the EPA wants to tax dust

With this being a humor blog that specializes in randomness, you might not expect a story on regulations by the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA).  But we sometimes cover stupid news, partly because it can be random (in the creativity of the stupidity) and/or just funny.  This story isn’t laugh-out-loud (LOL) funny but stupid-funny (or stupid-stupid).

The EPA is considering a strict regulation with heavy fines on dust.  (Yeah, you read that right — dust, as in airborne dirt.)  According to this one website someone showed me, “Farmers could be fined for everyday activities like driving a tractor down a dirt road or tilling a field.”  Some areas have already suggested having “no till” days in response to this proposed standard.

Do I need to explain how stupid that is?  Apparently so…  To farm and raise crops, the ground must be tilled, and heavy machinery must be used to do all the planting, watering, and harvesting.  Dust is inevitable.  That’s just the practical aspect of it.   But we can get even more basic — humans are made of dirt.  It’s not like dirt is harmful to us.   You may not like getting dirty from dust, but it’s not as bad as living in a heavily-populated city full of pollution, breathing car exhaust fumes.  I’ve been in Los Angeles and New York City and Chicago, and the atmosphere in those places definitely isn’t as fresh and clean as Arkansas.  I’ve even lived on a farm.   Some dust in the air is not the problem!

Another problem with that is if there are “no till” days, then crops can ruin. When a crop is ready to be harvested, you have only a small window of time to get the best harvest, and farmers have a tough enough time making a profit as it is, without the EPA telling them they can’t drive their tractors on certain days.

One commenter on that website suggested that this move by the EPA could be to create more jobs for illegal immigrants.   If farmers can’t use their heavy machinery, they could use illegal aliens to do the manual labor.  Maybe that’s what that comment about retrofitting buses with diesel engines is about — to transport the millions of immigrants who will till the soil after tractors are made illegal.  That sounds like a conspiracy theory, but there are people scheming in politics…

I have to wonder if lawmakers don’t like farmers.   Not just because of that, but because of this other potential legislation — fining farmers for flatulence cows.   That sounds silly, but such a “cow tax” has been in consideration.  The Supreme Court ruled in 2007 that greenhouse gases emitted by belching and flatulence amounts to air pollution.  The American Farm Bureau Federation claims the EPA is proposing a required annual fee of $175 per dairy cow, $87.50 per head of beef cattle, and $20 per hog.   If this happens, it will probably get applied to more animals we consume (like chickens), and meat will become an imported item from other countries.   I’d rather that not become the standard.

I realize the government is hurting for money, but couldn’t they do something reasonable (i.e., not stupid and harmful)?  They could try the strategy of responsible spending — I don’t think they’ve attempted that one in many years…

the Better Marriage Blanket

Mango-Man sent us a link about a product called the “Better Marriage Blanket”.  It supposedly eliminates the problem of passing gas when you’re sharing a bed with your spouse.  You should watch the video!

Now that you know what it’s all about, click play again and listen to the first few seconds.  That was not silent but deadly!  I don’t see how the blanket is gonna do anything about that!

There’s actually an official website for this Better Marriage Blanket (but you might not want to go there, because there’s pop-ups when you try to close it).   There you learn that it “contains the same type of fabric used by the military to protect against chemical weapons”.  Hmm…  And supposedly “the blanket will not smell bad after use”.

I don’t figure I’ll be getting one of these, because I don’t have a problem with flatulence.  But if any of you reading this have tried it, let us know how it works for you.  Was unbridled flatulence destroying your marriage, and this carbon-filter blanket saved the day?   Inquiring minds want to know!

free remix of MP3 comedy song

One of my friends was playing around with his keyboard and some effects it had, like looping drum beats and having laughter tied to the synth part.  He recorded it and sent it to me, just to show what he had done.  It seemed to be lacking something, so I forwarded it to D.J. Funky Dogg, who added some music effects to it, along with various sound effects and vocal utterances (plus some, uhh, other utterances).   It’s quite funny, if you find flatulence funny.  So I’m providing the download link for those who enjoy such things.  Just so you know, the file is about 1MB and the song is about 1 minute long.

First, a couple of disclaimers:

1) Obviously, if you are offended by the audible passing of gas, you should not download this free MP3.
2) If you are around people who can’t handle “potty humor”, you should listen on headphones.
3) If you are at work in a cubicle farm, go ahead and crank it up on your computer speakers — it’ll make everyone’s day a little more surreal.  🙂  (Though if folks think you’re uncouth, that’s yo’ problem!)
4) If you hurt yourself laughing, you don’t laugh often enough.  Subscribe to this blog and review the archives for help with that.
5) If you laugh at this, you can forward the link to this post to your friends who also appreciate this brand of humor.  That’s all we ask.

Okay, with that out of the way, here’s the link: Test Rekkerd (Stank Drawz Remix).mp3.

This track is released to the public “as is”, with no warranty expressed or implied.  It is also free, and you cannot claim it as your own and try to sell it.  If you do pirate this recording, we WILL find out and we’ll call J.G. Wentworfth to get our money NOW!

If you would like to have D.J. Funky Dogg remix your track, he is available for an exorbitant fee, although sometimes he will do things for us for fun (because we’re so cool and he diggs this blog), so you can send it to us via our contact form and we’ll see what happens.

warnings for hot dogs?

There’s a vegan advocacy group that is suing 5 of the major hot dog manufacturers, wanting a cancer-risk warning label to be placed on all hot dog packages sold in New Jersey.  (Only New Jersey?)  The lawsuit is on behalf of 3 New Jersey residents who bought hot dogs without knowing that they are (supposedly) a cause of colorectal cancer.  Well, the reason there’s no such warning is that such a claim has never been proven scientifically.  (And that seems like a valid reason.)

The president of the Cancer Project (who filed this lawsuit) compares the health risk of eating hot dogs to the lung cancer risk of smoking cigarettes.   I’m thinking WHATEVER.  Only when science backs that up will I believe such a claim.

If they start putting these warning labels on hot dogs, then we might as well throw the whole bathtub out with the bathwater.  How about this?   I think certain restaurants need a warning label for potential flatulence.   If a particular restaurant tends to give you gas (for example, Taco Bell), that could put your social status at risk.  Suppose you’re about to go in for a major job interview, but you’ve got a rumbly in your tumbly because of eating a few double cheesy beefy burritos.  It happens!  (Sadly, in today’s over-the-top “politically correct” society, I could see such a thing passing…)