Tag: humor

quotes about bacon

I’m going to continue the bacon theme for one more post.  This time I’m going to list a few quotes about bacon.  (This is not all the quotes I have that refer to bacon, but the ones mostly about bacon.)  Enjoy…

I’m not Canadian, although I tend to like their bacon.

Cookin’ MC’s like a pound of bacon. ~ Vanilla Ice, in “Ice Ice Baby”

If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating. ~ Southern proverb

I’m never gonna get used to the 31st century.  Caffeinated bacon?  Baconated grapefruit?  ADMIRAL Crunch? ~ Fry, from Futurama

I used to have trouble choking down the pills I have to take for controlling my cholesterol, but it’s a lot easier now that I wrap them in bacon. ~ Brad Simanek

The other week, while sitting over a bacon omelet and rambling on about how much I love the “bacon, egg, cheese on toast combo”, a good buddy looks across the table at me and utters a sentence I may never forget as long as I live: “Yeah, because bacon is the candy bar of meat.” ~ Adam McArthur

I’d forgotten what an honest sandwich it is.  For those of you not familiar, “BLT” stands for “bacon, lettuce, and tomato”.  A lot of people think the “B” stands for “bread”, and I can understand someone not wanting a lettuce and tomato sandwich.  But, the bread is implied in the word “sandwich”.  Anyway, it’s an American original.  Everyone should have a BLT as soon as they can. ~ Stephen Colbert

Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon. ~ Doug Larson

As soon as I learned what the smell of bacon was, I learned how to make it. ~ Rush Limbaugh

There’s egg and bacon; egg, sausage and bacon; egg and spam; bacon and spam; egg, bacon, sausage and spam; spam, bacon, sausage and spam; spam, egg, spam, spam, bacon and spam; spam, spam, spam, egg and spam; spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam and spam; or lobster thermidor aux crevettes with a mornay sauce garnished with truffle pate’, brandy and a fried egg on top of spam. ~ Monty Python

Veggie bacon?!?  That sounds like a sign of the Apocalypse. ~ Turtle Dundee

If you want to see the recent posts about bacon, click here to search the site for “bacon”.

aerosols reduce global warming

In an online discussion of global warming and whether or not man caused it, I found something interesting :

Between 1961 and 1990 (actually it’s more like 1940-1970), there was not a cooling. There was a halt of global warming. There is evidence that this was caused by aerosols. However, it is difficult to prove with any certainty.

And think about this — in the 1990s, the government started banning aerosols.  (That might’ve helped the decline of the ’80s “big hair” debacle.)  So when aerosols went down, global warming increased.  If that correlation is true, then I’m going to start spraying aerosols to offset all this global warming!  Now, to some of you, that may sound boring, but that means you’ve never sprayed an aerosol towards an open flame such as a lighter.  You have an instant flamethrower.  I’ve always wanted to build a flamethrower.  I might also look into building a jetpack based on the burning of aerosols.  That way I could get around quickly and save the environment!

Yep, I think it’s time for the Buffet o’ Blog Research & Development department to start building a flamethrower and jetpack using aerosols.  Both of these products would sell on their own, but if they’ll reduce global warming, then they’d sell like hotcakes (or better, even).  I wonder what Al Gore will think about this?  Maybe I’ll make my own movie and make millions…

the special days of April, pt 2

Now we continue our look at the special days / celebrations / observances in April.  (Click here to see part 1.)

  • 15 Income Tax Day — Honestly, I’d rather not celebrate this.  To me, it’s a deadline, not a holiday.  Nonetheless, it is found on some holiday lists.  Whatever…
  • 16 National Stress Awareness Day — We should aim to live stress-free lives.  That’s a lofty goal, I realize, but it is possible.  That doesn’t mean there won’t be stressful circumstances, but we don’t have to get stressed out.  We can’t completely conquer it on our own, but with the peace of God, we can live without stress and anxiety.
  • 17 Blah, Blah, Blah Day — Apparently this is a day for rambling.  Do you know how much fun it can be to ramble on and on randomly?  It can be hilarious, too.  But you must not force it to happen, because it needs to be spontaneous.  And I don’t mean just talking about the same subject for a long time, to the point that your listeners are totally bored — I mean letting the conversation jump around randomly.  (Some examples are here and here.  Our free-for-all stories are also very random.)
  • 17 National Cheeseball Day — Mmm…  cheeseballs and Ritz crackers…
  • 18 International Juggler’s Day — I know, juggling may not seem as cool as it once did, but it can still be fun.  Try juggling various office supplies in your cubicle at work.  If some go over the walls, that just adds to the excitement.  Your co-workers will get a kick out of it.  🙂
  • 18 Pet Owners Independence Day — This sounded strange to me, so I glanced online to see what it’s about.  No one knows for sure, but one place suggested making your pets go to work while you stayed home to just sleep and eat.  It sounds like a good idea in theory (especially the staying home part), but your pet may not have the experience necessary to competently do your job for a day.  But imagine how funny it would be to see your office filled with pets!  🙂
  • 19 National Garlic Day — Look at it this way : garlic cheese biscuits.
  • 19 Humorous Day — Obviously this means you should be humorous today.  (And, of course, this blog is a great place to do so.)  Some people really need to be humorous more often.  There seems to be an increasing number of humorless people these days, from politicians to lobbyists and special interest groups and the “politically correct” crowd.  We all need to laugh — it’s good for you, and it helps you get through life easier.
  • 20 Look Alike Day — On this day you can choose to look like anyone you want.  You can even choose to dress up like a pirate or a ninja.  Come to think of it, a great holiday would be that everyone had to dress up as a pirate OR a ninja.  That would make work a lot more interesting, plus you would see where everyone stands in the infamous debate over which is superior.
  • 20 Volunteer Recognition Day — I volunteer for this blog, so I qualify.  My salary for providing all this original entertainment is zero, zip, nada.  So if you want to thank me, today is a good day for it.  (FYI, I accept cookies, U.S. currency, free lunches, gift cards, and, of course, verbal thanks.)
  • 20 Cuckoo Day — I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!
  • 21 Kindergarten Day — Perhaps we should all go back to Kindergarten on this day, to realize how far we have come.  We should spend the day coloring, having cookies and milk, and taking naps.  I’m sure there was probably more to kindergarten, but that’s what I remember most.  🙂
  • 23 Lover’s Day — We’ve already got Valentine’s Day, which is enough of a hassle.  Next…
  • 23 Take a Chance Day — What you do today is obvious — take a chance.  For example, suppose there’s a girl you’ve been wanting to ask out on a date, but you’re scared because you don’t know what she’d say.  So on this day, you take the chance.  Even if she totally rejects you and never speaks to you again and gets a restraining order against you, at least you took a chance.
  • 23 World Laboratory Day — I’d like to take a tour of a mad scientist’s laboratory.  (I hear that the Important Evil Genius (E.D) has a lot of retro equipment which would be neat to see, if he still has any working secret lairs.)
  • 23 International Sing Out Day — Sing out, and enjoy singing.  If singing isn’t your gift, you might want to keep it in your car or in the shower, but enjoy your singing.  If you have musical talent, let others enjoy it.
  • 24 Pig in a Blanket Day — This isn’t anything too special, except that you get to eat, which is why I included it.  (There’s not nearly enough eating holidays this month!)
  • 27 National Prime Rib Day — Ahh, here we go, a day to eat steak!  And remember, diets don’t apply on holidays, so order a large steak and get a loaded baked potato to go with it.
  • 27 Tell a Story Day — I’ll tell ya a story, lad — it’s about a guy who got in my way, and it’s not a happy ending.  Oh, wait, that’s not the point.  Today you should exercise your imagination, let your creativity run wild.  It doesn’t matter if you’re a great author or not.  Just write what you enjoy.  Also, we have an outlet here on this blog for such things : our free-for-all stories.  There’s usually one in progress, so click the link to check it out.  You’re all welcome to participate.  It’s a good time.
  • 28 Kiss Your Mate Day — Hopefully you don’t need a reminder for this…
  • 29 National Shrimp Scampi Day — This is what I’m talkin’ about!  Red Lobster, here I come!  They should offer an all-you-can-eat shrimp platter on this day, which includes shrimp scampi.
  • bad hair day30 Hairstyle Appreciation Day — I don’t really care how other people style their hair — that’s their business.  Although some folks’ hair does look a mess, like they didn’t fix it after going to bed with wet hair.  I have trouble appreciating that, even if it is a holiday.  But to each their own, I suppose.
  • 30 National Honesty Day — We should be honest every day.  Of course, that doesn’t mean we have to say everything we’re thinking — there is something called tact.  But we shouldn’t ever lie or be dishonest.

That concludes the special holidays in April.  I hope you found something you could celebrate.

the special days of April, pt 1

As we’ve done in previous months, we’re going to look at the special days and holidays of this month.  As usual, this is not a complete list — those can be found elsewhere.  But I guarantee you will not find another list like this one.  This is not a mere list, because we add our own unique commentary and analysis.  In other words, we try to make it more fun.  And you are welcome to add to the discussion in the comments section.

Let’s get started with the month-long celebrations and observances:

  • National Humor Month — Then this is a great time to be reading this blog, because we’re all about humor!
  • National Pecan Month — To me, this says “eat pecan pie”.  Mmm…
  • International Guitar Month — Rock on, dude!
  • National Garden Month — This is when Mango-Man starts his infamous all-natural “survival of the fittest” garden.  That is, he doesn’t use chemicals and pesticides, and he doesn’t even bother watering it much.  It truly is survival of the fittest.  🙂
  • National Mathematics Education Month — I hope you already know the basics that are needed to get through life.  As far as the advanced stuff, I took Calculus I & II in college, learning all about derivatives, integrals, differential equations, abstract algebra, matrices, etc., and I use absolutely none of it in real life.  A few people might need to know it, but I didn’t need it for the computer programming I’ve done.  But I digress…
  • National Grilled Cheese Month — We’ve already discussed this before.  You can also add ham or bacon to your grilled cheese, and Miracle Whip goes well with it, too.  Mmm…

The only week-long observance I want to bring up this month is:

  • Week 1 Read a Road Map Week — Being a man, I don’t need road maps or directions.  However, in the spirit of this holiday, we should do what is implied here: take a road trip!  Does anyone want to take off for Colorado?  🙂

Now we’ll look at the individual day holidays:

  • 1 April Fool’s Day — You already know about this.  You play pranks and jokes on people.
  • 2 Children’s Book Day — I usually don’t read children’s books, because too many of them are dumbed-down (unnecessarily so in some cases).  But if you consider The Chronicles of Narnia to be a children’s series, that one is definitely worth reading.
  • peanut butter jelly sandwich2 National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day — I like the food holidays.  🙂
  • 3 Don’t Go to Work Unless it’s Fun Day — I figure most people would choose to stay home.  Although even with my current job, where I get to do work I enjoy, I still could use another day off.  After all, we have to work more days than we have off, and we should strive to be balanced in life.
  • 4 National Walk to Work Day — So you get a day off, then they want you to walk to work. Ideally, though, this is a good idea, and a good time of year for it. But sometimes it’s just not practical.
  • 4 Walk Around Things Day — This is vague.  But I suppose if you’re walking to work, you’ll have to walk around buildings and parked cars and such.
  • 4 Tell a Lie Day — You shouldn’t do this.  Why is this even a holiday?  It’s immoral!  Even if it’s a “holiday”, we’ll still have to give an account to God for all that we say…
  • 7 Caramel Popcorn Day — I prefer cheese popcorn, but still, it’s a food holiday.
  • 7 No Housework Day — This is a great idea!  I’ll have to tell my wife about this one!  🙂  Instead of housework, we could do something more fun, like play games or watch movies or play sports outside.  Almost anything is better than housework!
  • 8 Draw a Picture of a Bird Day — Uhh… I’ll pass on this one.  But, if it’s your thing, go ahead…
  • 9 Name Yourself Day — On this day, you can change your name for the day.  So if you don’t like your name, or if you’d rather be known by a nickname, this is the time.  I’m thinking about going with “Master of the Universe”.  So all my co-workers (including my bosses) will have to refer to me as such, or I will ignore them.
  • 11 Eight Track Tape Day — I barely remember these (because I’m not that old).  I never owned any, but one of my friend’s parents did.  They were interesting, and some argue they were better than cassettes, which replaced them.  But now they’re relics, replaced with CDs and MP3s.
  • 11 Barbershop Quartet Day — Is it a coincidence this is the same day as 8-Track Tape Day?  Just kidding!  This would be a good day to check out the musical style of barbershop quartets.  Try something different for a change.  You can probably find some online to listen to.
  • 12 Big Wind Day — This day blows me away!  (Sorry…)  This is a holiday because on this day in 1934, the staff of the Mount Washington Observatory recorded the highest surface wind ever measured, anywhere on earth.  This big wind was officially recorded at 231 miles per hour.  To celebrate that, take notice of the wind outside, watching its effects and listening to it.  If there isn’t any natural wind, feel free to create your own big wind.  (AWW-RIGHT!)
  • 13 Blame Someone Else Day — I think politicians already do this every day, along with much of the mainstream media.  It seems like everything is President Bush’s fault, somehow.  I don’t care for this holiday, because people already do this too much.  We need to take personal responsibility for our lives.  If you’re going to enjoy life, it’s up to you to make it happen.
  • 14 International Moment of Laughter Day — On this day, you should take (a lot of) breaks to have a moment of laughter.  After all, laughing is like jogging on the inside — it’s good for you.  So for your health, make time for laughing.  And, of course, this blog is a good source of laughter.  🙂
  • clouds over island14 Look up at the Sky Day — Go figure out why the sky is blue…  Seriously, take a moment to enjoy the clouds.  It’s even better if there’s a storm coming through, with dark clouds and lightning.  I enjoy storm chasing, but it can get dangerous…

This is getting really long, so I’m going to break it up into two posts.  To be continued…  (Click here for the next part.)