when it’s cool to be fat

I watched Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer the other day, which is an awesome show.  It’s part of my Christmas tradition.  I used to feel like a misfit, so I can relate.  Now I’m awesome, just like the show works out for our misfit friends.

One part of the show that always amuses me is Mrs. Claus telling Santa Claus, “Eat! Eat!  Whoever heard of a skinny Santa?”  Now that’s the kind of job I need! Of course Santa has other major responsibilities, like overseeing toy production and delivering toys, but that wouldn’t take up too much time.  The rest of his time is devoted to being fat.

What would you think if part of your job requirement was being overweight?  Could you handle that?

With Santa, it’s cool that he’s fat.  (Yet he’s in good shape, since he has the endurance to travel the world in one night and deliver billions of toys.)  With Santa, people like it that he’s overweight.  Think about the poem “Twas the Night Before Christmas”, where it says:

He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly!

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!

For most of us, if our belly shakes when we laugh, people look down on that.  But with Santa, it’s cool.

So with all that in mind, I’ve decided I want to be Santa Claus when I grow up.

caption contest, Santa parade in NYC

For this week’s caption contest, we’re going to feature a Christmas / holiday themed picture.  Here is a parade of Santa Clauses, walking down the street in New York City.  (NEW YORK CITY?!?)  So what is the purpose of it?  Is there a special occasion, or is it a secret mission?  Is it a conspiracy?  What are the onlookers thinking?  What should be done about this situation?

(To see our other caption contests, click on the “Say What?” category in the sidebar.)

NASA found extraterrestrial life – what now?

NASA announced last week that extraterrestrial life has been found… in California.  If you’re expecting a big, scary alien, you’re going to be massively disappointed.  It’s just some microscopic bacteria living in mud by a lake.  Although, as one scientist on TV pointed out, they look like potatoes if you zoom in enough.

Although, if evolution were true, then that bacteria could develop a brain and a body, and it might eventually enslave us all.   So maybe we should wipe it out now, while we are more evolved than it.  We might not have millions of years — some things mutate faster than others.  I’ve seen “documentaries” that show how crazy such things can get.  And you know the scientists that have this bacteria will expose it to all kinds of chemicals in their testing, and what if that’s all part of the plan?  What if a certain element on Earth gives it superpowers like Superman?  Someone has to consider these things…

Actually, we might need to fear more than just the aliens themselves.  What if some power-starved human or wild animal decides to join forces?  They might eat or absorb this alien life force and mutate into some super-human being!  What if they get super powers because of it?  The time to act is now!  And so we need a government grant to research and contain this.   I figure a few billion dollars would be sufficient — you can’t be too careful!

I know, some of you may wonder if the Buffet o’ Blog staff is qualified for such a task.  The answer is MOST DEFINITELY!  We would have the best weaponry possible, and we would contain (and potentially destroy) this alien life form.  We would also develop numerous “worst case” scenarios, along with the best plan of offense and defense.  And to test such systems before they are needed, we would run thousands of advanced computer simulations of us defending off alien invasions.  We are obviously the right people for this job.  So if the government will just send the necessary funds our way, we can get started on this most important task.

Somebody has to save the world…

caption contest, overweight woman at Burger King

It’s time for another caption contest, and I’ve been hearing it doesn’t need to be late this week.  So here goes…

This week’s photo features a man and woman eating at the same table.  The man’s T-shirt could potentially be offensive to the woman, for obvious reasons.  There’s also the fact that they’re at Burger King, which is not exactly a health food type restaurant.  It’s up to you to write a funny caption to explain what either of these people might be thinking or about to say.  Or you can make a joke about the situation.   The only requirement is that it’s funny (and clean).

(Click for a larger image.)

(To see our other caption contests, click on the “Say What?” category in the sidebar.)