Tag: funny

a new product to handle flatulence

You know how there’s those breath strips (skrips) like Listerine “PocketPaks” where you can put one on your tongue and it dissolves to create fresher breath?  Those were a good idea.  But I’ve got an idea to take that concept much farther.

I have the Buffet o’ Blog R&D (Research & Development) department working on some strips that will dissolve into thin air.  The purpose of these will be for those people who insist on passing gas near your comfort zone.  (You know who you are!)  These strips can be used to cover up your own fart slip, or they can be used when a friend rips one near you and walks away.  These strips will have cleansing bubbles that remove the malodorous methane-based odor from the air, leaving only fresh air behind, with a hint of citrus.  We may make other flavors available, such as mountain meadows, but they’ll be worked on once the product is fully working properly.

If the carefully formulated formula formulates as planned, you could actually leave a strip (or two) in your underdrawers (drawz) for those days when you have a rumbly in your tumbly and there’s a forecast of thunder from down under.  Then you’ll be able to break wind while in important meetings at work (as long as you keep the volume down).  Coworkers may notice a freshness emanating from you, but you can attribute that to your cologne / perfume.

Yes, when this product is released, you won’t have to fear hanging out with your extra-gaseous friends anymore.  Their foul flatulence can be neutralized with this revolutionary new product.  And it will benefit you personally, too, as you won’t have to fear the shame and embarrassment of farting in public or at family gatherings.  You will feel a new-found freedom in life, and I suspect it will even help you enjoy life more.

Coming soon to a store near you…

Who are these Power Rangers on TV?

One day I was flipping through the TV channels, and I saw some show called the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.  It looked like the main characters turned into superheroes, which is normally a great idea for a show or movie, but here something went terribly wrong.  These people weren’t superheroes — it was extremely lame!  So I wondered what was going on…

I figured it must be one of those crazy Japanese game shows that got overdubbed, y’know, one of those that is really weird and doesn’t make much sense.  It turns out I wasn’t too far off in my guess.  It actually is a dub with some new scenes spliced in.  It’s based off the Japanese tokusatsu Super Sentai Series.

It was amazing how many times there was an explosion way behind the Power Rangers, yet it hurt them.  That happened a lot in just this one episode.  And they would fight the bad guys in their normal human form, then turn to Power Rangers with more powers and get beat up some more, then they’d combine into some huge monstrosity with construction equipment coming from out of nowhere to form a giant robot (which sounds kinda cool but was even lamer than the regular fighting).

Aquaman with wavesNonetheless, the show is lame.  I don’t think kids should be watching it.  Kids tend to identify with superheroes, and most children (at least most boys) dream of being a superhero.  So obviously kids need to be watching good superheroes, not lame ones.  If I had any children, they would be watching genuine superheroes, like Superman, Batman, and the other Superfriends (well, except for the wanna-be ones, like Robin, Aquaman, the Wonder Twins, and Marvin & Wendy).  You gotta be careful what you let your kids watch these days.  You wouldn’t want your kids acting like the Power Rangers or Aquaman, would you?  (Ugh!  Perish the thought!)

Burger King commercials

Have you seen the Burger King commercial where some moms are in a car and are trying to run down “The King”?  (That is, the funny-looking Burger King guy, not Elvis.)  They are running over street signs and various other items on the side of the road.  There’s a small disclaimer that says “professional driver”, but I’m not so sure about that…  I mean, it was some women driving all over the road, running over stuff…  Maybe the disclaimer is just some legal “fine print” that is required so they don’t get sued…

I tried to find a video of it, and I’m sure it’s online somewhere, but I’m not going to search too long for it.  I do have a life.  🙂  But during my search on YouTube, I found a few others for Burger King that you might enjoy.

Mr. T made a commercial for Burger King in 1985.

And here’s one called “Simpsonize Me“, and it’s a promotion for the Simpsons Movie.  There’s also a commercial promoting the Krusty Burger, where Krusty fights The King.

crazy excuses by professional athletes

Professional athletes are known for making excuses why they lose or don’t perform well.  Here’s a couple of funny ones.

Chuck Nevitt at North Carolina State was nervous in practice, and his excuse was : “My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”

British soccer coach Alex Ferguson talked his way out of a speeding ticket by explaining that he had diarrhea and that made him be in such a hurry.

Latrell Sprewell was griping about his contract for $14.8 million per year, saying, “I’ve got a family to feed.”  I just don’t know how someone can live on that…

Pitcher Greg Harris said he got an elbow injury that put him on the disabled list because he was flicking too many sunflower seeds during games.  Maybe he should work out more…

A British shotputter failed a steroids test and said it was because of drinking shampoo.  Uhh…

There are a lot of excuses out there and this could go on for a long time, but in closing I want to share one that has to be near the top for being random, creative, and stupid.  This is from a tennis player who lost to a hated rival in 1992 :

“Musumba Bwayla is a stupid man and a hopeless player.  He beat me because my jockstrap was too tight and because when he serves he farts, and that made me lose my concentration, for which I am famous throughout Zambia.” ~ Lighton Ndefwayl

I wish I could’ve seen the reaction by the reporters and journalists in the room when he said that.  That is just a classic quote!