NASA announced last week that extraterrestrial life has been found… in California. If you’re expecting a big, scary alien, you’re going to be massively disappointed. It’s just some microscopic bacteria living in mud by a lake. Although, as one scientist on TV pointed out, they look like potatoes if you zoom in enough.
Although, if evolution were true, then that bacteria could develop a brain and a body, and it might eventually enslave us all. So maybe we should wipe it out now, while we are more evolved than it. We might not have millions of years — some things mutate faster than others. I’ve seen “documentaries” that show how crazy such things can get. And you know the scientists that have this bacteria will expose it to all kinds of chemicals in their testing, and what if that’s all part of the plan? What if a certain element on Earth gives it superpowers like Superman? Someone has to consider these things…
Actually, we might need to fear more than just the aliens themselves. What if some power-starved human or wild animal decides to join forces? They might eat or absorb this alien life force and mutate into some super-human being! What if they get super powers because of it? The time to act is now! And so we need a government grant to research and contain this. I figure a few billion dollars would be sufficient — you can’t be too careful!
I know, some of you may wonder if the Buffet o’ Blog staff is qualified for such a task. The answer is MOST DEFINITELY! We would have the best weaponry possible, and we would contain (and potentially destroy) this alien life form. We would also develop numerous “worst case” scenarios, along with the best plan of offense and defense. And to test such systems before they are needed, we would run thousands of advanced computer simulations of us defending off alien invasions. We are obviously the right people for this job. So if the government will just send the necessary funds our way, we can get started on this most important task.
Somebody has to save the world…
Now we’ll continue the list of the special days and holidays of March, which we started yesterday.
- 12 Girl Scouts Day — They do sell some good cookies, like the Samoas and Thin Mints.
- 12 Plant a Flower Day — I don’t care so much about this, but we do have a certain reader who has a serious interest in flowers (which he denies).
- 14 Learn about Butterflies Day — Okay, here goes. Some butterflies can taste with their feet. I’m sure glad we can’t! Imagine sitting down to eat a good meal but tasting your socks after a long day…
- 14 National Potato Chip Day — Yeah, here we go! On this day, you should eat lots of potato chips. Of course, choosing one single variety can be difficult, so eat however many kinds you want. Also, remember that diets don’t apply on holidays. 🙂
- 14 National Pi Day — No, that’s not a typo. This is Pi Day because the date is 3/14, or 3.14.
- 15 Everything You Think is Wrong Day — I know some people who live this every day!
- 15 Incredible Kid Day — I don’t have any kids, but I was once an incredible kid, myself. Now I’m even more incredible, because I’ve learned to control my super powers. I wonder if there’s an incredible adult day? Or a day to celebrate superheroes? If not, there should be!
- 15 Dumbstruck Day — Would you be dumbstruck if I told you “MY BUTT IS ON FIRE!”? No? Me neither, because it’s not. But it’s a funny phrase, and it’s a good example of this holiday. Your goal on this day is to make people dumbstruck. So say things that aren’t expected, to try to make people speechless and/or to get that “deer in the headlights” look. You get bonus points if they say, “Uhh”, three or more times. 🙂
- 16 Everything You Do is Right Day — Some people think this concept applies to them at all times, but no one is always right. Politicians especially need to realize this valuable truth, because so many of them do stupid things, but they never admit they were stupid or wrong. (Perhaps they never realize it?)
- 17 Submarine Day — Is this referring to the big hero sandwich or the boat? Since I don’t have much use for a submarine-style boat in these parts, I’ll apply this to the sammich. (Do you like that spelling? It’s fun to say it that way.)
- 19 Poultry Day — This seems like a good day to have fried chicken. Or perhaps a casserole dish full of Mexican Chicken. There are a lot of options to consider here… Actually, since there are so many good dishes, this should be a month-long celebration…
- 20 International Earth Day — Be thankful for the Earth today. Living on Earth is much better than living on Mars!
- 20 Extraterrestrial Abductions Day — I would advise against participating in this. While such things might be hypothetical, there’s supposedly some bad things that happen when you’re abducted. Plus, they might not bring you back — you might become their pet!
- 21 Fragrance Day — Everyone has a scent, but that’s not what this day is about. You’re supposed to wear cologne or perfume, to make yourself all good-smelling. However, I’m afraid some of my readers will use this day to “excuse” their other fragrances, like poopourri. *groan*
- 22 National Goof Off Day — This is a holiday that I can really support! We all need a day off occasionally, even a day off for goofing off. Sometimes we burn vacation / PDO days to do projects around the house, but it’s really refreshing to spend a day doing nothing important. Coincidentally, this is the month that Super Smash Bros. Brawl comes out for the Nintendo Wii, and it would be awesome to devote a day to playing that and eating nachos. But feel free to spend the day however you see fit. Just don’t do any real work…
- 23 Toast Day — Let us have a toast to bread, for without bread, there could be no toast. Also, here’s the marketing slogan from The Toast Marketing Board: “Eat more toast.”
- 23 National Chip and Dip Day — Yes! Cheese dip and chips is one of my favorite meals! I know, to some it’s not a meal, but they should try it. Sometimes I’ll add some side dishes like chicken strips or taquitos or hot dogs, but they’re not required. It’s especially filling if you make chili-cheese dip, which I usually do. Anyway, on this day, eat lots of nachos / chips and dip. (This holiday should occur every month!)
- 23 Near Miss Day — This day commemorates a near miss by an asteroid the size of a mountain. It came within 500,000 miles of Earth. Perhaps in interstellar terms, that might be close, but it’s not so big of a deal that we should make a holiday of it. Why does the average person care? There are people whose job is to watch all the objects in space that are close to Earth, including all asteroids that will be close at some point.
- 24 Dyngus Day — This is a Polish holiday, where guys chase girls to drench them with squirt guns or buckets of water. This one sounds fun. Perhaps we should adopt this in the U.S.
- 24 National Chocolate Covered Raisin Day — Sounds healthy! Raisins are a fruit, and chocolate is made from cocoa beans, which is a vegetable. And nutritionists say we should eat more fruits and vegetables. So eat all of these you want!
- 25 Pecan Day — I don’t normally eat pecans by themselves, but the holiday doesn’t specify that you have to. You can have some pecan pie, or chocolate-covered pecans.
- 25 Waffle Day — I like food holidays! You should eat lots of waffles, and experiment with different toppings and syrups to add some variety.
- 26 Make Up Your Own Holiday Day — I really like this idea! Everyone should create their own, obviously. I think I’m going to go with something like “Have a paid day off work where you play video games, eat unlimited amounts of chicken-bacon-ranch pizza, have dirt cake for dessert, have nachos for snacks, drink lots of sweet tea, get a massage from your woman every hour, and do whatever else you want day”. 🙂
- 27 National “Joe” Day — This day is for everyone who dislikes their name. On this day you can call yourself “Joe”. I’m thinking instead of limiting it to “Joe”, why not have a day where you can call yourself whatever you want?
- 28 Something on a Stick Day — This should be on the same weekend as Toad Suck Daze, the local festival here in Conway, AR, because they sell almost any food on a stick. One year I tried gator on a stick. (Yeah, it tasted a lot like chicken.)
- 29 Smoke and Mirrors Day — Pay no attention to the man behind the smoke and mirrors!
- 30 I am in Control Day — You can believe this if you want, but it probably won’t make much difference. I suspect this might be a day for people to daydream about being the boss at work, or being in control of your marriage, or for ruling the world.
- 30 Take a Walk in the Park Day — Take a hike, bub!
- 31 Bunsen Burner Day — This may sound like something to do with school, so it may bring back bad memories for some. But try to let go of the past. Where’s there’s a Bunsen Burner, there’s fire. And where there’s fire, you can burn stuff. So this could be rather fun… Just be careful if you’re in a laboratory and you start grabbing random chemicals to put in the fire, because, while explosions are awesome, they’re not quite as cool up close.
- 31 Tater Day — On this day, you eat taters. What’s taters, eh? Po-tay-toes. Boil ’em, mash ’em, stick ’em in a stew. Lovely big golden chips with a nice piece of fried fish.
Well, that concludes our listing of the holidays for March. There was a lot this month. I hope you found some holidays that you can celebrate to make the month a little more special.