Tag: satire

a twist on presidential fitness

I usually don’t discuss politics much here, but this is a topic that will attempt to be funny and contain facts you probably don’t know. It may also include a political rant or two, so if you can’t stand political criticism, click here to go to a random post or here for a post with an idea for creating a holiday for enjoying life.

President Donald Trump is bringing back the “Presidential Fitness Test”, which sounds like a great idea until you realize (or remember) that this is for schoolchildren. I saw an article suggesting one condition for bringing back the fitness test that requires children to run a mile and do sit-ups and pull-ups. It’s an amusing read: Trump brings back dreaded Presidential Fitness Test. Let’s see him run a mile.

They suggest requiring Trump to take the test and make it a pay-per-view event, which will surely raise a lot of money to help pay down the national debt (which is being increased by Trump’s “big, beautiful bill”). This is a great idea. It’ll never happen, though. Donald Trump tells people how strong and fit he is, because he tries his best to always control the story, the narrative. His mantra on this:

Stick with us. Don’t believe the crap you see from these people, the fake news. … What you’re seeing and what you’re reading is not what’s happening. ~ Donald Trump, 7/25/18

Don’t believe what you see or what others say — just follow him. Hear the propaganda, drink the Kool-Aid… (Not that it ALL is, but there are definitely some lies being told repeatedly to manipulate people.) He tries to craft his own version of reality, and sadly, some of the conservative news networks go along with his fabrications and don’t report the truth.

Anyway, Donald Trump is 79 years old now, and he has never been into fitness. He plays golf — A LOT (24% of his days in office, and we’re paying for it) — but that’s not too athletic. He believes that exercise is misguided, that your life is like a battery and you have a finite amount of energy. Science doesn’t agree with that. Also, if he is against exercise and thinks it makes you die earlier, why is he mandating it for children? (We ask, you decide.)

Now let me share some historical facts about presidents you probably didn’t learn in school:

George Washington was an accomplished collar-and-elbow wrestler. (Some wrestling scholars claim that, during the Revolutionary War, a forty-seven-year-old Washington took down seven Massachusetts militiamen in a row.) Nixon, meanwhile, was a football scrub—“cannon fodder,” a teammate called him. … In his rail-splitting young-lawyer days, Lincoln is said to have gone 300–1 in free-for-all wrestling matches against tough guys across the Midwest. In 1992, he was inducted into the National Wrestling Hall of Fame; some credit him with inventing the choke slam.

John F. Kennedy published an article in Sports Illustrated with a public-fitness challenge of marching fifty miles in twenty hours. That would be averaging 2.5 MPH — a decent walking pace — for twenty hours. Figure in rest breaks, bathroom breaks, eating, and you’d have to be walking rather briskly to meet that. I doubt there are many civilians who could do that. Maybe some marathon runners could, but most adults don’t run at all these days, and many don’t walk more than they have to. Plus, I doubt most Americans could focus that long without getting distracted by their smartphone. (If that sounds crazy, try going just 3 hours without touching your phone — while awake, obviously. Let me know if anyone tries this and how it turns out.)

Teddy Roosevelt was one of the toughest presidents ever. His life is an interesting and inspirational story. He chose to live a strenuous life, because it makes you stronger. He was into boxing, tennis, hiking, rowing, polo, horseback riding, jujutsu, fighting in wars (and actually leading soldiers into battle), climbing mountains, exploring the Amazonian rainforest, etc.

There have been a number of really interesting and accomplished presidents of the United States. Where are the outstanding candidates now? How long has it been since we’ve had a great candidate that you were excited to vote for? Some of them over the last few elections will tell you how great they are and make big promises but not live up to the hype. Surely there are some great leaders out there who would make a great president…

Maybe the next great president is reading this now, thinking they could do better than the recent ones. Maybe it’s you! Is it? Would you make a great president? If so, how so? Would you rule with compassion? Would you defuse tense situations with humor? Would you have your own walk-up music or theme song? Would you dance? Would you build a weather dominator? Would you provide ice cream sandwiches to people in 100 degree heat? Would you tell all Americans about cheese dip? (They really ought to know, because it’s awesome.) Would you tell people that this random blog inspired you to become president? 🙂

What is LOL supposed to mean?

Did you know some people type “lol” without actually laughing out loud? Crazy… Well, now there’s a device that ensures someone actually laughed when they typed it: the LOL Verifier. It’s a USB device that goes between your keyboard and computer and only lets you type “lol” if you truly laughed out loud. There’s a short TikTok video on the page that shows it in use, in a humorous way (by trying to not be humorous).

Does the world need this? No, not really. But the world does need to stop saying “LOL” if they aren’t actually laughing. I still remember the first time I experienced that nonsense. [cue flashback sequence] I was talking to a teenage girl, and I made a joke. She replied, “LOL”, but didn’t laugh. So what does that mean? Was I funny or not? (Probably not.) Was she trying to humor me? Perhaps. But it’s still ambiguous and illogical.

Rant aside, either way, people need to laugh more. It would make the world a better place. And it would make your life better. Well, perhaps the laughing itself isn’t the key factor here, but enjoying life enough that you are laughing is good for you. Although laughing does help you actually feel better. Some say that laughing is like jogging on the inside. 🙂 If you go through a day without laughing at all, ask yourself why and if you want to live that way. Just don’t say “LOL” outloud, please. Only authentic laughing helps.

important news announcement today

Have you noticed how biased most of the news sources are today? Some “news” stations / websites blame the Biden administration for everything, saying he’s done every single thing wrong, while some other “news” stations / websites blame Donald Trump for everything wrong with America. And of course, while each blames one political party for all the problems, they ignore the problems in their own party while promoting all the good things (even if they have to exaggerate). Actually, both Republicans and Democrats don’t get much done, even when they have majority control in Congress, and that’s probably a good thing.

Anyway, the “news” you hear is mostly full of bias and opinion (particularly about politics). If you only listen to one side (i.e., conservative or liberal), you may not even notice. Here’s a quick test — if you think one party will save America and the other party is to blame for the problems, you have been fed propaganda and bias. And if you are just now realizing this, I apologize. Propaganda seems tasty at first, but when you realize what it really is, it tastes like crap. So don’t eat it!

By now, you’re probably wondering why I’m ranting about politics. Well, this is a big problem in America now, and perhaps Buffet o’ Blog should transition to be a news source you can trust, albeit with humor. (Politics is especially devoid of humor, if you haven’t noticed. It’s like they just care about making you mad these days.) So to be truly fair and balanced, we’re not going to pander to either political party. We’ll tell you the truth! Although I do wonder if the general populace is ready for the truth… here’s why — your preferred party is part of the problem. It’s hard to swallow for people that are lifelong followers of either side — Republicans or Democrats. The truth is, both parties are largely corrupt, incompetent, self-seeking, and are leading America toward eventual destruction. Both will claim they are the solution, that if only their party was fully in charge everything would be great, but it’s not true. Every few years we have one party fully in charge, and not much changes. The same problems still persist and continue to worsen.

You know, scratch that. I don’t think we could make the truth very funny. So that part about starting our own news broadcast, let’s not do that. It is April Fools Day after all, and that part was made up. (Sadly, the rest of the rant is true. Sorry to rain on your parade, but it’s important to know.) So we’re going to remain focused on humor and randomness here. Regardless of our government leading us to a bad future, we should do our best to make the most of each day. Most of us cannot do much about the political debacle other than voting, so why let it sour your attitude and ruin your day? Focus on what you can do to make today great for you and those around you.

That’s all. This was an attempt to be funny about a topic that isn’t funny, and while it probably wasn’t funny, perhaps it could help you feel better anyway. If it failed, sorry; just go to the next post and it’ll not be about politics. I was just trying to mix humor and awareness and life improvement, hoping perhaps someone will look at their “news” consumption and think, “They’re just telling me what to be mad about, and every day there’s some seemingly huge problem that is blamed on the other party. I’d be happier if I didn’t consume all this. I could find better uses of that time.” Find what works for you… personally I’ve cut back on news. Watching it was often like watching a train wreck — it’s a disaster, but it can be hard to look away. However, watching too much of it makes you feel like you were run over by the train… 🙂 And then there’s that whole taste of propaganda thing… ugh!

Oops, sorry, I meant to stop but kept rambling. That happens sometimes. This blog is supposed to be an outlet for rambling and randomness, but there I go trying to help people again. I’ll stop again. 🙂

Thank you, drive thru…

impressing the repairman

This is not my kitchen. My kitchen is used several times a day and I have better things to do than clean it several times a day.

There’s a repairman coming to my house this week to fix my oven, so he’s going to see my kitchen, living room, and dining room, and I really want to impress him with how clean and organized my house is. Well, except I don’t. But apparently I should. Supposedly. I don’t know. I mean, the house isn’t trashed or filthy — it just looks like a couple of young kids live here with parents who are too busy with life to keep the house spotless. Ironically, that’s true because it’s true. Well, I reckon that’s unironically, since the situation and explanation should be normal and okay. (What is it called when irony is ironic? Or if a lack of irony is actually irony? Are there terms for such confusion? But that’s a rabbit trail for another day… or not.)

Where was I? Oh, yeah, making a good impression with the repairman. I don’t know him. I’ve seen him once before, when he diagnosed the problem with my oven and had to order parts. I think I’d still classify him as a visitor, since I don’t even know his name. Maybe I should get to know him. After all, his opinion of my house is apparently really important and valuable, such that it causes stress and we need to clean a lot. So should I invite him over for dinner sometime? Although, on second thought, that might be awkward. Actually, this whole idea is awkward.

So what’s going on here? Basically, the post is satire but is based on actual events. The confusion is real. The awkwardness is unfortunately real. But here is the dramatic twist in the narrative — you can be the hero! Yes, you! Wait, before you click away, I’m not dragging you into this quagmire. There’s no further need to judge my house or repair my oven. Where you can help is by explaining what’s going on here. Why should I care what the repairman thinks of how clean and organized my house is? Are there legitimate reasons, or is this a load of malarkey? I report, you decide. If you understand, please leave a comment.