to mention that this is a good point in the conversation FOR ME TO POOP ON.

  14. Crappo the Clown

    Just to clarify, I was talking about the PETP part. I have to side with the majority here and say that pickles are definitely evil.

  15. PETP representative

    *********important bulletin**********
    People for the Ethical Treatment of Pickles has now changed it’s name to People for the Edible Treatment of Potatoes…

    Fries anyone?

  16. Thomas Wayne

    Victory! The people for pickles group has dissolved because they knew they couldn’t win their case. Perhaps they should now join their forces and start some people for the destruction of pickles group.

    So does this mean you are for or against potato salad? I should think against, because potato salad isn’t supposed to be edible. (It’s not even a food.) Plus, the evidence and corresponding argument is overwhelmingly conclusive that potato salad is an abomination and a blasphemy to potatoes.

  17. Howard Deano-Demoncrappic Party Chair

    As the chair of my party, I find it outrageous that you people are so intolerant of pickles and potato salad just because they’re evil. This is America where violence should never be perpetrated against a group just because that group happens to be evil. We should try to find out why they hate us so much and then make a concerted, non-partisan attempt to win their hearts and minds through outreach and diplomacy. Do we not all have a choice as to whether or not we are evil? We shouldn’t behave as intolerant potato salad and pickle bigots just because of lifestyle differences. Evil shouldn’t be destroyed, but embraced as part of a united stand against intolerance. Celebrate our diversity! YEEEAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!

  18. Important Evil Genius E.D (evil Doctor) Says:

    Hey! what’s with all the name change hoo-la-boo? (PETP SHOULD stand for ‘people for the ethical treatment of pickles’ NOT something about eating potatoes… though they ARE rather tasty) I did not agree to that!
    Be it known… I detest & can no longer stomach your hate speech and evil diabolical planning… I stand for peace! and NOT violence… therefore in the name of peace I will DESTROY you… I SHALL NOT REST (although I may take a nap or two) until I have dominion over the earth and see you basting in a vat of pickle-ly vinegar and have turned you into my zombie slaves… (With a shelf life of 3 to 4 months). I will not stand idly by while you mealy-mouthed spineless anti-pickle-mongers parlay about destroying the earths pickle supply! This is not the last you have heard from ME!
    You shall see!
    I will prevail!


    Mwa-ha-ha-ha… Mwa-ha-ha-ha… (Obligatory evil laugh)

  19. Mr. Destructo

    Let it be known henceforth that when I conquer the world, there will be no more pickles.

    FYI, there’s no need to concern yourself over this “Important Evil Genius” chap. He’s just a disgruntled former PETP staff-member posing as a somebody worth listening to.

    And while turning people into pickled zombies is somewhat original, it’s stupid. His plans reek of immaturity and ignorance.

    When my plan of world domination begins, everyone will stand in awe at the intergalactic destruction. There will be extreme amounts of bright colorful lights, ginormous explosions, and shiny spaceships. That’s all I can say at this point without giving away too much of the plot.

  20. Important Evil Genius E.D (evil Doctor) Says:

    Mr. Destructo… I can see by you post that you are NOT what you say you are… if you were really plotting to take over the work you would be more than happy to impart an in-depth dissertation on your plot for world domination (haven’t you had world domination 101 yet?)… go back and finish up your doctorate & come back when you have a REAL plan to reveal… in the mean time I’m perfecting my mind-control mass-zombie producing pickle machine from which there is no cure, protection or antidote… (Unless you have the foresight to wear a aluminum-foil brain-cap… but you didn’t hear that here)
    ~Evil Genius E.D (& PETP rep)
    ~Picklers for the Evil Treatment of People

  21. Important Evil Genius E.D (evil Doctor)

    AHA! Mr. Destructo is back in school and only a few know of my plan. I am currently in the process of systematically wiping out the worlds aluminum-foil supply… Once completed my plan cannot be ‘FOILED’!

            ~Evil Genius E.D

  22. Mr. Destructo

    To “evil Doctor”… Aluminum foil isn’t the only thing that will stop your plan. (Note that I avoided the dumb pun.) Your own stupidity will cause it to fail. You need something else for your head besides an aluminum-foil brain-cap — you need an EDUCATION.

    You may mock others for being in school and studying, but it’s only because deep down inside you realize your own inadequacies, and by putting others down, it makes you feel a little better.

  23. Important Evil Genius E.D (evil Doctor)

    “MR Destructo” (if indeed that’s your REAL name) while it’s true that I mock & ridicule others for being in school, and I rather enjoy putting others down… I … um… what’s your point? Come back & talk to me once you have something intelligent to say… (Perchance upon you completing the aforementioned doctorate?) I HAVE my credentials and education… Graduated FIRST in my class! WITH honors! (in large part because I annihilated the rest of my class) from the prestigious E.U. (Evil University). I suggest you retake “Every Plan MUST have a ridiculously easy method of impairment-101”

  24. Mr. Destructo

    How are you going to comment on someone’s REAL name when you call yourself “Important Evil Genius E.D (evil Doctor)”? Whatever… (Although, if that was your real name, that would be quite the prophetic statement by your parents!)

    If you actually had an education, you would know that the “requirement” for your plan to have a ridiculously easy method of impairment is so old-school. People want more action, drama, and suspense these days. You can’t just have a big red button that blows up your entire lair! (Plus that’s just stupid.) Of course you still must have an emergency shut off methodology, but it’s complicated. The “good guy” has to figure out a lot of clues and survive numerous death traps to succeed.

    Get with the times!

  25. Important Evil Genius E.D (evil Doctor)

    You crazy kids now a-days have no respect for time-honored traditions… you with your “fast food” and “e-mail” always trying to put the cart before the horse… Real Evil Genius takes time and patience… it’s NOT easy! <queue patriotic background music>  If it was easy EVERYONE would be out to conquer the world… Do you think it was EASY for me to go through life with a name like ‘Important Evil Genius’? Come on… be a sport! It’s those small finishing touches such as a ‘Big Red Self-Destruct Button’ that makes world domination a challenge… without this & other time-honored traditions such as revealing your entire plan to your nemesis just before you go off to leave him to some easily-escapable death where would the challenge be? Where would world domination be without things like the Obligatory evil laugh? If that’s the way it was, i’d want NO part of it… some things just SHOULDN’T be changed…

    I’m old school & proud!!! Mwa-ha-ha-ha… Mwa-ha-ha-ha…   <End patriotic background track>

  26. Mr. Destructo

    Some of your “time-honored traditions” are stupid. Just deal with it! My evil lair does not and will not ever have a “big red self-destruct button”. That’s just stupid. (However, I may have one labelled such that sets off a trap. MUWAHAHAHA!) I’ll still explain my plan to my nemesis, but it will be extremely difficult and life-threatening to stop. I will keep the obligatory evil laugh, because that’s just cool. (You have to have a good evil laugh! It just adds so much drama.)

    I realize being a great mad scientist takes time and patience. That’s why I’m studying topics like instantions, subspaces of n-dimensional Riemannian manifolds, the Fibonacci Sequence, eigenvectors, and zero-point fluctuations in quantum fields. Some people will forgo college and try half-baked plans (like yourself), while others (like me) take the time to devise the most ingenious plans ever, the likes of which the world has never seen!

    So back off, man! I’m a scientist…

  27. Important Evil Genius E.D

    Enough with your manifolds made from Riemann noodles & zero-point Flatulation!

    I hate to be the bearer of bad news… but without the (admittedly) cliché items mentioned above you will have very small hope of ever having a movie made about you.

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  29. Mr. Destructo

    My research for a pickle doomsday device is nearly complete. (To clarify, it will mean the instant death of all pickles, not using pickles for destroying the world.) I will use a permutated deconfribrulator attached to a low-orbit satellite to perform a scan for the biosignature of pickles. It will then use osmotic distillation with pin-point accuracy via laser to vaporize the pickles into space, where solar winds will blow the sub-particles away from the Earth forever (assuming the cosmological constant to be zero). Based on related empirical evidence, this may work. My research should start providing proof as early as next year.

  30. Mango-man

    uh… mr destructo… what would happen to a person if they had just eaten a pickle? would this ‘biosignature’ still be able to be read? & if so what then?

  31. Mr. Destructo

    Ahh, a real question… this is much better than the typical inane ramblings from that absent-minded evil genius / doctor fellow. Or, wait a minute — were you asking because you eat pickles?

    Either way, the answer is not yet determined. Would you like to volunteer for testing? Oh, what am I saying? I don’t care! If someone is eating pickles, then let them be destroyed, because obviously they’re evil. (Not that it’s bad to be evil, but I just can’t stand the competition.)

  32. Beppo

    I don’t even want to be in the same room as pickles. Even the smell of them repulses me. But sometimes it’s necessary to be near them in order to fulfill a greater purpose — like getting a cheeseburger at a restaurant. In a way, that’s like Christianity. I’d rather not be around filthy language and coarse jokes, but sometimes you have to tolerate such things for a greater purpose — being salt and light to the world.

  33. Christian Cucumbers' Fund Spokesman

    Every day, there are hundreds of thousands of cucumbers in remote parts of the world that will wake up unpickled. The things cucumbers here in our country take for granted are sometimes hard to come by in poverty stricken lands abroad. Many cucumbers die without ever being pickled. But now, there is hope.

    For just 50 cents a day, you can clothe a pickle, send him to school, and bring him from the cucumber patch into a big clear jar where he will be loved, cherished, and preserved. You will receive your cucumber’s address, picture and progress reports in the mail. You will be able to see the difference you’re making in the life of a cucumber. So call now. Operators are standing by. For less than the cost of a soda, you can make the difference between a cucumber’s preservation and his loss. Thanks for your support. Call toll-free 1-800-PICKLES today.

  34. Thomas Wayne

    Hmm… that’s random, alright. So it fits in here… EXCEPT for the fact that pickles are evil. (Perhaps you caught that theme if you read any of this post — even just the title.) I wouldn’t wish pickles on anybody, not even poverty-stricken folk. Give them rice and beans, or Ramen noodles. Maybe toss in a few boxes of macaroni & cheese, w/the necessary milk & butter. (Wouldn’t that be a treat?)

    So, Mr. Cucumbers’ Fund Spokesman, you’d best watch yourself here when supporting pickles, or you’ll end up with the same fate of the PETP spokesman, and you don’t want that.

    Thank you, drive thru…

  35. Thomas Wayne

    Perhaps you didn’t read the entire post. I’ll sum it up for you : pickles are evil. Studies show that prolonged exposure to pickles can convert people into zombies. And so it is in everyone’s best interest — yours included — that we destroy the world’s pickle supply.

  36. i am woman-hear me roar

    I’m sorry TW that you seem to have been traumatized by pickles as a child. Now while I’m not a “pickle proponent” I have been known to enjoy one every now and again. If you’d like, I’d be happy to give you the number for a good counselor to help you through your “pickle” HAHAHAHA.

  37. Thomas Wayne

    I wouldn’t say I’m traumatized by pickles… I just don’t cater to evil. Nor do I want to become a zombie.

    For far too long people have been ignorant of the depravity of pickles. It’s sickening that people willingly eat them! I suspect this deception is perpetrated by the far-left proponents of evil, such as “Howard Deano-Demoncrappic Party Chair”, who earlier said we should tolerate and accept evil pickles in the name of diversity. That’s a bunch of crap! This country is falling apart because people are calling evil things good. I think it’s a big conspiracy…

  38. Mango-Man

    If a person that hates pickles works as a cateror… and they have to serve pickles… could it then be said that they ‘cater to pickles?’ hmmm…

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