Tag: flatulence

the EPA wants to tax dust

With this being a humor blog that specializes in randomness, you might not expect a story on regulations by the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA).  But we sometimes cover stupid news, partly because it can be random (in the creativity of the stupidity) and/or just funny.  This story isn’t laugh-out-loud (LOL) funny but stupid-funny (or stupid-stupid).

The EPA is considering a strict regulation with heavy fines on dust.  (Yeah, you read that right — dust, as in airborne dirt.)  According to this one website someone showed me, “Farmers could be fined for everyday activities like driving a tractor down a dirt road or tilling a field.”  Some areas have already suggested having “no till” days in response to this proposed standard.

Do I need to explain how stupid that is?  Apparently so…  To farm and raise crops, the ground must be tilled, and heavy machinery must be used to do all the planting, watering, and harvesting.  Dust is inevitable.  That’s just the practical aspect of it.   But we can get even more basic — humans are made of dirt.  It’s not like dirt is harmful to us.   You may not like getting dirty from dust, but it’s not as bad as living in a heavily-populated city full of pollution, breathing car exhaust fumes.  I’ve been in Los Angeles and New York City and Chicago, and the atmosphere in those places definitely isn’t as fresh and clean as Arkansas.  I’ve even lived on a farm.   Some dust in the air is not the problem!

Another problem with that is if there are “no till” days, then crops can ruin. When a crop is ready to be harvested, you have only a small window of time to get the best harvest, and farmers have a tough enough time making a profit as it is, without the EPA telling them they can’t drive their tractors on certain days.

One commenter on that website suggested that this move by the EPA could be to create more jobs for illegal immigrants.   If farmers can’t use their heavy machinery, they could use illegal aliens to do the manual labor.  Maybe that’s what that comment about retrofitting buses with diesel engines is about — to transport the millions of immigrants who will till the soil after tractors are made illegal.  That sounds like a conspiracy theory, but there are people scheming in politics…

I have to wonder if lawmakers don’t like farmers.   Not just because of that, but because of this other potential legislation — fining farmers for flatulence cows.   That sounds silly, but such a “cow tax” has been in consideration.  The Supreme Court ruled in 2007 that greenhouse gases emitted by belching and flatulence amounts to air pollution.  The American Farm Bureau Federation claims the EPA is proposing a required annual fee of $175 per dairy cow, $87.50 per head of beef cattle, and $20 per hog.   If this happens, it will probably get applied to more animals we consume (like chickens), and meat will become an imported item from other countries.   I’d rather that not become the standard.

I realize the government is hurting for money, but couldn’t they do something reasonable (i.e., not stupid and harmful)?  They could try the strategy of responsible spending — I don’t think they’ve attempted that one in many years…

the Better Marriage Blanket

Mango-Man sent us a link about a product called the “Better Marriage Blanket”.  It supposedly eliminates the problem of passing gas when you’re sharing a bed with your spouse.  You should watch the video!

Now that you know what it’s all about, click play again and listen to the first few seconds.  That was not silent but deadly!  I don’t see how the blanket is gonna do anything about that!

There’s actually an official website for this Better Marriage Blanket (but you might not want to go there, because there’s pop-ups when you try to close it).   There you learn that it “contains the same type of fabric used by the military to protect against chemical weapons”.  Hmm…  And supposedly “the blanket will not smell bad after use”.

I don’t figure I’ll be getting one of these, because I don’t have a problem with flatulence.  But if any of you reading this have tried it, let us know how it works for you.  Was unbridled flatulence destroying your marriage, and this carbon-filter blanket saved the day?   Inquiring minds want to know!

warnings for hot dogs?

There’s a vegan advocacy group that is suing 5 of the major hot dog manufacturers, wanting a cancer-risk warning label to be placed on all hot dog packages sold in New Jersey.  (Only New Jersey?)  The lawsuit is on behalf of 3 New Jersey residents who bought hot dogs without knowing that they are (supposedly) a cause of colorectal cancer.  Well, the reason there’s no such warning is that such a claim has never been proven scientifically.  (And that seems like a valid reason.)

The president of the Cancer Project (who filed this lawsuit) compares the health risk of eating hot dogs to the lung cancer risk of smoking cigarettes.   I’m thinking WHATEVER.  Only when science backs that up will I believe such a claim.

If they start putting these warning labels on hot dogs, then we might as well throw the whole bathtub out with the bathwater.  How about this?   I think certain restaurants need a warning label for potential flatulence.   If a particular restaurant tends to give you gas (for example, Taco Bell), that could put your social status at risk.  Suppose you’re about to go in for a major job interview, but you’ve got a rumbly in your tumbly because of eating a few double cheesy beefy burritos.  It happens!  (Sadly, in today’s over-the-top “politically correct” society, I could see such a thing passing…)

breaking news: Thomas Wayne sues Mango-Man

I just received a breaking news release from local news affiliate GP News.  Apparently regular reader Thomas Wayne has filed a lawsuit against regular reader Mango-Man.  This isn’t a normal lawsuit, either.  Wait ’til you hear what it’s about…  Here’s an excerpt from the release:

Apr 1 (GP)

International man of mystery Thomas Wayne has filed a lawsuit against the indiscriminate Mango-Man.  But this is no ordinary case.  For one side of the story, here are the accusations, from the document filed by Thomas Wayne.

“Mango-Man owes me a lot of money for my troubles.  Let me explain.   A while back he was riding with me around town in my trusty El Camino.  He started complaining of hunger, saying he needed a fourth meal.  So we stopped at Taco Bell, and he ordered several of those cheesy double beef burritos.  I cautioned him against it, but he refused to heed my advice.  This is where our story begins.

The problems started almost immediately.  And by problems, I mean flatulence.  The air in the car quickly became unsuitable for life.  It wasn’t just must’ — it was stank terribleness.  We rolled the windows down, and figured that would take care of the problem.

But for the next several days, the smell refused to leave.  I tried spraying industrial-strength Febreeze all over the car interior, but it could not defeat the smell.  So then I took the seat cushions to the dry cleaners, but they banned me from ever going there again because the stench broke they equipment.  Then I tried boiling the seat cushions, but they still be stank.

I don’t know what else to do, other than having the HAZMAT team haul them away.  I reckon I’ll have to replace all the interior.  But that ain’t cheap, because this car is a classic antique.   That’s why I contacted the reputable law firm of Mann, Dewey, Cheatem, & Howe, and I’m suing Mango-Man for $5011, to cover the cost of new carpet, seats, and headliner, along with the exorbitant bill from the cleaners, and emotional distress.  I no longer look forward to riding in my awesome car because of the stank terribleness.   My regular life has been damaged, and it’s all Mango-Man’s fault!”

Mango-Man could not be reached for comment.

I can see this one being controversial…  Stay tuned for breaking developments in this unusual case!