Tag: flatulence

eat chili responsibly

For the “big game” last weekend, my church had a SOUPer Bowl party, where we had a soup / chili cookoff.  (FYI, this was after service, on time-delay, so we could skip the commercials and halftime show.)  I made a pot of chili-cheese chili, which didn’t win, so it must’ve been a conspiracy.  But whatever…

Before the event, I was looking online at some different chili recipes, and I was reading the user comments on a few that I thought sounded good, and I came across this:

I’ve had his Texas Chili many years ago.  My spouse forced me to buy an air filter shortly after.

Eat Chili responsibly.

If that isn’t a great endorsement for chili, I don’t know what is!

Not only is that funny, but it’s good advice.   You do need to eat chili responsibly.  In fact, towards the end of our party, I saw one of our regular readers sitting at a big round table all by himself.  I had to remind him to be responsible with his chili and the associated after-effects.   While he certainly has the right and freedom to conduct his flatulence* however he pleases, there may be the consequences of sitting alone.  It reminds me of this proverb:

Man who farts in church sits in pew.

Okay, so that doesn’t really directly apply, but it’s funny (or punny), and some folks appreciate such humor.  (I’m doing it for you, my readers.)

* The phrase “conduct his flatulence” applies in more ways than one.  This is the same person who has what we call “Active Gas On Command”.   He is, in fact, able to conduct his flatulence better than anyone I know.

the horror of brussels sprouts

In the news a few days ago, a zookeeper fed brussels sprouts to the gorillas, but found that it wasn’t a good idea:

ZOO managers have taken Brussels sprouts off the Christmas menu after the vegetable caused an attack of flatulence in their gorillas.

The staff at Chessington Zoo fed the giant apes on the seasonal favourite as they are filled with nutritional goodness.  However, they hadn’t reckoned with the gassy qualities of the tiny veggies.

Now the zoo has issued an apology after guests at the zoo expressed their horror at the potent smell that started emanating from the gorillas’ enclosure. …

“I don’t think any of us were prepared for a smell that strong.”

Did you notice it said “an attack of flatulence”?  Apparently it can be used as a weapon!

BTW, I don’t think humans should eat brussels sprouts, either…  I’m fairly certain they aren’t meant to be food…

easy cure for gas

Someone forwarded me an e-mail from “Everyday Health”, talking about Digestive Health.   This particular e-mail was called “Easy Cure for Gas”.  (I don’t know why this was sent to me…)   It was written by Dr. Eugene Filiburton of the Massachusetts Institute of Gastrointestinal Disorders and Research Center, Inc.

Troubled by gas pain and bloating?  Try this simple exercise that can be discretely done in your home or office space – even your cube.

Simply lie on your back, knees bent, and press in on your abdomen while exhaling.  For particularly stubborn gas bubbles, it can be helpful to lift your hips with your legs – with your knees still bent – and bounce up and down on your buttocks.   Alternate this bouncing with rolling on your side – first one side, then the other, until you expel significant amounts of gas.

It is important not to clinch your buttocks while doing this exercise as it can precipitate bowel leakage of fluids and fecal matter and, or be very noisy.

If you’re doing this in your cubicle at work, you’d better hope co-workers don’t walk by while you’re lying in the floor and bouncing your butt around.  That doesn’t seem discrete to me.   I reckon you could say you’re doing push-ups or crunches, but they may not believe that.  Plus there’s the issue of potential odor.  You probably don’t want repugnant odors emanating from your cubicle.

If you’re at home, you can just let it rip, instead of doing some exercise to pass gas.

It seems odd to me that clinching your buttocks while doing that bouncing around could lead to leakage.  It seems like clinching would help prevent leakage.   But I don’t know, because I haven’t researched this, nor do I plan to.  If anyone wants to try it and let me know how it works out for them, please leave a comment.

Anyway, now you know how to easily and discretely pass gas, and knowing is half the battle.

methane contributes to global warming

There are companies now selling “carbon credits”, making billions of dollars.  But carbon is not the only element contributing to global warming.  Researchers say methane is 23 times more potent than carbon dioxide in trapping heat in the atmosphere.  As we discussed in the last post, cows contribute significantly to global warming via the methane they produce with their flatulence.  But I’m willing to overlook that, because they play an important role in my diet.

However, there are some people who produce an undue amount of methane, way more than normal.  These people are not only polluting the immediate atmosphere, but they are contributing to global warming.  Of course, some of them might get offended if I told them they had to quit passing gas and belching so much, and you could argue that I would be infringing on their rights.  So I’ve found a good solution.  Effective immediately, I will be selling methane credits.  That’s right, for a small fee (paid to me), you can pass gas all you want, and I will plant trees to offset your personal pollution.  (I will also give you plenty of personal space!)