Tag: humor

methane contributes to global warming

There are companies now selling “carbon credits”, making billions of dollars.  But carbon is not the only element contributing to global warming.  Researchers say methane is 23 times more potent than carbon dioxide in trapping heat in the atmosphere.  As we discussed in the last post, cows contribute significantly to global warming via the methane they produce with their flatulence.  But I’m willing to overlook that, because they play an important role in my diet.

However, there are some people who produce an undue amount of methane, way more than normal.  These people are not only polluting the immediate atmosphere, but they are contributing to global warming.  Of course, some of them might get offended if I told them they had to quit passing gas and belching so much, and you could argue that I would be infringing on their rights.  So I’ve found a good solution.  Effective immediately, I will be selling methane credits.  That’s right, for a small fee (paid to me), you can pass gas all you want, and I will plant trees to offset your personal pollution.  (I will also give you plenty of personal space!)

Earth’s dominance in the Miss Universe pageant

I don’t keep up with beauty pageants and such foolishness, but I recently saw a headline about it.  A woman from Earth won yet again in the Miss Universe pageant.  That’s 56 straight years an earthling has won.  That’s complete dominance.  But it makes me wonder if people / aliens in the other parts of the universe are even invited to that competition.  If not, it should be renamed.

In semi-related news, Miss USA tripped in the evening gown competition, for the second year in a row.  I’m not going to poke fun at that, though.  I know, it’s easy to laugh because that makes her look clumsy and it’s certainly not going to help her score.  But look at it from her perspective.  There’s all that pressure of walking in front of people, and these models surely have to do a lot of preparation for walking in a dress and high heels.  I have no idea how difficult that is.  Surely it must be tough, if she’s going to trip and fall down a couple of times…

For next year’s competitions, one of the requirements in preliminary competitions might be that you can walk in front of people without tripping.  Considering how difficult it obviously must be in those circumstances, maybe she could do that in the talent part of the competition.  “Here is Miss USA, walking across the stage without falling down.”

caption contest, extreme badminton

It’s time for another caption contest!  I’m going to go with another sports-themed picture this time, because of the 2008 Olympics in Beijing.  This time I’m using a photo from a sport that’s actually played in the Olympics (unlike last time), although this image is not from one of the Olympic tournaments.  Nonetheless, good times can be had by creating your own unique brand of commentary or captions, for all the world to enjoy.

What happened here?
What happened here?

(To see the other caption contests, click on the “Say What?” category in the sidebar.)

new diet plan based on Michael Phelps’ success

U.S. swimmer Michael Phelps dominated the swimming contests at the 2008 Beijing Olympics.  He won a record 8 gold medals in 8 events, and shattered 7 world records.  How does he do it?

Well, our investigative staff here took a look at his daily routine.  When asked what he was doing during the Olympics when not swimming, he replied, “I’m eating a lot of pasta and pizza.  I’m eating a lot of carbs.  And sleeping as much as I can.”  I could do that!  And I’d like to do that!

In preparation for the Olympics, he also swims a lot for training, which is expected, but so do all the other contestants.  So what sets him apart?  I’ve found that he eats over 12,000 calories per day!  That’s not normal!  So in the name of research, I’m going to start eating 12,000 calories per day to see if it makes me excel at what I do.

Here’s a listing of what he eats on a typical day:

Phelps lends a new spin to the phrase “Breakfast of Champions” by starting off his day by eating three fried-egg sandwiches loaded with cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, fried onions and mayonnaise.

He follows that up with two cups of coffee, a five-egg omelet, a bowl of grits, three slices of French toast topped with powdered sugar and three chocolate-chip pancakes.

At lunch, Phelps gobbles up a pound of enriched pasta and two large ham and cheese sandwiches slathered with mayo on white bread — capping off the meal by chugging about 1,000 calories worth of energy drinks.

For dinner, Phelps really loads up on the carbs — what he needs to give him plenty of energy for his five-hours-a-day, six-days-a-week regimen — with a pound of pasta and an entire pizza.

He washes all that down with another 1,000 calories worth of energy drinks.

For me, I’m going to substitute sweet tea instead of those energy drinks.  I don’t know how many glasses of tea it will take to get those 1,000 calories, but I can handle it.

Of course, if my daily workout doesn’t keep up with this increased caloric intake, I run the risk of looking like this:

But I reckon someone should test out this crazy new diet plan, in the name of research…