Viewer mail!  Viewer mail!
It’s time for viewer mail!

Holla!

Okay, all seriousness aside, let’s dig into this episode of viewer mail.  Once again, we will look at actual search terms used by people like you to find this site.  Sometimes we already have all the info you need (or want), but sometimes we can add to our extensive breadth of posts to better meet your search needs.  So have a seat, grab a nice refreshing beverage, and stay a spell.  And don’t forget to laugh.  (That is why we’re here…)

• nutrition hostess ding dong — The “Important Doctor” that visits this site says such things are healthy, but the FDA disagrees in a big way.  We could discuss the calories and fat grams and such, but let’s cut past the nutritional facts to get to the real deal — you know you want to eat one!  They sure are good, so go for it!  Life is short, so eat, drink, and be merry.  Now, I realize obesity is a big problem for many people (heh heh), so if this applies to you, go outside and walk around the house a few times.  That way you’re burning those calories off.  (And the bigger you are, the more calories you burn by walking around the house because it’s more strenuous.)
• man eating hamster — Oh, no!  Not a man-eating hamster!  RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!  WE’RE ALL DOOMED!  Oh, wait…  I don’t feel like running right now, so let’s look at an alternative interpretation of that — a man that eats hamsters.  Uhh, I don’t recommend this.  They’re too much like rodents.  They might be edible, especially if covered with some hickory-smoke BBQ sauce and then slow-roasted, but there’s plenty of other stuff to eat that is known to be good.  Order pizza, buy some Hostess Ding Dongs, melt down a block of Velveeta cheese and add a can of Rotel, buy a bag of Cheetos, etc.  There’s an extreme amount of good options here, too many to list.
• splat! burford — Hmm…  This one may take some intense interpolation.  Hold on a sec…  *closes eyes and constipates real hard*  Okay, I know exactly what you were looking for : some combination of a character named Burford and action.  Am I right?  Of course.  Well, you are very much in luck today, my friend, because we have just finished an original story that fits well within your parameters.  It’s entitled Burford’s weekend, and it involves him going on an unknown quest which may impact the whole world.  If you like the format and method, then stay tuned, because more original stories will be starting in the near future (and you are welcome to participate).
• how to pay for the nintendo wii — We have covered this with an original idea by one of our staff members.  I suspect the original searcher found it, since the post title is almost exactly what you searched for, but for anyone else who finds this post, here’s our solution : how to pay for a Nintendo Wii.  BTW, a couple of us here plan to acquire this console, and we both wish they had stayed with the name “Revolution”.  But it’ll be fun to play regardless…
• why are pickles so good — I’ll phrase my answer in the form of a question : Why are you so deceived?  Pickles are not good — they’re evil!  Let me explain…  If you think that pickles taste good, clearly you have been misled.  I know, someone is thinking that’s impossible, because they taste good to you.  Well, stay with me, for I will make it all clear to your understanding.  It’s like smoking cigarettes or drinking beer — the first time you try these things (from what I hear), it’s horrible.  They taste so bad.  But because of external factors like peer pressure, people will give them another chance, then another, until eventually they grow accustomed to them and think they like them.  People can even become dependent on these things.  This concept can happen with pickles.  Also, some parents will give their kids pickles to eat, and the kids don’t know any better.  (Parents, you should be ashamed!)  We have discussed pickles at length here, even debating the issue with a pickle representative (and giving him a what-for).  You can read it here : pickles are evil.

Well, that’s all we have time for today.  I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it.  (I really love helping people!)  If you know of someone who would like to laugh more (or needs to), send them the link to this site.  Then we can help even more people, and you’ll get the assist.

It’s time for another long-awaited installment of viewer mail! It’s been a while since the last one, although there’s been no shortage of searches finding this site.  And since we still don’t have a form setup for you to directly ask us questions (which reminds me, what is our webmaster up to these days… perhaps he’s a slacker), we’ll use actual search terms that brought people to this site.  From this we’ll try to provide more information on the topics that interest you most.  And if we come across any wise words of wisdom, we’ll include those, too.  Let us begin.

• exercise is bad for you — This goes against “convention wisdom”, but we’re not one to always follow the majority.  Besides, this could be a huge conspiracy.  So we did some research.  And it appears that you are onto something.  Studies show that the people who play sports and exercise on a regular basis are much more likely to get injured than those who sit on the couch or sit at their computer all day.  We posted a study on this a while back; go to Exercise Is Bad For You, New Study Shows.
• “quotes”, “the key to” — This is ambiguous, but via interpolation I’ll suppose you mean “the key to making quotes”.  And although anything said could be a quote, that would be boring, so I’ll suppose you mean a good quote.  Well, now that I’ve deciphered what you were really looking for, I’ll provide you with valuable insight.  You should say cool things.  (Sounds really simple, doesn’t it?  Well, it’s easier said than done.  Uhh, well, maybe that doesn’t apply here.)  These sayings can be funny, insightful, random, etc.  If you have trouble with this, you should try to take in more high-quality sayings.  For starters, keep reading this site — there’s lots of high-quality randomness here.  You should also spend time with people who are cooler than you are.  (And if you never say or think cool stuff, they shouldn’t be too hard to find.)
• teddy bear lasagne lasagna — I hope I can give you some advice on this before it’s too late… DO NOT TRY THIS!  You are not supposed to eat teddy bears!  They are not made of meat.  And the “stuffing” in them is not edible, either.  If you have teddy bears and want to eat them, give them to children in need.  And most definitely do not steal other people’s teddy bears — that would be wrong on so many levels.  If you were really going to make teddy bear lasagna, you should give up cooking altogether.  Go to restaurants instead.  They will prepare real food for you in exchange for money.  (I sure hope this was just an isolated patch of stupidity…)
• anal seepage side effect — Oh my goodness!  What is going on here?!?  (And how did that find this site?)  First of all, the side effect is that you crap your underwear.  Second of all, any leakage / seepage out of your butt is a bad thing!  If this is happening you need to see a doctor!  The only thing that should ever leak out of your butt is gas, but hopefully you can control that.  If anything physical comes out without your consent, there’s some serious problems.
• make a crazy golf course — Now this is a much more pleasant subject.  I am pleased to tell you that we have this covered.  We have an ongoing discussion about making golf less boring.  There’s been several good ideas on making a better golf course.  And if you have some more suggestions, feel free to leave them in the comments section.

That’s all for today.  I hope you enjoyed today’s issue of viewer mail.  If this has helped you, please let us know, using the comments section.  Although, if you were going to eat teddy bears, you might not want anyone to know.  And if you have anal seepage, you definitely don’t want people to know.  So perhaps I won’t expect too many comments this time…

It’s time for another installment of viewer mail.  Well, we don’t actually have viewer mail yet, but we have talked about it!  Perhaps in the near future we will have a place for you to ask your questions to our panel of experts.  In the meantime, we will use some of the actual search terms used in finding this site to see what you, the reader, are interested in learning more about.  Enjoy!

• stupid plans for world domination — I’m not sure why you’re looking for the stupid plans, unless you want to see if your plans are listed.  Regardless of your intent, we do have some here.  A fellow who called himself “Important Evil Genius” had some idea of making pickled zombies, and that’s definitely stupid.  There’s also a post called “what would be your method of choice for World Domination?”, and it has some ideas.  There’s some info by Mr. Destructo, who sounds like he knows a thing or two about doomsday devices.  (Let’s hope he decides to use his powers for good.)
• dentist puns — Unfortunately, we have some of these on the site.  Our buffet of randomness includes all kinds of humor, even some non-humorous items on the side like puns.  Search for dentist (from the box in the right sidebar) and you’ll find them.
• memoir about my childhood life — I think you’re confused.  You want to find memoirs about your own childhood life?  Shouldn’t you already know them?  And if there are some posted online, shouldn’t you know about them?  Either way, we do not have your childhood memoirs at this time.  If there’s enough interest, we could write some for you.  But we do have some of Thomas Wayne’s memoirs, and he’s had an interesting life.
• fat inducing virus — This sounds like it should go with the “stupid plans for world domination” search.  Why else do you want to make everyone fat?  Or are you trying to make the rest of the world like America?  Or are you about to start selling some fat-reducing medicine?  Hmm…
• WORKAHOLIC COWORKER — We have this covered already.  Search the site for “workaholic”.
• blogs high blood pressure — Boy, do we have something for you!  Search for a post called “reducing high blood pressure”.  It’s a good time.  (However, if you have serious problems, you should be visiting a doctor instead of reading this.)  Here, we debate things like whether eating bacon can lower your blood pressure.  Yeah, that stands in the face of conventional wisdom, but bacon sure is good!
• golf is boring — True dat!  We here at Buffet o’ Blog have noticed that, too, when they waste precious time during SportsCenter to show golf highlights.  So we started a post called “making golf less boring”.  The ideas presented here are definitely radical, but we think they would greatly improve the ratings and make people more interested in playing.  Feel free to add your own ideas in the comments section.

That’s all for today.  Stay tuned for the next installment of this valuable series.

Here at Buffet o’ Blog, we want to serve the community, to bless people by making them laugh.  But we also want to help people along the way, perhaps by dispensing nuggets of wisdom or expertise.  And we know just about everything there is to know, so we are more than qualified to help people.  (And what we don’t know, we don’t know about, so maybe we really do know everything.  Who knows?)  Since we have this wealth of knowledge, we have decided to share some insight based on what you, the reader, want to know.  Since we don’t have a mailbag yet, we will choose some of the recent search terms that people used to find the site and we’ll offer friendly advice and suggestions based on them.  Let’s get started…

• I want to buy some potato salad — I would not recommend buying this online.  Surely you have relatives who make this.  And, really, I’m not sure we’re even supposed to eat such things.  I’ll defer this to our resident nutriticologist, who is an expert in such matters.  (See the comments section for his response.)
• dookie brown — I have no idea what you intended to find with that query.  However, we do sell dookie-brown sweaters, and we have numerous informative posts about toilets, diarrhea, constipation, hypnosis to soothe irritable bowels, etc.  I hope you find what you were looking for.
• air conditioning side effects — The important thing is that the A/C keeps the room cool, because it is crazy-mad hot outside.  We do have a post about putting laughing gas in the A/C intake vent, which would be a neat side-effect.
• In promulgating your esoteric cogitation — So you want a group of people to share their inside jokes and thoughts, huh?  Well, we do that.  Peruse the site for a few days and you’ll find numerous such things, where we share homemade quotes and inside jokes.  We feature a world-renown buffet of randomness, free for your consuming pleasure.
• shrink ray gun — Ah, now we’re getting to something good!  This is a highly-coveted item, I must say.  There are so many potential uses for such things.  Not only are they good for self-defense, but they are also a blast at parties!  At this time, we do not sell these, unfortunately.  There’s some legal nonsense about that.  But there’s nothing to stop our local R&D department from developing these cool toys.  And so they are hard at work developing several versions of them.  We’ll have a pocket-size version, to carry with you on the go, and we’ll also have a high-powered version to mount on the back of your vehicle.  (Rumor has it that the top-secret version 2.0 model will also transform into a robot that can be programmed or controlled via remote control.)  We also have a mad scientist who visits the site, Mr. Destructo.  He’s finishing his doctorate at the Mad Scientist Academy, so he’s very busy, but he could probably help you if you have any questions.

That’s all we have time for today.  There’s a lot more in the search term mailbag, which we’ll get to at a later time.  I hope we have helped you find what you were looking for.  The Internet is a big place, with over 8 billion webpages, so searching for answers can be overwhelming.  We will continue to provide this valuable service for free, to help the community.  So stay tuned…