You may know that the moon’s gravity creates high tides on Earth, but did you know this happens not only on the side of the Earth the moon is on, but also on the opposite side? Why is that? I discussed this unusual phenomenon with an important scientist, and he concluded there is a second moon, which is hidden from our view. (You heard it here first!) We aren’t sure why there’s a second moon, nor why it is cloaked from our view, but obviously it means there’s some treachery afoot.
So, somehow, someone has created a second moon (perhaps like a Death Star) for nefarious purposes. Since it orbits exactly opposite of the known moon, it stands to reason that they are in league with each other. We’ve known for a while that the moon is broken, but we didn’t know why. Well, perhaps some aliens were installing moon bases on it, which got it off course. Perhaps their highly-advanced technology skews the dispersion of gravity from it. Whatever the exact explanation is, this is bad.
With two moons, these aliens are able to spy on us at all times. This can’t be a good thing, either. Something must be done. We need to create a Moon Reclamation Task Force. I will lead this organization, since I first discovered this conspiracy theory. I’ll need a few trusty minions to carry out top-secret research, and I’ll need billions of dollars in government grants to fund our covert operations. Leave a comment on this post if you wish to apply for a position.
Stay tuned to this blog for any breaking developments in this story.
Buffet o' Blog 
Thomas Wayne
Maybe there’s some truth to that “man in the moon” myth… 🙂
Thomas Wayne
Will the minions be paid well? If so, I’m interested. I like research, I like getting paid well, and I’d like to blow up the moon (should it come to that).
Buffet o' Blog Administrator
All minions who do their job well will be rewarded handsomely. They will have a good salary, plus there will be lots of other benefits :
* free, unlimited sweet tea
* free snacks (such as Oreos and Cheetos)
* relaxed work atmosphere, where breaks are encouraged and required
* casual dress every day
* free nachos Mondays (to help get the week started better)
And so on… Basically, it’s a fun place to work. And you get to work with me, which is priceless. 🙂 And you might even get to save the world, which is also priceless. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
Xangrilah Emissary
Dear Earthlings,
Rejoice, for I am corresponding with you!
Bask in the privilege of our communication with one another.
We are continually amazed at the effort taken by your species to solve things which need not solving. Keep in mind that the natural geo-physical properties of your planet are so unique it is astounding that life can even be supported without intervention from some higher intelligence (besides our own).
Nonetheless, if you need answers then we, the Xangrilangrians, will provide them for you.
Read closely because you do not want to miss out on this glorious revelation that continues to ,apparently, confound your species.
Tides are caused by….. gravity.
Yes, I know what your thinking.
but you were asking for it.
To the betterment of all,
Xangrilah Emissary
Thomas Wayne
Yes, it’s gravity. Duh! But it’s the moon’s gravity. Even I know that, and I didn’t pay attention in school…
See, if you look at the picture above, the moon’s gravity pulls the tide to the left, yet the tide on the right is also affected, so obviously there’s something else going on there…
Mr. Destructo
Using a Cartesian plane, I mapped out the high and low tides versus the orbit and rotation of the moon. I compared the lunar coefficients of each variation in tide levels, creating marks of a different color for each linear skid exceeding standard deviation. I think you’re on to something here, because the data just doesn’t add up correctly.
Thomas Wayne
I just created a “map” with some skid marks of a different color… heh heh
Thomas Wayne
If people refuse to accept this conspiracy theory of the second moon, then that puts us at risk of alien invasion that we are unprepared for. So there would be only one thing left to do — blow up the moon. See, if we explode the moon, then scientists would notice there is still a tide, but only on one side of the planet, and they’d investigate why that is so. Then they might listen to this theory and consider it.