It’s time for another free-for-all story. [much cheering is heard in the background] Same rules as last time, which I’ll recap for the new readers :
- Keep it clean. Don’t use any cuss words nor introduce any “adult” situations.
- Write whatever you want (except as noted above), but keep it somewhat short.
- You can write multiple times, but not back-to-back (even with different aliases).
- If two people write at the same time and they both won’t fit in the storyline, the latter one will be deleted. (Nothing personal; it’s just to keep the continuity of the story.)
- Have fun!
That’s it. Now let’s get started…
Pierre and Jacques were finishing their French caramel lattes in celebration of their just-signed contract when Jean Paul walked into the room. Pierre, the self-proclaimed leader of the group, explained the news to J.P. (Jean Paul), that their idea of exploring and documenting the world’s mysteries had finally been accepted and funded. Just an hour earlier, they had received the call from The Exploration Channel. The contract called for 10 episodes, and the budget for each episode was $100,000. That figure blew their minds, because their business, Explorers Extraordinaire, had never made that much money in an entire year, and now they could make a million dollars in one year.
The three men were chosen for their eagerness about the quest and their unusual sense of humor, along with their sense of reckless abandon, as some of the future projects may be quite dangerous. The timeline was somewhat short, because the producers wanted to bring this show to television while nature / adventure shows were still popular.
The first exploration was to discover the truth about Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster. That seemed like a popular yet fairly easy mission to start with. They had seen a documentary on Nessie just a few weeks ago, but the people on the show never found nor caught this monster that supposedly exists. They each thought up various ways to catch it, and they were very eager to get started. That afternoon, Jacques and J.P. started interviewing potential crewmen while Pierre began developing a plan. They expected this first assignment to be a piece of cake, but little did they know what the future had in store…
47 thoughts on “new story #2 : Explorers Extraordinaire”
The plan they came up with was simple. rent a boat… take along a totally uneccessary amount of dynomite. Drive around the Loch in a systematic manner while lighting and tossing in sticks of dynomite at pre-determined intervals. Sort of a ‘poor-mans’ fishing expedition. Everyone knows that when dynomite is detonated in ther water the shockwaves kill any marine life in the blast vacinity. And it slowly floats to the top. No-one had been daring enough to try this plan before. All the other “experts” were worried about “ecology”, “long-term side-effects”, “habitat devastation”, and what they deemed “cruelty to animals” well Explorers Extraordinaire weren’t worried about that. No sirree… they just had to make sure they stayed away from the local authorities and they were set! Now… all they had to do was get to scotland. Rent a boat, buy some dynomite, and assemble a crew to maneuver the ship.
J.P. said, “Where’s Scotland? How long will it take us to drive there?” Pierre replied, saying, “It’s in Europe, you dipstick! We’ll have to fly over there.” Momentarily confused, J.P. said, “Oh… hey, wait a minute… what’s a dipstick?” Pierre glared impatiently at J.P., then told him to go buy some groceries for their trip. That’ll get him out of our hair while we work on the plan.
Even though the plan of dynomite seemed very effective and quick, and evading the local authorities might not be too difficult, Pierre had realized they’d be filming the whole expedition, so getting away with that plan wasn’t gonna happen. So they had to formulate a new plan.
Pierre and Jacques sat silently for a few minutes, deep in thought, when Jacques said, “I have an idea!”
i am woman-hear me roar
Jacques said “why don’t we just fly over the loch and drop J.P. in (he weighs 1800 lbs) and when all the water flies out, we’ll be able to see Nessie!!
Pierre laughted at Jacques obvious short-sightedness… “we cant do that!!! why, can you imagine the logistical nightmare of hoisting J.P. that high? and supposing we did manage that feat… do you ‘really’ want to be the one responsible for creating a massive tidal wave in the lake (can you ‘have’ tidal waves in a ‘lake’?) think of the loss of life. No… that plan will never do… we’ll have to come up with another plan… maybe once we get there we will be inspired.”
“Besides..” J.P. chimed in… “I dont REALLY weigh 1800lbs… I just have a really big shadow…”
Jacques roared with sarcastic laughter and said, “yeah, and electrons aren’t really all that small! JP, you’re so fat, you’re belly’s still laughing half an hour after your mouth stops!”
JP had had enough with the fat jokes already and he had no idea what an electron was, and with his limited intelligence, he was unable to make a verbal comeback of any magnitude. So, instead, he began literally throwing his weight around toward Pierre and Jacques which DID have magnitude. It even registered on the Richter scale! After narrowly missing the guys swinging his belly flab back and forth and becoming too winded to fight back anymore, they all turned and saw their old buddy Boudreaux from the Louisiana swamp walk through the door.
i am woman-hear me roar
“What’s going on here?”, Boudreaux exclaimed! “JP, you better stop that before somebody loses an eye (or their entire head for that matter)”. “What’s all the fighting about?” Once Pierre had caught his breath, he explained what was going on to Boudreaux. Boudreaux said “I have a great idea! I met someone on my awesomely adventurous safari to the jungles of the Sahara last year and I think they’re just the person for this job!” He stepped away and made a quick phone call. In no time at all, there was a knock on the door. “They’re here”, Boudreaux exclaimed. He opened the door and introduced the other 3 fellows to none other than Miss B. Haven, world known Adventurer Extraordinaire.
Pierre thought to himself that this woman’s name sounded a bit suspicious, and he hadn’t heard of any jungles in the Sahara, but he isn’t an expert on Africa or women, so he didn’t think too much about it. Besides, they could use whatever help they could get. So he invited Boudreaux and his friend in to discuss the mission over some hot chocolate.
J.P. reiterated his idea of using explosives to catch Nessie, but everyone glared at him so intently that he quickly realized his plan wasn’t going to be accepted at this time. Jacques suggested they set up a big trap, though they weren’t sure what Nessie ate. Pierre, wanting to test the knowledge of this “world known” explorer Miss B. Haven, asked her what ideas she had. She replied…
“well… i’ve been thinking of re-painting my apartment. I’d like to go another shoppoing excursion soon… and then I….” her voice trailed off as she saw the other adventurers looking at her strangely… “Oh… you meant ideas to catch nessie! sorry… about that”. “well… first things first… we need to get to scotland… we can take my car” the others silently looked at her for a few more moments in stunned silence before they turned and resumed their planning… Jacques logged onto orbitz and quickly booked there seats. they grabbed there belongings and were soon boarding an airplane for scotland.
As they were boarding the plane, JP saw an old friend from high school named Jack boarding the plane in front of them in the line. He yelled, “Hi, Jack!” About that time, homeland security agents, air marshals, and airport police came out of the woodwork. Before the team knew what happened, JP was cuffed and lying on the floor with a big burly agent aiming a pistol straight at his head.
“You’re under arrest for Hi, Jacking!”, he shouted. JP was unsure what that meant, but realized quickly it wasn’t a good thing as the man’s size 13 foot planted itself firmly between his shoulders, pinning him down face-down on the floor, just short of the ticket counter.
Jacques thought about pretending to be the bad pun police, but he saw the seriousness of the situation J.P. was in, and he didn’t want any part of that. Pierre tried to explain the situation, but the pun was lost on the police. After 30 minutes of intense interrogation, the authorities finally concluded that J.P. wasn’t a threat to anybody (except maybe a restaurant with a good buffet). Then everybody boarded the flight.
After an hour in the air, Boudreaux asked where Miss B. Haven was, because he didn’t see her anywhere around. The explorers tried to act ignorant (which they’re normally quite good at), but their chuckling gave away their guilt. Finally, Jacques explained that they intentionally left her behind because she wasn’t going to be much help. Boudreaux felt somewhat slighted, but he got over it, because it’s probably true.
During the flight, Pierre took a nap, and he had a really strange dream, which might actually help them on this mission…
his dream consisted of an assorted variety of woodland creatures all throwing dynomite into the water. After the resulting explosion a very ticket off Nessie arose from the troubled waters and gobbled them all up. It was at that very moment Pierre finally conceded that the whole ‘dynomite idea’ might not be the best method to use. It was fine for nessie the eat woodland creatures… but he no intention of placing himself on Nessies’ menu. Also in the dream he had noticed a bizzare trio of dancing dwarfs lurking about… but that may have just been the week-old cheesedip he’d found in the fridge talking.
Upon waking from his nap Pierre looked out the window and saw…
something on the ground below. He jabbed Boudreaux in the ribs with his elbow and said, “We’re so high up, those people down there look like ants.”
Boudreaux let out a loud belly laugh and said, “Those ARE ants, stupid, we haven’t taken off yet. There was a 30 minute delay in taking off you nimrod! You slept through the whole ordeal!”
About that time, the pilot’s voice was heard on the cabin speakers and he said………..
i am woman-hear me roar
“I’m sorry for the delay folks, it seems we were about to leave without all of our passengers. And since it was the world famous Miss B. Haven and her assistant Miss Adventure, we thought we’d better hold the plane for them. I do expect them to board any moment now, so we should be able to depart within the next few minutes. Again, I’m sorry for the inconvenience”.
Just then, Miss B. and Miss Adventure came aboard. Eyeing the “gentlemen” that tried to leave them behind, B said “I’ve come up with the perfect plan for catching Nessie! All we have to do is…….
create an earthquake!”
“What?!” JP exclaimed, “You’re completely insane, that’s why we tried to leave you at the airport.”
“No, she’s not,” Miss Adventure interjected. “She’s quite right, actually. I’ve been working for the LNIB (Loch Ness Investigation Bureau) for years now, and I think I have a plan that just might work. There is a great deal of seismic activity around Urquhar Bay, where Nessie has previously been sighted. If we could cause an explosion around the southern end of the bay, we may just get Nessie to make an appearance!”
JP yelled out: “Dynomite! That’s what I’ve been telling you guys all along!”
But before they could continue their conversation, the seatbelt sign lit up and the plane started toward the runway…
‘started’ is about all the plane could do since J.P.’s enormous ability to have a “really big shadow” prevented the plane from taking off. Confusion set in on the passengers as to the next course of action. The confusion cleared out ,as well as everyone else on the plane, when Miss Adventure (to the amusement of her male cohorts) brought forth a most foul odor from within her bowels. This of course lighten the load of the plane and allowed for them to continue on their expedition.
Famous Psychologist From a Far Away Land
About an hour into the flight Miss Adeventure suggested it might be a good idea for them to research the area around Loch Ness before they arrived. So Jacque, wanting desperately to impress Miss Adventure, whipped out his laptop to peruse GoogleEarth. As his computer finished booting up, Pierre began howling with laughter. Everyone rushed to see what was happening and found Pierre doubled over on the floor clutching his stomach from laughter.
“What’s happening?” exclaimed Miss B Haven. Pierre, after the laughter subsided, told everyone to look at Jacques’ laptop. Everyone broke out in laughter as they saw that Jacque had flowers as his background, flowers on his screensaver, and his mousepointer was also a little flower.
Miss B. Haven exclaimed, “Jacque, you’re more woman than me!.” To which Jacque replied…………
really it wasnt’ me!!! i’ve been set up! it’s a conspiracy!!! I did it to impress my girlfriend!!! I have no idea how a picture of the ‘genus Rhododendron with campanulate flowers’ got on my computer! i’m innocent I say!!! A sudden hush fell over the plane and a look of horror flashed accross Jacques face as the realization hit him that he had revealed that he knew just a bit more than any man should know about flowers. Finally he turned to J.P. and admitted… “okay! I didn’t want you to find out this way but while researching various sitings of nessie I was bored one day & cross-referenced the spottings with vegetation in the area. I found that almost every time it was in the vicinity of a Rhododendrum with cam…” Jacques voiced cut short at a sharp look from J.P. “I mean… found it was in the vicinity of a rose-bush thing. it’s entirely possible that Nessie is attracted to this…um bush… maybe to eat it or something… as for my background… well”, Jacques shoulders slumped, “I thought it was pretty… what’s happened to me? J.P. you’ve GOT to help me get my manliness back…” with that exclamation Jacques voice broke into sobs…
Miss Adventure, profoundly amazed by this new discovery of uncharacteristic male sensitivity, contemplated in a dream on the possibility of life with Jacques. ahhh…she can see it now. Living in a giant house on a beach in southern France surrounded by pretty flowers and a white picket fence. Everything is all nice and peaceful and she can see Jacque running toward her from afar. His massive arms are waving at her and she smiles and waves back. Soon she realizes that as Jacques is coming closer, his waves toward her were not a greeting but of fright.
Explosions erupt around Jacques and she can hear the sound of tanks firing their guns in her direction.
Suddenly she wakes up and reassures herself that Jacques, despite his uncharacteristic male sensitivity, may not be the one for her. After shaking off her dream, she listens to J.P. offer Jacques some advice on regaining his “manliness”. humph! (disgusted look) MEN!
J.P. pulled Jacques off to the side to discuss things like explosions, in hopes of getting him out of this flower stupor he somehow slipped into.
Pierre sat back, taking in all this stupidity that was flowing freely around the cabin. He kept thinking he’d heard the name Miss Adventure before, when he finally remembered the show on Animal Planet. But this woman here is not the same as the woman on the show. So obviously this woman with them is a fraud and must be exposed! Pierre decided to wait for the right moment.
Suddenly there was a loud metallic-sounding pop, like a metal rod being struck with great force. J.P. exlaimed, “Oh, no! I know that sound! The airplane has thrown a rod!” “Is that bad?” asked Jacques. “Yep”, answered J.P.
They looked out the windows, to see that one of the engines is on fire, with billows of black smoke pouring out. Lightning flashes in the distance. The plane dives toward the thick jungle growth. Death looms.
But only for a moment. Some quick thinking from Boudreaux saved the plane when he banged on the cockpit door and reminded the pilot and co-pilot that they could still fly the plane with just one engine. With that friendly reminder, the pilot pulled the plane up just in time to avoid the dense jungle below. Boudreaux watched out the window intently as the pilot maneuvered the plane back in line with the horizon. He wasn’t sure, though, why they were flying over a jungle on the way to Scotland. Something strange was going on and he was going to get to the bottom of it if his name wasn’t Reverend Bishop Elder Dr. Boudreaux Shaquille Cornelius Walberg, III (and you thought Boudreaux was a bad name). 🙂
Sappy the Clown
Luckily for our Daring Heros of Discovery, the plane made it all the way to Scotland without further incident. On the way,Boudreaux made constant checks on the pilot to make sure all went well throughout the flight and Jacques learned some manly lessons from J.P. and the rest of the guys.
Jacques felt strange, he doesn’t feel inclined to watch Lifetime or read romance novels. Also his life long habits have disappeared like the desire to drink much wine, smoke lots of cigarettes, hang out on nude beaches discussing Napoleon. Jacques suddenly feels a bit disturbed that France runs the U.N.
“Thanks guys! I really feel manly now!”
Miss Adventure has noticed some changes in Jacques and in her dreams she can’t see tanks coming over the horizon. wierd?
But this thought ceased as the pilot said over the speaker, “We are going to land the plane. Buckle up!”
The ‘buckle seatbelt’ sign went and everyone took their seats. The landing was a bit turbulent but at least they landed safely. Once they had came to a complete stop they prepared to leave their seats. But stopped when Miss B. Haven stated the obvious… “hey… it feels like we’re floating”. This was comfirmed with a quick glance out of the window. “what’s going?”, Jacques whispered. With that the pilot burst through the door of the cockpit yelling… “Nessie knows you’re here! prepare to die evil doers! I have stranded you in the middle of the loch! It’s only a matter of time until the plane will sink and then Nessie will be the end of you!” with that he lept through the exit door onto Jet-ski that was fastened to the front of the plan (funny how they hadn’t noticed it until now) as the crazed pilot dissappeared into the distance the team discussed what to do next…
Jacques thought to himself, “This is my chance to be manly, to step up and be the leader.” So he said in his best strong voice, “Now, everybody stay calm! Don’t panic! Just relax… we’ll get this figured out.” Everyone looked at him in surprise, then their surprise was increased as water started flooding the plane. A sudden clasp of thunder rumbled overhead, shaking the plane. J.P. said, somewhat excitedly, “Was that an explosion?” Pierre replied, “No, that was just…” His response was interrupted by the explosion of the left engine. “That was definitely an explosion!” said J.P.
The water level was rising at an extreme pace. The only open door was filled with water pouring in. There was another crazy-loud boom of thunder. Miss Adventure screamed in fright. The cabin was getting darker as the windows were becoming covered with water. Death looms.
But only for a moment. Boudreaux, who was certainly turning out to be the hero in this story, again showed that he was the only practical thinker in the bunch. Cajun brain-power was showing itself to be far superior to that of a bunch of weenies with French names. Boudreaux made his way to the exit door and closed it tight, causing the plane to become bouyant again. Then, he opened the bathroom doors, removed the toilets from the floor, and all the water drained from the once half-knee deep cabin into the sewage storage tank through the holes in the floor. Then, he, being the REAL leader of the bunch, suggested that they would need to somehow cut through the roof of the fuselage, put somebody on the roof, and signal for help, that is unless the pilot stupidly left the plane’s communication system intact. So, he went to the cockpit, opened the door and what he saw inside was a total shock.
Boudreaux saw the crazed pilot powering his Jet-ski away from what was the largest monstrocity that he has ever seen. Even in the chaos of rain and lightening, Boudreaux was able to behold a sea monster submerged out of the water. “Could this be Nessie?” said Boudreaux. The sea creature appeared to fit the description of what Nessie typically looked like: a very large, long-necked, lizard-like behemoth.
Beadreaux called out to his comrades within the plane to look out their windows. They watched “Nessie” chase the crazed pilot down and swooped its long neck to capture the pilot in his jaws while flinging the jet-ski haphazardly toward the plane. They ducked inside and heard a loud crash on the side of the plane. When the explorers looked outside, they saw the emblem for PETA written on the Jet-ski.
“Nessie” cocked her head back in a swallowing motion and the pilot was gone.
“Nessie” then turned its head toward the plane and suddenly began to swim in our explorers’s direction. They panicked and frantically tried to figure how to get out of the plane.
Jacques and Boudreaux hastily constructed a makeshift lifeboat out of broken parts of the plane and J.P.
J.P. protested mightily, but Jacques and Boudreaux insisted that his buoyancy was paramount to their survival.
But alas, it was to no avail as their bickering allowed “Nessie” to close in on them. Accepting that their fates were sealed, our explorers resigned themselves to death.
Suddenly, “Nessie” stopped.
She straightened her neck, opened her mouth, and stucked out her tongue. A few moments later a tall man dressed in black appeared to walk out onto Nessie’s tongue. He proclaimed, with hands raised and in a loud, fear-inflicting voice,
“Welcome, Explorers Exraodinaire! How do you like my submarine, N.E.S.S.I.E?!”
The explorers, puzzled by what just transpired, wondered what would happen next.
they were in disbelief! it wasnt nessie at all but a cleverly disguised robotic submarine. The explorers looked skeptically at the stranger. “who are you?” Jauques asked? but before the man in black had a chance to answer J.P. exclaimed.. “cousin Ned?”. The stranger answered… “yes, tis I”… shortly thereafter the explorers were sitting around a large table onboard the submarine shooting a barrage of questions at captain cousin ned.
Pierre asked, “are you the man behind the nessie legend?”
“oh, my no”, replied captain ned “nessie is all too real. I only created this nessie sub to keep peta off my back. They don’t like people patrolling these waters… they think we have nefarious plans for nessie… you’ve already seen what a nut job they can be… your pilot was one of them.”
“Ironically i’m not even looking for nessie…” captain ned lowers his voice as he confided “but i’ve seen him… The real reason i’m here is that i’m searching for the lost city of atlantis, I recently came into possession of an ancient manuscript that pinpoints atlantis as being here… in the loch…”
the captain looks around conspiratorily “but it gets better!” he proclaimed “I believe nessie is the protector and gaurdian of this ancient city. I think I may have found the the way in too… not far from here about 100yards down i’ve found what looks to be a Door or gateway of some kind… it’s covered in ancient writings of what looks to be a dead language.”
the captain continued, “sadly I’ve been unable to open it wich nessie patrolling the area and all. And i’m fresh out of dynomite to try and blow it open”
J.P. exclaimed “I TOLD you we needed dynomite… but did you listen? NOOOoooo…”
Captain Ned continued… “maybe you guys can help me to find the secret to atlantis’ untold riches? what do you say? Help me find the key and i’ll cut you in on the deal…”
“Well I think that’s a fantastic idea!”
The captain looked around, surprised, then exclaimed: “Miss Adventure, I didn’t see you there! It’s been a while, how are you?”
“I’m fine, Captain. It’s good to see you’re still here, I was afraid you had given up on Atlantis already. But I may have something that can help your search. This is my friend, Miss B. Haven.”
The captain smiled in recognition, as the rest of the crew looked more and more confused.
Miss B. reached out to shake the captain’s hand. “Captain Edward Cromwell, what a pleasure to see you again! I think I may be able to help you. I’ve spent the last 2 years studying the Sanskrit language for an archaeological dig in India. The pictures you sent of the gateway looks like the same language, I should be able to decipher it, if only we can find a way to get past Nessie…”
Jacques became suddenly jealous of the attention Miss Adventure was giving this so called “captain” and decided to do whatever it took to win her heart.
if it includes knocking off this captain then so be it.
“SHE WILL BE MINE!” said Jacques in a loud voice and the crew looked at him strangely.
Jacques immediately pulled out his miniature car magazine from his back pocket to reveal a picture of a first generation Camaro (a 1969 Z/28) equipped with a roaring 302 V8, an M-20 four-speed with a flawless body, as well as a Cross-Ram induction setup.
After this wierd moment, the explorers agreed to help the captain and decided what to do next.
Jacques, in an effort to recover from the embarassing situation with Miss Adventure, spoke up with an idea that captured the imagination of the entire group. “He needs a good woman!” Jacques immediately began relfecting on what he just said and wondered if he was talking about his own desire for Miss A. or a girl sea-lizard to distract Nessie. From all indications, though, they assumed he meant a woman for Nessie which brought him some relief. “Hey, cousin captain Ned, is your N.E.S.S.I.E. sub a male or a female?”, Jacques asked. They all realized that the N.E.S.S.I.E. sub would have to retro-fitted to look female to distract the real Nessie away from the supposed gate to the underwater city of Atlantis. “We’ll have to call those two nimrods Important Evil Genius, E.D. and Mr. Destructo to accomplish this”, Jacques said. In his mind, though, he knew how difficult it would be to have those two blow-hards in the same room with one another, let alone working on the same project. There would have to be substantial rewards both monetarily and in notoriety to bring this unlikely pair of world-dominator-wannabes together. But they both had undergraduate degrees in robotics in addition to advanced degrees in evil and mayhem, so their actual skills would be invaluable if they could pull off the human relations side of the matter. Jacques asked, “Does anyone have the phone number to their not-so-secret lairs?”
Pierre searched his recollections for a moment, then remembered hearing in the news that the Important Evil Genius’ secret lair was recently discovered and raided. They called his toll-free hotline, and sure enough, it had been disconnected. He’s also on the run from the police, so it wouldn’t be good to get him involved at this time.
Pierre then tried calling around for Mr. Destructo and actually got to speak with him, but his request for help was turned down because of extreme busyness and a lack of sufficient motivation (not enough money). However, he did take a few minutes to give them some suggestions : “Conduct a hyperbolic topology of the loch, search for frequently occurring biosignatures, factor in the contextual attenuations due to your parallax, discount the statistical aberrations, then sort the empirical evidence for clues. That should put put you in close proximity to Nessie’s location.”
J.P. said, “That means nothing to me. We don’t have time to learn all that scientific mumbo-jumbo! Nor do we need to modify the sub. I think we should try the dynomite!”
Miss B stood up and said, “You men are just insensitive and destructive! We should try to get in touch with Nessie’s feelings, because she’s probably not evil but just misunderstood.”
The look on J.P.’s face revealed that he thought that was one of the dumbest things he’s ever heard. He had to say something…
JP shouted, “For crying out loud you dumb broad! First of all, as indicated in earlier posts, Nessie’s a male. Second of all, Nessie has to be evil because reliable sources say HE eats pickles.” Then JP had a revelation of how to capture Nessie, debunk or verify years and years of monstrous myths, and find a lost city all while showing a whiny woman to be the stupid head she is, which was becoming abundantly clear as each word came from her cake-hole. This would involve hundreds of institutional size jars of vlasic pickles, duct tape, dynomite, and……
Wait a minute Pierre interjected… I read in the paper the important evil genius story was falsified… in fact the reporter that broke the story was fired & is now working at the enquirer or something. Are you sure you tried the right number? seems like its 1-900-Evil-Guy or something… i’m gonna try calling it again. As Pierre went to call JP continued with his rantings about using pickles and duct tape and the others all followed (leaving JP ranting to himself). Moments Later Pierre was speaking with the Evil Genius E.D. himself (for a reasonable 1.98 per minute) Pierre explained their conundrum with nessie. “I suppose you are also searching for Atlantis?” the Genius inquired. Pierre was shocked with the mans insight and wisdom. the genius continued. “Your friend Jacque had the right idea with his research on the genus Rhododendron… you can lure the creature away from the doorway using this rare plant that grows only on the shores of the loch. It is commonly mistaken for a rosebush. Nessie cannot resist this tasty treat. Use it… set your trap & you may well be on your way to entering atlantis. thats all the data I am willing to divulge … except that when you enter be sure that you beware the….” suddenly the submarines phone line went dead. The submarine shuddered and the lights flickered and went out…to be replaced momentarily with the emergency lights. what was happening? was it some kind of conspiracy? was it nessie?
Was it the fact that a phone line can only handle so much crap at one time without disconnecting? The old evil fart was well known for his mindless rants and delusions of grandeur. This all went back to his disatisfaction with life because his goal had always been to be a French pastry chef, but the lures of half-baked (pun intended) evil schemes had gotten the best of him it seemed. He was now a raving lunatic, a man whose nutty ramblings, ridiculous advice and unfounded power trips had sent him over the deep end never to return. They would have to come up with another plan and ignore this bozo.
at the conclusion of this rant against the evil genius, miss behavin finally became quiet. Miss adventure whispered to Peirre. “you can’t really believe all that she just said. She used to date the Evil Genius some time ago… it ended badly… The Evil Doctor is really quiet intellegent. In fact he was nominated many times for the Nobel Peace Prize but refused it… I guess because the title has the word ‘peace’ in it.
So in spite of misbehavins miss givings plans were made to follow the Evil Doctors advice. Now they just had to figure out what had caused the power loss in the sub.
“What was that?!” Miss B exclaimed. The captain rushed into the room in a panic. “Nessie is ramming the submarine! I saw her coming at us a while ago and cut the power down on the sub to only the emergency lights, but she’s found us and she’s really angry!”
Confused, JP asked the captain, “Why would she attack us? We haven’t done anything to her!”
“She must have gotten startled after your plane crashed, and she sees us as a threat now. Our only chance now is to distract her. Peirre, I need you to take everyone down to the lower deck. There is an escape pod there that should hold everyone. I’m going to steer us toward the sea floor, when we’re close I’ll release the pod and then steer Nessie away from you. Miss Adventure, I know you have sailing experience, it will be in your hands to navigate the pod to the entrance of Atlantis. If I can get far enough away I should be able to lose Nessie, and I’ll meet you all back at the doorway. Good luck, adventurers!”
Jacques shook his head in disgust and whispered, “We’re doomed!”
JP agreed with Jacques… well what else would you expect with woman driver?
The plan was quickly put into action, the adventurers all piled into the escape pod and waited in the eery silence. They could feel the sub beginning its dive. suddently with a rush of noise the pod was ejected. the plan worked!… they could see Nessie continuing to follow the sub unaware of the pod. everything had been perfectly executed and if weren’t for the fact that JP began snapping pictures of nessie (flash pictures no less) they would have remained undetected. Nessie turned and begin to approach the pod. The captain of the sub saw this and quickly turned the sub and began running interferance… their only hope now was to run for it. They never make it to the surface so their only choice would be to attempt to take shelter in atlantis… ‘if’ it existed… and ‘if’ they could figure out how to open the long forgotten portal…
at least they now had proof of nessie’s existence… even if it was on a polaroid.
J.P. said, “I’ll go distract Nessie while the rest of you go to the entrance of Atlantis and try to read the Sanskrit writings and figure out how to open the gateway.” With that, he exited out of the escape pod and swam up to Nessie. He proceed to mix kung-fu style punches with roundhouse kicks, landing them on Nessie’s face. He was beating the crap out of Nessie, and the sea monster was about to lose consciousness, when someone started kicking J.P.
Startled, J.P. woke up and Jacques told him that he’d been flailing his arms and legs like he was crazy, and there just wasn’t enough room for that in the escape pod. J.P. was still in a surreal state, however, and exclaimed, “I just had a revelation! I’ll go distract Nessie while you go to the gateway of Atlantis and figure out how to get in.”
Before anyone could stop J.P., he got out of the escape pod and swam toward Nessie. He got right in Nessie’s face and tried to kick him, then discovered that roundhouse kicks aren’t so effective underwater. Nessie gave him a puzzled look (as much as an ancient sea monster can show emotions), and then swallowed J.P. whole.
The crew, who was watching, all gasped in horror. Miss B wept uncontrollably, because she had secretly developed an affection for him. Jacques didn’t know what to say (but that’s never stopped him before), so he said, “That was NOT cool!” After a moment of stunned silence, Jacques added, “Perhaps we should blow Nessie up with dynamite, in honor of J.P.” The group just looked at each other, not sure what to say or do next…
They sat there in stunned silence mourning the loss of J.P. until Miss B exlaimed… “he’s coming for us!!! RUN!” the put the pod in top gear and rushed toward the alleged gateway to Atlantis. As Nessie drew ever closer Miss B hurriedly tried to decipher the sanskrit carvings. She read the ancient text “the way is shut, the gateway to the past is inside the guardians shout is the key” what does that mean? no one knew! and nessie was now upon them… they were doomed! At that very moment the submarine appeared from nowhere ramming nessie in the side. Nessie Roared in pain then turned and quickly crushed the submarine into a crumpled heap (reminiscient of the way a fat guy would crush a soda-can on his forehead) as the team quickly donned their wet suits to escape from the pod something unecpected happened. The Doorway began to slowly open. It was Jauque that figured it out. “of course! ‘the guardians shout is key’ Nessie is the guardian… & when the captain rammed him he roared… or rather shouted’. The time for talk was over now was the time for action! The team evacuated the pod just as nessie decimated it. If they could only make it the short distance through the small gateway. Jacque knew the others wouldn’t make it. and in a last show of bravery lite the waterproof fuse on some dynomite and swam toward nessie as the few remaining teammates squeezed through the gateway they lost site of Jacque just before they heard the rumbling sound of the dynomite detenating. They could only go forward now. Only death awaited them outside in the dark waters. … Atlantis if this is what is indeed it. was not at all what they thought it would be. The passageway let up out of the water and opened into a grand cavern dominated by a building reminiscient of an ancient temple, with one major difference… it look to be made of entirely of gold! upon entering the temple they found it empty except for what appeared to be yet another huge gateway with markings above. Ms. B. again interpreted the markings. “Doorway to the past”
on the opposite wall of the temple there was another opening that overlooked a massive golden city… it was indeed atlantis… a city known to have achieved technological marvels that others had only dreamed about. Pierre broke the silence by saying what the few remaining adventurers had only been thinking… “could this gateway to the past, be a time machine? is it possible that we could go back and thereby spare the lives of J.P., Jacque, and the captain?” it was worth a try…
But how does it work?” says Miss Adventure. The crew (what’s left of them) pondered this question and looked at all the markings on the walls of the room they were in and onto the doorway itself. They investigated for what seemed like forever (not really, but…nevermind) until Miss B. noticed a golden hand print impression on the door.
“Wow, this impression looks to be about as big as my hand!” said Miss B.
“Try it and see if your hand fits.” said, Miss Adventure who was curious that a hand impression was on the door and not anywhere else.
Miss B. tried to place her hand into the door but her hand was too small for the impression. Everyone in turn tried to see if their hand would fit into the door without any results. Finally, it came down to Miss B.’s assistant, Miss Adventure. She placed her hand into the door and…it fits perfectly.
Astonished, the crew wondered if this was a clue on how to open the door.
Miss Adventure had a mysterious hunch, like she knew all of a sudden what to do to open the door. She began to rotate her hand to the right and suddenly the door began to unlock. The crew jumped back as the door swung wide open.
The crew looked at Miss Adventure in surprise. She was surprised herself but paid no mind to it. What was important was finding a way to use this gateway to the past in order to bring back Jacques, J.P., and the captain.
The room ahead of them was dark and forboding with no sign of what might await them if they entered.
The crew decided to enter all at once and suddenly as they entered the room it began to glow.
Amazingly the room was huge and made entirely out of gold. somehow the walls glowed enough to illuminate the entire room. The amazing thing is that on every wall was sanskrit markings and pictures, but nothing to give the crew any hint that a time machine is here. Miss B. looked at the markings on the doorframe above her and interpreted them as saying,
“Here lies the Gateway to the Past, may it be our guide to a brighter future.”
Puzzled, the crew wondered what it meant.
Since Miss B. and Miss Adventure were the only ones who could interpret the meanings, they set out to translate the writing on the wall.
The crew then sat down outside of the room and waited for Miss A and Miss B to return.
After about 3 hours, the two women returned with some remarkable news.
The “Gateway to the Past” is actually a room dedicated to the history of the people of Atlantis. Every sanskrit/picture records the humble beginnings of a nomadic people who sailed to an island seeking refuge from the war ravaged mainland. Here they set up their own government based on high moral and ethical standards. The people of Atlantis were very intelligent as they pursued scientific knowledge to bring prosperity to themselves instead of pursuing war.
However, their pursuit of science was to be the end of them. Apparently, the people of Atlantis tried to harness the power of the sea currents to provide some sort of electric power. Their experiments caused cataclismic tidal waves that bombarded and eventually buried the city of Atlantis under the sea. The good news is before the city collapsed, a small portion of the royal family set sail with their servants to the mainland.
The most puzzling aspect of the room was a small poem engraved at the end of the wall that reads:
she left us with a quickened pace.
the sea has taken her place.
In the grand hall
where hope is kindled
She must restore
the glory that has dwindled.
For Atlantis sleeps
and her faithful words again,
When Miss B. finished, the explorers sat in silence wondering what to do next.
Upon hearing the translation of the history and poem, Boudreaux (the forgotten crew member who had been filming all of this) remembered something he had noticed when they came in through the building that looked like a temple. There was another place that he had seen that hand-shaped impression. It was on a wall directly adjacent to where they had entered the building. Could this be another portal that could provide clues? Would Miss Adventure’s hand fit the impression? Would they be able to go back in time and save their friends? Would Nessie somehow find her way in and spoil everything? Suspense, excitement, and a strange sense of forboding overwhelmed the group as they went back into the room they first entered through and Miss A placed her hand into the impression on the wall and turned it clockwise…..
in the distance they heard a low rumbling… the sound grew louder and louder as a hidden door opened revealing yet another cavern. The cavern was cloaked in darkness, yet still they could hear the rumblings… louder now. The team quickly pulled out a flashlight and with a sense of foreboding began to investigate. The cavern was quite large with granite walls stretching out beyond the reach of the flashlight. but Perhaps the most interesting this was that the floor was covered in a thick layer of sand which lead down to what could only be described as a lagoon. Scattered here and there along the expanse of the sand was what looked to be giant eggs of some sort. Some appeared to have hatched long ago and others appeared to be fully intact. That’s when they heard it again off to their left down by the waters edge… the low rumble… then silence. With great trepidation the team again went to investigate and was absolutely shocked and amazed to see none other than the J.P., Jacque, and the captain! The three were half buried in sand, and entangled in seaweed and other materials that smelled like bodily waste. The rumbling apparently was coming from J.P.’ stomach! (he hadn’t ate in a while). The adventurers quickly worked to free their friends from their smelly prison and J.P., Jacque, and the captain all relayed their story. J.P. as the team had saw had been swallowed whole, the captain after ramming nessie with the sub had ejected moments before it was destroyed and was also swallowed. Jacque had attempted to use the dynomite on nessie but it had accidently slipped from his hand at the last moment before it detonated (after all it was ‘wet’) and he too had been swallowed whole. The next thing they knew they were here in the dark surrounded by this awful smell, half buried in sand and sea weed. About that time Boudreaux began to laugh… but no one but him knew what was so funny. After finally gaining control of himself Boudreaux explained… He knew how J.P., Jacque, and the captain had ended up here… ‘this’ was the equivelent of a nessies litter box! As this disgusting reality of what had happened set in everyone (with the exception of J.P. Jacque, and captain Ned) laughed uncontrollably. J.P, Jacque, and the captain quickly ran down to the lagoon and began washing as the others continued to explore… a few minutes later still laughing at the whole liter box ordeal, the the sobering thought his one of them. “well if this is nessie’s litter box, then the rest of this place must be nessie’s nesting ground. that would explain all those eggs in the sand…” J.P. spoke up “We’ve GOT to get out of here then! Nessie wont take it too kindly that messing around in here… she’ll be meaner than a She-Bear protecting her cubs. It was at that moment they noticed that J.P. was not in their group… he was down by the waters edge where he had started a small fire and was cooking one of the rather large eggs… Miss B slowly said what they were all thinking… “this is not good!”
Not good indeed. With stealth-like movement, Nessie quickly slithered out of the lagoon. When J.P. heard the others yelling at him to come on, Nessie snapped at him, missing him by mere inches. In all of her excitement, Nessie (whose gender has changed many times in this story) inadvertantly slithered into the fire, causing her to writhe in agony and roar incessantly as she pursued the gang with great speed and anger. As the final adventurer exited the “litter box”, Miss Adventure put her hand back into the wall, turned it counter-clockwise to shut the door (which it did just in the nick of time), but in her haste, turned it far past its original postition in the other direction, causing another door to open adjacent to the door to the “litter box”. The gang approached cautiously to have a peek inside the door and………….
were greeted by the most beautiful sight they had ever seen. The adventurers found themselves on the top of a mountain, overlooking a lush, tropical rainforest with acres of palms, coconut trees, and other plant species that they knew didn’t exist in their modern world.
“How is this possible?” asked J.P. in astonishment.
“This is the time machine” the captain replied. “Not to transport us to where we want to go, but rather to the time of Atlantis’ fall. We are thousands of years in the past! And see that building on the other side of the mountain? That must be Poseidon’s temple!”
“We shouldn’t be here,” Miss Adventure cried. “If what the captain says is true, we can’t mess with history.”
“Oh, don’t be such a pansy,” Jacque spouted. “We’ll never see anything like this again in our lifetime. I’m going exploring!”
And with that Jacque led the way down the mountain into the forest with the others following behind. About halfway down they began to hear sounds coming from deep within the trees, undiscernable at first but quite obvious as they got closer.
“Oh my…” Miss B whispered. “It’s voices! There are people here!”
J.P. replied, “well as long as we’re here just listening to voices i’m gonna finish that nessie egg I cooked… anyone want some? mmmm… tastes like chicken! Jacque looked at him disdainfully a moment before replying… “sure i’ll have a bite” … “hey… it ‘does’ taste like chicken!” 🙂
Once J.P. & Jacque finished their little snack the explorers moved on cautiously toward the sound of voices. They finally spied some of the natives. They seemed to very intelligent and looked not the least bit threatening. Boudreaux (not the quickest in the group) immediately stepped out and said “hello”. To the groups astonishment they replied in English “Welcome, we’ve been expecting you and your group. Would you like to take a tour?” at that everyone else in the group stepped from their hiding place except for Miss B who was not the trusting type. She remained hidden and followed along out of site. She then watched in Horror as the tour ended and each member of the crew was ‘zapped’ with a device reminiscent of the one use in men in black to clear peoples memories. She then listened and interpreted as the atlantians discussed what to do with them. It was finally decided to send them back to their own time to a date before their excursion had began. She stealthily followed the Atlantians as they took the crew to the temple and activated a doorway. This was a true time-machine! One at a time the crew members were sent through this doorway back to their own time. Sadly none of them had any recollection of what had transpired. It was then that Miss B decided to take action. Before the Atlantians noticed her or could stop her and clear her memory she bolted from her hiding place and lunged threw the time machines doorway.
* there was darkness, buzzing sounds and then an intense flash of light!
Miss B opened her eyes and took a moment to clear her head. She was standing at a door. Inside she could hear Pierre and Jacque talking about how fat J.P. was. She knocked on the door and heard Boudreaux exclaim “They’re here”. He opened the door and introduced the other 3 fellows to none other than Miss B. Haven, world known Adventurer Extraordinaire. Pierre was looking at her suspiciously as he’d never heard of Jungles in the Sahara…
Still standing in the doorway and without missing a beat Miss B launched into her story of all that had happened to them. Telling of Captain Ned, the destruction of his sub, their harrowing escape from Nessie, the finding Atlantis in the loch, and the crews capture and subsequent memory erasure. The guys inside the room listened in wide-eyed wonderment of this extraordinay tale. As Miss B finished her story Jacque stood and without saying a word walked across the room to the doorway then slowly closed the door leaving her outside. He caught the eye of the other guys in the room and simultaneously they all said… “Phssshhh… Women!”
On second thought they didn’t feel like going to Scotland after all. Later that evening JP said… “hey check out the polaroid of a big eyeball I found in my pocket!”
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