Do you have a certain coworker who has recently begun to work long hours? Do they show up early, skip lunch, or work late?  If so, they may have a problem, and it’s up to you to help.

First, you need to determine to source of the problem.  There are several reasons as to why someone would choose to spend extra time at their job, such as – overtime pay, kissing up for a promotion, too old to remember how to get home, being Japanese, alien possession, turning into a zombie, and suffering a blow to the head.  The first four reasons you can’t really do anything about, so we’ll ignore them.  The last three however, you can do something about, if you act fast.

How to spot alien possession-  There are several warning signs to look for, such as unusual behavior (like eating mice, speaking in a language not from Earth, an inability to carry out routine tasks), but these take time and close observation.  An easier approach would be to get Jimmy from the mail room, or Ted from accounting to sneak up and scare the ever-loving whoopidedo out of your coworker.  If they crap out a load of purple goo, or vaporize Jimmy or Ted with some sort of ray gun, you’ve got an alien.  Now, you’ve gotta decide if you wanna call the tabloids, the government, or just kill them yourself and keep that ray gun (and maybe a spaceship) to yourself. Best of luck.

How to spot a zombie-  Does your coworker look pale, do they smell like a rotting corpse, do they suffle about soullessly, or have they tried to bite you, even once?  If any two of these apply, they might be a zombie. To make sure, watch their eating habits.  If they eat the flesh of the living, they’re a zombie.  You’re best bet in this case is to either 1) Ignore the problem, let them continue to work, but find a way to take their money (being dead, they don’t need it) or 2) Kill them, for the good of all humanity.  Either way, you should be aware that the family of the coworker may also be infected, and it could easily spread to other coworkers, and even you if you’re not careful.

How to spot a blow to the head- This is perhaps the easiest to spot.  If they are not one of the first four, and you couldn’t prove they are one of the above two, a blow to the head is probably what has happened.  For example, when Jimmy or Ted scared this coworker earlier, they probably spit a beverage across their keyboard/monitor (if they had a beverage)  or became annoyed and chased them out of their office, shouting incoherent insults.  At any rate, there is a simple cure for a blow to the head – another blow to the head.  You can use almost anything for this, personally, I’d shy away from metal (unless it’s a comically large anvil), and from anything Nerf (unless it’s a comically sticky suction dart and/or rocket powered). Almost anything from Acme will work wonders, but failing that, I find that a seasoned piece of White Oak wood (vintage ’02 – ’04) makes a delightful sound.  Now, one good whack to the head may fix their problem, and it may not.  If they start singing show tunes, or can’t remember their name, wail on them some more, until they seem more like normal.  Or blast you with a ray gun.