Most people like to talk about the weather, or, at least they do so because they don’t know what else to say.  But today we have a special weather situation here in central Arkansas — it’s crazy-mad hot.  Not only is the basic temperature around 100 degrees Fahrenheit, but there’s lots of humidity and way too much direct sunshine, which is pushing the heat index up to about 110 degrees.  So when you go outside to walk to your vehicle, you get sweaty — from just a short walk.  You can feel the heat bearing down on you in an oppressive manner, and that just ain’t right!

Not only is this extreme heat wave oppressive and uncomfortable, it’s dangerous.  Even the weather forecasters talk about how dangerous it is.  Folks can get all dried out (dehydrated), which can lead to constipation or even death.  And nobody wants to die from these things.  So it’s time for some action.  The way I figure it, the large amount of taxes I pay is for living here in the United States.  So the government needs to do something to provide a safe living environment for me and others in this predicament.  But what do they do about this dangerous heat?  Nothing.  I realize that changing the weather is a bit tricky — there’s a whole lot of math and physics involved, too much for me to explain here and still have readers at the end of this post, so just take my word on it.  But even if our nation’s leading scientists aren’t equipped yet to control the weather, they can at least provide relief, like with ice cream sandwiches.  Yes, they are excellent for helping people cool off and relax.

So I propose that any time the heat index in a particular area goes above 95 degrees, FEMA or some similar such agency brings in truckloads of ice cream sandwiches.  And since it’s dangerous to be outside in this heat, they should deliver them to my desk.  Is this an absurd request?  Well, as I continue to think on it, no.  There’s only about two months of crazy-mad heat in my area of the country, and with the thousands I pay in taxes, that would buy a LOT of ice cream sandwiches.  And I will need only a few each day, like when I have to go to lunch and leave work.  (And some special considerations can be made for when I have to mow the yard.)  So write your state representatives in Congress, telling them you aren’t going to vote for them if they don’t supply ice cream sandwiches to those suffering from oppressive heat waves.

Okay, I reckon some of you will feel silly asking your state representatives to do this, so I have an alternate plan that will also work.  Write to the candidates running for Congress that you aren’t going to vote for anyway, so they’ll push for it, and then the eventual elected official will also jump on the bandwagon to get more votes.

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What I am about to show you may scare you.  If you are prone to losing control of your bowels, you should close your browser before you scroll down the page and learn about this horrific mutation of pure incarnate evil that I happened across in New York City on a recent vacation there.

(Don’t say I didn’t warn you…)

This reduced-size picture doesn’t really do it justice.  Click on it for a larger version (if you dare).  Notice the sheer size of this thing!  It’s easily at least 12 feet tall, if not more.  It’s obviously releasing some toxic fumes into the atmosphere, and it’s leaking some dangerous chemicals onto the ground.  Notice the smoke has already started peeling the bark off the tree nearby, starting the tree’s torturous journey to death.  One of the people in the background is starting to cover his face, before he dies.  Note that I blurred out their faces, to protect the stupid.  They should know better than to get that close to such an evil force.  But just trust me that once they realized their folly they had extreme shock and horror on their faces.  Only crime-fighting superheroes with authentic super powers should attempt to get this close to these evil alien invaders, and it’s still recommended that they use a camera with high-powered zoom to take these kind of surveillance photos.  (Don’t even ask me how I acquired this — it’s top secret and stuff.)

Now, some of you might not’ve known that road cones are evil.  That’s understandable, because the mass media has its biases, and they control much of what you see and hear in the world of news.  (And trust me, most of them are not fair and balanced.)  Here at Buffet o’ Blog, we are not afraid of the aliens’ threats, because we are protected by real superheroes, so we’re reporting this breaking story.  These cones are part of a plot by aliens to take over the world.  Sure, they sometimes look innocent, but think about how they are invading cities and blocking escape routes on interstates.   They are showing up all over the place!  Many of you live in cities that are surrounded by these evil cones and you didn’t even realize it.  Well, now you know, but in this case knowing might not be half the battle.  We have to do something.

Think hard on this the next time you see a traffic cone sitting around, seemingly doing nothing, looking abandoned.  What is it really there for?