the game of housekeeping

I was explaining to one of my single guy friends the other day how having guests come over to your house is a lot different when you’re married than when you’re single.  It’s not enough to just toss the piles of mail and other clutter into your bedroom.  No, it’s time for a whole-house cleaning and makeover!  This is usually difficult (read: impossible) for men to understand, so I will try to explain.  Imagine you’re on a TV game show and every time someone comes over, your house is judged in the categories of how well you decorate, organize, and clean.  Forget the practical aspect of your guests understanding that people actually live in the house.  Sure, that seems like a valid excuse, and it is, but it only works with men.  If I go to a friend’s house and it’s cluttered, I don’t judge him, nor do I really care.  As long as my life is not endangered by the clutter and dust, it doesn’t matter.  I understand houses get messy sometimes and that there are many things you’d rather do than clean your house every single day.  And if you have children, it’s advisable to give up that dream of a house that always looks like a show home in a magazine or on certain TV shows, or you’re going to be frustrated a lot.

Anyway, back to my analogy before I go into rant mode.  Imagine you’re on a game show.  You and your wife are the contestants, and your guests are the panel of non-celebrity judges (even if their opinions get treated like they’re celebrities).  You might as well pretend it’s Martha Stewart showing up to judge you for how your house looks.  And that’s a critical aspect here — you are being judged, not just your house.  If it looks like people live there, you are obviously a poor housekeeper, and your life priorities must be all wrong.  And the categories you’re judged in include much more than just how clean your house is.  Even if you dust everything, vacuum, sweep, mop, do all the dishes, clean the bathrooms, etc., you can still receive a poor score.  See, it also matters how your furniture looks, and what art you have hanging on the walls, and what curtains you have, and how recently you’ve painted, and what your “theme” is, and so on.  I could not possibly list everything on the list because I am male.  I just don’t get it.

So let’s get to the next part of the game show — the prizes.  Well, there are no prizes.  It is theoretically possible to pass through this test unscathed, but unless you enjoy the process of all this housework, it’s not going to feel like winning.  And notice I said it’s possible to win in theory.  Realize that the difference between theory and practice is a lot bigger in practice than in theory.  Most likely you will lose miserably.  In some cases, even if you do all you know to do, you still lose regardless, even if the house is spotless and clutter-free, because you should’ve done more stuff, like hanging new curtains and pictures.

There are also some special complications that are bonus during this ordeal.  If your guests are your parents or in-laws, you may automatically lose.  But don’t let that faze you — you still must try your absolute best or you lose in more ways than one!  Sometimes it is a no-win situation, so you may not feel like trying at all, but there are definitely different levels of losing.

Well, there’s my perspective on the game of housekeeping.  I would enjoy hearing other perspectives.  And if anyone knows how to explain this to wives, to make the situation better, please share.  (And if it works, you should probably write a book and go around the country teaching at marriage enrichment seminars.)  Also, know that you can leave comments under an alias so your spouse won’t know it’s you.  So feel free to speak the unbridled truth.

100 years of Oreos

Nom nom nom

This week the Oreo cookie turned 100 years old.  What a great invention it was!  Can you imagine how the inventor felt when he first created it?  And when he first dipped it in milk?

Here’s a “fact” about Oreos you may not know.  There are 3 rows of Oreos per package because there are actually just 3 servings per package.  That makes it easy to limit yourself to one serving per serving.  🙂

That may not pass intellectual muster, but here’s a true fact.  Sales of Oreos in 2011 were over $2 billion.  That’s a LOT of cookies!  On a semi-related note, Kraft Foods, who owns the Oreo brand, also sells Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, which is turning 75 this year.

I wonder what the next great food-related invention will be…  We tend to take great food for granted, but there are times in history when there was no such thing as chocolate-chip cookies, or Oreos, or Cheetos, or cheese dip.  (I can’t imagine life without cheese dip!)  There has to be some next great food out there just waiting to be discovered.

caption contest, man chased by hippo

This week’s caption contest is late, yet I make no apologies.  (And I’ll forewarn you that the next one or two might be late also, because of some major impending changes.)  Regardless of all that, here is a picture for you to figure out.  A man is being chased by a hippopotamus.  What might he be thinking?  What could he have done to get in this predicament?  What should he do to escape this peril?

(To see our other caption contests, click on the “Say What?” category in the sidebar.)

new Darwin Award nominee

There is no shortage of contestants for the annual Darwin Awards.  If you aren’t familiar with them, it’s a list of people who do incredibly stupid stuff that gets them killed.  I don’t keep up with it regularly, but I just heard about what will surely be an entry for 2012.

A man in North Carolina drank some gasoline and then smoked a cigarette.  You’d think common sense would apply, but it didn’t.  Also, somehow he made it to 43 years old.  The man was at a friend’s apartment when he apparently mistook a jar of gasoline sitting by the kitchen sink for a beverage.  Later, he went outside to smoke and burst into flame.

That’s about all the details in the news article, but it leaves so much to question.  Here’s what I immediately think of:

1) Did he not smell the gasoline before he drank it?
2) Why was a jar of gasoline by the kitchen sink?
3) Why wouldn’t he go to the hospital after drinking gasoline?
4) Shouldn’t he have realized gasoline is highly flammable and thus smoking would be really dangerous?

If you have any potential answers to those questions, feel free to leave a comment…