Tag: humor

viewer mail, issue #14

One of my regular readers recently pointed out that I haven’t written an issue of viewer mail in a while, and what they said was true.   There’s no good excuse for that, but to appease certain people, I’ll make an excuse anyway: I had stuff to do.  🙂

But enough rambling, well, rambling without a point, anyway.   Let’s get to the viewer mail.   As always, these are actual search terms that led people to this blog.  I will provide answers, advice, skepticism, ridicule, or whatever is necessary in response to these phrases.

  • newly invented vitamins and minerals — I have nothing against science and inventing, but I don’t think we need more vitamins and minerals.  I already have enough trouble eating all of them I’m supposed to.  HOWEVER, if these new vitamins and minerals can somehow make things like bacon and gravy healthy, then I’m all for it!  That would be a great invention — not only would you improve the quality of life of millions of people, but you’d make billions of dollars!
  • volcano-kilauea-in-sept-84-shot-450m-high1“survive a volcanic eruption” — I can help you here.  The key for survival in that situation is to be far away.   It’s really that simple.  You really want to avoid the hot molten magma / lava, because it can burn through almost anything, including concrete and steel.  So it’s best to be far away.   And don’t try to cook marshmallows or hot dogs over the lava, because it can reach 2000 degrees; thus your food will melt, as will you.
  • friends that are too cool — It’s unfortunate this happens, but it’s a way of life.  Your only options are to either improve yourself, or just give them their space.  We had a guest editorial by Thomas Wayne about this one time, so you can read a few people’s thoughts on it in the comments on that post.
  • chocolate chip cookiescookies for breakfast — Some health nuts may say cookies are not a “breakfast food” or that they aren’t suitable for breakfast somehow.   To that I say “hogwash!”.   I have conducted my own extensive research in this area, and the results are conclusive that cookies make a great breakfast.   Milk is a good beverage of choice to go with your breakfast of cookies.
  • smoking/oxygen — I’m glad you brought this up, whoever you are.  Have you ever realized that smoking cigarettes and cigars burns oxygen out of our atmosphere?  Thus smoking contributes to global warming!   You probably won’t hear Al Gore mention that, because it might make some people mad, but I’m not afraid to rock the boat.

Well, that’s all we have time for today.   I really do have stuff to do.  🙂  Be sure to check out the other issues of viewer mail for more answers to the stuff you’re searching for.

you must take breaks at work

Did you know that there are federally mandated breaks for workers?  That is, you’re supposed to get something like 15 minutes off for every 4 hours of work.  (Those numbers may vary; I can’t be bothered with research right now… too much stuff to do.)

By my reasoning, if you don’t take your two 15-minute breaks per 8 hour workday, then you’re breaking the law.  I mean, they are federally mandated, which means the government is telling you to do it.  So unless you want to be a criminal, you’d better be taking those breaks!

BTW, your employer might not mention that, because some places want you to work, work, work all the time.  But don’t let them strong-arm you into illegal practices.  Know your rights!  Knowing is half the battle!   (And in this case, goofing off for 15 minutes is the other half.)  🙂

caption contest, big couch

It’s Monday, so some of you are inevitably awaiting the next caption contest.  Well, your wait is over.  Here is this week’s issue.   Now write something funny to go with it!   🙂

big-couch

(To see the other caption contests, click on the “Say What?” category in the sidebar.)

Is Wii Fit for fat people?

The other day I was reading about Wii Fit by Nintendo, one of this year’s hot selling items during the holiday shopping season.  The article I saw on it mentioned the weight limit, and it was quite humorous how they worded it in an effort to be very politically correct:

Its sensitivity only goes so far, however, with the board able to take only 330lbs (150kg) maximum weight, locking out the particularly robust from joining in on the Wii Fit fad.

So if you’re over 330 pounds, you’re “particularly robust”?!?  That’s amusing!  Robust means “full of health and strength; vigorous; powerfully built; sturdy; requiring or suited to physical strength or endurance; full-bodied”.   Some of those just don’t seem to fit this usage, particularly “endurance”.   The “sturdy” part might work, in that it’s difficult to push over someone that heavy.  There is another definition, which says, “marked by richness and fullness”.  I don’t know about the richness part, but people over 330 pounds probably experience fullness on a regular basis.  🙂

Anyway, it’s ironic that the balance board included with a game that’s all about making you fit has a limit for the people who need it the most.   So we (the Buffet o’ Blog staff) were discussing this and came up with a few possible solutions for those who would like to participate but are over the limit:

1) Get two Wii Fit boards, one for each foot.
2) Lose a hundred pounds, and try to enjoy life again.
3) Make an aftermarket balance board that can handle more weight, and call it Wii Fat.  You could even have a larger version called Wiily Fat.

AWW-RIGHT!  🙂

FYI, for any “Captain Literal” type folks who find this post, this is humor.   If you’re offended right now, you should get a life.

Thank you, drive thru…