Category: In the News

studying gas from cows

In an effort to reduce global warming, scientists are now studying flatulence produced by cows.  This is from an actual news article:

Argentine scientists are taking a novel approach to studying global warming — strapping plastic tanks to the backs of cows to collect their burps and farts. … Scientists at the National Institute of Agricultural Technology in Castelar, Argentina, will analyze the gas collected from cows. Scientists around the world are studying the amount of methane in gas expelled by cows and Argentine researchers have come up with a unique way to collect and analyze it. …

“When we got the first results, we were surprised. Thirty percent of Argentina’s (total greenhouse) emissions could be generated by cows,” said Guillermo Berra, a researcher at the National Institute of Agricultural Technology. Berra said the researchers “never thought” a cow weighing 550 kg (1,210 lb) could produce 800 to 1,000 litres (28 to 35 cubic feet) of emissions each day.

Notice that these scientists are studying and analyzing gas from cows.  How would you like that job?  I bet it stinks to have to do that every day!  (Pun very much intended.)

But maybe these scientists are onto something.  If a cow is producing more than its fair share of methane, then that’s not fair to the rest of us.  Likewise, I know some people who produce more methane than a normal human should.  Perhaps the government should require them to add Beano to their food…

Earth’s dominance in the Miss Universe pageant

I don’t keep up with beauty pageants and such foolishness, but I recently saw a headline about it.  A woman from Earth won yet again in the Miss Universe pageant.  That’s 56 straight years an earthling has won.  That’s complete dominance.  But it makes me wonder if people / aliens in the other parts of the universe are even invited to that competition.  If not, it should be renamed.

In semi-related news, Miss USA tripped in the evening gown competition, for the second year in a row.  I’m not going to poke fun at that, though.  I know, it’s easy to laugh because that makes her look clumsy and it’s certainly not going to help her score.  But look at it from her perspective.  There’s all that pressure of walking in front of people, and these models surely have to do a lot of preparation for walking in a dress and high heels.  I have no idea how difficult that is.  Surely it must be tough, if she’s going to trip and fall down a couple of times…

For next year’s competitions, one of the requirements in preliminary competitions might be that you can walk in front of people without tripping.  Considering how difficult it obviously must be in those circumstances, maybe she could do that in the talent part of the competition.  “Here is Miss USA, walking across the stage without falling down.”

a stupid lawsuit involving Victoria Osteen

Normally I create all the ramblings in the posts here from scratch, but today I’m going to ramble about something that is happening in the news, just because it’s so random.  Victoria Osteen, the wife of famous pastor / televangelist Joel Osteen, is being sued by a flight attendant.  Some people are always looking to make money off the rich and famous, and this is no exception.  But why I’m writing about it is that this case is crazy.

First off, this happened almost three years ago.  So why would it just now be filed?  Second, the charges are ludicrous:

According to court documents, Brown claims that she suffers from anxiety and hemorrhoids because of the incident and said her faith was affected.  She is also suing Osteen for medical expenses for counseling.

So this flight attendant got bumped while cleaning up a mess on the seat and all that happened.  Whatever.  But it gets even crazier — the woman is asking for 10% of Victoria Osteen’s net worth, which is probably in the millions.  How can she ask for a percentage?  Even if you could put a value on her emotional distress and hemorrhoids, it’s nowhere near millions of dollars.  And if her faith was damaged because some famous preacher’s wife accidentally bumped her, then she didn’t have much faith to start with.  And why would she need counseling?!?

Oh, wait, I just figured it out!  If she thinks that someone bumping her in the chest causes hemorrhoids and affects her faith and makes her anxious, then she needs counseling.  The problem is, it’s not Victoria Osteen’s fault that this other woman is a fruitcake.  So, case dismissed!  (I should be a judge.  Although I would’ve already dismissed this joke of a lawsuit before it even got approved to go to court.)

new diet plan based on Michael Phelps’ success

U.S. swimmer Michael Phelps dominated the swimming contests at the 2008 Beijing Olympics.  He won a record 8 gold medals in 8 events, and shattered 7 world records.  How does he do it?

Well, our investigative staff here took a look at his daily routine.  When asked what he was doing during the Olympics when not swimming, he replied, “I’m eating a lot of pasta and pizza.  I’m eating a lot of carbs.  And sleeping as much as I can.”  I could do that!  And I’d like to do that!

In preparation for the Olympics, he also swims a lot for training, which is expected, but so do all the other contestants.  So what sets him apart?  I’ve found that he eats over 12,000 calories per day!  That’s not normal!  So in the name of research, I’m going to start eating 12,000 calories per day to see if it makes me excel at what I do.

Here’s a listing of what he eats on a typical day:

Phelps lends a new spin to the phrase “Breakfast of Champions” by starting off his day by eating three fried-egg sandwiches loaded with cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, fried onions and mayonnaise.

He follows that up with two cups of coffee, a five-egg omelet, a bowl of grits, three slices of French toast topped with powdered sugar and three chocolate-chip pancakes.

At lunch, Phelps gobbles up a pound of enriched pasta and two large ham and cheese sandwiches slathered with mayo on white bread — capping off the meal by chugging about 1,000 calories worth of energy drinks.

For dinner, Phelps really loads up on the carbs — what he needs to give him plenty of energy for his five-hours-a-day, six-days-a-week regimen — with a pound of pasta and an entire pizza.

He washes all that down with another 1,000 calories worth of energy drinks.

For me, I’m going to substitute sweet tea instead of those energy drinks.  I don’t know how many glasses of tea it will take to get those 1,000 calories, but I can handle it.

Of course, if my daily workout doesn’t keep up with this increased caloric intake, I run the risk of looking like this:

But I reckon someone should test out this crazy new diet plan, in the name of research…