Some of the scientists in our resident R&D department have been conducting their own independent research lately, and they’ve come up with a great new product. It’s a new shampoo just for men. Now before you tune out because this sounds boring and mundane, hear me out. This is no ordinary shampoo. Let me explain.
Our new 3-in-1 shampoo plus conditioner is specially formulated, strong enough for a man, and pH-balanced for men. (Yes, men have pH-balances, too, but nobody seems to care.) This incredible new shampoo has been fortified with 12 essential vitamins and minerals, and is part of a healthy shower. It’s not yet FDA-approved to be part of a healthy breakfast, but recent tests has proven that laboratory rats prefer the taste of it 5-to-1 compared to the national leading brand. Why would it be tasty? We have a secret ingredient. The shampoo has been carefully formulated based on a cocoa butter extract. I realize a few other brands have said this, but ours is made from actual cocoa beans and leaves. (And they are fresh — hand-collected every morning by Juan Valdez and his trusty goat.)
The cocoa has multiple positive effects, which makes this product truly revolutionary. It makes it quite tasty, if I may say so myself. And it gives you a small caffeine boost to help you get going in the morning (even when used just as a shampoo, because it soaks in). But here’s the innovative part — it gives your hair a scent that has its foundations in chocolate. Your hair won’t directly smell like chocolate, but it’s close enough that women will get excited when they smell it. They may not realize that it is related to chocolate, but they will know it smells good. And so this gives you bonus “points” with your woman (or helps you draw women if you’re single). Who wouldn’t want that?
We will begin taking orders soon. And be sure to watch for our new cocoa-based mouthwash, which will freshen your breath and also draw women toward your mouth.
Buffet o' Blog 
AGOC
Now if my farts could only smell like chocolate, my woman would be drawn to my butt, although my wife says I have no butt. My response to that is, “All that stank is coming from somewhere, Babe and it sure ain’t just a bad case of smelly hips!”
Thomas Wayne
I remember seeing a fake commercial on the show “In Living Color” where this product made your farts smell like new car scent. The guy in the car cut a silent one, then his girlfriend said, “Is this a new car?” It was great…
Bowels Aflame
The only time my farts ever smelled like new car scent was when I was so hungry I ate my car’s leather upholstery and my fuzzy dice for dessert.
Thomas Wayne
Mr. Flaming Bowels (or whatever),
Now that is random! I give you +1 original randomness points.
BoB R&D dept.
This product has now become “new and improved”. Our scientists have added a new feature : scrubbing bubbles. Now you just put it in your hair, and the patent-pending scrubbing bubbles cleanse your hair while you relax in the hot water (or wash elsewhere to save time). The effervescence also produces a tingling sensation, so you know it’s working. These new features are available at no extra charge. Just look for version 1.1 of our infamous shampoo, at fine retailers everywhere.
~ Buffet o’ Blog Research & Development department
Ill-Tempered Scientist
I for one applaud the addition of scrubbing bubbles. Independent testing with both version 1.0 of this shampoo and with an unscented imitation brand (which used regular butter in place of coco butter) left subjects with an odd, greasy feeling; almost like they had just washed their hair with butter.
Chick Magnet
I washed my hair with a honey-scented shampoo and was nearly killed by a pack of wild Pooh Bears. Or, did I wash my hair with pooh scented shampoo and nearly get killed by a pack of wild honey bears. Or, did I wash my hair with realpoo (not sham-poo) and nearly get killed by a pack of wild honey bees? I don’t really remember the specifics. I do know that, gee my hair smelled terriffic and attracted all manner of wild creatures. But not wild chicks like that chocolate-based stuff from B.o.B., L.L.C. Now, my hair brings in the wild honeys (and I ain’t talking bees or bears)! Thanks, B.o.B.!
Bubba
I sho’ likes me some of that new-fangled cocoa shampoo! Now my hair is all shiny and happy. And I tried putting some on my pancakes, and it ain’t that bad… (But it is kinda pricey for syrup.)
I’m glad I ain’t tried none of that “realpoo” stuff… man, somebody sho’ got ripped off! I ain’t puttin’ no crap in my hair, no sirree! I might fling a cow pattie at my brother Darrell or my other brother Darryl, but that’s funny.
Be sure you get the authenic B.o.B. shampoo — look for the logo with Juan Valdez and his trusty goat. That’s a sign of quality!
Generic Product Researcher
After numerous attempts to ascertain the correct formula to accurately reproduce the B.o.B. Tangle Free Not-so-overtly-choclatey Turbo Charged Effervessing Scrubbing Bubbles Added Tingling Version 1.1 Shampoo Plus Conditioner, we have yet to determine the key ingredient to convert our version from realpoo to shampoo. Maybe it has something to do with Mr. Valdez and his trusty goat?
Thomas Wayne
Don’t you know? Here, watch this video — it will explain.
Plus, don’t use realpoo in your shampoo… there’s a big difference between crappy and clean.
Generic Product Researcher
Maybe it’s just me or maybe it’s the lighting, but that trusty goat looked an aweful lot like a trusty burro. Is that a 100% Colombian goat or something?
Also, thanks for the advice on not using realpoo in our shampoo. That may make the difference in the smell and the explosive volatility that accompanied our previous attempts at duplicating your product. Maybe I should hire Important Evil Genius, E.D. to put the final touches on this product so when your patent expires, we can be ready to go to market. He’s good at mixing up strange chemical compounds that never actually explode. 🙂
Thomas Wayne
> that trusty goat looked an aweful lot like a trusty burro. Is that a 100% Colombian goat or something?
As far as you know… 🙂
I would avoid that “Important” Evil Genius E.D. fellow… he talks a lot, but I think he’s a FRAUD. If you recall, he was wanting to use pickles to conquer the world, or something stupid like that. He’d probably try to put pickles in your shampoo, and that would definitely not sell well. You’d probably get sued, too. I know I’m offended by pickles!
Bubba
Here’s why you don’t want to use none of that generic brand shampoo — some boys developed breasts by using a certain type of shampoo! It had lavender oil or somethin in it… the article explains.