why beans give you gas

You never know when you might be on the brink of a new scientific discovery.  I mean, science happens all the time, even if you’re not looking for it.  So you have to keep your mind open to new hypotheses and theories.

The other night I was reheating some Taco Soup.  It features beef, corn, hominy, pinto beans, kidney beans, and various seasonings like taco seasoning, Ranch seasoning, and Rotel.  (And it’s really scrumptious — much better than any normal soup.  You add cheese, tortilla chips, and sour cream to it.  Mmm…)  Anyway, it has two types of beans in it, as I listed.  I was reheating a bowl of it that was leftover, and I covered the bowl with wax paper.  It was a good thing I covered it, because some of the beans exploded!

So where does science come into this?  Well, I’m not a scientist, but I have stayed at a Holiday Inn Express.  So here’s what happened.  Beans don’t normally explode at room temperature, but when they became hot and pressurized, they exploded.  And then I realized that must be what happens when we eat them!  Our bodies run at a temperature around 98.6 degrees, which is quite warm.  And as our digestive system is breaking down the food, there’s a lot of pressure inside.  So while your body processes the beans, they overheat and over-pressurize, which causes them to explode inside you.  And that explosion has to find an outlet, or there will be much discomfort in your stomach.  As you guessed, the outlet is your butt.

I never learned that in school, but it makes sense.  Perhaps the teachers were trying to be politically correct and not talk about gas and farting.  Some people get offended about such things, for some reason.  But I have no reason to hold back here, so I present my unvarnished scientific hypothesis.

Now you know…

Maybe next time I’ll figure out why beans are good for your heart…  🙂

viewer mail, issue #12

It’s been a while since we’ve opened the viewer mailbag, so let’s do this.  First, we’re going to answer an actual message sent to us via our contact form, by Neil:

very cool are you selling or anything?

Well, Neil, currently this blog is not for sale.  Though for enough money, we might consider it.  (We’ll entertain any offer, regardless of size, so don’t be afraid to ask.)  Also, we don’t currently sell any merchandise, although I’d like for that to change.  If we can come up with a cool logo, we could get some T-shirts printed, for all our super-fans to buy and wear proudly.  🙂

Now we’ll look at some of the search terms that have brought people to this blog.  These are actual search terms, not modified in any way.  We’re going to give you answers for what you are searching for.  🙂

  • how to tell a coworker they smell — There are a lot of possible methods for this, but if you want to be discreet and anonymous, you can write a note that says, “You smell like -> ” and put it next to a picture of poop.  Or, if you’re really bold, you can even put some real poop there — that will make a bolder statement and will surely give them something to think about.
  • buffet know-how — Are you looking for a tutorial on how to eat at restaurants with a buffet?  Honestly, I never thought one was necessary.  You just eat the food you like, in whatever quantities you want.  The only strategy is to eat fast if you want to maximize food consumption.  I suppose you could also consider which foods are more filling, but really, the purpose of a buffet is that you eat what you want.
  • what men do in bathrooms dynomite — While there are certain scenarios where creating explosions using dynamite would be fun in a bathroom, most of them are quite dangerous and probably illegal.  So usually there isn’t any dynamite being used — it just sounds like it.  🙂
  • bad farts cause headache — My research does not support this hypothesis.  Has anyone else done any research in this area?
  • cholesterol in wendy’s bacon hamburger — Are you referring to the infamous Baconator?  I know about it, because I ate one in the name of research.  🙂  If you want the nutritional information, you can get it easily enough.  Wendy’s is required to give you this information if you ask, and it’s on their website, but first you need to ask yourself if you really want to know.  I mean, you already know it’s not healthy — it’s a fast-food double cheeseburger with six strips of bacon on it.  If you’re wanting to eat healthy, you should not even be tempting yourself with looking up this information.
  • “ferment beans” — Why would you want to do that?  Are you trying to make an alcoholic beverage that tastes like beans and has the associated side-effects?  I don’t recommend it.  Or do you want to make refried beans that make you “tankered up” (drunk)?  Again, I don’t recommend this.
  • i think your super — Y’know, I’m not surprised this search term found me.  I’m super in more ways than you know.  But to whoever did that search, you might should work on your grammar — it’s not cool to use words incorrectly (unless it’s on purpose).
  • CRAYONS AND BLOOD PRESSURE — This seems random, but that’s what we specialize in here.  🙂  This phrase could be parsed a couple of different ways, so I will answer both.  1) Eating crayons probably doesn’t help your blood pressure, and it may make it worse because bad things might be going on inside your body while you digest and pass crayons.  Just don’t eat them.  The other alternative: 2) coloring with crayons can be relaxing, so that could help lower your blood pressure.  I know, coloring is often looked at as a children’s pastime, but it can still be fun, even for adults.  If you’re one of those thinking coloring is childish, YOU SHOULD QUIT BEING SO OLD!  Try it…

With that last piece of advice, I will wrap up this week’s issue of viewer mail.  (Ironically, this series isn’t published weekly, probably closer to monthly, but it could be done weekly because of all the visitors we have here.  But there’s so much other cool stuff to write on, that this series sometimes get neglected.  It’s like I just start typing and randomness overflows.  You may wonder why I don’t publish multiple times per day, then.  Well, I could, but I have stuff to do.  That is, I have a life (plus another blog).  If someone were to make donations, I could easily justify writing more.  But I digress…)

the special days of January, pt 1

It’s now January, so we are going to continue our tradition of looking at the specials days and holidays of the month.  This is not a complete list — those can be found elsewhere — but I guarantee you won’t find another list like this.  As always, our unique commentary and humorous analysis will be interspersed amidst the listing.  Let us begin with the month-long celebrations :

  • National Hobby Month — Hobbies are a good way to relax from the stresses of life.  Reading can be a good hobby.  Reading this blog is an even better hobby.  🙂
  • Hot Tea Month — I prefer iced tea with a considerable amount of sugar, but to each their own.  Either way, tea is awesome.
  • National Staying Healthy Month — I prefer to observe this one every month…
  • National Thank You Month — It seems like this should be in November, because of Thanksgiving.  But it doesn’t hurt to be thankful on other occasions, too.  In fact, I’m thankful now that you’re reading my blog!  🙂

Now let’s look at individual day-long holidays and celebrations :

  • 1 New Year’s Day — You already know about this one.  There’s lots of parties (which begin the day before), and it’s a great excuse to eat a lot before you start that diet that’s part of your New Year’s resolutions.
  • 2 Run up the Flagpole and See if Anyone Salutes Day — Huh?  If you can run up a flagpole, that’s pretty impressive!  Actually, the phrase means to be creative and float an idea to see what people think.
  • 3 Festival of Sleep Day — This is what I’m talking about!  It’s a day for sleeping!  It’s on a weekday this year, and of course sleeping at work is not recommended, but if I understand the true spirit of the holiday, you should stay at home and sleep through work.  (We need more holidays like this!)
  • 3 Fruitcake Toss Day — Sounds interesting, if you were unfortunate enough to receive a fruitcake as a gift.  But it’s probably not good to throw it at somebody, because those things can be hard as a rock.
  • 4 Trivia Day — Did you know that this blog is the #1 humor website?  (This may be obscure trivia to some, but follow the link for more details.)
  • 6 Bean Day — This is a day for eating an extra helping of beans, however you like them — refried, BBQ’d, whatever.  And you should eat more beans anyway — I hear they’re good for your heart…  🙂
  • 7 Old Rock Day — Uhh… I’m not sure about this one.  I reckon it means you should appreciate old rocks.  But I don’t know why.  Although I suppose diamonds and jewels are rocks.
  • 8 Bubble Bath Day — Ah, the bubble bath…  I remember taking those when I was a kid, pouring way too much Mr. Bubble into the bathtub.  And being a kid, why would I care if the bubbles overflowed into the floor?  I mean, it got cleaned up somehow.  🙂  Unfortunately, most adults forget about the fun of taking a bubble bath, so this is the day to give it another try, to relive memories from your childhood, to find your inner child, and to go back to a time when life was simple and fun.
  • 9 Play God Day — This isn’t a good idea.  While God does has a sense of humor, He doesn’t appreciate people pretending to be a god.  And God isn’t someone we should push the limits on.
  • 9 National Static Electricity Day — This is the day to wear wool sweaters or whatever stirs up static electricity, so you can shock people.  But be careful, because you can overdo it on this.  There was a man in Australia who caught carpet on fire and melted some plastic because his clothes generated so much static electricity.  He was wearing a synthetic nylon jacket and a woolen shirt.  While having that much electricity is kinda neat, there could be some side-effects you might not want to endure.
  • 10 Peculiar People Day — This is a day in honor of people who are unique, extraordinary, unusual, odd, uncommon, intriguing, etc.  Basically, it’s in honor of me.  So feel free to send me presents and gift cards.  Or you can just buy me lunch.
  • 11 Step in a Puddle and Splash Your Friends Day — This one is self-explanatory.  Just remember to explain to your friends that it’s an actual holiday, to help them forgive you.
  • 12 Work Harder Day — Let’s just pretend this day doesn’t actually exist.  But, if you’re unable to convince yourself that, remember my motto : work smarter, not harder.

Well, this is getting really long, so I’m going to finish it in the next post.  Stay tuned…

don’t play with your food

I recently had lunch at a local Mexican restaurant with several different couples.  One couple had two children, both boys, and they were having trouble with not getting in trouble.  At one point during the meal, I looked that way, and one of the boys had several small action figures standing in the refried beans on his plate.  He was creating some story to go with them, as kids do, and it was awesome.  But when his dad saw this, he wasn’t very happy at all, and he made his son quit immediately.  I wish he would’ve let him continue.  The toys were already dirty, and it was obvious he was past the eating phase of his meal.

I wanted to take a picture with my cell phone, but there wasn’t time before his dad caught him and made him quit.