Tag: humor

making a big splash at the Olympics

I’ve been watching some of the Olympics, and while I’m no expert in diving, I have learned that it’s best to have a small splash, if you want a high score.  But if I was one of the last divers, and my score was already too low to win, I’d do a cannonball and try to splash the judges.  I might not get a lot of points, but I’d be on highlight clips all around the world.  I might could even get to tour the talk-show circuit for doing something so crazy.

Actually, according to the website Future Update, which reports the news of the year 2028 (through the miracles of time travel), synchronized belly flops will be an Olympic sport in 2028.  If so, I’m going to enter and win!  I’m already good at that, and I wouldn’t have to practice much, except maybe gain a few more pounds…

caption contest, unfair sumo wrestling match

It’s time for another caption contest!  Since the Olympics are going on now, I’m going to feature a sports photo.  I don’t think sumo wrestling is actually in the Olympics, but perhaps it should be.  (Let your imagination run with that for a minute.)  Now, on to the picture and your captions!

here, size does matter

The rules are simple : write a caption for the photo, whatever you want (within the site’s language rules).

(To see the other caption contests, click on the “Say What?” category in the sidebar.)

the special days of August, pt 4

Now we will conclude our listing of the special holidays / celebrations / observances in August:

  • 20 Daydream Day — Okay, here goes…  As soon as I arrive at work, my watch emits a tone on a frequency that only I can hear with my supersonic hearing.  I press a button on it, and when it validates my fingerprint, it displays a video of the Important Evil Genius trying to rebuild his secret lair.  I sneak out of work, rip my shirt off to reveal my super pajamas, and fly away, to save the day once again, before bedtime.  (I could keep going, but you get the idea.)
  • 21 Senior Citizen’s Day — If you’re old and you know it clap your hands!  [clap, clap]  Hey, who turned out the lights?
  • 22 Be an Angel Day — Angels are supernatural beings, existing in the spiritual realm.  They are able to manifest themselves in a physical body to appear like humans.  But we are unable to be angels.
  • 23 Ride the Wind Day — That sounds cool!  (And if there’s not any wind, I reckon you’ll have to create your own…)
  • 23 National Sponge Cake Day — This sounds good, if we add some strawberries and whipped cream.
  • 23 Toast Appreciation Day — First, a toast to bread, for without bread, there could be no toast.  Now, a message from The Toast Marketing Board: Eat more toast.
  • 24 Vesuvius Day — This marks the day in 79 A.D. that Mount Vesuvius exploded in one of the largest volcanic eruptions in history.  Several Roman cities were destroyed, including Pompeii.  So why is this a holiday?
  • 24 National Peach Pie Day — Add some ice cream and this would be a good treat.
  • 24 Strange Music Day — There’s a lot of strange music out there, although you won’t hear much of it on the standard “Top 40” radio stations.  They’re too busy playing what the record companies want them to play.  But listen to an indie station (like public radio or a college station), and you might hear some unusual stuff.  You might even like some of it.  Go ahead, broaden your mind.
  • 25 National Banana Split Day — I fully support this holiday!
  • 25 Kiss and Make Up Day — If it’s that simple to make up, perhaps this is the day for getting in trouble…  🙂
  • 26 National Dog Day — On this day every year, dogs around the world unite in an attempt to conquer Earth.  Fortunately, their plan is always thwarted by fire hydrants.
  • 26 Women’s Equality Day — On this day, women should be treated equally.  🙂
  • 27 Global Forgiveness Day — Today, let’s forgive Mother Nature.  The Earth’s weather patterns are just doing what they’re setup to do; it’s nothing personal against anyone.  So don’t hold a grudge.
  • 27 Just Because Day — I’m cool, just because.  Oh, wait, that’s every day…  Um, let’s look at what one website suggests for this day: Take an unplanned day of vacation (that sounds like a great idea!); Knock on someone’s door and compliment them for their great lawn (uhh, no); Skip, don’t walk (no, how about stay in bed all morning); Buy something you don’t need (that sounds good); Jump in a puddle (maybe); Walk backwards (no).  That started out well, but then the ideas became less inspired.  Anyway, you get the idea.  Do something “just because”.
  • 28 Dream Day — I had a weird dream the other day.  I was at the house of a famous Christian singer, and he was fixing lunch, and the other guys in his band were loading hay bales, and another famous artist (from a completely different musical genre) showed up, then some friends came, and then I woke up.  It was a cool dream, but weird.
  • 29 More Herbs, Less Salt Day — Uhh, what?  Why is this a holiday?
  • 29 Blame Everything on The One-Armed Man Day — Okay, this one is definitely obscure.  The reference is to a TV show called “The Fugitive”, and the final episode aired August 29, 1967.  I’ve heard this phrase used in pop culture before, though.  So today, I’m not going to work, and I’m going to blame it on the one-armed man.  This is also a good day to do pranks and pass the blame.  Just make sure there’s not a one-armed man in the building, or he’s gonna have a really bad day!
  • 30 Frankenstein Day — Is this the day that we become mad scientists and create our own monster?  I hope so, because I’ve always wanted to do that.
  • 30 Toasted Marshmallow Day — They’re good by themselves, or you can make s’mores with them.  Speaking of marshmallows, I had a dream about them one time.  I was sitting around the campfire, and I was toasting the biggest marshmallow I’d ever seen, then I started eating it.  When I woke up, my pillow was gone…
  • 30 Organize Something in Your Home Day — This sounds like work, so let’s find a loophole.  It just says “something”, which could mean anything, so how about this — I’ll organize my video game collection according to which titles I like best, which means I need to play them all to properly sort them.  🙂
  • 31 National Trail Mix Day — This is probably about the snacks, but that’s boring; let’s see, I bet if we think creatively enough we can find some ambiguosity to run with.  How about this: on this day, mix up the signs on mountain hiking trails.  Then later in the day, at the starting point, leave a sign that says, “Surprise! This is National Trail Mix Day!”  Then the hikers will know it was all a joke, and they can laugh about being lost for hours.  🙂

I hope you found something you could celebrate this month.  I know I did.

Click here to find the other entries for August.

the special days of August, pt 3

It’s time to continue our look at the special days / holidays / observances of August:

  • 10 Lazy Day — Here’s your excuse to be lazy this day.  Put off your chores another day — they’ll still be there tomorrow.  Take time to do whatever you want to do.  (And here’s an important note: if cleaning is what you actually want to do, it doesn’t mean your spouse wants to.  Just thought I’d throw that in there, for no particular reason.)
  • 10 National S’mores Day — You don’t need a campfire to make these — a microwave will do.  And you don’t need a recipe, either — just mix graham crackers, marshmallows, and chocolate.  You should make a lot of them, to hone your own personal recipe and get it just right.  And you should invite me over to help you taste-test them.  🙂
  • 11 Presidential Joke Day — This is not a day to make jokes about our President.  It’s actually a day for them to make jokes.  It started on August 11, 1984, when President Ronald Reagan was about to make a speech.  He was testing the microphone, thinking it was off, and said, “My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever.  The bombing begins in five minutes.”  This became quite the joke because he was speaking to a live feed!
  • 11 Play in the Sand Day — I wish I was near a beach.  There’s some sand pits in various parks nearby, but there are also cats and dogs that roam those areas, and so I’d rather not play in what may be someone’s litterbox.
  • 13 International Left-Hander’s Day — On this day, lefties have rights!  🙂  Otherwise, lefties never do anything right.  🙂
  • 13 National Filet Mignon Day — Sounds like I need to visit a steakhouse on this day!  Since it’s a holiday, this particular cut of steak should be discounted, so more people can afford them and appreciate their yummy goodness.  And the filet mignon should be bacon-wrapped.  Mmm… mmm… mmm…
  • 13 Comic Book Hero Day — Comic books should get more respect.  Many of the most popular superheroes featured in movies these days got their start in comics, and their story is still being written.  The movie version is just a brief summary of all the detail that is in the original story.  And lest you think comics are bought only by 13-year-olds, the U.S. market for comics is between $660 and $700 million.  Worldwide, comic books are perhaps the most widely read literary format.  That’s not small potatoes…  (So don’t be a “hater” or say that they’re just for “little boys”.)
  • 14 National Creamsicle Day — This sounds like a good plan, and it’s an appropriate treat considering how crazy-mad hot it typically is in the middle of August.
  • 14 Yukon Discovery Day — The name of this day reminds me of Yukon Cornelius, from the Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer claymation Christmas “cartoon”.  He was awesome!  He was the self-proclaimed “greatest prospector in the North”, always searching for silver and gold.
  • 15 Relaxation Day — This is different from being lazy.  Here, you’re resting and relaxing because you should.  It’s important to have down-time for your body to recover from all the stuff you do.  So relax, sit down a spell, and drink some tea.
  • 16 National Tell a Joke Day — I’ve thought about becoming a stand-up comedian.  It started when I was a kid, and I told my parents I wanted to be a comedian, and they just laughed at me.
  • 16 International Homeless Animals Day — Did you know most animals are homeless?  Well, not really, because they find or create homes, but I mean that most animals don’t live with humans.  Besides, animals are naturally homeless.
  • 16 Roller Coaster Day — On this day in 1898, the roller coaster was patented.  The popularity of roller coasters has been going up and down since.
  • 18 Bad Poetry Day — At first glance, this kind of holiday seems obscure and useless, but I know of a few people (who happen to be regular readers here) who seem to enjoy writing bad poetry.  (That is, “bad” meaning poorly composed and consisting of mostly bad puns.)
  • 19 National Potato Day — Some also call this French Fry Appreciation Day.  Either way, it’s good stuff.  Did you know that potatoes are actually vegetables?  So I can’t say I dislike all vegetables.  Taters are good in just about all forms: baked, mashed, smashed, and fried.  (My brother used to say, “Everybody loves soft-fried taters.”)  Just don’t make potato salad, which isn’t a food.

Once again, this list is getting long, so I’ll finish the rest of the month in the next post.  Click here to find the other entries in this list.