One of my regular readers recently pointed out that I haven’t written an issue of viewer mail in a while, and what they said was true. There’s no good excuse for that, but to appease certain people, I’ll make an excuse anyway: I had stuff to do. 🙂
But enough rambling, well, rambling without a point, anyway. Let’s get to the viewer mail. As always, these are actual search terms that led people to this blog. I will provide answers, advice, skepticism, ridicule, or whatever is necessary in response to these phrases.
- newly invented vitamins and minerals — I have nothing against science and inventing, but I don’t think we need more vitamins and minerals. I already have enough trouble eating all of them I’m supposed to. HOWEVER, if these new vitamins and minerals can somehow make things like bacon and gravy healthy, then I’m all for it! That would be a great invention — not only would you improve the quality of life of millions of people, but you’d make billions of dollars!
- “survive a volcanic eruption” — I can help you here. The key for survival in that situation is to be far away. It’s really that simple. You really want to avoid the hot molten magma / lava, because it can burn through almost anything, including concrete and steel. So it’s best to be far away. And don’t try to cook marshmallows or hot dogs over the lava, because it can reach 2000 degrees; thus your food will melt, as will you.
- friends that are too cool — It’s unfortunate this happens, but it’s a way of life. Your only options are to either improve yourself, or just give them their space. We had a guest editorial by Thomas Wayne about this one time, so you can read a few people’s thoughts on it in the comments on that post.
- cookies for breakfast — Some health nuts may say cookies are not a “breakfast food” or that they aren’t suitable for breakfast somehow. To that I say “hogwash!”. I have conducted my own extensive research in this area, and the results are conclusive that cookies make a great breakfast. Milk is a good beverage of choice to go with your breakfast of cookies.
- smoking/oxygen — I’m glad you brought this up, whoever you are. Have you ever realized that smoking cigarettes and cigars burns oxygen out of our atmosphere? Thus smoking contributes to global warming! You probably won’t hear Al Gore mention that, because it might make some people mad, but I’m not afraid to rock the boat.
Well, that’s all we have time for today. I really do have stuff to do. 🙂 Be sure to check out the other issues of viewer mail for more answers to the stuff you’re searching for.
It’s been a while since we’ve opened the viewer mailbag, so let’s do this. First, we’re going to answer an actual message sent to us via our contact form, by Neil:
very cool are you selling or anything?
Well, Neil, currently this blog is not for sale. Though for enough money, we might consider it. (We’ll entertain any offer, regardless of size, so don’t be afraid to ask.) Also, we don’t currently sell any merchandise, although I’d like for that to change. If we can come up with a cool logo, we could get some T-shirts printed, for all our super-fans to buy and wear proudly. 🙂
Now we’ll look at some of the search terms that have brought people to this blog. These are actual search terms, not modified in any way. We’re going to give you answers for what you are searching for. 🙂
- how to tell a coworker they smell — There are a lot of possible methods for this, but if you want to be discreet and anonymous, you can write a note that says, “You smell like -> ” and put it next to a picture of poop. Or, if you’re really bold, you can even put some real poop there — that will make a bolder statement and will surely give them something to think about.
- buffet know-how — Are you looking for a tutorial on how to eat at restaurants with a buffet? Honestly, I never thought one was necessary. You just eat the food you like, in whatever quantities you want. The only strategy is to eat fast if you want to maximize food consumption. I suppose you could also consider which foods are more filling, but really, the purpose of a buffet is that you eat what you want.
- what men do in bathrooms dynomite — While there are certain scenarios where creating explosions using dynamite would be fun in a bathroom, most of them are quite dangerous and probably illegal. So usually there isn’t any dynamite being used — it just sounds like it. 🙂
- bad farts cause headache — My research does not support this hypothesis. Has anyone else done any research in this area?
- cholesterol in wendy’s bacon hamburger — Are you referring to the infamous Baconator? I know about it, because I ate one in the name of research. 🙂 If you want the nutritional information, you can get it easily enough. Wendy’s is required to give you this information if you ask, and it’s on their website, but first you need to ask yourself if you really want to know. I mean, you already know it’s not healthy — it’s a fast-food double cheeseburger with six strips of bacon on it. If you’re wanting to eat healthy, you should not even be tempting yourself with looking up this information.
- “ferment beans” — Why would you want to do that? Are you trying to make an alcoholic beverage that tastes like beans and has the associated side-effects? I don’t recommend it. Or do you want to make refried beans that make you “tankered up” (drunk)? Again, I don’t recommend this.
- i think your super — Y’know, I’m not surprised this search term found me. I’m super in more ways than you know. But to whoever did that search, you might should work on your grammar — it’s not cool to use words incorrectly (unless it’s on purpose).
- CRAYONS AND BLOOD PRESSURE — This seems random, but that’s what we specialize in here. 🙂 This phrase could be parsed a couple of different ways, so I will answer both. 1) Eating crayons probably doesn’t help your blood pressure, and it may make it worse because bad things might be going on inside your body while you digest and pass crayons. Just don’t eat them. The other alternative: 2) coloring with crayons can be relaxing, so that could help lower your blood pressure. I know, coloring is often looked at as a children’s pastime, but it can still be fun, even for adults. If you’re one of those thinking coloring is childish, YOU SHOULD QUIT BEING SO OLD! Try it…
With that last piece of advice, I will wrap up this week’s issue of viewer mail. (Ironically, this series isn’t published weekly, probably closer to monthly, but it could be done weekly because of all the visitors we have here. But there’s so much other cool stuff to write on, that this series sometimes get neglected. It’s like I just start typing and randomness overflows. You may wonder why I don’t publish multiple times per day, then. Well, I could, but I have stuff to do. That is, I have a life (plus another blog). If someone were to make donations, I could easily justify writing more. But I digress…)
It’s time for another installment of viewer mail! Let’s open up the ol’ mailbag. As always, we are taking actual search terms used to find this site, and/or questions submitted via the “Contact Us” form on the homepage. Then we add our unique analysis and commentary, and it’s always a good time. Let’s begin…
- arby’s all you can eat — Capital idea! Those beef ‘n cheddar melts are good, and having an unlimited supply of those and Arby’s curly fries would be most excellent! I posited this idea to the Buffet o’ Blog staff, and Turtle Dundee said, “Arby’s all you can eat would be made of pure awesome, and would result in the eating of every cow in Texas and every curly potato in Idaho.” Someone should suggest this to the higher powers at Arby’s.
- turn homemade bread into a bear — I… I… I don’t know what to say. (But that’s never stopped me.) For one, I don’t think it’s possible, at least according to the current laws of physics. Second, WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO DO THIS? Bread is a good thing (while still fresh) — you can make sammiches and burgers with it, and you can cover it with gravy. Bears will kill you. Now, I suppose that bears are edible, if you trim away much fat and then tenderize/boil the meat for many hours, but the bread is already food, so why do you want to do this? The only thing I can think of is if you’re going to buy all the sliced bread you can and then create an army of bears to conquer the world. But I’d rather you not do that.
- why does mexican food cause headache — It does?!? Since when? If this is happening to you, then either you’ve got some really bad Mexican food or you’re allergic to it. My own research* has revealed that Mexican food makes you feel better. (* I eat Mexican food at least once per week, so I have extensively researched this one!) So if you’re getting a headache every time, you need to switch restaurants. Because there’s nothing inherently wrong with cheese enchiladas, chicken burritos, chicken tacos, chile rellenos, tostadas, and cheese dip. I would eat this kind of food nearly every day if I still had a metabolism…
- dealing with too much gas — Speaking of Mexican food… 🙂 This happens to us all, doesn’t it? Sometimes you just have a lot of flatulence. Well, since the issue is that there is a lot of gaseous pressure inside you, the only way to resolve it is to let it out. (Now wasn’t that simple?) I know, sometimes you’re in a public place and some people get offended way too easily, but you have to ask yourself — would you rather be uncomfortable or would you rather they be uncomfortable? For me, the decision is easy to make.
- throwing pies — Does this ever happen anymore? If it does, I never see it. I have seen it happen a bunch on The Three Stooges, and it always looked like a good time. Even those aristocratic type people would get involved, once they got past their initial default offendedness. I think there should be a place where this is the norm, as I have written about before.
- can ice cream cure headaches? — I’ve never heard that it does, but it makes the pain easier to bear. Perhaps I should research this one…
- how to build a billion dollar palace — This one’s easy — get a billion dollars! 🙂 Really, that’s what it’s going to take, or at least close to a billion dollars. You aren’t going to build one of those by hand. And if you have a billion dollars, builders and architects will build just about anything you can dream of. So your question has a really simple answer. Just don’t ask me how to get a billion dollars, because I’m still researching that one.
- how can someone just leave — This is another really easy one. Just watch…
Welcome to another issue of our infamous viewer mail series. Like in previous issues, we will look at actual search terms that people used to find this blog, then we will provide advice, answers, or humor that corresponds with what you were looking for. (And this is open to your questions, too — just use our contact us form to send us any question you’d like an answer to, and we’ll come up with something.) Let us begin.
- why are chimpanzees smarter then humans? — Uhh, they’re not. However, if you believe that, maybe they are smarter than some humans… 😮
- ice cream buffet — I’ve never heard of one, but that sounds like a good idea. And in addition to having many varieties of ice cream out there, of course there should also be lots of different toppings to choose from and mix in, like crumbled Oreos, Butterfinger chunks, hot fudge, caramel, graham cracker crumbs, etc. I think somebody should make this happen.
- how does the moon belch? — You’ve got me on this one. I can say that I’ve never thought about this before, and I don’t know. It would be really weird if the moon did belch or fart, because it would probably be very loud, and we might even hear it on the earth. On a slightly more serious note, to answer your question, if it has any active volcanoes, then perhaps that’s how, but I don’t know of any. However, there is the backside of the moon, which we don’t see, so perhaps there’s some clues on that side.
- interesting facts to read while on toilet — There are a lot of good books and magazines out there for reading in such conditions, and comics are great for that also. Another suggestion would be to print out some articles from this blog. The free-for-all stories are good (just click on the title of each one to get all the comments, so you get the whole story), and there’s a page with lots of toilet facts (which would be appropriate, although some might give you pause), and there’s a few posts that have a lot of discussion in the comments (see here for starters).
- nuclear scorpion — There’s been a lot of searches related to scorpions recently, and I wonder what all the hype / buzz is about. Perhaps the next Godzilla movie will feature a nuclear scorpion. (Has he ever fought one?) So maybe this is from a leaked movie script, or it could be just some crazy conspiracy theory, or maybe my warnings about Turkey Point were prophetic. I don’t know which it is, but I’m curious also. If anyone knows why scorpions are so popular now, let me know in the comments.
- flush toilet into air 10 feet away tooth — Hmm… how should I interpolate this one? Did the toilet water (and waste) shoot 10 feet into the air when you flushed it and got on your teeth? Ugh! Let’s hope that’s not what you’re talking about, because that’s downright stank-nasty! Generally, you want your toilet to flush downward, taking the poop and other excrement away from you. If it’s going into the air, then your toilet is malfunctioning. On a side note, if your whole toilet exploded and shot up in the air, that would be kinda cool, but you’d rather that not happen at your home or while anyone is nearby.
- moon backside nasa — See, it’s not just me who thinks there may be something going on at the backside of the moon! Because we can’t see the back of the moon, NASA (or some other space agency) could be having underground operations there without even having to go underground. There could be something nefarious going on there, so we need to check it out for ourselves. Do we have any volunteers to secretly go to the moon and investigate? If you find something, we’ll film it, and it’ll make a great movie, perhaps even winning a Nobel Peace Prize (since Al Gore has lowered the bar so low with his documentary). Who’s interested in going?
That’s all for this issue. Feel free to discuss any of these topics in the comments.