This week’s caption contest is late, yet I make no apologies. (And I’ll forewarn you that the next one or two might be late also, because of some major impending changes.) Regardless of all that, here is a picture for you to figure out. A man is being chased by a hippopotamus. What might he be thinking? What could he have done to get in this predicament? What should he do to escape this peril?
(To see our other caption contests, click on the “Say What?” category in the sidebar.)
Buffet o' Blog 
Beppo
What this scene needs is some danger music, with lots of percussion and sharp dynamics…
Thomas Wayne
So you thought you’d kick a hippo’s butt? How’d that work out for ya?
Thomas Wayne
Guy: “If only Thomas Wayne was here, he would know what to do!”
Holiday Inn Express
Cow tipping does not translate well to wild animals. Mainly because there’s no fences beyond which the cow stops chasing you.
Beppo
As a guy named Kenny once said, “know when to walk away, know when to run.”
Beppo
Did you know a hippo can run 30 mph even though they weigh 3,000-7,000 pounds? How is that even possible?
Holiday Inn Express
Momentum.
Thomas Wayne
Momentum? That’s all there is to it? So if I get fatter (more mass = more momentum) then I could run faster? Is that how it works? No offense, but that seems contrary to the laws of physics. You need to show your math before I can believe you.
Holiday Inn Express
Yep, speed increases as a factor of mass and number of legs. As you approach the Mass Per Leg threshold, your speed increases. But once you exceed the MPL, your speed decreases.
For some examples:
Ants are very light, but have a high number of legs. And they are very slow.
As we’ve seen hippos are fairly large, but with a moderate number of legs. And they’re fairly speedy. Take a human of that size, and they’d barely be able to move. But add some robotic legs to the human, and they’re mobile again.
It goes without saying that the secret to faster than light travel is a 500,000 ton elephant, with between 1,400 and 1,500 legs.
Thomas Wayne
I realize you stayed at a Holiday Inn Express and must think you know everything, but your examples still don’t pass muster.
Adding robotic legs to anything could theoretically make it faster, if the mechanics are sufficiently advanced.
A 500,000 ton elephant would sink into the Earth… that’s what, a billion pounds? How can that possibly not exceed your MPL (which you failed to specify, BTW). Are you just pulling this info from your butt?
Gardner's World
Bloke running says: “Ey-up, I think I’ve pulled.”
Crappo the Clown
Since dude obviously can’t outrun a hippo, do you think farting in his face would be a good strategy? Would the hippo get distracted or more angry?
Crappo the Clown
This guy probably needs to find a clean pair of underpants…
Thomas Wayne
Hungry, hungry hippos — it’s not as fun in real life…
Important Linguist
Who came up with the word hippopotamus? Is it supposed to somehow describe a hippo? If you didn’t know what one looked like, what would you expect it to look like by just the name? Weird stuff…
Thomas Wayne
On July 11th, 2003, while gathering coprolite samples in the upper canopy of a kapok tree in the forbidding Cordillera Apolobamba range on the Bolivian/Peruvian border, I flung some poop over my shoulder, hitting this hippo. His response was as you might expect…
Thomas Wayne
And then the surprise party went horribly wrong…
Thomas Wayne
Do not try this at home! (Ironically, I’ve heard there is a family who keeps a pet hippo in the house… seems like a bad idea for many reasons, like when it runs, plus the tail-spinning poop-flinging — which would be cool to see, from a distance; imagine that happening in your house!)
Jdc
This is how somalia trains for london 2012
Thomas Wayne
Sometimes you wish you had just stayed in bed…
Siddharth Kaushal
the person must be thanking god that that only 1chip was left in the hippo chips packet &he could manage this in just the nick of time