viewer mail, issue #16

It’s long past time for another issue of viewer mail.  As usual, I take some of the actual search terms that led people to this blog, and I provide the information they were looking for.  Well, there’s no guarantee it’s the actual info they wanted, but hopefully it’ll be funny.  🙂  I may not know everything (just 98%, give or take 3%), but I know humor.  But enough about my extensive reserves of knowledge!  Let’s get to the search terms.

* “laughing is important” — I completely agree!  And science agrees also.  Some studies suggest that laughing heartily every day can add 7 years to your life.  So obviously laughing is important!  That’s why I write on this blog — to help people laugh, which promotes good physical and mental health.  So subscribe to the blog, for your health’s sake!   🙂  And tell your friends about it!

Barack Obama tossing a football in his office* will people realize obama is a joke — I’ve wondered this myself, thinking perhaps all of President Barack Obama’s strange doings were part of some huge April Fools joke.  But that day has come and gone, and there was no announcement.  I’m afraid this is reality, that Obama will be the U.S. President through 2012.   He’s who the people wanted.   (I won’t say he won fair and square, because of ACORN type groups, but McCain sure helped him out with a poorly planned campaign.)  Let’s just hope Obama doesn’t make too many changes to America.  People want some change, such as removing corruption and increasing transparency and fixing the economy, and so far Obama has not given us that type of change (despite his campaign promises).

* arguing teddy bears — Normally teddy bears are passive, peaceful creatures, choosing to bring comfort to little children everywhere, so if yours are arguing, then there’s some problems.   Usually all you have to do to keep them happy is hug them.  If all else fails, you could let them fight it out.   I realize that sounds violent, but teddy bears don’t have claws, and they are plushy, so no harm will come to them.  Perhaps letting them release their aggression is the solution you are looking for.  Then again, arguing and fighting is no in their nature, so perhaps you are exposing them to too much of that stuff… maybe you should look in the mirror for your solution… 😮

obese-man* all you can eat belly — Well, if it isn’t obvious, here’s a picture.  But know that this is only after repeated use.  Enjoying all-you-can-eat buffets no more than once per week should be okay, but going there every day or two will lead to being fat.  There’s been a lot of research on this, which should be obvious.

* ice cream nachos — One might assume that combining two of mankind’s greatest food inventions would be a sure thing, but in this case it might not be.  I haven’t tried it, nor do I plan to.   Here’s what I recommend: eat your nachos, drink lots of sweet tea, and THEN eat your ice cream (topped with Oreos and/or Hershey’s Syrup).  Stay with that plan, and you can’t hardly go wrong.  (Well, don’t do this every day, for reasons illustrated by the previous topic.)

* build your own particle accelerator — This would be interesting, if you had the tools to conduct the research these are typically used for.  Hopefully you are searching for educational purposes only — this should not be used as a weapon.  Some scientists are concerned that high-powered particle accelerators could theoretically create black holes, which could obviously be dangerous, since they are the deadliest force in the universe.  Which, of course, means they are not a toy.

* can a man wear black bel and brown shoes — What kind of question is that?  Of course, a man can wear a black belt with brown shoes.  Men aren’t required to follow fashion trends nor to follow those imaginary rules concerning what matches and what doesn’t.  Besides, black matches everything.   🙂  Women pay more mind to these rules, and from what I’ve heard, they tend to judge each other very critically over those non-written fashion rules.  But with men it’s a different story.  In most cases, a guy’s friends won’t even notice what he’s wearing.  Besides, men need to reassert themselves and wear what they like and what is comfortable.

That’s all, folks!   Stay tuned for the next exciting episode, same blog time, same blog channel.

voting should be more fun

This is the day that most of the nation goes to the polls to vote.  Not only is it the Presidential election, but various other political offices, too.  So obviously it’s important.  Every citizen should vote.  And it stands to reason that if you don’t vote, you shouldn’t have the right to complain about who gets elected.

But just because something is important, that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t also be fun!  Either some people don’t see it that way, or they haven’t realized how much better it would be if it were also fun.  (If they don’t believe me, then they’re just wrong.)

People would be more likely to vote if it didn’t involve hours and hours of standing in line with absolutely nothing going on.  I’ve been through this, and it gets boring FAST!  You have thousands of bored people standing around, the smell of body odor accumulating in the place (because there’s never a fresh breeze, for whatever reason), and the boringness of it just multiplies and spreads.

So here’s some ideas:

  • Have a talent competition, with the judges being people waiting in line.  Contestants in the competition have to be people who are there to vote.
  • Have a cell phone ringtone competition.  (I would win that one, but I wouldn’t always be there, so other people will get to win some, too.)
  • Have a concession stand (that doesn’t charge rip-off prices).  Have a drawing for free nachos every hour.
  • Have arcade machines that can be played for free, where you play for a minute then the next person in line continues the game.

I could go on, but you get the idea.  If you have any ideas, put it in the comments section.

the special days of March, pt 2

Now we’ll continue the list of the special days and holidays of March, which we started yesterday.

  • 12 Girl Scouts Day — They do sell some good cookies, like the Samoas and Thin Mints.
  • 12 Plant a Flower Day — I don’t care so much about this, but we do have a certain reader who has a serious interest in flowers (which he denies).
  • 14 Learn about Butterflies Day — Okay, here goes.  Some butterflies can taste with their feet.  I’m sure glad we can’t!  Imagine sitting down to eat a good meal but tasting your socks after a long day…
  • 14 National Potato Chip Day — Yeah, here we go!  On this day, you should eat lots of potato chips.  Of course, choosing one single variety can be difficult, so eat however many kinds you want.  Also, remember that diets don’t apply on holidays.  🙂
  • 14 National Pi Day — No, that’s not a typo.  This is Pi Day because the date is 3/14, or 3.14.
  • 15 Everything You Think is Wrong Day — I know some people who live this every day!
  • 15 Incredible Kid Day — I don’t have any kids, but I was once an incredible kid, myself.  Now I’m even more incredible, because I’ve learned to control my super powers.  I wonder if there’s an incredible adult day?  Or a day to celebrate superheroes?  If not, there should be!
  • 15 Dumbstruck Day — Would you be dumbstruck if I told you “MY BUTT IS ON FIRE!”?  No?  Me neither, because it’s not.  But it’s a funny phrase, and it’s a good example of this holiday.  Your goal on this day is to make people dumbstruck.  So say things that aren’t expected, to try to make people speechless and/or to get that “deer in the headlights” look.  You get bonus points if they say, “Uhh”, three or more times.  🙂
  • 16 Everything You Do is Right Day — Some people think this concept applies to them at all times, but no one is always right.  Politicians especially need to realize this valuable truth, because so many of them do stupid things, but they never admit they were stupid or wrong.  (Perhaps they never realize it?)
  • 17 Submarine Day — Is this referring to the big hero sandwich or the boat?  Since I don’t have much use for a submarine-style boat in these parts, I’ll apply this to the sammich.  (Do you like that spelling?  It’s fun to say it that way.)
  • 19 Poultry Day — This seems like a good day to have fried chicken.  Or perhaps a casserole dish full of Mexican Chicken.  There are a lot of options to consider here…  Actually, since there are so many good dishes, this should be a month-long celebration…
  • 20 International Earth Day — Be thankful for the Earth today.  Living on Earth is much better than living on Mars!
  • alien20 Extraterrestrial Abductions Day — I would advise against participating in this.  While such things might be hypothetical, there’s supposedly some bad things that happen when you’re abducted.  Plus, they might not bring you back — you might become their pet!
  • 21 Fragrance Day — Everyone has a scent, but that’s not what this day is about.  You’re supposed to wear cologne or perfume, to make yourself all good-smelling.  However, I’m afraid some of my readers will use this day to “excuse” their other fragrances, like poopourri.  *groan*
  • 22 National Goof Off Day — This is a holiday that I can really support!  We all need a day off occasionally, even a day off for goofing off.  Sometimes we burn vacation / PDO days to do projects around the house, but it’s really refreshing to spend a day doing nothing important.  Coincidentally, this is the month that Super Smash Bros. Brawl comes out for the Nintendo Wii, and it would be awesome to devote a day to playing that and eating nachos.  But feel free to spend the day however you see fit.  Just don’t do any real work…
  • 23 Toast Day — Let us have a toast to bread, for without bread, there could be no toast.  Also, here’s the marketing slogan from The Toast Marketing Board: “Eat more toast.”
  • 23 National Chip and Dip Day — Yes!  Cheese dip and chips is one of my favorite meals!  I know, to some it’s not a meal, but they should try it.  Sometimes I’ll add some side dishes like chicken strips or taquitos or hot dogs, but they’re not required.  It’s especially filling if you make chili-cheese dip, which I usually do.  Anyway, on this day, eat lots of nachos / chips and dip.  (This holiday should occur every month!)
  • 23 Near Miss Day — This day commemorates a near miss by an asteroid the size of a mountain.  It came within 500,000 miles of Earth.  Perhaps in interstellar terms, that might be close, but it’s not so big of a deal that we should make a holiday of it.  Why does the average person care?  There are people whose job is to watch all the objects in space that are close to Earth, including all asteroids that will be close at some point.
  • 24 Dyngus Day — This is a Polish holiday, where guys chase girls to drench them with squirt guns or buckets of water.  This one sounds fun.  Perhaps we should adopt this in the U.S.
  • 24 National Chocolate Covered Raisin Day — Sounds healthy!  Raisins are a fruit, and chocolate is made from cocoa beans, which is a vegetable.  And nutritionists say we should eat more fruits and vegetables.  So eat all of these you want!
  • 25 Pecan Day — I don’t normally eat pecans by themselves, but the holiday doesn’t specify that you have to.  You can have some pecan pie, or chocolate-covered pecans.
  • 25 Waffle Day — I like food holidays!  You should eat lots of waffles, and experiment with different toppings and syrups to add some variety.
  • 26 Make Up Your Own Holiday Day — I really like this idea!  Everyone should create their own, obviously.  I think I’m going to go with something like “Have a paid day off work where you play video games, eat unlimited amounts of chicken-bacon-ranch pizza, have dirt cake for dessert, have nachos for snacks, drink lots of sweet tea, get a massage from your woman every hour, and do whatever else you want day”.  🙂
  • 27 National “Joe” Day — This day is for everyone who dislikes their name.  On this day you can call yourself “Joe”.  I’m thinking instead of limiting it to “Joe”, why not have a day where you can call yourself whatever you want?
  • 28 Something on a Stick Day — This should be on the same weekend as Toad Suck Daze, the local festival here in Conway, AR, because they sell almost any food on a stick.  One year I tried gator on a stick.  (Yeah, it tasted a lot like chicken.)
  • 29 Smoke and Mirrors Day — Pay no attention to the man behind the smoke and mirrors!
  • 30 I am in Control Day — You can believe this if you want, but it probably won’t make much difference.  I suspect this might be a day for people to daydream about being the boss at work, or being in control of your marriage, or for ruling the world.
  • 30 Take a Walk in the Park Day — Take a hike, bub!
  • 31 Bunsen Burner Day — This may sound like something to do with school, so it may bring back bad memories for some.  But try to let go of the past.  Where’s there’s a Bunsen Burner, there’s fire.  And where there’s fire, you can burn stuff.  So this could be rather fun…  Just be careful if you’re in a laboratory and you start grabbing random chemicals to put in the fire, because, while explosions are awesome, they’re not quite as cool up close.
  • 31 Tater Day — On this day, you eat taters.  What’s taters, eh?  Po-tay-toes.  Boil ’em, mash ’em, stick ’em in a stew.  Lovely big golden chips with a nice piece of fried fish.

Well, that concludes our listing of the holidays for March.  There was a lot this month.  I hope you found some holidays that you can celebrate to make the month a little more special.