The Important Evil Genius (E.D) is in the news today, and I thought some of you might like to know, because he visits this site and participates in the discussions.  (To read up on his funny delusions of world domination, check out the comments on these pages : viewer mail!, pickles are evil, the best Christmas ever.)  Here’s the official release from GP News :

Tue Feb 20, 9:12 AM CT

(GP News) – Important scientists have reported that the secret lair of the Important Evil Genius (E.D) is producing an unlawful amount of greenhouse gases which lead to global warming, so local authorities have been instructed to shut it down immediately and place him in custody for an unspecified amount of time.  His laboratory will be sterilized, and if that is not possible, it will be utterly destroyed.

His secret lair was discovered by a group of teenagers and their dog.  Our on-the-spot reporter interviewed one of the teenagers, who was named Velma.  She explained it thusly: “We were in town to visit my uncle, and he was showing us around the area.  He took us to the base of this mountain, where some of the locals had reported seeing an old man who tried to scare them away.  I was looking for clues, while the guys were throwing dog treats at our Great Dane, who bumped into a rock-like switch on the mountain.  This proceeded to shut off a projector that was displaying an image over the entrance of a cave.  My uncle called the local authorities and we went in to investigate.”

One of the local deputies named Cletus was at the scene, and he informed us that basic forensic research had concluded this lair has been in use for a long time and was still active.  A quick search of the county records revealed that the Important Evil Genius did indeed own the property but has not paid any taxes in the last 38 years, so now the IRS will be conducting a major audit.  It was also determined that the Important Evil Genius was not licensed to operate a chemical refinery, so a warrant has been issued for his arrest.

One of the important scientists explained that the secret lair is extremely dangerous, because it is using out-dated technology, plus it’s at the base of an active volcano.  A quick glance around the main room of the cave revealed pits of exposed hot molten magma, which is obvious a dangerous thing to have near volatile chemicals.  One of the younger important scientists, who wished to remain anonymous, called the hidden base “total crap”.  He apparently had heard of the Important Evil Genius, as he elaborated, “This old man is a menace to society.  He scares people around town with his oldness and his scathing threats, and he mixes colored, bubbling liquids together when he doesn’t even know what will happen.  This laboratory should be shut down immediately before he injures himself and possible others with some chemical accident.”

The Important Evil Genius is currently on the loose.  It is suspected that he is hiding inside the mountain, where there is an extensive labyrinth of tunnels and caves.  Deputy Cletus was confident that the old man will be brought to justice soon.

Lately I’ve noticed a couple of grey hairs in my goatee… and some of my friends are getting a few grey hairs, too.  So I’m thinking there must be something bad in the water around here, because I can’t think of any other valid explanation for this.  We need to conduct some type of city water test procedure.  It’s gotta be the water, because I’m nowhere near old enough to have any grey hairs…  🙂

BTW, did you know the word “goatee” is a modified version of “goaty”?  And it’s an Americanism (one of the few words we didn’t steal from other languages).  It was invented between 1835-1844.  It’s derived from “goat”, as you might imagine, because of its resemblance to a goat’s tufted chin.  (And “tufted” is a cool-sounding word, though there’s seldom a good time to use it.)  These days, few people are bothered by a goatee, but when it was first invented, it raised a few eyebrows.  In 1842, William Tappan Thompson wrote :

One chap’s … rigged out like a show monkey, with a little tag of hair hangin down under his chin jest like our old billy goat, that’s a leetle too smart for this latitude, I think.

The first recorded occurrence of the word is from 1844, in a book by Daniel Lee and Joseph H. Frost :

A few individuals … leave what is called, by some of their politer neighbors, a “goaty” under the chin.

It’s been said you learn something every day… and today it is some useless trivia about the origins of the word “goatee”.  But at least you learned something…

Today marks one year of blogging here at Buffet o’ Blog.  We’ve come a long way from our humble beginnings, to, um, well, now.  (Maybe that’s not a good way to put it.)  Let’s move on to the statistics :

• 231 posts
• 796 comments
• 12,390 page hits
• 3,921 spam comments

Those numbers represent lots of good times.  Well, except the spam comments, obviously, but Akismet has blocked most of those.  Also, the page hits don’t count when the staff is logged in, so it’s not just us inflating the numbers.  There are actually people visiting this site, anywhere from 10 to 50 new people a day.  (You’re all welcome to leave comments, by the way.)

The staff will be going to Brick Oven Pizza to celebrate, where you can get a pizza made just about any way you want.  One of the staff favorites is the chicken/bacon/ranch pizza.  Good stuff…

I wish there was something we could do to celebrate with everyone, like giving away cookies & milk, but this is a virtual community, where we may be separated by thousands of miles.  One of the staff suggested we get a big birthday cake, use Black Cat firecrackers for the candles, douse it with gasoline, then light the fuse and wait for the explosion.  We could post a video of it for all to enjoy.  And we would, except the Buffet o’ Blog video department hasn’t opened yet.  (We do plan to open it soon, whenever we can acquire a camcorder.  We’ve got some funny ideas for homemade videos.)

Since there’s no video and no cookies, let’s take a few minutes to remember the really funny posts, and I’ll open the floor for you to share your memories.  [silence]  Don’t everyone speak at once…  [silence]  Well, I reckon there’s too many to quickly choose one.  (That must be what’s happening.)  Take your time; I’ll leave the comments section open 24/7 for your convenience.

We’ve made it through a year now, and there hasn’t been a shortage of new material.  We’ve still got lots of ideas for future posts.  Sometimes there’s a shortage of free time, but we make the sacrifices to keep this going.  It’s fun for us, and hopefully fun for you, too.  Most of us could stand to laugh more, not only because it’s fun but also because it’s healthy for you.  So come back here, because we’ll keep writing.  (Feel free to use our RSS feed to subscribe, if you have a feed reader.)  And tell all your friends.  The more, the merrier…

I was just talking with some of the staff here at Buffet o’ Blog, discussing new cars, and one guy said he wants a Sherman tank.  We got to talking about how cool that would be, and it’s not a bad idea.

New cars typically have crash-test ratings of up to 5 stars, to represent how safe they are in the event of a crash or rollover.  With a tank, you’d probably have at least 50 stars of safety.  I doubt you could roll it over if you tried, and you wouldn’t need airbags.  If someone drove through a red light and hit you, you might not even notice.  You couldn’t get any safer.  It would also be bulletproof, hail-proof, etc.  You might even be able to drive it through a tornado!

You would also gain the respect (and fear) of other drivers.  If someone were audacious enough to honk their horn at you while at a stoplight, you could turn the turret around, and their attitude would change really quick.  Of course, firing military-grade weapons at civilians is frowned upon, so you could revamp it to shoot some green glop at them, to cover their car (including the appropriate sound effect, of course).

One negative of driving a tank is that the highway department might not care for it too much, given that you could probably make ruts all over the road — even on paved roads.  But you could go off-road, too.  It would be so much better than the SUVs that are sold these days.

Now I just need to find an Army surplus store to see how much one of these would cost…

BTW, I came across a page that has pictures and a video of a someone driving a Sherman tank over a car.  I wonder what the insurance company would say about that…

If you’re interested, here’s the specs on a 1942 M4 General Sherman tank :

Weight: 29.62 tons
Length: 19 feet, 4 inches
Height: 9 feet
Armor: 0.99 – 1.97 inches
Maximum Speed: 24 mph
Maximum Range: 99 miles
Crew: 5
Armament: 75mm main gun;  3 x .30 caliber machine guns;  1 x Anti-Air Defense .50 caliber (12.7mm) machine gun;  1 x .30 caliber (7.62mm) Co-axial machine gun;  1 x .30 caliber (7.62mm) bow machine gun.
Ammunition: 97 rounds (75mm gun);  4,750 rounds (Machine guns)