caption contest, extreme badminton

It’s time for another caption contest!  I’m going to go with another sports-themed picture this time, because of the 2008 Olympics in Beijing.  This time I’m using a photo from a sport that’s actually played in the Olympics (unlike last time), although this image is not from one of the Olympic tournaments.  Nonetheless, good times can be had by creating your own unique brand of commentary or captions, for all the world to enjoy.

What happened here?
What happened here?

(To see the other caption contests, click on the “Say What?” category in the sidebar.)

a stupid lawsuit involving Victoria Osteen

Normally I create all the ramblings in the posts here from scratch, but today I’m going to ramble about something that is happening in the news, just because it’s so random.  Victoria Osteen, the wife of famous pastor / televangelist Joel Osteen, is being sued by a flight attendant.  Some people are always looking to make money off the rich and famous, and this is no exception.  But why I’m writing about it is that this case is crazy.

First off, this happened almost three years ago.  So why would it just now be filed?  Second, the charges are ludicrous:

According to court documents, Brown claims that she suffers from anxiety and hemorrhoids because of the incident and said her faith was affected.  She is also suing Osteen for medical expenses for counseling.

So this flight attendant got bumped while cleaning up a mess on the seat and all that happened.  Whatever.  But it gets even crazier — the woman is asking for 10% of Victoria Osteen’s net worth, which is probably in the millions.  How can she ask for a percentage?  Even if you could put a value on her emotional distress and hemorrhoids, it’s nowhere near millions of dollars.  And if her faith was damaged because some famous preacher’s wife accidentally bumped her, then she didn’t have much faith to start with.  And why would she need counseling?!?

Oh, wait, I just figured it out!  If she thinks that someone bumping her in the chest causes hemorrhoids and affects her faith and makes her anxious, then she needs counseling.  The problem is, it’s not Victoria Osteen’s fault that this other woman is a fruitcake.  So, case dismissed!  (I should be a judge.  Although I would’ve already dismissed this joke of a lawsuit before it even got approved to go to court.)

new diet plan based on Michael Phelps’ success

U.S. swimmer Michael Phelps dominated the swimming contests at the 2008 Beijing Olympics.  He won a record 8 gold medals in 8 events, and shattered 7 world records.  How does he do it?

Well, our investigative staff here took a look at his daily routine.  When asked what he was doing during the Olympics when not swimming, he replied, “I’m eating a lot of pasta and pizza.  I’m eating a lot of carbs.  And sleeping as much as I can.”  I could do that!  And I’d like to do that!

In preparation for the Olympics, he also swims a lot for training, which is expected, but so do all the other contestants.  So what sets him apart?  I’ve found that he eats over 12,000 calories per day!  That’s not normal!  So in the name of research, I’m going to start eating 12,000 calories per day to see if it makes me excel at what I do.

Here’s a listing of what he eats on a typical day:

Phelps lends a new spin to the phrase “Breakfast of Champions” by starting off his day by eating three fried-egg sandwiches loaded with cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, fried onions and mayonnaise.

He follows that up with two cups of coffee, a five-egg omelet, a bowl of grits, three slices of French toast topped with powdered sugar and three chocolate-chip pancakes.

At lunch, Phelps gobbles up a pound of enriched pasta and two large ham and cheese sandwiches slathered with mayo on white bread — capping off the meal by chugging about 1,000 calories worth of energy drinks.

For dinner, Phelps really loads up on the carbs — what he needs to give him plenty of energy for his five-hours-a-day, six-days-a-week regimen — with a pound of pasta and an entire pizza.

He washes all that down with another 1,000 calories worth of energy drinks.

For me, I’m going to substitute sweet tea instead of those energy drinks.  I don’t know how many glasses of tea it will take to get those 1,000 calories, but I can handle it.

Of course, if my daily workout doesn’t keep up with this increased caloric intake, I run the risk of looking like this:

But I reckon someone should test out this crazy new diet plan, in the name of research…

making a big splash at the Olympics

I’ve been watching some of the Olympics, and while I’m no expert in diving, I have learned that it’s best to have a small splash, if you want a high score.  But if I was one of the last divers, and my score was already too low to win, I’d do a cannonball and try to splash the judges.  I might not get a lot of points, but I’d be on highlight clips all around the world.  I might could even get to tour the talk-show circuit for doing something so crazy.

Actually, according to the website Future Update, which reports the news of the year 2028 (through the miracles of time travel), synchronized belly flops will be an Olympic sport in 2028.  If so, I’m going to enter and win!  I’m already good at that, and I wouldn’t have to practice much, except maybe gain a few more pounds…