It’s time for another installment of viewer mail.  As we did in the previous issues, we will take actual search terms that people found this site with, then we will provide advice, answers, or just more information concerning these topics.  (FYI, we are closer to having a form where you can submit your own questions, but our webmaster is just too busy with all his stuff to get it finished.  Hopefully soon, though.)  Let us get started.

• dumb comments — Oh, is this the site for you!  We specialize in dumb comments here.  We’re like discount dumb comments warehouse.  But that’s not to imply that any of our readers are dumb — not at all.  Some of our readers are among the smartest you’ll find in these here parts.  Yet they are able to simulate dumbness.  (I call that artificial stupidity.)  However, a few readers here are, um, a few fries short of a Happy Meal.  But I’m not saying who.  🙂  Either way, if you want to read dumb comments, this is the place.  Have a look around. It’s a good time.
• the secret is discovered — Hmm, are you wondering if “the secret” has been discovered or is this a message saying “the secret” has already been discovered?  If the latter, then you’re in big trouble!  Since it was a secret, obviously the multitudes are not supposed to know.  And if you’re talking about “the secret”, well, you better hope it’s not out!  I’ve heard there’s some bad consequences awaiting the one who lets the proverbial cat out of the bag before its due time.
• incompetent cream — This is similar to “the clear” cream that some professional athletes take, except it’s the opposite.  I think it’s what most politicians take.  Since they don’t need steroids for athletic ability, they apply this incompetent cream, which does what you would expect.  🙂
• sleep recovering from daylight savings — It’s widely known that people don’t like losing an hour of sleep due to Daylight Savings Time in the spring.  In a recent article we proposed a solution for this.
• chuck norris vs the a-team — While Chuck Norris vs Mr. T would be a great fight, I doubt even he could take on the whole A-Team.  I’m not sure Chuck could beat Mr. T by himself, but adding Hannibal, Face, and Murdoch would be too much.  Nonetheless, I wish he could’ve been on the show one time as the bad guy, although I suspect that might be too much awesomeness for one show.
• fart into phone conference call during — This came up during our discussion on the best way to get fired.  If you’re at a computer with speakers, there’s a lot of interesting sound effects that would liven up a boring conference call at work.  It’s best if you’re working from home that day, so no one knows who it is.
• i want to know about salads — I can help you with this.  Fortunately for you, salads aren’t that complicated.  They usually consist of lettuce plus with some garden-variety vegetables, topped with a salad dressing such as Ranch or Thousand Island.  As you might have surmised already, this isn’t very exciting.  However, some places will allow you to create your own salads from a salad bar, and that’s a much better option.  The best place I’ve found for this is Riverfront Steakhouse, which has what might be the best steak in central Arkansas, along with the best salad bar I’ve ever seen.  It has all the normal stuff, plus shrimp and real bacon (which go really well together).  Anytime you can add some cooked dead animals to your salad, it’s going to be better.
• don’t you hate when your boogers freeze — My personal research in this area has shown that it’s best to go inside before you get that cold.  (I imagine you’re referencing the quote by Calvin, which we included in part 3 of our quotes from cartoons series.)
• how to make hot rod transformer costume — If you make one and wear it, all the guys will be amazed and the women will think you’re a nerd.  That said, you should still go for it.  Be yourself.  Don’t let women keep you from being who you want to be.  I’ve seen a few videos about making your own Transformers costume before, and I still have the links for them.  The first one is way cool, but you have to have help transforming : Hot Rod.  Here’s a generic one, where he changes from a robot to a car.  And here’s a video with a few that you will know, like Optimus Prime, Starscream, and a Constructicon.

That’s it for today.  Feel free to discuss these topics further in the comments section.

It’s been way too long since we’ve had a viewer mailbag, so here goes.  Same format as last time, where we take actual search terms that people used to find this site, and we elaborate on them.  We do this for you, y’know… to help people like you who are searching the Internet for information.  We’re always glad to share our ignorance, er, I mean, knowledge.  🙂

• do children enjoy cartoons? — What kind of question is this?  Of course they do!  Have you forgotten your childhood?  Or were you never exposed to cartoons?  Either way, you are missing out on a great thing!  But don’t fret, for it’s not too late — you can still enjoy cartoons.  Granted, I don’t know how old you are, but that is irrelevant here — no one is too old to enjoy cartoons.  Yes, even adults should watch cartoons.  (Note that I said “should”.)  Cartoons make you laugh, they help you use your imagination, they’re typically clean entertainment, etc.  It’s a win-win situation.  I know some people don’t understand that, so they may look at you funny, but don’t let them keep you from a good thing.
• unlimited nachos — Now this is what I’m talking about!  Where can you get this?  If you find a place offering all-you-can-eat nachos, let me know.  I don’t know why some restaurants don’t offer this option.  I’d go there, no doubt.  I know a lot of people who would go there on a regular basis, especially if they let you put whatever toppings you want on the nachos.  Somebody should make this happen…
• make dookie urinal — I’m not sure what the point of that is…  we already have the urinal, and we already have the toilet, which together take care of your excretion needs.  So why do you want to combine them?  Are you wanting to stand up while you poop?  That could get messy real quick!
• chuck norris vs mr t — There’s been a lot of people searching for this, and we have a post dedicated to the topic already (click here).  At that page, there’s a link to a comic strip where they fight each other, but it’s quite cheesy.  I’d like to see them really fight, but I suspect that will never happen, because some scientists speculate that it might cause the end of the universe.  I wonder who would’ve won if they had fought in their prime…  I think Mr. T’s strategy might put him at a slight disadvantage, because he tends to take the first few punches of his enemies, absorbing their best punches and then looking really mad.  (That sure intimidated some folks!)  But perhaps he would realize the danger of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick and thus be more aggressive.  But I guess we’ll never know.  *sigh*
• “why doesn’t robin wear pants” — This has bewildered people throughout the ages, but I think the simple explanation is that he’s a wuss.  Of course, I realize that a lot of people who are wusses still wear pants, so many people won’t accept that explanation.  Other than that, I don’t know.  Why would he never wear pants?  Does anybody have a good explanation for that?
• chance of snow this year — Yeah, there is.  Well, in most places.  Here in central Arkansas, we probably average about 1 to 3 inches per year.  That’s not nearly enough!  But when it does snow, even if it’s just a few flurries, it’s a big deal.  (I wrote on this recently.)  I’d like for us to get at least 8″ sometime, so I can build a huge snow castle.  Someday this will happen, and it’ll be awesome.  (For those of you in the northern part of the U.S., you may think that’s nothing, but if we ever got 8″ of snow here, everything would be shut down for days.  It pretty much closes everything here with just 2″ of snow accumulation.)
• me grimlock not afraid of decepticons wa — Grimlock (from the Transformers) sure was a cool character!  It’s unfortunate he won’t be in the upcoming movie.  (Although, some may argue that due to the extreme changes to the characters and the possibility that this movie will siphon big-time, it may be better to not have your favorite characters in it.  I can understand that.  I wish Soundwave were in it, but wouldn’t want to see him as an iPod, then in robot form be totally unrecognizable.)  Anyway, Grimlock was a great character.  He enjoyed being in battle and was a great fighter, and he wasn’t afraid of anyone.

Well, that’s it for this episode.  I hope we were able to help you with something…

It’s time for another installment of viewer mail.  Once again, we will look at actual search terms people used to find this site.  (We still don’t have a form setup for you to submit your questions…  our lead designer acquired a Nintendo Wii and hasn’t had much free time lately.)  This is what people like you are searching for, believe it or not.  So let’s get to it, and perhaps we can help you with what you’re interested in.

• building my own time machine — That’s a noble idea, but there’s a flaw in the slaw.  There are some parts you need, such as a transgalactic time discombobulator, that just aren’t available yet.  If you can somehow get your future self to go back in time to our current time with the parts you need, then you can accomplish this.  But without such intervention, you’re probably out of luck.  Well, unless you’re a super-genius and can build the parts yourself, but then you probably wouldn’t be searching with such a generic phrase.
• how to be a ninja — I’m afraid there aren’t any shortcuts to this, if you want to be an authentic ninja.  Of course you can put on a black ninja outfit and pretend to be one, but everyone will see through your facade.  I wish there was an easy way to acquire this status, but I don’t know of one.  You will have to train really hard for many years.  (Perhaps we should start a ninja training school that offers a two-year degree with part-time study via correspondence, where you can become an official ninja from the comfort of your own home.)
• how to get super powers — This has been a popular search phrase, and rightly so.  Who wouldn’t like to have super powers?  I sure would!  So I’ll try to answer your question.  It’s rather difficult to get super powers, which is probably a good thing, or there would be much chaos in the world (because some people would use them for evil, while others are just clumsy and would make a huge mess).  One way is to be born from another planet and when you come to Earth, you get super powers from our sun or our atmosphere.  Or perhaps your race is just naturally superior to humans and then when you come here, people think you’re all that, when on your home planet you were merely normal.  Another option is to be involved in some type of nuclear accident.  Obviously this has some inherent dangers involved, in that it will likely kill you.  But, according to the historical archives (movies and comics), falling into a pit of radioactive ooze can sometimes give you super powers.  Alternatively, the safest method of becoming a superhero is to collect and master high-tech devices.  Batman did this, as well as the bad guy on The Incredibles, Syndrome.  This is costly and requires a high degree of skill, but is possible.  (Hope this helps!)
• cool — Yep, someone searched for “cool” and found this blog.  It is more evidence that this site is cool.  You know it!
• eating scorpions side effects — Hmm… let’s start with the knowledge that some scorpions are poisonous.  Also, all of them have stingers on their tail, which I would not recommend putting in your mouth.  Even if they are dead and cooked, I still don’t think it’s a good idea to eat them.  However, as we discussed in a previous post, some restaurants consider them an “exotic food” and will serve them to you (for $30!).  I consider this a rip-off.  Even if you can eat them and survive, there’s no way it’s as good as biscuits and gravy with fried chicken.  Just no way…
• +”dog poop” +”text sucker” — Somebody searched for this on Christmas day last month.  I certainly don’t have a problem with randomness, even on Christmas day, but this seems odd.  I figure most people are visiting their family and eating lots of food and playing with their new presents on Christmas, yet somebody is searching for dog poop.  I don’t know…  Anyway, we do have the answer you were probably looking for — it’s called Net Disaster.  It’s fun to play around with.
• seibu lions stadium upgrade — They got their $51.1 million, so now they can upgrade their stadium in a big way!  We recently had an interesting discussion about that, specifically concerning the $6.02 million they plan to spend on “upgrading restrooms”.  We had some really good ideas, I think.  Click here to check it out.

That’s all for this issue.  Until next time, I’m Beppo.  🙂

It’s Friday, so let’s celebrate with another issue of viewer mail.  Same rules as last time — we will use actual search terms that people like you used to find this site, because we don’t yet have a place where you can e-mail us your questions directly.  (What is our webmaster up to?  If the Nintendo Wii, er, Revolution, was out, I could understand his lack of free time.  I’m gonna hafta go light a fire under his butt or somethin’ to get him fired up about working.)  Anyway, we’ll make do with what we have.  Y’know the saying : “If life hands you lemons, make lemonade.” I’ve also heard someone say, “If life hands you crap, make a crap sandwich.”  I don’t think that would be very good.  Perhaps we could make that jack o’lantern of flaming poop we talked about, even though it’s after Halloween.  Or we could just fling the poop at our enemies.  Oh, I know — just anonymously mail the crap to your enemy and let him figure out what to do with it.  🙂

Okay, now I’m rambling, while some people are patiently waiting for this week’s issue of viewer mail (which isn’t weekly, but should be).  Let us begin…

• why throw your life away so recklessly — I suppose you are referencing the quote by Megatron from Transformers: The Movie — “Why throw away your life so recklessly?”  It’s a good movie.  I’m hoping the next one that’s due out 7.4.07 will be really good.  It has incredible amounts of potential.  It’s one of those movies that could be one of the best Sci-Fi movies ever, yet it could also be a huge flop because of all the hype and potential.  But I’ve heard there’s plans for at least 3 new Transformers movies, so apparently those involved think it will be a hit.  I have my fingers crossed.  (BTW, the quote is also a good question.  We shouldn’t waste our life.  If you want to read more about finding your purpose in life, I recommend my other blog : Thinking Outside the Box.)
• are pork chops bad for you? — No, I don’t think so.  I had some last night, made with Shake’n Bake (and I helped!).  Also had macaroni & cheese.  Mmm…  Some nutritionists might say that pork chops aren’t the healthiest of meats, and they’re probably right, but you gotta enjoy life.  (The “Important Doctor” that visits here will probably think they’re healthy, because he invented some crazy bacon-and-cheese diet that sounds too-good-to-be-true.  He’s becoming known for his non-accredited theories.)
• buffet bathroom explosion — Obviously somebody didn’t know when to quit eating!  I understand that you want to make the most of your trips to all-you-can-eat buffets.  (Trust me, I know in a big way.)  But eventually we all reach a point where your body says “no more!” and you have to respect that.  If you keep eating beyond that point, you pay the price…
• blog nintendo wii ice cream truck — I’m not totally sure what you’re looking for, because I don’t know of any combination of those things in existence.  But they are all quite cool.  I’ll post this anyway, in case some of our readers have any ideas for that…
• moon shining in daytime — I see that other people are noticing the problem, too!  Perhaps this is happening more than ever… (dun Dun DUN!)  I wrote on this recently : the moon is broken.  Feel free to share your thoughts and suggestions in the comments section.
• what those the moon look like in novembe — Ahh, another moon inquiry.  (As you probably noticed, the search terms get cut off at a certain length, but it’s obvious what he/she was asking.)  Well, this one is easy — it’s November now, so just look outside tonight.  Although, because the moon is broken, it might not even be shining tonight.  (Grrr!)  We need to get things moving on fixing the moon!  Write your state representatives and tell them the moon is broken and that they need to get off their butts and pass some legislation to fix the moon.
• pickles + proof + evil — I’m glad the word is getting out and people are starting to learn that pickles are indeed evil.  We’ve had extensive dialogue on this topic, which you can find at this post : pickles are evil.  It’s been suggested that all pickles be destroyed as soon as possible.

This issue of viewer mail is now concluded.  Thank you, drive thru…