It is unlawful for persons to expel virulent gases from their buttocks within the proximity of five (5) feet of another person in an indoor or confined area.
In the interest of full disclosure, perhaps I should say this isn’t a law yet. Nor is it yet a bill out on Capitol Hill dreaming (and singing) about becoming a law someday. In fact, it hasn’t even been proposed — until right now. So it’s not immediately effective. But I’ll be petitioning my state representatives to pass this legislation.
You may be asking why this is such a big deal. Well, air is important for life, and we need fresh air, rather than some polluted, contaminated air being released from someone’s rear orifice. Not only is such air bad for our nasal passages, it is harmful to the environment, due to all the methane being released in an unregulated manner. And it’s been shown that methane contributes to global warming.
I will present some examples which illustrate the dangers of releasing malodorous fumes in the form of flatulence. 1) Suppose you’re on an elevator, and someone releases a silent-but-deadly fart. There instantly becomes a shortage of fresh air for normal breathing, and everyone becomes uncomfortable. 2) I had a friend in high school who would lock the windows in his car, rip one, and crank the heat up on high. THAT AIN’T RIGHT! The air quickly became unsuitable for life. That kind of inhumane irresponsibility must stop! 3) One time at a Taco Bell in Pine Bluff, one diner chose to erupt with “thunder from down under”, which was inconceivably loud. It destroyed our meal, to the point of some people in the restaurant getting up and running outside. And on the ride home, this particular guy drove and continued his farting ways. He turned the air on high, to blow all the noxious fumes to the back of the van. Many people suffered greatly at his hand, er, butt, that day.
I could give many more examples, but you see my point. It is obvious that some people will not fart responsibly, so something must be done to regulate such dangerous outbursts, for our own safety and pleasure. Please join me in petitioning our state representatives to get this problem under control via government regulation.
Thank you, drive thru…
Buffet o' Blog 
Thomas Wayne
I’m surprised no one has commented on this yet. Personally, I think this proposal is violating my freedom. I’ll vote against this bill many times! Can’t no one tell me when & where to fart (or not fart)!
Xangrilah Emissary
I am in agreement with our human friend, Thomas Wayne.
Long ago, before the dinosaurs were extinct on your planet, we on Xangrilah decided to explore our new law Freedom of Expression Act. Since we have achieved near perfection in regards to morals and ethics, we figured that it was safe for us to express ourselves one to another without offending anybody based on political correctness. It is a pity that your planet is still plagued by it.
Over the next thousand years our law has been amended a few times to incorporate bodily expression. Unlike human flatulence, Xangrilangrians emit somewhat of an aroma from our lower orifice. Maybe because we have better dieting habits.
Indeed, flatulating, is one of our many pastimes on Xangrilah. Not to mention there are practical applications as well. For instance, when condensed into a liquid form, our flatulance can/has been bottled and marketed on your planet labeled as a type of “perfume” and “cologne”.
Yes. I know. This may come to a surprise to many on your planet but this is the truth.
I can tell that after a few comments on your public forum, many on your planet may want to come over to our world because we have it so great here.
However, we must decline all immigration to our beautiful home unless otherwise indicated.
Any who try to venture to Xangrilah illegally will not be granted amnesty for their crimes no matter how many are packed onto a small floating spaceship drifting out in space that just so happens to land on our surface.
to the betterment of all,
Xandora
Thomas Wayne
Well, I want to come check out your planet, so let’s get to filling out those “otherwise indicated” forms…
To the betterment of me,
Thomas Wayne
Thunder from Down Under
I got your thunder from down under! Phhhhvvvvvrrrrt! FIRE!
Hey, at least I let you sit in the front seat of the van so as to avoid the polluted air yourself. Now, you’re wanting to outlaw me, you ingrate! I’ll aim them at you next time! 🙂
Jack Thompson Jr.
We should sue all the big-name PC makers, because children can download WAV and MP3 files of people farting, and YouTube has videos of people lighting farts. This kind of material is corrupting children and contributing to the pollution of our atmosphere through global warming. These “farting simulators” must be outlawed, for they are contributing to the downfall of our youth. I’m gonna sue everyone like crazy! I refuse to sit around while deranged youths destroy our society and our planet with their irresponsible flatulence!