We’re going to start a story. It’s really simple and there’s just a few rules. Read through the post and the comments, then add whatever you want to the end. You may not write back-to-back (even with different aliases), but you may participate multiple times. No vulgarity or profanity. (The language rules of the site still apply.) End your part of the story with some type of cliff-hanger or unfinished sentence, to set up the next person’s part. And keep it short. (If you want to write a novel, get your own site.) If we have two people reply at about the same time and it ruins the continuity of it, we may delete the newer post. (If that happens, it’s nothing personal; it’s just a situation that might happen.) At a time of my discretion, I will end it. And, of course, remember to have fun with this. Be random and funny. Now, let us begin…
It was Friday evening, and Burford was sitting on his couch at home, trying to decide how to spend his weekend. It had been a long work week, and he didn’t want to do anything resembling work. He wanted to do something adventurous, something he’d never done before. As he contemplated various ideas, the phone rang. This surprised Burford, because he wasn’t expecting any calls. He picked up the phone and was shocked to hear the voice of…
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Thomas Wayne… He was ‘pimping his ride’ out… and had just completed adding racing stripes to his ‘dookey brown el-camino’ but needed Burfords help with adding a lowering kit. Thinking quickly Burford grabbed a white sheet of notebook paper and began crinkling it into the phone to make static noises… “sorry… cant hear you… must be problem with phone” then he hung up. Whew that was close! Burford wanted to do something FUN & not be stuck at Thomas Waynes place listening to how he ‘once’ talked to this really hot chick… (back when he was in the 3rd grade)… Burford sat on the couch, and that’s when it hit him… an adventurous yet DARING plan! He’d …
go on a Quest! Those were always really exciting. But where would he find…
Important Writer of Modern Non-Sacred Texts
….the money to pay for the gas it would take to go…….
Just then Thomas Wayne drove up and wanted to go on a road trip. Burford knew this would mean hearing old stories again and listening to ’80s “classics” like Falco, Poison, and Bon Jovi. But it would also mean he’d have transportation and not have to worry about gas expenses. And it was in a “pimped up” ride (if that can happen to an El Camino). So he jumped in. He told Thomas Wayne of his quest, and they started driving towards…
the Grand Canyon. Burgord remembered seeing an old episode of the Brady Bunch where the Brady clan took a vacation at the Grand Canyon and were faced with many perilous adventures including getting locked in a ghost town jail cell and riding donkeys into the canyon. Once there, Burford wanted to re-enact scenes from the above mentioned episode, with Thomas Wayne playing the part of Marcia Brady and Burford himself playing the part of the Donkey. When he proposed this….
Important Evil Genius E.D
Thomas Wayne gave him a strange look, skidded the car to a stop, and kicked him out. Thomas Wayned punched the gas and the car ‘almost’ spun out in the gravel as he took off. but suddenly the car sputtered and died. Burford stood there on the side of the road staring at Thomas Wayne as he sat in the car staring at Burford on the side of the road. The two suddenly begen to laugh hysterically as they realized that NEITHER of them had ‘worried about the gas expense’ and therefore had ran out of gas. So they began walking toward 1.5 miles to the next town. The town of DOOMSDAY…
As they approached the town of DOOMSDAY, lightning filled the sky and there was earth-shaking thunder. There appeared to be a volcano erupting in the distance. The town looked mostly deserted. Thomas Wayne and Burford exchanged concerned glances, then continued walking with a due sense of trepidation. At the first gas station they met an old man wearing a black lab coat, who said, “I am the Important Evil Genius E.D. Welcome to the town of DOOMSDAY, where you will meet your DOOM! MWA-HA-HA-HA!” Thomas Wayne could tell this man was full of crap. While Thomas Wayne explained their plight, Burford filled the gas can. Then Thomas Wayne and Burford proceeded to leave. The (self-proclaimed) Important Evil Genius E.D. told them they couldn’t leave, but they started walking off anyway. The Evil Genius tried to run after them, but he was old.
Upon reaching the car, Burford suggested they return to DOOMSDAY to see why it looked deserted and why some disgruntled old man threatened them. Thomas Wayne thought this was a bad idea, but Burford thought this might be part of his quest.
When they re-entered the town, they heard a loud noise, which was…
a heard of elephants running directly towards them. “Why are the elephants so scared!?!” exclaimed Thomas Wayne. At that exact moment, the elephants stopped dead in their tracks and looked at Tomas Wayne and Burford. The largest of the elephants hesitantly approached and stated ” we are afraid because of the evil , being that lurks inside the volcano. It is coming for us now, can’t you hear it?” Indeed the sound was getting louder and seemingly more violent. Burford quickly looked around, up and down, North and South, and suddenly took off towards the volcano. As he watched him run away, Thomas Wayne heard Burford yell…
“I AIN’T AFRAID OF NOTHIN’!” Thomas Wayne sat there in amazement, having never seen Burford do something so stupid. He drove in front of Burford, then slowed down so Burford tumbled into the back of the vehicle. TW slapped Burford to release him of his craziness, then explained, “If we are going to battle this evil person, we need to look for clues and get prepared.” Burford reluctantly agreed. They drove around town, looking for clues and supplies. TW wanted to find a flamethrower (just because he’s always wanted one), and Burford wanted to create a utility belt like Batman has. Suddenly TW stopped the car and they both dropped their jaw because surely they had found a big clue. It was…
without question the largest mouse they had ever seen. It looked to be about 20 ft tall, covered in steel-gray hair and, judging from the smoke pouring out of the pipe on the rodent’s back, steam powered. This was obviously…
….the brain-child of Important Evil Genius E.D., judging from the crudeness of the robotics and the outdated technology. They knew a REAL modern-day evil genius would at least power this monstrocity with cold fusion or some such process and the movements wouldn’t be so herky-jerky. So they approached the rodent with little fear, knowing they should go immediately for the drain plug to let out the water and shut down this steam-powered contraption. As they reached the mouse-o’-doom and Burford reached for the drain plug, the unexpected happened.
The giant robotic mouse started making lots of loud noises. Burford froze in fear, wondering if some death ray was about to shoot out. But all they heard was the sound of a belt breaking and some metal parts clanging against each other. Then the mouse stopped moving and all was quiet. Thomas Wayne and Burford stared at it for a minute, waiting to see if anything else would happen. Then they started laughing hysterically. “I told you that evil genius guy was full of crap! His mouse-o’-doom couldn’t even injure a couple of unarmed men!”, exclaimed Thomas Wayne.
Burford and TW continued looking around town for weapons. They wondered if they’d even need any, but they wanted some to play with regardless. They saw a blacksmith shop, and it sounded like somebody was working inside. They opened the door and found…
dust – the shop was covered in it. Half-finished iron creations lurked in the shadows of the large room. A sense of forboding hangs heavily in the still air, the silence broken only by the rythmic clang of metal on metal. Our heros proceed into the dark interior of the building, Buford calling out a hesitant ‘Hello?’ that echos back listlessly a moment later. The far back of the room is lit by dim red glow, and the noise seems to come from that direction…
The Aging Important genious E.D. watched with great trepidation via closed circuit video as the logic-impaired duo stood looking at the strange ‘big red button’ Labeled EGB … known to the Evil Doctor as the ‘earth go boom’ button… He knew he should have been more careful than to place it someplace so obvious… He also wished that he’d have completed his ‘Earth Escape Craft’ before making that button active.
Driven by their own boundless stupidity Thomas Wayne & Burford took turns mashing the button… unknowingly starting and stopping the countdown that would lead to a re-action that would cause the implosion of the earths core (triggered ironically enough with chemical derivative made from pickles and some gases salvaged from a can of ready-whip) thankfully Thomas Wayne & Burford bored quickly with their game of button-pressing leaving the button toggled in the off position. They then proceeded to follow the wires leading from the button toward the volcano where unknown to them lay the ECIPDD (Earth Core Imploding Pickle Derivative Device)
TW and Burford hopped in the El Camino and drove towards the volcano, to see what “evil” was lurking inside the volcano. TW figured it was the old man / important evil genius / stupidhead that they had met earlier at the gas station. They wondered why anyone would leave wires along the ground for such a long distance, but after seeing the poor build quality of the steam-powered mouse, they weren’t surprised.
While driving towards the volcano, TW was swerving around the wires, trying to spin out and stir up dust. This inadvertently snapped the wires, and a few seconds later they heard what sounded like an explosion from inside the volcano, then some smoke billowed out from a cave near the base of the mountain. They quickly drove up there, ran inside, and saw what looked like an evil scientist’s lair — except that it was destroyed. All that remained were a few flashing lights on a console, a few beakers of bubbling green liquid, and some giant vat of a brown liquidious substance. They heard a lot of coughing down the hall, so they ran to see who was there. It was the disgruntled old man from the gas station. He had been in the bathroom and thus survived the explosion. They asked him what was going on, and he said…
“Who tipped you off? How did you ever trace me to here?”
TW and Burford looked at each other, shrugged, and tried to keep from laughing as Burford said, “We followed your wires, you old has-been. Looks like the only thing you were able to destroy was your lab!”
The old man, showing his age, now more than ever, looked up at our heroes, stunned and perplexed and asked, “What wires? It appears that someone has set me up. Who could pull off such a momentous task?”
Important Evil Genius E.D
He continued musing aloud “How could this have happened?”… suddenly the old man began laugh eerily as he flipped a hidden switch on the wall. Before TW or Burford could react a cage feel from the ceiling entrapping them. “you fools” cackled the scientist… you played right into my hands. He then began to remove his disguise. The decrepit old man act even the ‘steam powered’ mouse had all been a ruse. He was only half as old as they had originally thought (though still old nonetheless…) TW & Burford tried frantically to escape as the Evil Doctor relayed his plan to them. Sadly neither understood most of the words used by the eloquent speaker. All they knew is that the wires that lead them there had been a trap, and the Doctor had feigned an explosion to draw them inside. The Evil Genius then flipped another switch opening a trap-door in the floor sending TW & Burford down into the dungeon… a foul odor permeated the room… they were not alone… In the corner of the cell lay Mr. Destructo… they recognized him from several lame B-movie cameos he had made while attempting world domination… worse yet… he had soiled himself… thus the smell… The pair walked over and…
Suddenly the old man jumped, as he awoke from his daydream. He was always lapsing into daydreams of his plans actually working.
Just then, Igor, his assistant came out from behind a big mainframe computer. Igor exclaimed, “It was I who put the wires leading into your lab! For years, you have treated me as a slave, all in the name of your silly traditions. You were always calling me Igor when my name is Steve. It’s Steve, do you hear me? And you still pay me just $10/week, saying it’s “tradition”, and I always have to wear the same ugly uniform every single day. Y’know, that gets REALLY old! And you’ve talked of world domination for some 50-11 years, and we’re still living in a volcano that’s about to erupt and destroy us. If that’s your idea of world domination, I quit!”
TW and Burford could not contain their laughter. The Evil Genius had been foiled due to his own archaic schemes. Even his own workers couldn’t tolerate his continued incompetence.
Just as Burford started to call the cops on his cell phone, they heard a loud, deep rumble, and a dark shadow enveloped the area around them and the ground began to shake. Everybody became fearful and…
Important Evil Genius E.D
The Evil Genuis began laugh eerily as he flipped a hidden switch on the wall. Before TW or Burford could react a cage feel from the ceiling entrapping them. “you fools” cackled the scientist… you played right into my hands. He then began to remove his disguise. The decrepit old man act even the ’steam powered’ mouse had all been a ruse. He was only half as old as they had originally thought (though still old nonetheless…) TW & Burford tried frantically to escape as the Evil Doctor relayed his plan to them. Sadly neither understood most of the words used by the eloquent speaker. All they knew is that the wires that lead them there had been a trap, and the Doctor had feigned an explosion to draw them inside. The Evil Genius then flipped another switch opening a trap-door in the floor sending TW & Burford down into the dungeon… a foul odor permeated the room… they were not alone… In the corner of the cell lay Mr. Destructo… they recognized him from several lame B-movie cameos he had made while attempting world domination… worse yet… he had soiled himself… thus the smell… The pair walked over and… kicked Mr Destructo… he began to cry as…
…he realized the sad story his life had become. All his life, he had dreamed of becoming a gourmet French chef, but then, from out of nowhere, he began obsessing over world domination. It started small at first–just a threatening word here and there. An “I’ll destroy the world someday” here and a “Mankind will meet his doom at my hand” there seemed harmless enough. But before he knew it, he had squandered all he had trying to build the latest doomsday device (using parts purchased from the Ace Hardware store in Doomsday, Arizona, incidentally). He soon realized that he was not cut out for world domination, but out of pride, he continued to talk the smack with no brains or willpower to back it up. Now, he was being kicked by two rednecks who after kicking him, began passing gas in his general direction. Then he had an idea that might help them escape and allow him to pursue a career as a chef’s apprentice at Bon Apetite, a little French eatery in Doomsday. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a lighter and………
lit it… the resulting explosion (igniting the aforementioned ‘gas’) blew the back wall out of the dungeon… Mr. Destructo bolted through the opening and disappeared from view in the distance. Thomas Wayne & Burford Decided this wasn’t the adventure they had envisioned and raced back to where they had the parked the car… left town in a hurry seeking there ‘next’ great adventure… what would it be?
After a few minutes, Thomas Wayne said, “We aren’t going to be run out of town by some old man pretending to be an important evil genius! I’m smarter than your average bear!” And he turned the car around. On the drive back to Doomsday, they developed a plan.
Mr. Destructo returned to his lab, determined to clear his name from all these lies that are being told of him. He is about to graduate from the mad scientist academy with a doctorate, and he cares nothing about cooking food for other people. Plus, he knows a secret on the Important Evil Genius E.D, that where he was wasn’t even his own lab. While Dr. Dynomite was giving a tour of his facilities to Mr. Destructo, the Evil Genius E.D snuck in and pretended to run the place. His own “lab” (if you can even call it that) is in the back of a gas station / convenience store, where he works during the day so he can afford science kits and pretend to be a world-renown evil mad scientist. And in his old days, he is getting delusional and thinking some of his daydreams are real. He is somewhat dangerous, though mostly to himself.
As Thomas Wayne & Burford were arriving back at the volcano, they went over their plan one more time…
Important Evil Genius E.D
Yes, it was true… the volcano lair was not the Important Evil Genius’ current Lab… it was his ‘old’ lab, and he was now leasing it to a young ‘upstart’ that called himself Dr. Dynomite. So until construction on his secret lab on the backside of the moon was completed he was making do working out of the back of his shop. He had long ago come to the conclusion that it would not be wise to dominate/destroy the earth while actually living there.
Burford & thomas wayne arrived back at the volcano… the ominous shape towering above them had an insidious look about it. The plan was simple… stampede a herd of mountain goats into the the lair… this would take Dynomite Dr Dude by surprise. In addition to that Thomas Wayne and burford would gain entrance to the lab by hanging from the underneath of the largest goats. Similiar to how Odysseus escaped from the Cyclops cave in the ‘Odessey’ … but in reverse, considering that they were breaking in… & not out…
Burford and TW found a rather large she-goat that was large enough for both of them to hang from underneath and laid on their backs underneath, grabbed a hand-full of the mountain goat and pulled themselves up. As soon as they did, they realized that they were not hanging on to a real good spot as the goat’s milk sprayed them right between their eyes, startling them into releasing their holds on the goat and falling to the ground. No wonder the goat was so large–it was pregnant!
But there was something strange about this milk, not only was it tinged purple, but it burned like acid. It was obvious that this mountain goat’s milk was radioactive as a result of it eating enriched uranium (goats’ll eat anything, you know). But where did it come from?
Then it hit them! Burford and TW wiped burning milk from their eyes, rolled over and looked at each other, both exclaiming simultaneously, “That’s not really a volcano, is it?!
Thomas Wayne realized it was a nuclear-powered rocket launcher site, hidden inside a mountain. The steam produced by the nuclear fission was colored grey to look similar to the ash produced by a volcano. TW was shocked by the genius of this plan and figured it could not have been devised by that old man who claimed to be an important evil genius.
Burford and TW knew the old man was up to no good, taking over the facilities of Dr. Dynomite (who was probably up to no good also). So they decided to try to stop whatever plan this was, before it was too late. They snuck inside and decided to first try to…
….find the bathroom, as Burford had a rumbly in his tumbly.
TW said, “Burford, that’s what you get for trying that new-fangled bacon & cheese diet! Hurry up, we’ve got stuff to do!”
Burford found the 2nd floor lavatory, then did the necessary. He left the toilet filled to the brim and clogged in a bad way. This did not faze our hero, as he figured the evil scientist has custom-clad minions to do the dirty work.
Gasping for fresh air, Burford ran out of the lavatory. He then met up with TW, who was throwing equipment into the lava to watch it melt and/or explode. Burford exclaimed…
“Cannon-ball” and began running like an idiot toward the lava… thankfully Burford is really outta shape and had to stop & catch his breath before reaching the lava, at which point TW was able to explain the concept of molten lava to him.
So Burford was content to amuse himself instead by passing gas near the lava producing butt-flame. He’d then giggle like a girl and yell… “fire… I have created fire!” This game was cut short abruptly when Burford managed to ignite the hair on his butt singeing it badly.
The daring duo then proceeded to explore the lair. they weren’t too worried about the old-man since they had spied him leaving earlier mumbling something about going to a ‘moon-base’ at which point he began chanting what sounded like ‘all your moon-base belong to us’. Instead they were intent on finding Dr. Dynomite and what he was up to…
TW and Burford found some blueprints to destroy the earth with a giant laser, signed by Important Evil Genius. Burford wadded them up and stuffed them in his pocket, figuring he just saved the day since the old man would probably forget his plan without his blueprints. But then they found another blueprint of a base on the backside of the moon, and it had a red stamp on it that said “COMPLETE!” They looked at each other with great trepidation, wondering what they should do. The police probably wouldn’t believe them, and there might not be enough time to find someone with enough resources to stop this before it was too late.
Burford then smiled sheepishly at TW and said, “This is my quest! I can see it all so clearly now! We must stop this plan!” TW stared at Burford like he just fell off the turnip truck, then said, “Are you crazy?!? Who are we to stop such a nefarious plan? This is dangerous stuff!” Burford remembered the words of Yoda : “Do! Or do not. There is no try.” Explaining this to TW, he said, “I must do this, with or without your help. It may seem overwhelming, I know — I almost soiled my drawers when I saw it — but we have to do something. Besides, this is the plan of some crazy old man, whose giant steam-powered mouse broke down on its own. We can surely stop him!” This made sense to TW, so he agreed to help Burford save the world.
They began searching for the entrance to the rocket, so they could sneak aboard and go to the moon base. (They figured even if their heroic attempt failed, at least they’d still be alive.) But first they came across a …
mysterious room… the walls were drapped in crushed red velvet… the pair found a stack of dvds in the corner… “what is this place? Burford exclaimed “Look… it’s all the seasons disc’s of Beavis and Butthead… “. “Seems to be some kind of media room”, replied TW… Not really having a clue as to what they should do next the two popped in the disc for Season1 into the dvd player… time quickly passed as they watched one episode after the other. But suddenly in the distance a dull roar interupted their revelry… “oh no… the rocket!!! it’s blasted off… How are we going to get to the moon now?” The pair ran frantically from the room (pausing only long enough to take the last few unwatched discs with them) They had to act fast!
They ran toward the sound, and fortunately it was just the rocket boosters firing up for the first time. They still had a minute to get on-board the ship. They sneaked up a ladder to what looked like the main entrance, and Burford picked the lock with his pocket-knife.
Once inside, they hid in the back of the ship. They planned to wait until they got to the moon base before trying anything heroic. They found a room with a TV and DVD player where they could watch more of the DVDs they borrowed. They got caught up in the stupidity of Beavis and Butthead (uhh, huh huh huh), and a few hours passed quickly. They were unaware of the time until they were startled by the sound of …
…debris striking their ship and floating past the port-hole type window in the TV room. What interstellar litter-bug would throw out jars of pickles into outer space? A Vlasic pickle jar struck the window which was thankfully made from safety glass that was several inches thick (which was surprisingly well thought out since the old man was responsible for the ship’s construction). Just as our dynamic duo got up to look out the window to watch for more space garbage, SPLAT!!! A tub of potato salad impacted the glass and obstructed the view into space. And in spite of the ship’s pressurized air-tightness, the putrid smell of mustard potato salad filled the room, causing Burford and TW to flee the TV room, heaving violently. They even left behind their newly ripped-off DVD’s, the smell was so horrid. When they got out into the ship’s main cargo bay and away from the smell, they couldn’t believe what they saw.
A small crew of robots were navigating the ship. Apparently the Evil Genius was somewhere taking a nap or something. Burford and TW couldn’t help but notice a large screen on one wall of the room. It was a live video feed of the Earth shrinking into the distance. Near the screen was a large red-button. Burford, always the aspiring hero, proclaimed… “this must be the ‘self-destuct’ button that the Evil dude installed… like they have in the movies. if we push this & go hop into a space pod we can go home as heroes!” So in unison they pressed the button and prepared for their escape. Red lights came on… buzzers sounded… and a dull roar could be heard as the earth exploded from view on the screen. TW & Burford stood looking at each other in horror… did what they think had happened… just happened? yes… it had…
….potato salad had covered the Earth-monitor camera lens, obstructing the view of earth, but making the air smell putrid inside all of the ship. An escape pod was the only answer to get away from this misery. But wait a minute, where did all of the escape pods go? They were there a minute ago, but were now conspicuously absent from their launching bays. A quick glance at the big red button was quite revealing. It read in small white letters: “Jetisson All Escape Pods Now”. This put quite a kink in their escape plan as quite a terrible smell grew stronger by the second. Oh, and there was the not-so-small issue of saving the planet from total annihilation at the hands of a grumpy old has-been. They needed a plan, and FAST!!!
As the duo tried to think of a plan, a metallic voice from overhead announced ‘Leak detected in Cargo Bay 3, launch repair-bots’. This was accompanied by flashing orange lights and an alarm. As Buford stared, entranced, at the lights, TW watched the robot crew as they attached new arms to themselves, then hovered near the ceiling. He realized what was happening as the ceiling started opening, exposing the starry blackness outside. With a howl of wind, the atmosphere began rushing through the gap…
Thomas Wayne and Burford quickly scurried back into the hallway, slamming the door shut before suffocation overtook them. The cargo bay doors were still open, however, and the robots were flushed into space, never to be seen again. Most of the ship’s supplies were also lost to the void of space.
The Important Evil Genius had been storing vats of potato salad for his diabolical plan, and Igor continued his mutiny against the old man by tossing barrels of potato salad overboard, trying to rid the ship of the horrible stench of it. Now the ship was covered in potato salad. The old man finally heard the emergency sirens and looked at the closed-circuit monitors to see what was going on. He banged his head on the keyboard after seeing the loss of his robots and supplies. He yelled in frustration, “Why can’t any of my plans work without flaw?”
Just then the metallic voice returned and said, “Ship out of control… crash imminent.” Leaving the cargo bay doors open had caused the ship to spiral out of control. Everyone looked out the window and saw the moon getting closer at an alarming rate. They knew there would be a horrendous crash within a few seconds…
Thomas Wayne and burford watched with mixed emotions of shock and awe as the evil old genius quickly donned his trusty rocket-pack equipped spacesuit and flew from view via an emergency hatch.
Burford & TW knew their fate had been sealed… they braced themselves for impact as they tumbled towared the moons surface and waited for the inevitable explosion…
they waited… & waited…
no explosion… no impact? what had happened? about that time the debris that had blocked the earths view early fell away… and there was the Evil Genius with a cable tethering the spaceship to his rocket-pack (thankfully gravity wasn’t a factor) and they watched in wonder as he completed lowering the ship to the surface of the moon.
Moment later the evil dude returned to the ship… Whereas TW & Burford thanked him repeatedly for saving their lives… upon which the evil genius stated “I didn’t save you.. .I saved my ship and whats left of my supplies!!!” He continued.. “i’m going to my moonbase now… you two can find your own way home… & dont come whining to me for help”.. he then strode from view…
Then TW and Burford looked at each other and busted out laughing. The tension of the near-crash, the total ineptness of this “doomsday dr.”, and the realization of the fact that they had a chance to not only return to Earth, but be greeted with a heroes’ welcome just overcame them to the point that they stood laughing, even breaking into Beavis and Butthead laughs here and there, for five minutes straight.
After regaining their composure, they both knew what had to be done to save the day and they went right to work. First, they found a couple space suits, put them on, and from a distance followed the old geezer to his hyped-up moonbase. Then Burford made a near fatal error by passing gas inside his suit. He had to hold his breath for nearly a minute before the air filtration system in the suit made the air breathable again.
Later on, as they were enjoying the near-weightlessness of the moon, doing flips in the air, and stuff, they saw the old man in the distance and almost wet their space suits laughing this time. In spite of the near-weightlessness, the old man was walking on the surface of the moon with a cane. This decrepit old fart was the most pathetic excuse for a doomsday wannabe they had ever seen.
As they neared the base, they were expecting something spectacular the way Dr. “Do-little” went on and on about it. But that wasn’t exactly the case….
it was an inflatible moon-base rising from the surface of the moon… quite original actually…
…and also quite pink. “It looks like Barbie’s magicial moon-base playset!”, says Buford, laughing so hard he fogs up his visor. TW makes a moon-leap upwards to see more of the inflatable pink monstrosity, and rises some 20 feet off the ground. From this height, he sees that the pink base is sitting on the rim of a large crater, and inside the crater is a collection of much larger, and much less pink buildings…
TW then remembers that they never did get any cool weapons to use, but Burford encourages him, saying, “What weapons do we need? There’s an old man that we could beat with our bare hands, and the moon base is inflatable. I have a knife that will take care of that pink building.”
Our heroes advance toward the base, following the old man. Once inside, they took a different path. In the first room to the right, they noticed a bunch of shovels hanging on the wall, along with some dynamite. TW put a stick of dynamite in his pocket for later use, just in case. They wondered what the old man might be up to.
While leaving the room, TW accidentally knocked a shovel off the wall, and it hit Burford on the head and knocked him unconscious. Just then he heard someone down the hall say, “What was that noise? We better check it out!” TW knew he had to think quick. The first thing he did was…
duct-tape Burford to the ceiling so he would not be found while unconcious… TW took the stick of dynomite from his pocket and…
…thought about lighting it, but decided it was probably not in his best interests to use it in such a small room. So he put it back in his pocket, then hid behind a row of file cabinets.
Three guards walked into the room, but did not see either TW or Burford. Obviously these men were minions of the old man, for they were all dressed in the same uniform, which had a retro-style motif featuring orange and brown stripes.
When the guards left the room, TW came out and sighed in relief. He then proceeded to sneak down the hallway to find the old man’s control panel, to blow it up. But to his dismay, the guards were still in the hallway and they captured him. They tied his hands behind his back and led him to the old man, who said…
…you’re killing me here. Every single time I turn around, I see these guys. Where’s the other one?
About that time, around the corner came Burford with duct tape fragments still all over him. He was carrying over his head a very large, very heavy file cabinet, which he carried with great ease due to the moon’s lack of gravity. When the three guards turned around, they got a big mouth full of flying 4-drawer filing cabinet. As they fell to the ground, Burford grabbed TW by the hand, spun him around and grabbed the fuse of the dynamite that was hanging from his pocket. As quickly as he could, he pulled 3 or 4 small pieces of duct tape from his clothing, stuck it to the dynamite, lit the fuse, stuck it to the control panel in front of the old geezer (so it wouldn’t float away, don’t ya know), and ran out with great haste, dragging TW with all his might and hoping they would have time to esape the impending blast. Any second now there would be an explosion. Any time now. It’s coming, wait for it………..
[thump] They barely heard the explosion, then they heard the evil laugh of the old man. Apparently this was some low-powered dynamite. So they ran back to the first room they found and loaded their pockets with more dynamite. By this time, the crazy old man had called more of his henchmen to capture the heroes. TW and Burford ran outside, around the building, then back inside through a back door, which they quickly locked, thus eluding the henchmen.
They ran back to where they initially planted the dynamite, and they ran into the old man again, who said…
….,”Would you two stop following me? If I didn’t know any better, I would think you two were stalking me.”
At that Burford spoke up and said, “When this weekend quest first started, I knew that there was a purpose and a destiny to fulfill. Until now, I didn’t know exactly what it was, but now, I can see clearly that we have to…..
stop you from blowing up the earth!
“what?” cried out the Evil Doctor, “I’m not planning to blow up the earth you numbskull!” “I built this lab on the moon to get away from all the morons on earth. Just because my name is ‘Evil Doctor’ everyone seems to think I have nefarious plans! and they are always poking their noses into my business. So I’m moving up here to get away from all that. Besides… the low gravity here really helps alleviate my joint pain. Besides this way I can continue my research on how convert wasted potato salad into an edible substance”
about that time the moon base rocked violently and a dull roar could be heard. “what on the ‘moon’ was that!? asked the old man.
TW spoke up… “um… that would be our fault… while we were outside running from your henchmen…err… employees… we planted all the dynamite around the perimeter of the base & lit the fuse… I guess they burned a bit faster than we figured.”
The old man checked the monitors… & sure enough instead of the moon base actually being destroyed, the entire thing had been catapulted into space and was slowly drifting toward the surface of the earth, like a giant inflatable ‘bouncing’ game of the type enjoyed by kids ages 4 – 8 years old.
The old man pushed a few buttons to fire the retro-rockets, which pushed the base back to the moon. He said, “You two have interfered with my plans for the last time… I’m sending you back to Earth post-haste!” He started toward TW and Burford, but they weren’t ready to go back, so they ran away. The old man couldn’t keep up with them, because he is old.
TW asked, “Why are we running? He said he wasn’t up to no good.” Burford explained, “Don’t you see? He’s lying to us… obviously. My quest is not to watch some guy play with recycled potato salad — there is more to it. Now we must look for clues to see what he’s really up to.” They searched the other buildings around the compound. Along the way, they picked up some more dynamite, just in case they might need it (and because explosions are so cool).
In one of the less-pink buildings, they found a giant contraption that looked like a laser. They looked at the controls, but they consisted mostly of flashing lights with no labels (just like in the old movies). Then TW found a big red button labeled “E.D.” He reckoned this must mean “Earth Destroyer”, so obviously the old man had really planned to destroy the Earth.
Our heroes put dynamite around the laser and on the control panel, then lit it and hid down the hallway. There were a few small explosions, then they looked inside. The laser was not destroyed, but was now pointing downward instead of up. And apparently the dynamite on the console activated the laser, for it started glowing red and making some whirring and popping noises. “This is probably not a good thing,” said TW. The old man came up, and upon seeing what was happening, said, “You fools! Your incompetence will be the destruction of us all!” They all quickly looked at the controls, but seeing that the console was destroyed, they ran for their lives.
The alarm sounded, and everyone headed toward the spaceship, including the henchmen. When everyone had piled in, the old man launched them into orbit around the moon, just to be safe, until they saw what would happen with the laser running out of control. Clouds of dust and rocks were flying up from the crater where the base was, and it seemed like the buildings were getting further away, but it was hard to tell because of all the dust. After a few hours, the dust settled, and what they saw left them speechless — there was now a giant hole all the way through the moon! They could see stars on the other side. TW said, “This is probably not a good thing. If anyone asks what happened, it’s all the old man’s fault.”
From the Earth, people began to notice that the moon now looked like a donut. NASA immediately launched a probe to see what caused this lunar destruction.
On the spaceship, the old man was completely flustered and filled with great trepidation. When he was able to gain enough composure for speaking, he said …
“Now look what you did, you stupid beppos! Do you realize all the damage you just caused?! What were you thinkin’?!”
To that, Burford replied, “Yeah, we just saved the earth you old goat. I know that potato salad is a horrible waste of spuds, but there is no way that a laser that powerful is necessary to make it edible. That was just a second or two of firing it and look what it did to the moon. Just imagine what a minute or three of steady firing would do to the earth, you maniac!”
TW chimed in, “Yeah, you crazy old geezer, we may have thrown off the tidal cycles for ages to come, but there would have been no ocean tides at all or a planet Earth if left up to you. The whole noble cause of making potato salad edible was just a ploy. It’s obvious what your real intentions were!”
TW and Burford looked at each other, then the old man, and grabbed him. In the ensuing scuffle, the dynamic duo realized that this old man was quite strong for his age, despite his arthritis. When they finally got him under control, Burford had gotten him in the head-lock.
Then something totally unexpected happened. Burford started noticing that this guy’s head felt rubbery like a latex glove and as the old man struggled to free himself from Burford’s hold, the mask came off. It was Dr. Phil! What in the world?!
“Surprise!!!” Dr. Phil exclaimed… “You are on the Oprah Show. We’ve been secretly filming you ever since you ran out of gas the other day. Everything that has happened to you has been a setup. Everything from the town of Doomsday up until now. In fact we aren’t even on the moon! I’ve been dressed up this whole-time as Dr. Evil. Apparently he was too busy buliding a REAL moon base or something to help us out. This has been a secret experiment to see what happens if 2 ordinary guys were faced with a dilemma such as the possible destruction of earth? Would they wimp out or step-up & be heroes? What do you 2 have to say? Hasn’t this been exciting? Share with our thousands of viewers how you REALLY feel.
TW & Burford gave each other a knowing look & proceeded to beat the crap out of Dr. Phil…
Ironically it was Oprahs highest rated episode to date.
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