my washboard abs

I’ve got another personal tidbit that goes along the lines of the last post.  I’ve told people that I have rock-hard, “six-pack” abs underneath a layer of fat, and I’ve received the strangest looks of disbelief.  For whatever reason, some people find it inconceivable that I have all these tight muscles on my abs.  I suppose these people have to see to believe (but blessed are those who have not seen and yet believe!).

washboard absWell, now I have proof.  (No, the picture is not of me.  Please continue reading to understand why.)  Perhaps you’ve seen those TV commercials where they’re selling some weight-loss pill or diet plan.  They’re on all the time, so you’ve probably seen them.  Next time one comes on, look carefully at the before and after pictures.  From just losing weight, these people went from having a pudgy midsection to having well-defined, muscular abs.  And this is just from following some diet.  (Surely they wouldn’t be misleading people.  I mean, if it’s on TV, it must be true!)

So now you know.  It works the same way with me.  If I were to drop a few extra pounds, you could see my washboard abs.  You may be wondering why I don’t just lose the weight and look like that.  Well, it’s pretty simple, really.  I like to eat, plus I’m not into all that vanity and stuff.  Besides, I’ve got plenty of natural charm and charisma for impressing the ladies.  If I were to bring my body up to its full potential, that might be too much awesome for one person.  Then my friends might get jealous, and I really wouldn’t want to cause them to stumble.  So I keep my muscles in disguise.  The strength is there for when it’s necessary.  And I have nothing to prove.

no artificial preservatives

I have a colossal bulk that frightens evil villains, and people have asked how I developed this figure.  Perhaps some folks think I cheated in some way, but I’ll make it clear : I don’t need steroids or HGH or artificial supplements.  I’ve never taken any of that stuff.  I got my figure from just eating and sitting around.

Don’t be jealous…  🙂

a motorized ice chest

You can now buy a cooler called the Cruzin’ Cooler that has a built-in engine.  It will support a rider, and it will go up to 15 mph.  This is random.  I never even dreamed of being able to drive my cooler around.

What would make it even better is if it had a remote control.  That way, if you were at the beach or on a picnic, and you wanted a refreshing beverage or snack, you could push a few buttons and have your ice chest bring it to you!  That would be great!

viewer mail, issue #10

It’s time for another installment of viewer mail!  Let’s open up the ol’ mailbag.  As always, we are taking actual search terms used to find this site, and/or questions submitted via the “Contact Us” form on the homepage.  Then we add our unique analysis and commentary, and it’s always a good time.  Let’s begin…

  • arby’s all you can eat — Capital idea!  Those beef ‘n cheddar melts are good, and having an unlimited supply of those and Arby’s curly fries would be most excellent!  I posited this idea to the Buffet o’ Blog staff, and Turtle Dundee said, “Arby’s all you can eat would be made of pure awesome, and would result in the eating of every cow in Texas and every curly potato in Idaho.”  Someone should suggest this to the higher powers at Arby’s.
  • bear attackingturn homemade bread into a bear — I… I… I don’t know what to say.  (But that’s never stopped me.)  For one, I don’t think it’s possible, at least according to the current laws of physics.  Second, WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO DO THIS?  Bread is a good thing (while still fresh) — you can make sammiches and burgers with it, and you can cover it with gravy.  Bears will kill you.  Now, I suppose that bears are edible, if you trim away much fat and then tenderize/boil the meat for many hours, but the bread is already food, so why do you want to do this?  The only thing I can think of is if you’re going to buy all the sliced bread you can and then create an army of bears to conquer the world.  But I’d rather you not do that.
  • why does mexican food cause headache — It does?!?  Since when?  If this is happening to you, then either you’ve got some really bad Mexican food or you’re allergic to it.  My own research* has revealed that Mexican food makes you feel better.  (* I eat Mexican food at least once per week, so I have extensively researched this one!)  So if you’re getting a headache every time, you need to switch restaurants.  Because there’s nothing inherently wrong with cheese enchiladas, chicken burritos, chicken tacos, chile rellenos, tostadas, and cheese dip.  I would eat this kind of food nearly every day if I still had a metabolism…
  • dealing with too much gas — Speaking of Mexican food…  🙂  This happens to us all, doesn’t it?  Sometimes you just have a lot of flatulence.  Well, since the issue is that there is a lot of gaseous pressure inside you, the only way to resolve it is to let it out.  (Now wasn’t that simple?)  I know, sometimes you’re in a public place and some people get offended way too easily, but you have to ask yourself — would you rather be uncomfortable or would you rather they be uncomfortable?  For me, the decision is easy to make.
  • throwing pies — Does this ever happen anymore?  If it does, I never see it.  I have seen it happen a bunch on The Three Stooges, and it always looked like a good time.  Even those aristocratic type people would get involved, once they got past their initial default offendedness.  I think there should be a place where this is the norm, as I have written about before.
  • can ice cream cure headaches? — I’ve never heard that it does, but it makes the pain easier to bear.  Perhaps I should research this one…
  • how to build a billion dollar palace — This one’s easy — get a billion dollars!  🙂  Really, that’s what it’s going to take, or at least close to a billion dollars.  You aren’t going to build one of those by hand.  And if you have a billion dollars, builders and architects will build just about anything you can dream of.  So your question has a really simple answer.  Just don’t ask me how to get a billion dollars, because I’m still researching that one.
  • how can someone just leave — This is another really easy one.  Just watch…