offended at poop

Look at this…

poop in yard

I don’t have to tell you what this is.  This is poop.  You can call it crap, turds, or whatever colorful euphemism for feces you want.  Either way, it’s gross.  (As the saying goes, poop by any other name smells the same.)  But there’s no need for you to get offended… it’s not real poop.  It’s a picture of real poop, so what we have here is a virtual representation.  It doesn’t stink, and it won’t make a mess.  Go ahead and touch it.  See, nothing happens.  So don’t get all offended.

But I am offended.  The problem with this poop is that it’s in my yard.  But I didn’t put it there, neither did anyone associated with my household.  I have no pets at this time.  And I did not sign up for the fertilize-your-yard chain letter.  So this pile of poop was placed in my yard illegally.  Yeah, someone was trespassing.

I figure it was someone’s dog, but that’s still WRONG!  People shouldn’t let their dog poop in my yard!  If I knew who it was, I could toss it on their driveway, to make sure they took notice of it.

Let’s hope this doesn’t happen again, before bad things happen…

the wonder of lightning bugs

Do you ever watch lightning bugs?  I was standing on my back porch last night, and there’s a huge open field behind my house.  I could see hundreds of lightning bugs, all of them flashing their patterns.

lightning bugThey’re also known as the firefly.  They create the light using certain enzymes that react together.  They use this light for our enjoyment.  🙂  No, really, it’s for mating purposes.  They create unique courtship patterns.  I don’t understand this.  Does this female firefly get interested because one guy has 5 flashes in quick succession?  Or does the rhythm of the flashing make her want to dance?  I guess it doesn’t matter…

Scientists are trying to reproduce this chemical (luciferase) in the lab through genetic engineering for other purposes.  So far they have been able to synthesize it and get other living things to produce the protein, such as mice (of course), silkworms, and potatoes.  [Ed. note: potatoes?!?  Would you eat glowing potatoes?]

What if they can cause humans to produce it?  Wouldn’t it be weird if we could make our butts light up?  🙂

aerosols reduce global warming

In an online discussion of global warming and whether or not man caused it, I found something interesting :

Between 1961 and 1990 (actually it’s more like 1940-1970), there was not a cooling. There was a halt of global warming. There is evidence that this was caused by aerosols. However, it is difficult to prove with any certainty.

And think about this — in the 1990s, the government started banning aerosols.  (That might’ve helped the decline of the ’80s “big hair” debacle.)  So when aerosols went down, global warming increased.  If that correlation is true, then I’m going to start spraying aerosols to offset all this global warming!  Now, to some of you, that may sound boring, but that means you’ve never sprayed an aerosol towards an open flame such as a lighter.  You have an instant flamethrower.  I’ve always wanted to build a flamethrower.  I might also look into building a jetpack based on the burning of aerosols.  That way I could get around quickly and save the environment!

Yep, I think it’s time for the Buffet o’ Blog Research & Development department to start building a flamethrower and jetpack using aerosols.  Both of these products would sell on their own, but if they’ll reduce global warming, then they’d sell like hotcakes (or better, even).  I wonder what Al Gore will think about this?  Maybe I’ll make my own movie and make millions…

the special days of March, pt 1

As we have done in previous months, we will look at the special days and holidays of this month.  Since it’s March, I reckon we’ll focus on March’s holidays.  🙂  As usual, this is not a complete list — those can be found elsewhere.  But I guarantee you will not find another list like this one.  Not only do we list the best of the unusual and strange and obscure holidays, but we add our own unique commentary and analysis.

Let’s start with looking at the month-long celebrations and observances.

  • Music in Our Schools Month — I think students should be exposed to different types of music, like with Music Appreciation classes.  But make it fun.  Too many people know only the “Top 40” stuff on the radio.
  • National Frozen Food Month — This may sound like a bachelor’s food only, but there are now some nice frozen foods, like lasagna, which are really good.  Mmm… lasagna…
  • National Noodle Month — Speaking of lasagna…
  • National Nutrition Month — I’m not sure if this should be the same month as National Frozen Food Month.  Also, I figure this would be January, when everyone is starting a diet and trying to eat healthy.  By March, most of us have given up.  (Maybe they want renewed emphasis on nutrition…)
  • National Peanut Month — Peanuts are good by themselves, but add chocolate, and they’re even better.  Or you can have something with peanut butter and chocolate, like Reese’s, which are excellent.

The only weekly celebration worth mentioning is:

  • 2nd Week National Bubble Week — A good idea for bubbles is to blow them over cubicle walls at work and act like you don’t know what happened.  Another good office prank is to rip a bubbly fart, but you surely don’t want to get caught for that one!

Now let’s look at the individual day holidays and observances:

  • 1 National Pig Day — Since most people don’t keep pigs as pets, I reckon it’s best to celebrate them by eating sausage, bacon, and ham.  Mmm…
  • 2 Old Stuff Day — Uhh… what?!?  I reckon you should be thankful for antique cars and such things.  This day ought to make the Important Evil Genius happy, because he supposedly has a rather large collection of antiquated old relics that he plans to build a doomsday device with.
  • 3 I Want You to be Happy Day — I really do want you to be happy, every day.  That’s why I publish this great blog — to make everyone’s day a little more surreal.  🙂
  • 3 If Pets Had Thumbs Day — According to some scientists who believe in evolution, this would make animals a lot closer to humans.  But that’s silly. In fact, this whole day is silly.  What’s the point of it?
  • 3 National Anthem Day — If this is for the national anthem, there’s already a holiday or two where that is traditionally sung and/or played.  But perhaps this means we should each have our own anthem this day.  I’ve always thought it would be awesome if we each had our own theme song.  It could play when we get to work (although that might reveal your lateness to your co-workers) or when we walk into a meeting at work.  Of course, we’d want the option to turn it off, for when we needed to be in stealth mode.  But I think this could be really awesome.
  • 4 Holy Experiment Day — Uhh… what is this for?  I’ll figure out something.  How about on this day you try to live a completely holy life.  Although, if you’re a Christian, you should be trying to do that every day.
  • 5 Multiple Personality Day — Isn’t that normally considered a disorder?  If so, why are we celebrating it?  It can be confusing to have multiple personalities, so I recommend against it.  Besides, if you want to add or remove parts from your current personality, you can do so without adding the disorder.
  • 6 Dentist’s Day — I appreciate dentists, but I’m not going to celebrate this day.  They already make plenty of money, plus I don’t want to go to the dentist any more than I have to.
  • lasagna6 National Frozen Food Day — This would be a good day for lasagna.  Mmm…  Of course, there are other options, like Hot Pockets, and there are some frozen desserts that are pretty good.
  • 6 On this day in 1912, Oreo cookies went on sale for the first time.  Now we might take them for granted.  But imagine eating your first Oreo, then discovering how good it is with milk.
  • 8 Be Nasty Day — Why is this a holiday?  We shouldn’t ever be nasty.  There’s a place for joking amongst friends, but we shouldn’t ever be nasty.  (I could come up with better holidays than this…)
  • 9 Employee Appreciation Day — Employees should definitely be appreciated.  This would be a good day to give everyone the afternoon off, or to let them leave early, or to at least buy their lunch.  If this day is on a weekend, it should be observed on the following Monday.
  • 9 Panic Day — This is just stupid.  If there’s a reason to panic, then panic, but don’t schedule it!
  • 9 Daylight Saving Time Begins — We’ve discussed this before, and we decided it should be changed to better accommodate the average working person.  I really don’t like losing an hour of sleep, nor does that help productivity the following Monday.  There is a better way…
  • 10 Middle Name Pride Day — This is good if you have a good middle name, but some people may not.  Also, it’s a good time to learn why you were given the name you got.
  • 11 Johnny Appleseed Day — This is to honor a man who planted and sold a lot of apple trees some 200 years ago.  He lived a simple life, and he was a deeply religious person.  And, if you’re curious, that wasn’t his real name.  I didn’t know you could be famous for planting apple trees…  He has become a legend in some ways.  I need to figure out how to become a legend, other than planting trees.  Perhaps someday this blog will be legendary.  If my blog traffic continues to grow at its current pace, eventually the whole world will be reading it.  🙂

This post is getting really long, so I’ll continue the list tomorrow.  (There will be a link above this post to the next one.)