Category: Random

genuine woolly mammoth hair for sale

You can buy some genuine woolly mammoth hair on eBay for $7.95 plus $2.00 First Class shipping.  It even comes with a certificate of authenticity.

The seller actually has good reviews and has been an eBay member since ’99.  This just doesn’t add up…

I was discussing this with the Buffet o’ Blog staff, and we figured out one possible use for it:

What, are you going to try and clone a woolly mammoth from the hair?  ‘Cause if you do, I’d like one.  I’d get a saddle for it, ride it into work.  How’s that for a hybrid?

Hybrid driver: My car gets 80 mpg.
Mammoth rider: My mammoth just (crapped on/stepped on/picked up and threw) your car.

I’d like to have my own woolly mammoth, although I’m not sure I could afford to feed him.  And keeping him in line might be difficult.  I’d hire the Dog Whisperer and tell him this is an old breed.  It would surely help the ratings for his show if he could make a woolly mammoth submit!

methane contributes to global warming

There are companies now selling “carbon credits”, making billions of dollars.  But carbon is not the only element contributing to global warming.  Researchers say methane is 23 times more potent than carbon dioxide in trapping heat in the atmosphere.  As we discussed in the last post, cows contribute significantly to global warming via the methane they produce with their flatulence.  But I’m willing to overlook that, because they play an important role in my diet.

However, there are some people who produce an undue amount of methane, way more than normal.  These people are not only polluting the immediate atmosphere, but they are contributing to global warming.  Of course, some of them might get offended if I told them they had to quit passing gas and belching so much, and you could argue that I would be infringing on their rights.  So I’ve found a good solution.  Effective immediately, I will be selling methane credits.  That’s right, for a small fee (paid to me), you can pass gas all you want, and I will plant trees to offset your personal pollution.  (I will also give you plenty of personal space!)

the special days of August, pt 4

Now we will conclude our listing of the special holidays / celebrations / observances in August:

  • 20 Daydream Day — Okay, here goes…  As soon as I arrive at work, my watch emits a tone on a frequency that only I can hear with my supersonic hearing.  I press a button on it, and when it validates my fingerprint, it displays a video of the Important Evil Genius trying to rebuild his secret lair.  I sneak out of work, rip my shirt off to reveal my super pajamas, and fly away, to save the day once again, before bedtime.  (I could keep going, but you get the idea.)
  • 21 Senior Citizen’s Day — If you’re old and you know it clap your hands!  [clap, clap]  Hey, who turned out the lights?
  • 22 Be an Angel Day — Angels are supernatural beings, existing in the spiritual realm.  They are able to manifest themselves in a physical body to appear like humans.  But we are unable to be angels.
  • 23 Ride the Wind Day — That sounds cool!  (And if there’s not any wind, I reckon you’ll have to create your own…)
  • 23 National Sponge Cake Day — This sounds good, if we add some strawberries and whipped cream.
  • 23 Toast Appreciation Day — First, a toast to bread, for without bread, there could be no toast.  Now, a message from The Toast Marketing Board: Eat more toast.
  • 24 Vesuvius Day — This marks the day in 79 A.D. that Mount Vesuvius exploded in one of the largest volcanic eruptions in history.  Several Roman cities were destroyed, including Pompeii.  So why is this a holiday?
  • 24 National Peach Pie Day — Add some ice cream and this would be a good treat.
  • 24 Strange Music Day — There’s a lot of strange music out there, although you won’t hear much of it on the standard “Top 40” radio stations.  They’re too busy playing what the record companies want them to play.  But listen to an indie station (like public radio or a college station), and you might hear some unusual stuff.  You might even like some of it.  Go ahead, broaden your mind.
  • 25 National Banana Split Day — I fully support this holiday!
  • 25 Kiss and Make Up Day — If it’s that simple to make up, perhaps this is the day for getting in trouble…  🙂
  • 26 National Dog Day — On this day every year, dogs around the world unite in an attempt to conquer Earth.  Fortunately, their plan is always thwarted by fire hydrants.
  • 26 Women’s Equality Day — On this day, women should be treated equally.  🙂
  • 27 Global Forgiveness Day — Today, let’s forgive Mother Nature.  The Earth’s weather patterns are just doing what they’re setup to do; it’s nothing personal against anyone.  So don’t hold a grudge.
  • 27 Just Because Day — I’m cool, just because.  Oh, wait, that’s every day…  Um, let’s look at what one website suggests for this day: Take an unplanned day of vacation (that sounds like a great idea!); Knock on someone’s door and compliment them for their great lawn (uhh, no); Skip, don’t walk (no, how about stay in bed all morning); Buy something you don’t need (that sounds good); Jump in a puddle (maybe); Walk backwards (no).  That started out well, but then the ideas became less inspired.  Anyway, you get the idea.  Do something “just because”.
  • 28 Dream Day — I had a weird dream the other day.  I was at the house of a famous Christian singer, and he was fixing lunch, and the other guys in his band were loading hay bales, and another famous artist (from a completely different musical genre) showed up, then some friends came, and then I woke up.  It was a cool dream, but weird.
  • 29 More Herbs, Less Salt Day — Uhh, what?  Why is this a holiday?
  • 29 Blame Everything on The One-Armed Man Day — Okay, this one is definitely obscure.  The reference is to a TV show called “The Fugitive”, and the final episode aired August 29, 1967.  I’ve heard this phrase used in pop culture before, though.  So today, I’m not going to work, and I’m going to blame it on the one-armed man.  This is also a good day to do pranks and pass the blame.  Just make sure there’s not a one-armed man in the building, or he’s gonna have a really bad day!
  • 30 Frankenstein Day — Is this the day that we become mad scientists and create our own monster?  I hope so, because I’ve always wanted to do that.
  • 30 Toasted Marshmallow Day — They’re good by themselves, or you can make s’mores with them.  Speaking of marshmallows, I had a dream about them one time.  I was sitting around the campfire, and I was toasting the biggest marshmallow I’d ever seen, then I started eating it.  When I woke up, my pillow was gone…
  • 30 Organize Something in Your Home Day — This sounds like work, so let’s find a loophole.  It just says “something”, which could mean anything, so how about this — I’ll organize my video game collection according to which titles I like best, which means I need to play them all to properly sort them.  🙂
  • 31 National Trail Mix Day — This is probably about the snacks, but that’s boring; let’s see, I bet if we think creatively enough we can find some ambiguosity to run with.  How about this: on this day, mix up the signs on mountain hiking trails.  Then later in the day, at the starting point, leave a sign that says, “Surprise! This is National Trail Mix Day!”  Then the hikers will know it was all a joke, and they can laugh about being lost for hours.  🙂

I hope you found something you could celebrate this month.  I know I did.

Click here to find the other entries for August.

the special days of August, pt 3

It’s time to continue our look at the special days / holidays / observances of August:

  • 10 Lazy Day — Here’s your excuse to be lazy this day.  Put off your chores another day — they’ll still be there tomorrow.  Take time to do whatever you want to do.  (And here’s an important note: if cleaning is what you actually want to do, it doesn’t mean your spouse wants to.  Just thought I’d throw that in there, for no particular reason.)
  • 10 National S’mores Day — You don’t need a campfire to make these — a microwave will do.  And you don’t need a recipe, either — just mix graham crackers, marshmallows, and chocolate.  You should make a lot of them, to hone your own personal recipe and get it just right.  And you should invite me over to help you taste-test them.  🙂
  • 11 Presidential Joke Day — This is not a day to make jokes about our President.  It’s actually a day for them to make jokes.  It started on August 11, 1984, when President Ronald Reagan was about to make a speech.  He was testing the microphone, thinking it was off, and said, “My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever.  The bombing begins in five minutes.”  This became quite the joke because he was speaking to a live feed!
  • 11 Play in the Sand Day — I wish I was near a beach.  There’s some sand pits in various parks nearby, but there are also cats and dogs that roam those areas, and so I’d rather not play in what may be someone’s litterbox.
  • 13 International Left-Hander’s Day — On this day, lefties have rights!  🙂  Otherwise, lefties never do anything right.  🙂
  • 13 National Filet Mignon Day — Sounds like I need to visit a steakhouse on this day!  Since it’s a holiday, this particular cut of steak should be discounted, so more people can afford them and appreciate their yummy goodness.  And the filet mignon should be bacon-wrapped.  Mmm… mmm… mmm…
  • 13 Comic Book Hero Day — Comic books should get more respect.  Many of the most popular superheroes featured in movies these days got their start in comics, and their story is still being written.  The movie version is just a brief summary of all the detail that is in the original story.  And lest you think comics are bought only by 13-year-olds, the U.S. market for comics is between $660 and $700 million.  Worldwide, comic books are perhaps the most widely read literary format.  That’s not small potatoes…  (So don’t be a “hater” or say that they’re just for “little boys”.)
  • 14 National Creamsicle Day — This sounds like a good plan, and it’s an appropriate treat considering how crazy-mad hot it typically is in the middle of August.
  • 14 Yukon Discovery Day — The name of this day reminds me of Yukon Cornelius, from the Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer claymation Christmas “cartoon”.  He was awesome!  He was the self-proclaimed “greatest prospector in the North”, always searching for silver and gold.
  • 15 Relaxation Day — This is different from being lazy.  Here, you’re resting and relaxing because you should.  It’s important to have down-time for your body to recover from all the stuff you do.  So relax, sit down a spell, and drink some tea.
  • 16 National Tell a Joke Day — I’ve thought about becoming a stand-up comedian.  It started when I was a kid, and I told my parents I wanted to be a comedian, and they just laughed at me.
  • 16 International Homeless Animals Day — Did you know most animals are homeless?  Well, not really, because they find or create homes, but I mean that most animals don’t live with humans.  Besides, animals are naturally homeless.
  • 16 Roller Coaster Day — On this day in 1898, the roller coaster was patented.  The popularity of roller coasters has been going up and down since.
  • 18 Bad Poetry Day — At first glance, this kind of holiday seems obscure and useless, but I know of a few people (who happen to be regular readers here) who seem to enjoy writing bad poetry.  (That is, “bad” meaning poorly composed and consisting of mostly bad puns.)
  • 19 National Potato Day — Some also call this French Fry Appreciation Day.  Either way, it’s good stuff.  Did you know that potatoes are actually vegetables?  So I can’t say I dislike all vegetables.  Taters are good in just about all forms: baked, mashed, smashed, and fried.  (My brother used to say, “Everybody loves soft-fried taters.”)  Just don’t make potato salad, which isn’t a food.

Once again, this list is getting long, so I’ll finish the rest of the month in the next post.  Click here to find the other entries in this list.