dangerous secret lair discovered

The Important Evil Genius (E.D) is in the news today, and I thought some of you might like to know, because he visits this site and participates in the discussions.  (To read up on his funny delusions of world domination, check out the comments on these pages : viewer mail!, pickles are evil, the best Christmas ever.)  Here’s the official release from GP News :

Tue Feb 20, 9:12 AM CT

(GP News) – Important scientists have reported that the secret lair of the Important Evil Genius (E.D) is producing an unlawful amount of greenhouse gases which lead to global warming, so local authorities have been instructed to shut it down immediately and place him in custody for an unspecified amount of time.  His laboratory will be sterilized, and if that is not possible, it will be utterly destroyed.

His secret lair was discovered by a group of teenagers and their dog.  Our on-the-spot reporter interviewed one of the teenagers, who was named Velma.  She explained it thusly: “We were in town to visit my uncle, and he was showing us around the area.  He took us to the base of this mountain, where some of the locals had reported seeing an old man who tried to scare them away.  I was looking for clues, while the guys were throwing dog treats at our Great Dane, who bumped into a rock-like switch on the mountain.  This proceeded to shut off a projector that was displaying an image over the entrance of a cave.  My uncle called the local authorities and we went in to investigate.”

One of the local deputies named Cletus was at the scene, and he informed us that basic forensic research had concluded this lair has been in use for a long time and was still active.  A quick search of the county records revealed that the Important Evil Genius did indeed own the property but has not paid any taxes in the last 38 years, so now the IRS will be conducting a major audit.  It was also determined that the Important Evil Genius was not licensed to operate a chemical refinery, so a warrant has been issued for his arrest.

One of the important scientists explained that the secret lair is extremely dangerous, because it is using out-dated technology, plus it’s at the base of an active volcano.  A quick glance around the main room of the cave revealed pits of exposed hot molten magma, which is obvious a dangerous thing to have near volatile chemicals.  One of the younger important scientists, who wished to remain anonymous, called the hidden base “total crap”.  He apparently had heard of the Important Evil Genius, as he elaborated, “This old man is a menace to society.  He scares people around town with his oldness and his scathing threats, and he mixes colored, bubbling liquids together when he doesn’t even know what will happen.  This laboratory should be shut down immediately before he injures himself and possible others with some chemical accident.”

The Important Evil Genius is currently on the loose.  It is suspected that he is hiding inside the mountain, where there is an extensive labyrinth of tunnels and caves.  Deputy Cletus was confident that the old man will be brought to justice soon.

viewer mail, issue #7

It’s been way too long since we’ve had a viewer mailbag, so here goes.  Same format as last time, where we take actual search terms that people used to find this site, and we elaborate on them.  We do this for you, y’know… to help people like you who are searching the Internet for information.  We’re always glad to share our ignorance, er, I mean, knowledge.  🙂

  • do children enjoy cartoons? — What kind of question is this?  Of course they do!  Have you forgotten your childhood?  Or were you never exposed to cartoons?  Either way, you are missing out on a great thing!  But don’t fret, for it’s not too late — you can still enjoy cartoons.  Granted, I don’t know how old you are, but that is irrelevant here — no one is too old to enjoy cartoons.  Yes, even adults should watch cartoons.  (Note that I said “should”.)  Cartoons make you laugh, they help you use your imagination, they’re typically clean entertainment, etc.  It’s a win-win situation.  I know some people don’t understand that, so they may look at you funny, but don’t let them keep you from a good thing.
  • unlimited nachos — Now this is what I’m talking about!  Where can you get this?  If you find a place offering all-you-can-eat nachos, let me know.  I don’t know why some restaurants don’t offer this option.  I’d go there, no doubt.  I know a lot of people who would go there on a regular basis, especially if they let you put whatever toppings you want on the nachos.  Somebody should make this happen…
  • make dookie urinal — I’m not sure what the point of that is…  we already have the urinal, and we already have the toilet, which together take care of your excretion needs.  So why do you want to combine them?  Are you wanting to stand up while you poop?  That could get messy real quick!
  • chuck norris vs mr t — There’s been a lot of people searching for this, and we have a post dedicated to the topic already (click here).  At that page, there’s a link to a comic strip where they fight each other, but it’s quite cheesy.  I’d like to see them really fight, but I suspect that will never happen, because some scientists speculate that it might cause the end of the universe.  I wonder who would’ve won if they had fought in their prime…  I think Mr. T’s strategy might put him at a slight disadvantage, because he tends to take the first few punches of his enemies, absorbing their best punches and then looking really mad.  (That sure intimidated some folks!)  But perhaps he would realize the danger of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick and thus be more aggressive.  But I guess we’ll never know.  *sigh*
  • “why doesn’t robin wear pants” — This has bewildered people throughout the ages, but I think the simple explanation is that he’s a wuss.  Of course, I realize that a lot of people who are wusses still wear pants, so many people won’t accept that explanation.  Other than that, I don’t know.  Why would he never wear pants?  Does anybody have a good explanation for that?
  • chance of snow this year — Yeah, there is.  Well, in most places.  Here in central Arkansas, we probably average about 1 to 3 inches per year.  That’s not nearly enough!  But when it does snow, even if it’s just a few flurries, it’s a big deal.  (I wrote on this recently.)  I’d like for us to get at least 8″ sometime, so I can build a huge snow castle.  Someday this will happen, and it’ll be awesome.  (For those of you in the northern part of the U.S., you may think that’s nothing, but if we ever got 8″ of snow here, everything would be shut down for days.  It pretty much closes everything here with just 2″ of snow accumulation.)
  • me grimlock not afraid of decepticons wa — (from the Transformers) sure was a cool character!  It’s unfortunate he won’t be in the upcoming movie.  (Although, some may argue that due to the extreme changes to the characters and the possibility that this movie will siphon big-time, it may be better to not have your favorite characters in it.  I can understand that.  I wish Soundwave were in it, but wouldn’t want to see him as an iPod, then in robot form be totally unrecognizable.)  Anyway, Grimlock was a great character.  He enjoyed being in battle and was a great fighter, and he wasn’t afraid of anyone.

Well, that’s it for this episode.  I hope we were able to help you with something…

don’t forget Valentine’s Day if you have a woman

I got an e-mail from Thomas Wayne this morning, who apparently didn’t make it to the blog yesterday, because he forgot something important.  Check it out :

Man, there was all kinds of traffic yesterday, and it seemed like everybody had flowers and balloons in they car… was there some holiday?  Me and my woman stayed home last night and ate leftovers, and she seemed mad all day, but I don’t know why.  She didn’t want to talk at all…  What was going on?  Did you notice any strange stuff yesterday?

What can he do now?

Valentine’s Day quotes

Today is Valentine’s Day, as you probably know.  All around the Internet you can find poems, quotes, quips, anecdotes, etc. about Valentine’s Day.  Well, we aren’t any different today…  🙂  Although these quotes aren’t all mushy and sappy — they’re funny and random.  (And that’s a big difference.)  Now on to the quotes!

For Valentine’s Day I sent my wife unbleached white, whole wheat, semolina and durum, and it got me nowhere!  So much for all the effort I put into sending her flours. ~ Michael Cunningham

Saw on a display of “I love you only” Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs.

Love is like a booger.  You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it.

Enjoy Valentine’s Day… remember: it’s not as important as she thinks it is but it’s more important than you wish it was.

I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day.  When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.

BTW, if you’re sad and lonely today because you’re single, it’s okay to buy yourself some chocolate.  (And it’ll probably be marked down tomorrow, so then you can stock up on it.)  It might be a good time to order pizza, too, because most couples will be going to fancy, expensive restaurants.  And go ahead and play some video games… or if you’re not into gaming (or taking a break from it), glance around the other posts here at Buffet o’ Blog, and get involved in the conversations.  It’s a good time.  (And our humor is guaranteed!)