all the animals are missing!

Let’s think outside of the box for a moment…

What if God decided to rapture the animals first?  What if He decided we were too mean to them or that we don’t deserve them anymore?  Picture it — you might be eating a cheeseburger, and then all the meat disappears.  The collective cries of millions around the world would be, “WHERE’S THE BEEF?”  Fast food joints and established restaurants would all be sued, as meatless burgers and missing steaks would cause an outrage.  Some people would starve, being allergic to vegetables.  Pets would be missing, and the police would be overwhelmed with missing pet calls.  The world would go into utter chaos and destruction.  It could be the end of society as we know it.

[Ed. note: Before “Captain Literal” makes an appearance, let me say this is completely hypothetical.  I know the Scriptures, and there is no reference to animals being raptured, especially before mankind.  So save your “know-it-all” remarks for other sites that might care about your super-serious remarks.  The whole point of this is to laugh.  Now, I realize some people are humorless, and it’s their loss.  Laughing can add +8 years to your life, so I’ve heard.  And laughing does a body good (even better than medicine, in my opinion).  If you’re unable to laugh, life must be really hard on you.  I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes.  But if that’s you, then you should spend a few minutes here at this blog, and find something that might make you laugh.  Being an adult doesn’t mean you should quit laughing or take everything seriously.  Other people don’t always take you seriously, so why should you?  🙂  BTW, all this advice is free.  Really, you owe us nothing.  But if your life is now changed and you actually enjoy life again, you should become a regular here at this blog.  And if you want to show your gratitude, you’re always welcome to send us cookies or pay for our next trip to Larry’s Pizza.  Thank you, drive thru…]

How can someone be a vegetarian?

I’ve heard there are some people who are vegetarians, meaning they don’t eat meat.  How can this be?  I’ve heard some propaganda that tried to convince me to become one, but it was stupid.  Can you imagine giving up steak for carrots?  Bacon for broccoli?  Ham for cauliflower?  Sausage for asparagus?  Chicken for celery?  No way!  Just the thought of that would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways, inconceivable.

When did this rigamarole get started?  Mankind has always eaten meat.  We’re supposed to eat meat.  Just the smell of someone putting burgers or steaks on a hot grill seems right.  That smell instantly makes me hungry for that.  And if I’m not the one grilling, it makes me kinda jealous…  You certainly don’t get that same effect if you grill some vegetables.  People would look at you funny, wondering if you know how to cook on a grill.

radishes

Mmm… look at those tasty radishes!  Wouldn’t you rather eat that than shrimp?  Ugh!  Maybe you’d rather give up lobster for artichoke.  Whatever…  I mean, look at the name of artichoke — does that sound like a food?  It sounds like something that might kill you!

Anyway, I could go on talking about how silly it is to be a vegetarian.  But I’ll tell you a real-life testimony of how crazy it is.  I had a friend who fell victim to that propaganda, and he tried it for a few weeks, then decided he didn’t need to wear deodorant anymore.  I became concerned for him, because obviously he was losing his mind.  He eventually came to his senses, fortunately.  We have to watch who we’re listening to.  There are even some celebrities who believe this nonsense.  For example, Pamela Anderson has been quoted as saying, “The best thing any of us can do to fight pollution is to adopt a vegetarian diet.”  What in the world?!?  Obviously she’s lost her mind, because that makes no sense whatsoever.

how to deal with your woman’s bad mood

I know that most of the regular readers here at Buffet o’ Blog are guys, and some of them are married, so those of you who fit that category know that sometimes your wife is in a bad mood.  It can happen for a number of reasons.  Maybe it’s that time of the month (PMS); maybe the house isn’t decorated enough yet; maybe her husband is lazy and slacks a lot; maybe her husband wasn’t enthusiastic enough about doing the chores (even if he agreed to help); etc.  There’s a lot of reasons this scenario could happen — too many to list here.  But you most likely know what I’m talking about.

So what should the man of the house do in this situation?  If you tell her she’s in a bad mood and why she shouldn’t be, that probably won’t help at all, and it may make matters considerably worse (so beware, because you don’t want her to have an “emotional meltdown” or “emotional explosion”).  Another option would be to ignore her attitude.  Men are naturally good at compartmentalizing things, so this is somewhat natural.  But your wife probably won’t like this response either.  You could try hugging her and listening to her, and sometimes this is the right thing to do, but if you’re the source of her frustration / anger, then that won’t help any.

So sometimes there is no good solution.  But you shouldn’t just ignore it, so men need some way to express their displeasure with the situation, so she’ll know that you do not approve of the environment at that time.  One possible solution would be to fart and belch as loudly and as often as possible.  She won’t like this, but perhaps she will begin to associate these things with her bad mood.  An association of that sort would make her want to avoid that situation, which is what you want.

This is really basic psychology principles here.  (My psychology teachers from school would be so proud!  I learned that sometimes you need to just rip a big fart to help motivate others to deal with their problems.)  If I may make a small disclaimer on this, I will say that I haven’t personally conducted experiments on this yet, but logically it should work.  Feel free to share your success stories in the comments section, so married couples may benefit of your testimony and make their marriages happier.  And then the world will become a better place…  🙂

some people lack common sense

Sometimes you have to wonder about the intelligence of some people.  In the news recently, a man in Zimbabwe stole a bus to go pick up his driving license.  He admitted this in court.  You would think that at some point while devising this plan that common sense would kick in and say, “This might not be a good idea.”

Here in the U.S., a guy in Texas called a guy in the Navy a nerd over the Internet, so the Navy guy looked up his name and drove to Texas to get him.  He took pictures of himself at every state border from Virginia to Texas and posted them online, to show how serious he was.  When he got there, he burned down the man’s trailer.  He drove 1300 miles to do this, over being called a “nerd”.  Granted, there was some more teasing done online, but the “nerd” comment was what pushed him over the edge.  This guy is 27 years old, yet he still did something so stupid.  (Can you say “insecure” and “emotionally unstable”?)

As part of a radio contest, an Ohio State man stripped down to his underwear and jumped in a pool of manure.  The prize?  Free Ohio State football tickets.  I realize everyone likes winning contests and prizes, but in this case I think it would’ve been better to just buy the tickets.

Can you believe it?