Tag: farting

colon cleansing spam

I got a spam e-mail from ColonCleanser, with the subject line of “Complimentary Colon Cleanse”.  I don’t open spam e-mails, but if I were to, I would reply and tell them that my body has a natural colon cleansing mechanism built-in.  You know what I’m sayin’?

If you happen to be having some problems, I can send you the recipe for my infamous chili-cheese dip.  It’ll keep you regular…  🙂

Speaking of colon cleansing and all that mess, that reminds me of the classic table scene from the movie The Nutty Professor (the one with Eddie Murphy).  Quote: “You want yo’ colon cleansed?!?  Fine!  I’m gonna clean mine!  PHVRRRT!  There, now my colon is clean, I’m talkin’ squeaky clean!”  And that led to one of the greatest lines ever: “PHVRRRT!”  “Who dat call my name?”  “Yeah, I called ya if ya name is PHVRRRT!”

caption contest, soccer player surrounded by opposition

It’s late on Monday night, but I didn’t forget about the caption contest.  Don’t lose heart!  This week, we have an interesting picture of a soccer / football player standing in the midst of his opponents, who are on the ground for some unknown reason.  I’m confident that some of you will figure out what might be going on here.

So how does this work?  You (and I’m talking to you) write a comment with a funny explanation or humorous analysis of the situation.  It’s that simple.  Here’s the photo:

soccer player, other team passed out

(To see the other caption contests, click on the “Say What?” category in the sidebar.)

eat chili responsibly

For the “big game” last weekend, my church had a SOUPer Bowl party, where we had a soup / chili cookoff.  (FYI, this was after service, on time-delay, so we could skip the commercials and halftime show.)  I made a pot of chili-cheese chili, which didn’t win, so it must’ve been a conspiracy.  But whatever…

Before the event, I was looking online at some different chili recipes, and I was reading the user comments on a few that I thought sounded good, and I came across this:

I’ve had his Texas Chili many years ago.  My spouse forced me to buy an air filter shortly after.

Eat Chili responsibly.

If that isn’t a great endorsement for chili, I don’t know what is!

Not only is that funny, but it’s good advice.   You do need to eat chili responsibly.  In fact, towards the end of our party, I saw one of our regular readers sitting at a big round table all by himself.  I had to remind him to be responsible with his chili and the associated after-effects.   While he certainly has the right and freedom to conduct his flatulence* however he pleases, there may be the consequences of sitting alone.  It reminds me of this proverb:

Man who farts in church sits in pew.

Okay, so that doesn’t really directly apply, but it’s funny (or punny), and some folks appreciate such humor.  (I’m doing it for you, my readers.)

* The phrase “conduct his flatulence” applies in more ways than one.  This is the same person who has what we call “Active Gas On Command”.   He is, in fact, able to conduct his flatulence better than anyone I know.

farting lowers your blood pressure

There’s a new article in science research that you won’t believe.  According to LiveScience, the stink in farts helps control blood pressure.  I know, you think I’m making this up, that it’s some crazy hypothesis that I pulled out of my butt.  But this is actual science.  Here’s the link, so you can verify for yourself: The Stink in Farts Controls Blood Pressure.

The stink they’re referring to is the “smelly rotten-egg” smell, which is hydrogen sulfide (H2S).  They’ve found that cells lining mice’s blood vessels make the gas and the purpose is to keep their blood pressure low by relaxing the blood vessels to prevent hypertension (high blood pressure).  Then the researchers said the gas is “no doubt” in human blood vessels, too.

So the conclusion here is obvious — passing gas lowers your blood pressure.  It also seems obvious that the inverse would be true — refraining from farting could increase your blood pressure.  So you could say farting is good for you.

On a side note, I found this link on the K-Love website, and it said “Warning: Mature Content”.  That’s not true at all!  There’s nothing vulgar or obscene in that news article, and it didn’t even make any crude jokes involving potty humor.  Why is this “mature content”?  Is farting vulgar?  I’ll answer that for you: NO!   Let me make something clear: EVERYONE PASSES GAS!  It shouldn’t be a societal taboo.  Why do some people think it’s rude?   Of course, there are some situations where you should temporarily hold it or go outside, but most of the time those exceptions don’t apply.

So my conclusion from all this is that you should let ‘er rip, because it’s good for your health.  If people get all discombobulated about it, explain that it lowers your blood pressure, and if they don’t believe you (which is likely), refer them to this article so they may be enlightened.