We’ve received another e-mail from Thomas Wayne, who has a question for all the “important” experts that visit this site. Here’s his letter :
There’s a guy who comes to our gaming nights who tries to act all cool and manly, but one time his laptop’s wallpaper was a picture of flowers. Naturally we asked him what was up with that, and he fumbled around with some excuse that some program he has automatically updates his wallpaper, then he promptly changed it. So we just laughed a little while and then let it be. Well, in a week or two we met again for gaming, and that time he had a different picture of flowers on his wallpaper. Again he blamed the program, but I don’t know what to think. What’s up with this? Should we be concerned?
~ Thomas Wayne
If anyone has advice or insight into this situation, feel free to speak up.
Buffet o' Blog 
Important Psychiatrist
Ordinarily, flowers on a desktop wallpaper would not be a cause for concern. However, as this is a guy’s wallpaper, and there is no mention of these flowers being particularly manly (ie being on fire, a sculpture made from rusty metal, or drenched in the blood of your enemies), then we must assume that these are sissy flowers, which is a serious problem. It seems like your friend is in the first stage of Wussitis, denial. Watch for the onset of the second stage, which characterized by signs such as: caring about your feelings, thinking pickles are actually food, and a tendency to flow into the Mediterranean. A patient at the second stage can still be saved, but will suffer a permanent loss of about 25% coolness. At stage 3 however, no recovery is possible. This stage is characterized by watching Oprah on purpose, buying a car with wood paneling on the outside, and decreased interest in most of the following: fire, guns, cars, new tools, steak, things that are awesome, and fart jokes.
Thomas Wayne
Wow, that sounds serious! So now that we’ve diagnosed the problem, what should be done to help him? He’s defended pickles recently, so he might be entering the second stage. Somebody help!
Oh, and the flowers he had were definitely not manly. Hence the problem…
not a psychiatrist, but did stay at a Holiday Inn Express
Your friend should eat at least two large cans of beans, then go sit in a small closet, with only a candle and a lighter. He should stay in there until he remembers how great it is to be a man.
Ramblin' Stew
This guy is married. That’s all.
Chick Magnet
If he’s not married, he’s either “in the closet” or trying to pick up chicks by trying to make them think he’s all sensitive or something. Next thing you know, he’ll have pictures of flowers with puppies and/or kittens and a pink theme applied to his Windows XP. He must undergo immediate expulsion to the “gas chamber” as mentioned above or get some lip from some fly honey to immediately restore him to some level of manhood.
Bubba
I say this feller has a serious problem. Take him paintballin’ and pound the crap out of him. When he goes all sissy and says, “Ya’ll quit pickin on me,” poundm one more time. Then take him to a good restaurant like the Waffle House and feed him steak with bacon grease, no sissy salad. Lastly put a gun (like a 10 guage) in his hands and find some innocent little bambi and blow her frickin brains out. Make him drink the blood, and if that don’t work; he is too far gone. Just go on ahead and send him home to arrange his panty drawer.
Important Pro Wrestler
First, this pansy-man needs to BREAK a CHAIR over his HEAD!!
*flexes muscles*
Then, he needs to use a lot a steriods, and FLEX CONSTANTLY!
*pauses to flex*
Now, he needs to go eat at an all-you-can-eat buffet, and DESTROY IT!!!!
*flexes*
Kri'
If this only happened one time, we could simply laugh this off and not think it TOO much a major concern. However, as this happened in back-to-back weeks, there is intervention needed. Any of the above solutions would work (don’t know about drinking Bambi’s blood though… that’s a little extreme).
My suggestion would be to take him to a Razorback game and try to get as close to the 50-yard line as possible. Force him to paint an “H” on his belly and bring three other guys to spell out “O” “G” “S” on their bellies. This will re-create that male bond that he has obviously let lapse with the sissy flowers.
This must be done as soon as possible before it’s too late…
old hippie
Maybe he’s into flower power, man… achieve peace without fighting, protest wars, don’t work, live off other people, be morally indifferent… maybe he’s becoming one of those Democrats…
Folks don’t wear flowers in their hair as much anymore, but it was groovy, man… back then it was nifty to be a pansy…
Also, he could live in a van, down by the river…
mangoman
I did some research* on this matter & found that this guys wife uses his laptop… which would explain the sissy flowers… I rather doubt he had anything to do with this matter.
I also recall seeing one background on this guys computer of nothing but explosions & guns… so it can’t be all bad.
sounds to me like he’s found a good balance between that of extreme manliness & that making his wife think he’s sensitive & stuff… clever fellow.
* I did no research
Sigmund Fraud
There is no such thing as “extreme manliness” for a guy who has flowers on his computer screen. Guns and explosions are cool and quite manly, but one solitary flower off-sets their legitimacy. It is obvious to me that this fellow has an inner struggle over gender identity.
Chick Magnet
The only 2 ways to be manly and deal with flowers at the same time are:
1) Obviously, buying flowers for some chick is manly because it is an overt way of letting a gal know you’re interested in her on some level.
2) Operating your own landscaping business, while requiring you to be “up close and personal” with flowers, still allows you to get to spread manure all around them after loading it into a large truck with a big front-end-loader type tractor. The manure and heavy machinery in such close proximity to the flowers more than makes up for any sissiness involved.
TimeKeeper
Being the manliest man that I am, I’m finding this topic a little disturbing…flowers on a desktop!! What red blooded American man would do such a thing!? “Flowers are for girls!” We give them because it makes them all mushy inside. We use them to gain brownie points. When buying a new pc for your wife or girl…YES! Use the flower background, killing two birds!! But, never, ever, on your own pc!
WOW! The color changes of the trees sure have been beautiful to look at…*clearing throat* … im mean…I’ve noticed while looking for my deer stand of course!!
Thomas Wayne
Maybe we’re being too hard on this guy… I mean, he’s apparently a wuss, so he’s probably all sensitive and stuff. And now it’s fall outside, so there’s not too many flowers anymore, and he’s probably depressed about it…
Just kidding! We need to push this guy to quit making excuses and to return to being a man… Let’s hope we can rescue him before it’s too late!
Famous Artist
Actually, throughout history, especially in 15th century Renaissance art, flowers were used to symbolize fertility. So maybe he’s not such a sissy man after all…I’m just saying…
Nah, never mind, he’s a complete pansy, somebody put a dress on him and call him Mary.
Famous Psychologist from a Far Away Land
From a psychoanalytic viewpoint, the flowers suggest some deep seeded “mother issues” that will require many, many hours of very, very expensive therapy. I would hazard to guess that he was from a large family, was a middle child, and does not feel he received the love and attention from his mother that he deserved. To compensate for the lost love as a child, he’s now reaching out to his mother thru these very, very sissy, but pointless, gestures to re-connect to her. But again that would take many, many hours of very, very expensive therapy to confirm.
Don’t get me started on him blaming his wife for the flowers. I could retire off this poor fellow, whoever he may be.
But a much easier and cheaper solution would be to do as the Famous Artist suggests and “put a dress on him and call him Mary.”
The Wussy guys college roommate
Reflecting on this topic it reminds of early signs of this person’s wussiness that I noticed in college. Every night this guy would want to go to bed at like…. 10pm. Hello! this is college… your 20 years old…. How could I have not noticed you would be heading towards this level of wussisness….. Why, Why did I not try to stop it…. WHY!!!
Been Married for 10 years
Obviously the persons making comments on this page have not been married long enough to know the power that is found in flowers. Men have certain “urges” that need to be satisfied. The activity that meets the demand of this “urge” can sometimes be difficult to get a willing participate…. thus the flowers. All to often flowers can be used as an “urge” satisfying stimulate, thus this guy is not wussy….. He is smart. He is getting the benefits of flowers (on his computer) without having to go out and spend $50 on real flowers. I think we should sing his praise not condemn him for revealing his secret “urge” satisfying tools
Famous Artist
Hey guys, I think we’ve been a bit hard on Mary here. Listen, Flower-boy, I know it’s really tough being emasculated by your friends, but you’re taking it like a trooper, and I’m proud of you! In fact, I think you should embrace this aesthetic, wild, feminine thing you’ve got going on. Who cares if you want to display your hidden, flamboyant side to the world? I say, don’t be ashamed of it, let it out, sister! And if the people on this board don’t understand you, then what kind of friends are they anyway?
Famous Psychologist from a Far Away Land
Okay I cannot hold my piece any longer………
On the subject of him blaming his wife for changing his wallpaper, he is obviously still projecting his feelings for his mother onto his wife.
If his wife did not actually change the wallpaper and he is just blaming her, then he is projecting his blame for his mother not holding him enough as a child onto his wife. In this case, shutting him in the closet for an extended period with only homemade chili to eat might suffice, but more than likely very, very expensive therapy is necessary.
If his wife actually changed his wallpaper, then he is also projecting his feelings for his mother onto his wife. This time though he fears losing her affections, as he feels he lost his mothers affections with the birth of younger brothers and sisters. Thus he now lets his wife wear the pants in the relationship, change wallpapers willy-nilly, and dress him up in little dresses and make-up. In this case he is suffering from what we Famous Psychologists call EWMS (Extreme-Wussy-Man-Syndrome) and aside from years of very, very expensive therapy, the only possible corrective actions are to………….you guessed it…….stick him in a dress and call him Mary or Helen or something more appropriate.
Sigmund Freuds' counsin's plumber's neices' son
Being so closely aligned with the famous psychiatrist Sigmund Freud, I can theorize that because this man has let his wife use his laptop there must be other signs of his EWMS. I’m sure if we investigated his recent T.V. viewing habits we would find he is watching show like: The bachelor, Rome, The O.C., and re-runs of old Beverly Hills 90210. Immediate action should be taken to help this man. First he must be sat in front of a T.V. and forces to watch the movies Armeggedon and Indepence Day, to be followed by the complete episode of Beavis and Butthead. Immediately afterwards a lock needs to be put on his bathroom door so that he is forced to pee outside. Maybe, just maybe, his EWMS can be turned around before he reaches the point of no return and starts wearing pink shirts and watching Desperate Housewifes.
Mango-Man
I happen to know for a fact that this guy has never watched any of a girly-shows mentioned above… Just Dukes of Hazzard re-runs & mythbusters.
In fact if you REALLY knew him you would know that he is the very epitome of manliness and coolness!
If anyone is guilty of suffering from EWMS (Extreme-Wussy-Man-Syndrome) it would be Mr. Destructo. (actually I dont think he ‘suffered’ but he rather ‘enjoyed’ it) there was this time when we were back in college that he would sneak around planting pictures flowers in other peoples rooms. We were continually taking them down & throwing them away. He was so obsessed by this flower thing that he had to get his very own laser printer so that he could print of pictures of flowers whenever he wanted.
I agree to some extent with ‘been married for 10 years’ guy. & it’s not just to satisfy ‘urges’ I try follow biblical truths, that i’m to love my spouse as myself. A women (as I think most men will agree) tends to want someone ‘sensitive’ and ‘caring’ & stuff. So in order to follow God’s commands here it is necessary to fool her into thinking that that is the kind of guy I am. nuph said!
Mr. Destructo
How dare someone invoke my name in such discussion! I am preparing to destroy the Earth, if my demands are not met. I have nothing to do with flowers, except setting them on fire!
This Mango-Man character exudes guilt in his attempts to push his problems onto other people. He knows not what he speaks. Perhaps we should start calling him Fruitcake-Man.
Famous Artist
Flower-boy,
I want to speak to you as a friend now: You are a brave soul. Truly a (wo)man among men. You have given in to your feminine tendencies in order to relate better to your wife, and you are to be applauded for that. But why stop at flowers? Women also love nice makeup, frilly dresses, romantic comedies, and anything pink. I encourage you to embrace all of these things and incorporate them into your daily life. So what if your friends make fun of your shimmery fuschia lipstick? You are doing it for your dear wife, and she will appreciate you for it!
And someday, if you’re lucky, she will come to love this feminine part of your life as much as you do, and can honestly say to you, as Carol Ann told Miss Vida Boheme in the luscious movie To Wong Foo: “Vida, I do not think of you as a man and I do not think of you as a woman…I think of you as an angel.”
Thomas Wayne
Mango-Man said our flower-liking friend watches the Dukes of Hazzard, which is definitely one of the coolest TV shows ever. So it would seem to conflict with the other things he’s saying. Or so it would seem, anyway. But there is a possible explanation for how these things can coincide. Perhaps he does like the Dukes of Hazzard, but his favorite characters were Coy and Vance. If that’s the case, then he truly is a wuss…
Sigmund Fraud
Or perhaps he likes the Dukes because one of the main characters is named Daisy, and a daisy, as we all know, is a FLOWER. It’s all sublineal.
Dr. Phil Good
What were you thinkin’, flower boy?!
Thomas Wayne
Well, if he really likes flowers now, perhaps he’s also becoming emotional and irrational… so maybe he’s not even thinkin’…
Captain Wuss
As someone with some experience in the “Wussy” world…. I say to truely feel like a man you should make a quilt. Then you should wrap it around your neck like a cape and run around a parking lot as if to simulate flying. This will cure you of your wussiness and make you the college roommate who dated the most. Girls dig the cape thing.
mangoman
i’m not so sure about the cape thing… but I do know that chicks dig me… or did back in the college days… doesn’t anyone even recall WHY we got the place over by the hospital? in case your wondering…it’s cause chicks dig me… or in this particular case the landlords daughter 🙂 I also happen to know that back in college (okay, it was actually the year after) I dated more girls than most the rest of my roomies combined. So regardless of your thoughts on flowers… (and a now happily married man of over 3.5 years) I must be doing somthing right! as for the dukes… In response to the artist-chicks comment on Daisy… I will admit to that being one of the draws of the show… but it wasn’t her name that had people tuning in. coy & vance were fakes… bo & luke were the real deal. Yee-Haw… (side note: mr destructo is still a wuss in my eyes for all the flower printing/planting he did back in the old days… He can burn ’em up all he wants now… what is done is done!
Sigmund Fraud
It is obvious to the careful psycho logical observer that you have a gender identity crisis. By participating in courtship rituals with many different females, not only were you utilizing your position as a dater of many to identify with those women and their feelings, thus tuning in to the female psyche, but you were also demonstrating your similarity to women everywhere. That is, like women, you didn’t know what you wanted. Indecision is a decidedly female trait.
Famous Artist
Sigmund Fraud, honey, you need to check yourself, before you wreck yourself! This man is indeed trying to tune in to his feminine side, but it is a thing to be admired and applauded, not criticized!
Flower-boy, I know you’re reading this and are probably very confused. I need you to go to your nearest Starbucks, order a low-fat Caramel Macchiato, and settle in with a copy of Beaches and Steel Magnolias. After a few hours you’ll feel much better dear, I promise.
Mango-Man
Mr. Fraud,
Let He that only dated one chick, cast the first stone… oh wait… that WOULD be you… my bad…
just becuase you can’t get a date is no excuse to go around bad-mouthing other and faux-analyzing other people 🙂
Sigmund Fraud
I see that my words struck a nerve. Criticism of those who tell the ugly truth is another trait that clearly exhibits your girly-manliness, as females cannot receive criticism, only give it.
I dated more than one chick, but not so many that I had to resort to saying that the girl I was dating was “just a good friend” to conceal my inner gender identification crisis. Judging from this whole flower situation, I see now that you really were “just good friends” because you could so closely identify with her womanhood. You two probably got together and ate a half-gallon of rocky-road ice cream from the container while watching “Terms of Endearment” or some such nonsense and then had a good cry together and dried each others tears on your night gowns.
Scientific Observer
Mango-man…. First of all how gay is it to be named after a fruit? Is that because you are a Fruit?(fruitcake). Secondly how can you say you dated so much in college. You can’t count girls from other worlds…like Klingons. Plus secretly dating your “good friend” with several periods of not dating… you can’t count her each time you hooked up as another girl. Also I happen to know you had one roommate who was a dirty filthy NCL-er who changed women like he changed underwear. It probably wasn’t the best philosophy at the time, and some of them where not the best looking girls, and one was jail bait, but at least he didn’t have flower wallpaper on his computer.
Thomas Wayne
Where’s the fruitcake-man? Perhaps he’s too busy searching for new flower wallpaper… heh heh
Mango-Man
Sorry it’s been so long since my last response… i’ve been out rock-climbing and blowing stuff up. And my monster-truck needed tuned up.
to mr. Fraud (how aptly named) and so-called Scientific Observer I say put your money where your mouth is… meet me after school by the playground… we’ll finish this once and for all! btw… you may want to bring ‘your’ night gown to dry the tears you’ll be crying… mwa ha ha ha 🙂
oh… & Scientific Observer guy… if you are referencing the ncl-er I think you are… he didn’t change underwear near as much as he should have
Sigmund Fraud
Mango-(wo)man never ceases to fit the mold of gender-identity crisis. Being repulsed by another man’s underwear is yet another female trait. A manly man would congratulate another man for the rankness of his “emissions”. How did you really know how often this guy changed underwear anyway?
Important Evil Genius E.D
I think if someone walks through a room leaving a trail o’ stank… then it’s time for them to change their draws!
Famous Artist
Flower-boy, I am painting a picture for you right now. It is a landscape of cascading waterfalls surrounded by a field of tulips, gardenias, sunflowers and daffodils. The scene is populated by deer, bunnies, puppies, and all things cute. And to top it off, in the sky is one huge, overwhelming, proud rainbow! I’m sending this painting to you so that when the world gets you down, and you’re so confused, you can just look at it and find your happy place!
Famous Psychologist from a Far Away Land
Wow, Mango-Flower boy has really gotten taken behind the woodshed! Flower-Mango boy, please take a deep breath and now let it out slowly. Now that you’re calm and no longer filled with sissified-violence, it’s time to realize that you aren’t necessarily a sissy-man but just suffering from a debilitating disease (the aforementioned EWMS) that is progressing rapidly.
It’s also very obvious you are progressing thru the 5 stages of grief (of no longer being a true man). You’ve already progressed from denial to anger, now it’s time to move onto bargaining. Realize there are some good things to being mostly female- knowing the difference between eggshell and fucia, being able to decorate, having well-manicured hands and feet, and driving small red cars!
It’s time to come to grips with what you’re going thru and accept it and it’s stages! I’m afraid all hope is lost of returning to full manhood, but the good news is……it sounds like your house will have never looked better.
Captain Wuss
Oh wow a painting…. I love paintings. My house is very lovely. Satin sheets, pink furniture covers, sea shell soaps on the back of the toliet. It’s just perfect. I don’t know about you guys, but I’m excited that another man is realizing how embracing the previously mentioned things can make you a real man. Keep going for it flower boy… You will be a real man yet. By the way, what did the scientific observer mean when he said you had dated a KLINGON?
Mango-Man
Famous-Artist… thank’s for the description of the place with deer, bunniess & puppies… i’ll bring my gun! 🙂 it does INDEED sound like a happy place!
I think it important to mention that my challenge to mr. fraud went unanswered… he wussed out and chose not to face me!
btw… I’ve got some rank emissions i’ll leave for you next time I see you… I’ll be expecting harty congratulations…
Mr Far-off psychologist (I think far off psycho might me more adequate) I dare say that myself and all the other real-guys on this post have no clue what you are ranting about… what is this qrief stuff you are talking about? MEN dont cry! if you were a REAL man you’d know that… & whats with those weird colors you are talking about… EVERY real man knows that the only colors are red, white, brown, blue, green… oh… & black & blue… which is what color you’ll be if you dont quit mouthing 🙂 mwa-ha-ha
Important Evil Genius E.
I hate to say it… but I agree with Mango-Man… those ARE the only colors… & men dont cry… & yes… shooting stuff is cool… but blowing stuff up is better!
Famous Psychologist from a Far Away Land
Ahhh…No clue what I’m talking about huh?…That does make sense….The female hormones must finally be taking over and overriding your ability to logically reason. Don’t worry it won’t be long now Mango-Flower Man….or maybe I should say Mango-Flower WOman. I too do not know those colors, but have only heard women mention them. But soon, very soon you’ll truly know those colors and you’ll probably even cry when you see them because they will “touch your little heart.” Unfortunately you will no longer be able to read a map, but such is the life of a Mango-woman.
Thomas Wayne
Perhaps Santa will bring Mango-Flower-Woman some flowers for Christmas… 🙂
Sigmund Fraud
Or perhaps Mrs. Claus will come instead bearing tote bags full of festive Christmas arrangements and botanical bliss for our friend the Mango- (Wo)Man.
Famous Artist
Flower-boy,
Did you have a good Christmas? What was on your list for Santa to bring you? Flowers, of course, but also maybe some fine imported chocolates? Or perhaps that Cuisinart pressure cooker that you’ve been pining for? Either way, I was thinking of you this last weekend as I shopped for poinsettias to decorate the house, and found some interesting facts that I knew you’d love. Did you know that poinsettias are not poisonous, as is the common misconception? Also, the flower of the poinsettia is not the flaming red leaves, but the yellow structures found in the center of each leaf bunch. Oh, I could talk for days about the joys of horticulture, as I know you could too, but I’ll instead wish you a Happy New Year and hope that it brings you days of botanical delights!
Mango-Man
what? poinsettias aren’t poisonous? then that explains why my constantly shredding them and adding them into the far-away-psychos drink has had no effect…. still… shredding flowers is fun! 🙂 oh… & artist chick… unless botanical has something to do with ro-BOT’s i’m not sure what you’re talking about… I suppose it’s just typical womonly ramblings that we men aren’t meant to pay attention to.
and so all you ‘good’ poeple that ask know… for christmas I got some new video games (the kind where you shoot people and blow stuff up in case your wondering) also got a new stereo for my car since it has been cutting in & out. got some other pretty cool stuff too… like wireless headphones that I can plug into the tv & still listen to it after my wife goes to sleep.
Thomas Wayne… you should start a post that people can tell what they got for christmas… might be fun…
No Way Man
What?… You would rather watch tv then go to the bed with your wife?…. Fruitcake-man do you know what happens when you go to the bed with your wife?…. come on dude your killing me. Have you lost your manliness that much that you can’t even put moves on your wife? And don’t try to use the baby things as a cop out. Maybe if your wife sprinkled rose petals on the bed you would go there. (by the way you should do that for her… they love it).
No Way Man
By the way… it looks like mango-man will soon also lose his ability to parallel park
Buffet o' Blog Moderator
In response to a recent comment by Mango-Man :
Thomas Wayne is not on staff here at Buffet o’ Blog. He is a frequent visitor, yes, but he is not in charge of what gets posted. Nonetheless, I made a post today where people can tell about their new toys and share any funny stories they experienced this year around Christmas. We’ll see what happens…
Mango-Man
No-way man should here-to-fore be called stupid-head. Of COURSE I go to bed with my wife. Out of respect for the sanctity of marriage I will not divulge what happens there. The headphone gadget is so I can watch tv from the bed after spending ‘quality time’ with my wife without disturbing her. This enables be to watch tv while my wife is fast asleep (from exhaustion no less)
Texas J
What do you watch after your wife goes to sleep. HGTV?
Mango-Man
typically either: A-team re-runs (I pity the fool!) , mythbusters, or overhaulin…
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Fab
Flower-boy, let’s revive this thread! 🙂
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