Here at Buffet o’ Blog, we’ve started getting some spam comments, which thus far have been deleted when spotted.  But if you see one, they look like this :

you`re compelling. http://www.aminnesota.com

enjoyable. http://www.fgeorgia.com

noticeable. http://www.amississippi.com

I’d recommend not visiting these sites.  In Firefox they seem to not do anything (of the two I tried), but IE is a lot less secure.  (In fact, don’t visit any websites in IE — use Firefox.  Maybe you’ve used IE for years, but don’t get stuck on stupid.)

This seems to be a trend here — a stupid, nonsensical comment that doesn’t fit, followed by a website that’s a letter and then a state name.  And Askimet isn’t catching these yet.  So our highly underfunded R&D team is working on an exclusive defensive attack against these evil spam ‘bots.  We’re gonna call it the Evil Spam ‘Bot Destroyer 2000 (TM).  We will not just block them but destroy them.  We have not yet begun to fight!

In the meantime, please continue to enjoy our exclusive random content, which is made from scratch every morning.  We’ll keep bringing you the best randomness your money can’t buy.  Because it’s FREE!  And the site isn’t for sale.  Although if you’re someone who has lots of money to waste, I mean, invest, and you happen to see (imagine) the vast profit potential behind our infrastructure of randomness, then let’s talk.  Or even if you don’t want the whole site yet, but perhaps you just want to buy a post, send us money and you can have your name in front of dozens of people from around the world.  But we’re not after your money, really.  We provide this great random content just because we care about you, the reader.  But if we could make a few dollars so we can go buy some chocolate-filled donuts, well, it would be stupid to pass that up.  And we’re not stupid.  So there ya go…

Mmm… chocolate-filled donuts… 🙂

Do you have a certain coworker who has recently begun to work long hours? Do they show up early, skip lunch, or work late?  If so, they may have a problem, and it’s up to you to help.

First, you need to determine to source of the problem.  There are several reasons as to why someone would choose to spend extra time at their job, such as – overtime pay, kissing up for a promotion, too old to remember how to get home, being Japanese, alien possession, turning into a zombie, and suffering a blow to the head.  The first four reasons you can’t really do anything about, so we’ll ignore them.  The last three however, you can do something about, if you act fast.

How to spot alien possession-  There are several warning signs to look for, such as unusual behavior (like eating mice, speaking in a language not from Earth, an inability to carry out routine tasks), but these take time and close observation.  An easier approach would be to get Jimmy from the mail room, or Ted from accounting to sneak up and scare the ever-loving whoopidedo out of your coworker.  If they crap out a load of purple goo, or vaporize Jimmy or Ted with some sort of ray gun, you’ve got an alien.  Now, you’ve gotta decide if you wanna call the tabloids, the government, or just kill them yourself and keep that ray gun (and maybe a spaceship) to yourself. Best of luck.

How to spot a zombie-  Does your coworker look pale, do they smell like a rotting corpse, do they suffle about soullessly, or have they tried to bite you, even once?  If any two of these apply, they might be a zombie. To make sure, watch their eating habits.  If they eat the flesh of the living, they’re a zombie.  You’re best bet in this case is to either 1) Ignore the problem, let them continue to work, but find a way to take their money (being dead, they don’t need it) or 2) Kill them, for the good of all humanity.  Either way, you should be aware that the family of the coworker may also be infected, and it could easily spread to other coworkers, and even you if you’re not careful.

How to spot a blow to the head- This is perhaps the easiest to spot.  If they are not one of the first four, and you couldn’t prove they are one of the above two, a blow to the head is probably what has happened.  For example, when Jimmy or Ted scared this coworker earlier, they probably spit a beverage across their keyboard/monitor (if they had a beverage)  or became annoyed and chased them out of their office, shouting incoherent insults.  At any rate, there is a simple cure for a blow to the head – another blow to the head.  You can use almost anything for this, personally, I’d shy away from metal (unless it’s a comically large anvil), and from anything Nerf (unless it’s a comically sticky suction dart and/or rocket powered). Almost anything from Acme will work wonders, but failing that, I find that a seasoned piece of White Oak wood (vintage ’02 – ’04) makes a delightful sound.  Now, one good whack to the head may fix their problem, and it may not.  If they start singing show tunes, or can’t remember their name, wail on them some more, until they seem more like normal.  Or blast you with a ray gun.

Amy from Del Rio, Texas, writes the Cat Research Institute, asking:

"Dear C.R.I. How many cats does it take to equal one horsepower?"

Oh, Amy, if only you knew how many times we get asked this question!

We have finally decided to put our research resources to determining exactly how many catpowers it takes to equal one horsepower.  We assembled our staff and discussed the various testing strategies, and finally came up with a precision test — a "tug of war" between cats and horses.

Weeks of research and testing allowed us to create a special cat harness that was comfortable while at the same time would transfer the full power of each cat into the pulling cable.  We decided to group the cats in teams of 100 each.  This would allow us to add 100 cat-pullers at a time.

Finally, testing day arrived.  We started by hooking up 400 cats to the pulling cable, versus just one horse on the opposite end.  Then, one of our testers took a box of cat-treats and stood in front of the cats, and shook the box of treats.  Naturally, the cats tried to swarm him.  At the other end, another tester stood in front of the horse, and waived a carrot, and said, "Giddap, Bessie".

The results were dissapointing.  The horse didn't even seem to notice the 400 cats pulling against the rope, and easily got the carrot.

So we hooked up 400 more cats.  This was a little better, the horse did seem to hesitate a bit before reaching the carrot.  So we added 200 more cats, then 100 more then 50, etc.

Our final results were that it takes 1,186 cats to equal one horsepower.

When asked about these amazing results, the cats showed a mixed response.  6% said "Meow", 4% responded with "Reow", 2% offered no opinion, and the overwhelming majority — 88% — either yawned or slept through the interview.

So, Amy of Del Rio, Texas, you can sleep well at night, knowing that the Cat Research Institute is ready to answer this and all the other important questions about cats.  🙂

If the last post has caused temporary or permanent insanity, the creators would like to apologize.  It is unhealthy to read.

Does this site need more disclaimers?  In these times, when people can sue you because they're stupid, probably so…  So I'll try to write another one.

This blog is meant purely for entertainment purposes.  Many people won't even find it good for that, but ya know what?  I don't care.  If you like it, you like it, and I like you.  If you don't, well then good for you, but watch your back.  🙂

Hmm… that didn't turn out so well, did it?  Maybe I should practice my politically correct speech…  well, that ain't gonna happen!  So how about this — just don't sue us.  You'll just run up big lawyer fees and get nothing in return.  I mean, the official Buffet o' Blog savings jar is down to a few pennies.  We raided it last night to get some Taco Bell.

If reading this blog makes you want to do dangerous and/or illegal things, then you should quit reading it.  (DUH!)  You should read children's books instead.  There's some great classics out there.  I won't recommend any, but your local library can help out.  Tell the librarian that you want something at or below the 3rd grade level because you can't handle mature (or even adolescent) humor.

Thank you, drive thru…