I think one of the best jobs ever would be a food critic. You go to restaurants, your company pays for it, and you try all kinds of interesting food, then review it. Unfortunately, most of us will never get that job, so I’m starting a series where we get to be a virtual food critic. I know, it’s not nearly the same, because you don’t get to eat the food. But it can still be fun. Plus, if we discover a new dish that sounds awesome, maybe we’ll try it at one of our next “Adventures in Eating” nights (also called “Buffet o’ Bacon”, though not necessarily limited to bacon). And maybe we’ll invite all the regular readers here to these events (as we have been discussing).
Here’s how this new series will work: I’ll post a picture of some dish, and then we discuss it. If that doesn’t sound interesting, give it a chance. I’ve been involved in numerous food-related discussions with the Buffet o’ Blog staff that were a lot of fun, and we’ve come up with many good ideas.
One limitation with these pictures is that there may not be a recipe included, so sometimes we will have to guess at the actual ingredients. But if we aren’t sure what it is, we can always make substitutions (like switching bacon for an unknown meat or replacing non-potato vegetables with cheese).
In your analysis of the featured food dish, you can rate it from 1 to 10 (or any comparable scale), you can specify which ingredients / sides should be removed as well as which ones should be added, and you can explain why a particular dish would be awesome or horrendous. And remember this is a humor site, so don’t get burdened down in seriousness. This is supposed to be fun. So don’t be afraid to get extreme or go way over the top in suggested improvements.
I’ll start this new series with something we’re all familiar with — a cheeseburger. But to me, something about this burger just isn’t quite right. What do you think about it, and what should be changed on it?
(The future entries will all be filed under the category of “food critic“.)
Buffet o' Blog 
Fab
All that green leafy stuff and other plant matter is so unnecessary. It makes the bun soggy and tastes like hammered crappola. All that cheese and ketchup look good though. All it needs is some bacon and mayo and it would be edible, although not in one sitting.
Dabo
Yeah, Negatore plant matter. Positor bacons, mo variety of cheeses, some Mirdamle Whip or Mamayonnaise, and ya gots to have some mo juicy grease. Hmmm…could also add a layer or threve of cajun french fries, uhhhh!
birdpress
I was going to suggest that you should call it “food porn critic” instead, since it will be just pictures of good food. But then I saw the picture.
Beppo
Some of the pictures will be mouth-watering good, but some will be items that need improvement (like this one, which was a good attempt, but a little misguided). And some will be bizarre.
Holiday Inn Express
Needs to have less lettuce and tomato. Also needs bacon.
Finally, it should be a bit wider and a bit shorter, to help those who can’t unhinge their jaw like a python eat it.
Beppo
I have to agree with what’s been said so far — less veggies, more meat and bacon, and add Miracle Whip. Actually, veggies are totally optional, but if including any lettuce & tomato, it should be less than one patty of meat. Because while lettuce & tomato are edible, they don’t necessarily improve a burger.
And there should probably be an extra piece of bun for every 2-3 patties of meat, with additional Miracle Whip for all extra bread.
Thomas Wayne
There’s WAY too much onion — it looks like more onion than beef, and that should not be!
What’s that red sauce? Salsa? Ketchup? There’s no need for that. Just meat, cheese, and Miracle Whip. And copious amounts of bacon.
MangoMan
I agree with all the above! Ditch the Lettuce, cut back on the onion, and add LOTS of bacon!
another idea, to assist with eating this monstrosity, would be to slide the whole thing on a skewer!
and while you’re at it, you might as well go ahead and dunk the whole thing in batter and deep fry it!
mmmm… theres nothing quite like deep-fried ‘burger-on-a-stick’
Thomas Wayne
Perhaps the creator of this wanted the burger to be really tall, like for artistic reasons or to impress someone. But putting more meat would be more impressive than all those veggies, and adding bacon would make it a lot more impressive. Food doesn’t have to have all these “earthy” colors and unique textures to look good.
BTW, the meat looks overcooked / burnt, which should not be. Flame-broiled does not mean flame-burnt (though I’ve seen people do that intentionally). It might look cool to see flames surrounding your burger on the grill, but that can hurt the flavor.
B'Bieley
ya’ll betta lay off the bacon, ya’ll…
B
Peter Spindel
Bro – you’d be fatter than fat is you were a food critic…
(is that what you do?)
Pete