the moon is broken

The moon is broken.  I won’t bore you with terminology like synodic orbital aberration, lunar coefficients, quantum gravity, nor with using big numbers with way too many significant digits.  I would probably lose readers with such tactics.  Besides, the evidence can be easily seen with the naked eye.  Just last night, only half the moon was lighted; soon, none of it will be visible.  (For some reason, that’s called a “new moon”… I think it should be called “no moon”.)  Sometimes the moon even tries to shine during the day.  Here’s the issue : the moon is supposed to shine at night!

The moon provides night-time light for all the furry little woodland creatures.  They need the light at night to help them scavenge for food and so they won’t run into trees.  The moon is important for other reasons, too, like, um, uhh, we need it to, uhh, hmm… Oh, I know — it helps generate tidal waves for surfers.  But let’s not forget the furry little woodland creatures.  We need to fix the moon for our natural habitat.

When the moon is shining during the day, it’s a total waste.  It contributes absolutely nothing.  And on the nights when it isn’t shining, that helps no one.  (And those cute little furry woodland creatures don’t have flashlights like we do.  And so they have difficulty finding food after dark.  That’s why they come into your subdivision with the streetlights and eat your flowers.)  Think about it — the purpose of the moon is to shine at night.  So obviously it got out of cycle at some point in history.  Now, in the 21st century, we might have the technology to do something about it.

If you have any suggestions on how we should fix the moon cycles, feel free to post them here.  Perhaps someone from NASA will see it and decide to do something more useful for us than collecting space dust or crashing a rocket into a comet.  Maybe one of the few remaining mad scientists will take it upon themselves to solve this issue.  (Whoever accomplishes this will most certainly be famous.  We’ll make sure you get sufficient credit.  And just think — you could very easily land a book deal, probably even a movie if you make it all dramatic and suspenseful.)  Perhaps our own Buffet o’ Blog R&D department can come up with a solution.  It would be fun to try.

So send in your suggestions.  Let’s all work together to make a difference.

15 thoughts on “the moon is broken

  1. Mango-Man

    I dont think we have to do anything… apparently this is already a ‘known issue’. I have heard that after this year ‘daylight savings time will happen a month later. This should fix the whole ‘moon shining in the daytime’ issue… we just need to be sure to let the tiny woodland creatures know about it… maybe we should focus on the best method to do that… I’m not sure how well most of them understand english.

  2. Ill-Tempered Scientist

    Well, if the moon is broken, there is only one thing to do. We should blow up the moon. This should also have the side effect of killing off the furry little woodland creatures (FLWC). And as many of you know, the FLWC have long attempted to destroy mankind. With one stroke, we could wipe out this cute menace. Then, once they are gone we can make a new moon, 10x brighter then the old moon and perhaps with a few corporate sponsors. With the increased brightness of the moon, we could then sell moonglasses to simulate old-fashioned night.

  3. Thomas Wayne

    Blowing up the moon would be cool to watch!

    But I don’t know about this : “the FLWC have long attempted to destroy mankind”. I’ve never heard about this… would you care to elaborate? Is that even true, or do you just have a personal vendetta against them? Did a squirrel offend you or scare you at some time in your past and now you’re bitter towards them? You can share your traumatized feelings here…

    I’d rather not have corporate sponsors’ ads on the moon. But if it’s inevitable, perhaps we could have it say “Buffet o’ Blog” on there… that would be cool.

  4. Ill-Tempered Scientist

    You doubt the evil of the FLWC?? Haven’t you seen the insurance comercial where a squirrel runs across the road, causing a car (obviously driven by a woman) to swerve and crash in an attempt to avoid running over the FLWC. After the crash, the FLWC is shown celebrating with another FLWC. This is clear evidence of a systematic attack on mankind by FLWC.

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  6. Thomas Wayne

    A while back I came across a petition to blow up the moon. Some of the comments are crude, so I hesitate to even link to it, but I find it interesting that over 700 signatures have been added to this petition. Apparently a number of people know it’s broken. I don’t know that blowing it up is the best solution, but something needs to be done.

  7. Mr. Destructo

    I don’t have a problem with blowing up the moon — I’ve actually thought about it myself a few times. But you must be careful in such endeavors. Only trained professionals (such as myself) should be setting this up. Do not try this at home.

    See, the problem is that the explosion will probably create rather large fragments, some of which will fly towards Earth. A fragment as small as one kilometer across might be enough to wipe out all life on Earth, depending on certain side-effects that it would trigger (like nuclear winter, super-tsunamis, volcanoes, earthquakes, etc.). The moon is 3,474 km in diameter, so the likelihood of producing a chunk over 1 km wide would be high. That’s why only highly trained and skilled destruction professionals should be involved. (This info references “Asteroid and Comet Collisions with Earth” by Owen B. Toon, Kevin Zahnle, and David Morrison, posted at NASA’s Ames Research Center. You can also read more at The Straight Dope by Cecil Adams : potential side-effects of blowing up the moon.)

    If the price is right, I will complete this mission for you. I have some newly-developed, revolutionary techniques using complex nodular concretion vaporization algorithms, which would be great for lunar destruction.

  8. Scientific Observer

    I think we should run a rope from some state like…. wyoming and attach it to the moon. This way the moon would stay in front of the US only and we could kill off the FLWC’s in Russia which are the evil ones. If you look real closely on the commercial with the squirrel it has a scicle and moon shaved into the side of it’s head….. you have to look really really hard to see it.

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