The other day I was walking downtown to a steakhouse, and I saw what looked like a caveman.  He looked quite confused, so I figured we could relate to each other.  So I talked to him for a minute, asking him where he came from.  (Fortunately I am fluent in monosyllabic grunts.)  He explained that, from what he understood, he had been frozen on top of a mountain for a long time and some scientists had just defrosted him.  He broke out of their research facility because he was scared of the strange people and equipment.

The unfrozen caveman looked hungry, so I invited him to join me.  We continued to the steakhouse, where I ordered a big slab of meat for him (for he is not so proficient in modern English).  When the waiter brought us each a salad, he stared at his for a while, appearing to be deep in thought.  I asked him what he was thinking, and he said (via interpolation), "Am I to eat these leafy greens?  Or should I use them to wipe my soiled buttocks?"  I laughed, then explained that people these days seldom say "soiled buttocks".  But then I thought that's a cool phrase, so I'm gonna start saying it every time I get the chance…

~ Thomas Wayne

One Day a farmer gave Thomas Wayne a little pot-belly pet pig in return for helping out with odd-jobs on the farm.  After a while the farmer noticed that Thomas Wayne called it "Stinky" when he played with it out in the yard, but he called it "Ballpoint" when it was in the sty. "Tell me," asked the farmer, "Why do you have two names for your pig?" "That's easy," Thomas Wayne replied.  "Ballpoint is just his pen name."

While working as a 'temp' for a butcher, Thomas Wayne backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

 

Thomas Wayne here… yeah.. .dont hate me cause i’m beautiful… I just wanted to share my latest tale… while cleaning out my closet I discovered a time machine… theres no telling how long it’d been there… could have been planted by some ancient civilization… alternatively they could have used it, came to the present, hid it in my closet, & then went back to the past… at any rate… there was this time machine in my closet… (how do I know it was a time machine? simple… it was written over the door in a cryptic text resembling something my little sister would do with a crayon… how legible can you expect ancient people to write?) THE ADVENTURE BEGINS: the time was 5:01 when I bravely entered the portal & spun the dial…(aren’t you glad you use dial?) anyway, it was dark inside… It wasn't at all what I expected… I figured there’d be spinning & flickering lights and all that… but there wasn’t… just an eery silence and absolute darkness… and the muted smell of cardboard box…  after a bit I verified all was quite… & gingerly stepped from this ancient doorway into a dimly lit room and anxiously looked  around… it had WORKED! It was AMAZING!!!  I had traveled into the future!!! and I had PROOF! the time on clock beside my bed was NO LONGER 5:01… it was now  (wait for it) … 5:09!!! when I have more time I plan to recreate this life-altering experiment and go EVEN FURTHER into the future…