Tag: flatulence

methane contributes to global warming

There are companies now selling “carbon credits”, making billions of dollars.  But carbon is not the only element contributing to global warming.  Researchers say methane is 23 times more potent than carbon dioxide in trapping heat in the atmosphere.  As we discussed in the last post, cows contribute significantly to global warming via the methane they produce with their flatulence.  But I’m willing to overlook that, because they play an important role in my diet.

However, there are some people who produce an undue amount of methane, way more than normal.  These people are not only polluting the immediate atmosphere, but they are contributing to global warming.  Of course, some of them might get offended if I told them they had to quit passing gas and belching so much, and you could argue that I would be infringing on their rights.  So I’ve found a good solution.  Effective immediately, I will be selling methane credits.  That’s right, for a small fee (paid to me), you can pass gas all you want, and I will plant trees to offset your personal pollution.  (I will also give you plenty of personal space!)

viewer mail, issue #10

It’s time for another installment of viewer mail!  Let’s open up the ol’ mailbag.  As always, we are taking actual search terms used to find this site, and/or questions submitted via the “Contact Us” form on the homepage.  Then we add our unique analysis and commentary, and it’s always a good time.  Let’s begin…

  • arby’s all you can eat — Capital idea!  Those beef ‘n cheddar melts are good, and having an unlimited supply of those and Arby’s curly fries would be most excellent!  I posited this idea to the Buffet o’ Blog staff, and Turtle Dundee said, “Arby’s all you can eat would be made of pure awesome, and would result in the eating of every cow in Texas and every curly potato in Idaho.”  Someone should suggest this to the higher powers at Arby’s.
  • bear attackingturn homemade bread into a bear — I… I… I don’t know what to say.  (But that’s never stopped me.)  For one, I don’t think it’s possible, at least according to the current laws of physics.  Second, WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO DO THIS?  Bread is a good thing (while still fresh) — you can make sammiches and burgers with it, and you can cover it with gravy.  Bears will kill you.  Now, I suppose that bears are edible, if you trim away much fat and then tenderize/boil the meat for many hours, but the bread is already food, so why do you want to do this?  The only thing I can think of is if you’re going to buy all the sliced bread you can and then create an army of bears to conquer the world.  But I’d rather you not do that.
  • why does mexican food cause headache — It does?!?  Since when?  If this is happening to you, then either you’ve got some really bad Mexican food or you’re allergic to it.  My own research* has revealed that Mexican food makes you feel better.  (* I eat Mexican food at least once per week, so I have extensively researched this one!)  So if you’re getting a headache every time, you need to switch restaurants.  Because there’s nothing inherently wrong with cheese enchiladas, chicken burritos, chicken tacos, chile rellenos, tostadas, and cheese dip.  I would eat this kind of food nearly every day if I still had a metabolism…
  • dealing with too much gas — Speaking of Mexican food…  🙂  This happens to us all, doesn’t it?  Sometimes you just have a lot of flatulence.  Well, since the issue is that there is a lot of gaseous pressure inside you, the only way to resolve it is to let it out.  (Now wasn’t that simple?)  I know, sometimes you’re in a public place and some people get offended way too easily, but you have to ask yourself — would you rather be uncomfortable or would you rather they be uncomfortable?  For me, the decision is easy to make.
  • throwing pies — Does this ever happen anymore?  If it does, I never see it.  I have seen it happen a bunch on The Three Stooges, and it always looked like a good time.  Even those aristocratic type people would get involved, once they got past their initial default offendedness.  I think there should be a place where this is the norm, as I have written about before.
  • can ice cream cure headaches? — I’ve never heard that it does, but it makes the pain easier to bear.  Perhaps I should research this one…
  • how to build a billion dollar palace — This one’s easy — get a billion dollars!  🙂  Really, that’s what it’s going to take, or at least close to a billion dollars.  You aren’t going to build one of those by hand.  And if you have a billion dollars, builders and architects will build just about anything you can dream of.  So your question has a really simple answer.  Just don’t ask me how to get a billion dollars, because I’m still researching that one.
  • how can someone just leave — This is another really easy one.  Just watch…

a new product to handle flatulence

You know how there’s those breath strips (skrips) like Listerine “PocketPaks” where you can put one on your tongue and it dissolves to create fresher breath?  Those were a good idea.  But I’ve got an idea to take that concept much farther.

I have the Buffet o’ Blog R&D (Research & Development) department working on some strips that will dissolve into thin air.  The purpose of these will be for those people who insist on passing gas near your comfort zone.  (You know who you are!)  These strips can be used to cover up your own fart slip, or they can be used when a friend rips one near you and walks away.  These strips will have cleansing bubbles that remove the malodorous methane-based odor from the air, leaving only fresh air behind, with a hint of citrus.  We may make other flavors available, such as mountain meadows, but they’ll be worked on once the product is fully working properly.

If the carefully formulated formula formulates as planned, you could actually leave a strip (or two) in your underdrawers (drawz) for those days when you have a rumbly in your tumbly and there’s a forecast of thunder from down under.  Then you’ll be able to break wind while in important meetings at work (as long as you keep the volume down).  Coworkers may notice a freshness emanating from you, but you can attribute that to your cologne / perfume.

Yes, when this product is released, you won’t have to fear hanging out with your extra-gaseous friends anymore.  Their foul flatulence can be neutralized with this revolutionary new product.  And it will benefit you personally, too, as you won’t have to fear the shame and embarrassment of farting in public or at family gatherings.  You will feel a new-found freedom in life, and I suspect it will even help you enjoy life more.

Coming soon to a store near you…