The good thing about my alter ego, Underachiever Man, is that I don't have to change clothes when I use my super powers. ~ Phillip Garding

They say that genius is 99 percent perspiration and 1 percent inspiration.  Then again, so is mowing the lawn. ~ Tom Sims

91% of Americans that suffer from indigestion would rather retake the SAT than watch a Yanni concert.

You know that guy who made the movie Super-Size Me, in which he gained 31 pounds after eating nothing but McDonald's food for an entire month?  That dude totally ripped me off!  I did it first, except he filmed it or something. ~ Miles Walker

It's sad when you're at a baseball game and realize that you'll never have the money, status or talent that the guys on the field take for granted.  And it gets even worse when the grounds crew gives way to the players. ~ Anthony Myers